PIC DELETED

Ever get the sense Marsha can't leave the house without getting crushed by oiled up guiberdopes?

Yeah, "guiberdope" isn't a word. I just made it up. But man, if that don't sum up these motorheads, then I don't know what for.

-----
DB1-

I was at a local gas station a while back and saw a douchemobile come up to the next pump.

A low-riding, neon-light lit, subwoofer thumpin little piece 4 cylider of some sort. I chuckle to myself as I watch some tall, skinning dude in a baby-blue doucheketball outfit with gold chains and hat tilt strut to the pump.

Now, if this was not enough to earn a douche tag, as we fill up, walkin the station and stand in line to pay, I notice he has not one but two blue tooth headsets on, one in each ear.

Would said douchewank have earned a douche based only on the dual bluetooths? I wish I would have had my phone handy, I would have snapped a picture.

Keep on douchin' it up, DB1,

sincerely,
-- Minnescrota
----

Bluetoothbaggery is almost certainly an automatic stage-2 'bag violation. Even the name. "Bluetooth." It sounds like Ed Hardy's latest line of douche vodkas. If you are not at work, and do not suffer from paralysis of the arms, you can lift a damn phone to your ear.

We've seen so many douchey fauxhawks and designer Mo's, we almost need to respek the true full-on 100% Mo Hawk.

So I'll give it up to Hexa-Head here.

Hell, I'm feeling generous.

I'm giving him a nottadouche. The dude is having fun with his lady without grabbing her roughly, there's no silly facial pubes and hand gestures, and his punk vibe has commitment. He seems real.

Sure the style went out in the mid 80s. But call me nuts, maybe I had too many bowls of Corn Pops, but I'm defending this guy. nottadouche.

The Nozz and Francine wanted to celebrate their win in the Weekly as only they can.

With Francine smiling innocently, and the Nozz doing some ass fondle.

Hucky Sheen put up a valiant fight, almost taking the prize, but the Nozz brought too many necktatts, and Francine's uberhottness, to ride to the win. And by win, I mean cultural loss.

Don't forget Nozzle's run in pics 2, pic 3 and pic 4. The voters speak:

TracieO: Mack the Nozzle FTW. This unholy coupling of douchiest douche and hottest hott makes me mourn the death of civilization and all that we have lost as a species.

Boatbutter: I have to go with Mack the Nozzle since he's spent his royalties as an elf extra in Lord of the Rings so poorly.

Deutschbag: the clown tatt under the eye makes me seethe with rage. a rage that, when coupled with my unrequited lust for francine, can only be exorcised by buying puppies in bulk from the animal shelter and lobbing them into the shark tank at my local aquarium.

2Douchetacular: Poor sweet oh so suckable Francine she hasn't yet realized that some people are just born dumb!! They can't help it and we can't help them, it's just something they're cursed with...Cursed right down to the sub-atomic monstrosity from which they manifested! Namely, Inert Poo nozzle we aptly call Mack!

Franklin Delano Doucheifelt: To ink Die on your neck and lizard toes above and below your eyes, shows a strong commitment to this site and to minimum wage.

Mr. Bungle: Mack the Nozzle and Francine get my vote this week. He reminds me of what Spencer Pratt will look like when he inevitably goes to jail for some sort of sexual misconduct charge.

Bag that Ass Up: But I have to give the nod to Mack the Nozzle, because 1) he has shown his lifetime commitment to bagocity by tattooing his face and neck; and 2) his hott makes Hucky's hott look like a man.

Douche N Dallas: Francine, we understand you're still mad at daddy but Mack may be the straw that breaks the camel's back and daddy will have to go change the will.

TeddyKGB: The Nozzle has facial tattoos around his eye! That surely trumps guyliner. Permanent marks of douchery upon the visage= Hall of Scrote. Fight or Die tatted on the neck= Weekly AND Monthly winner. Mack and Francine= Contender for the yearly.

Mike: He's just a golem of disjointed cultural mishmash, an intellectual dead end. He also reminds me of Keith Flynt, in that I'd like to beat both of them with a crowbar.

jonezy: francine probably smells as good as she looks. unless she is near mack. then she smells like regret.

scrotum pole: Francine is sweetness and purity. She may be just little naughty at times, but there's no way to justify this. Mack is fecal matter personified. Bad tatoo choices aside, Mack brings the added feature of an infectious bacteria eating away his tongue. Even after treatments with Lysol and Clorox, followed by a thirty minute session with a belt sander, I wouldn't let him use my cell phone. Why Francine, why?

Why indeed, SP? Francine is indeed purity of essence. And as Mandrake warned us, we must preserve our Purity of Essence. Excellent work, 'bag hunters and huntresses. This was a worthy tag. But in a noteworthy performance that suggests we'll see his choady ass nominated at the 2009 Douchie Awards, Hucky Sheen brought the pain:

Anonymous: Hucky Sheen FTW, by far. There is an air of metrosexual faux punk about him that makes me want to punch myself in the crotch.

Captain Bringdown: Hucky brings all the mental firepower of Rain Man running on a single hemisphere and the physique of a malnourished bandicoot crossed with a gender-confused parrot with an advanced case of psoriasis. And still Candy deigns to smush her delectable breasts against the vile hollowness of his sunken chest. The injustice makes me want to reach into the picture and pull his kidneys out from behind.

Poultry Turd: Hucky Sheen.I just hope his skin condition is not contagious.

The Donger: The earlier pic of him getting licked and inducing my gag reflex gets him in, but the fact that he is wearing capri pants to show off his 89 cent blue light special K-mart tube socks gets him the win.

Hot Buttered Poopcorn: I have used each picture to the benefit of my health and I can safely say that I have extremely clean and healthy bowels now. When it comes down to the wire, Hucky's tattoo of his favourite t-shirt graphic on his chest makes my sphincter want to spit out all of my internal organs. Therefore, I am voting for him.

manimal: Scroetic Justice would surely be served if ole Huck Finn and Jim had a chance to quietly drown him in the darkness, with no remorse in their otherwise compassionate hearts. Preferably by repeatedly deep-water-boarding this skanky poseur from the back of their Jersey Rigged Mississippi Raft...

Nicely played manimal, a little Samuel Clemens never hurt a Weekly thread. And in a solid third place, with significant support, Guyliner Gary and Barbie Cara:

Maurice Sendouche: Gary because Mack seems true to himself which though more douchie is also less douchie. Mack is douchiness gone wild (or wildness gone douchie) - the noble savage of the douche jungle. Gary is a weak weekend wannabe douchebag who is riding the doucherails that Fishslap, Wheatstalks and the Ab Lobster worked so hard to lay down to the land of inexplicably moronic hotts. Gary ftw (l).

HusslinHooser: I'm voting for guyliner. Any man that would paint his eyes like an Egyptian man whore just to taste some bleeth herpes deserves a kick in the balls and a weekly.

"Lesbian Thermos" Ernie Tubesock: I hate Guyliner Gary with the hatred of a thousand wombats during feeding season.

Don't 'bag me, bro: I vote for Guyliner Gary and Barbie, may the roots of their respective family trees be torn up and burned on the 4th of July.

Indeed, were it only so that Guyliner could be stopped in all of its non-performative forms. But we turn it over to Sluggo to take us home:

Mack the Nozzle for the win, and for no other reason but this: When he's macking on some unsuspecting girl and he goes, "I'm a celebrity," she can reply, "No, you're not, stupid. You won HCWDB of the week. You're a douchebag and nothing more for the rest of your days."

So let it be written. So let it be done. Mack the Nozzle and Francine for the Weekly, and a well earned spot in the Monthly.

Excellent work all around, people. Time for Corn Pops.

Always go with rock.

At some point, the four-dimensional hat-tilt of the uberdouche will rupture the fabric of the space-time continuum, allowing the Time Bandits to head to ancient Rome and kill the minotaur.

Either that, or cause inflat-a-Bleeth's boobs to pop.

Every so often, we stumble across a douche who isn't quite comfortable in his own skin. And by skin, I mean pink bandanas on the wrist.

When the Persian party girls are doing the faux lesbian kissing thing and the camera's snapping, and the goofy face comes out, you know we're seeing an Awkwardbag in action.

One who hasn't fully committed to douche-sneer. But his friend with the faux-head? Superdouche.

When Becky and Frank found the dead Douche Buddha, they knew the gods had turned on them once and for all. So Frank's friend, Bobby, brought over some Miller Lite.

Lars has every element of generic doucherism. Which is to say not only is he a douche, but he isn't even an original douche.

And yes, I give points for originality in douchosity, even as I mock it.

The frost tips. The standard issue tribal arm tatt. The inexplicable shirtlessness in a bar. The bling. The doucheface.

Patricia is soft and slender and dazzled by Lars's generic douchitude. Little does she know, he's a carbon copy of a shadow of an imprint of spectral taint.

Douchebag Mike quotes Lil' Wayne on his Facebook page, with tweaks:

----
"Don't worry bout mine,
I'mma grind till I get it
And tell all of my niggas that the sky is the limit,
The sky is the limit.
.Buck Ten in the coupe, and your bitch love it,
Switching lane faster than she switch subjects.
.speeding down the highway gangsta lean.
116 full steam know what i mean.
b*tches on jock cuz my flow is hot
And they spot tha watch filled with rocks
From a block huh
When the light hit
Strictly fish scale
f&ck that light sh!t
I nodge out tha garage double pipe sh!t
On Rodeo like hey yo ma
I kno u likes this ha
.capital M capital I capital K capital E. Wat yall know about G-4s
SL's with automatic doors ha
Flow sick
No sh*t
Row 6
Head crack
Walk tha street with my chain out the front."
----

Suburban Gangsta 4 Eva, Mike. You are black and you're proud. And by black, I mean a very strange shade of pink.

I'mma let Zombieland finish, but Dawn of the Dead (original) is the best zombie movie of all time.

Okay, that Kanye joke got tired fast.

Mmm... Musical Cleavite.

Frat Five Freddy writes in:

----
Good morning DB1.

First I beg to differ that all Fraternities are filled with douchebags. Mine is not, but the one across our street is. And here is a picture of one of the "brothers" in action.

-Cheers,
-- Frat Five Freddy
----

Defending frats with evidence of douchery in frats doesn't really build a strong case, FFF. But I hear your point. Delta House was a frat, and they, of course, set the standard for comedy greatness.

I hereby declare the law of fratbaggery to be non-inversenal. Simply being in a Frat does not make one an automatic Fratbag, but it does increase the odds of douchal taint.

Let B = D.B. (douchebag)
Let F= Fraternity

F can = FB or -FB.

However, F increases the likelihood of DB, therefore F increases likelihood of FB in a violate, but not determinate relationship.

Hucky and Candy are pissed they're losing attention to Mack the Nozzle in the Weekly.

What's that, Hucky?

Hucky Sheen: "Yo! I gots sometin' to say, yo. Alls the people not votin' for me in the Weekly?"

Yes?

Hucky Sheen: "Anyone hiring?"

Here's your Weekly finalists on this, the date of atonement. Because douchebags have much to answer for. Like smelling greasy. And fondling tasty hottsicles.

Here's your three awaiting vote:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Hucky Sheen

Hucky Sheen came on strong with his "Annoying Tattbag hitting on girl in Creepy Arizona Apartment Complex" game.

Then came Hucky's appendix attack, bringing either a second tasty lady licker to the game, or Candy #2.

That one-two punch is enough to make Heisenberg revise his Uncertainty Principle to conclude that Hucky is 100% douche.

Yeah, I've made Heisenberg jokes before. And I will again. Or will I? You'll have to open the box to see.

Annoying bling, rings, and serious douche-face. Candy has tight shorts. For that, we celebrate her. Even if she is barely legal.

And on a final note:

Tri-finger rings suck donkey foreskin.

Ew.

Too much for a Monday morning?

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Guyliner Gary and Barbie Cara


While most of the 2007-era douchetributes have morphed, Guyliner (aka "Guy Eyeliner") remains one of the toxic manifests of late 1980s Robert Smith pouty emo retrograde reconfiguration.

But Gary's tortured emo soul will soon find expression.

As he pours his soul out to Cara in terms of his deep longing to break down gender roles and enforced binaries.

And Gary does that, of course, by getting a lapdance.

Cara brings A-game southern tasty hottness, even if she's clearly got a stage-2 Bleeth infection.

Her skin is smooth and supple.

I would lightly squirt it with glass plus, and then squeegee it with a rubber aardvark.

Because that's how I roll.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Mack the Nozzle and Francine

Mack the Nozzle, who both appeared previously on the site as Archie McScrote (h/t Wheezer) and is apparently a contestant on some crap VH1 show, still well earns his place in the Weekly.

Why?

For one thing, clowns on VH1 shows are not celebrities. Therefore they are eligible for the Weekly.

Two, this mugging on Francine is all that this site personifies. She is delightfully pure, and I drink her with my eyes.

And three, your humble narrator has personal issues with the network that calls itself VH1 that will someday be fully explained in another forum. But that's a story for another day.

Notice pic #2, when Mack the Nozzle Nuzzles. Further pollution. And thirdly, Mack helps you read his tatts with random douchebaguette.

(Dis)honorable mention to Frankie Goes to Parsippany and The Badda Bing Boobs, both of whom just missed the cut. While Mack and Francine appear the favorites to win the HCwDB of the Week, they are no sure thing. Can Guyliner Gary bring the pain to take the win? Or can Hucky use his family name to take the prize?

Vote and atone, as always, in the comments thread.

Not content with sullying the artistry of the performance of magic with his greasy asslickery, uberdouche Criss Angel is now bringing his special talent for taint to rock music.

As if Buckcherry hadn't done enough. What's next, Crissbag? Ruining Painting? What other means of artistic expression can you render ludicrous with your unique talent for displaying untalented Ed Hardy narcissistic suck vortex?

There's a thousand glasses on the wall.

So what does Teddy bust to impress Kendra? Yup. Teddy runs with the Goose in an Ubiquitous Red Cup. Natch.

Not that we doubted Teddy's 'bag status. The giant white "D&G" belt buckle cinched the deal, lack of hand gestures and bling notwithstanding.

Kendra is perky, healthy and looks buff enough to probably kick my ass. Which is long overdue. For I have been a bad boy. I have forsaken my vegetables.

Okay, Blobby gets a nottadouche, and perhaps a nottahuman.

And yes, if you dropped Jack Black into space via the Battlestar airlock, his bloated corpse would resemble this guy.

But it's Friday, and she makes my happy pants want to happy dance. So I'm going with it.

Here's your links:

Hall of Hott sexytime legend, Veronica, has a message for the comments thread regulars.

Jones Cola throws a +1 Saving Throw. And the taste? Chaotic good. D&D is no longer nerdy. It is now retro cool. Star Trek, however, is still nerdy.

When buying Armani-Exchange douche belts online, they offer you the ability to "Add to Bag". Even Alanis Morrisette can correctly grasp the concept of irony here.

Gummi Lighthouses, with phallic aftertaste. That's nothing, you should see the Gummi Georgia O'Keeffe flowers.

Bleeth.

Honorary Douchebag of the Month: Evolution denialist, ranting nutjob and 80s child something-or-other, Kirk Cameron. Here's Kirk Cameron getting a righteous smackdown from a super-hott Eurohottie with a brain. She is a Romanian spitfire of boobie hottie suckle thigh. I would woo her with dandelion wine and bing cherries. She is my fourth future ex-wife.

Some kids have it all.

Then again, the kids aren't all right.

What's that? You're sitting around waiting for your Friday Ass Pear? Well I wouldn't be much of a humble narrator if I didn't give it to you.

Here you go. Friday Ass Pear.

Go forth and procreate. And by procreate, I mean leg hump.

Yup. It pains me to say it. But Groin Shave Reveal may be one of the 2009 Douchal Innovations of the Year. Here it is on generic suburban assclown, Hucky Sheen.

What does this mean for the crisis of modernity in our current reconfiguration of the national-historical? It means we are in deep, deep poo poo.

Which can only be solved by mocking his sorry, C. Thomas Howell looking doucheclownery, and then lusting after his lost, soft, confused Brunette Hottball.

-----
DB1,

re: "Where's Waldouche?: Who Cares Where Waldouche Is Edition"

Absolutely, positively the funniest comment thread on your site, or on any site, in the history of the world…..ever. You and your ‘baghunters are to be congratulated.

Douchebagingly yours,
--John from Vegas
----

I have, hands down, the funniest comments threads on the interwebs. The genius of the regulars and semi-regulars never cease to amaze and crack me up. This site couldn't be what it is without the contributions in the threads.

I love you people. In a mostly hetero, but slightly gay way for the 'bag hunters, and leg humping cracked up hump legging for the 'bag huntresses.

Read the thread here. Excellent comedy as always.

Willy's Wild Years,
Almost up. Then back to school,
To become a clerk.

White fuzzy pom poms
Her stones are more impressive
Now roll on, choadface

-- I drink your doucheshake

Posh Spice Hott wonders:
"If he were naked, would the
carpet match the drapes?"

-- Douche Wayne

Musical request
"Let's spend the night together"
UM, she don't think so

-- scrotum pole

Baby blue T-shirt
Topped with pink unicorn hair
Chromatic meltdown

-- Franklyn Delano Doucheifelt

The Last Unicorn
His balls hang from her tank top
Laugh until I cry

-- Mr. Scrotato Head

I don't have any
sympathy for the devil
who drinks bladder juice

-- Hot Buttered Poopcorn

From the Grillz on Film thread (and followed up with two subsequent whiny emails), Grillz writes:

---
damn this site used to be good, but taking pictures of me from a bunch of jokes pictures from like 2005 is what this site is all about now?

im just glad that i was even close to a female and the closest you fags came was inches from your mothers asshole and possibly the one time you touched your retarded cousins tits.
---

That's totally unfair. I've touched my retarded cousin's tits on multiple occasions.

-------
Certain I am, however, that a king's head is solemnly oiled at his coronation, even as a head of salad. Can it be, though, that they anoint it with a view to making its interior run well, as they anoint machinery?

Much might be ruminated here, concerning the essential dignity of this regal process, because in common life we esteem but meanly and contemptibly a fellow who anoints his hair, and palpably smells of that anointing. In truth, a mature man who uses hair-oil, unless medicinally, that man has probably got a quoggy spot in him somewhere. As a general rule, he can't amount to much in his totality.
----

From Melville's Moby Dick, Norton Critical Edition p.101 (h/t Marcel Douchechamp )

The lost Sheen brother ain't doing so well since they canceled his role in Men at Work 2.

----
Dear DB1,

Recently, I was pondering the current state of aviator sunglasses. Are they inherently douchey, much like the mandana, or is it possible to wear them with no conveyed doucheyness?

Thanks,
Jared
----

I'm not ready to place aviator sunglasses into "autodouche" status just yet. Take this Ed Hardy disaster, mugging a Quartasian Lovely Paid to Pose Hott.

If that garish spectacle of a t-shirt were not being worn, he might even earn a nottadouche, as there is no major 'tude, no hand gestures, no garish tatts, and no general sleeze. So, for now, I'm willing to let aviator sunglasses slide.

Can someone explain the shirtless backpack thingy on the ubersquats?

First Crabs McGee. Now Private Ryan here.

Is this a new 2009 douchal innovation? What does it mean?

Ah, screw it. I'm havin' another bowl of Corn Pops.

Somewhere in this pic, I've carefully...

Ass Pear.

Yesterday's Mack the Nozzle gets even closer to giving Francine a strange rash on her upper thigh.

It's enough to make Gandhi punch a cancer patient in the glutes.

Yup, Mack and Francine are making a push for the Weekly.

And your humble narrator is making a push for more HoHos.

Leave the boobs.

Take the cannolis.

Part of me hoped we'd never see this groinshave again. But we are not here to avoid witnessing the hottie/douchey plague, but to confront it. Minnie Von Shtup is delectably hot, and Crabs cannot be denied his greased up Mickey Roarke douchery.

The voters speak:

Douche N Dallas: Crabs McGee gets my vote. His hott is an uberhott as noted but he is pure scrote. The shaved everything and showing his scrotal region. Unacceptable. I'm going to take a shower now after looking at him.

Jane Q. Public: It has to be Crabs and Minnie von Shtup for the weekly--the groin shave and the boobies full body wax boobies and the boobies tilt of the hat boobies clinch this boobies one for me.

Kinderplatz: Definitely Crabs McGee. The picture itself is an atrocity of WTF? It makes me dizzy to look at it. Then I realize it's because I'm bleeding from my eyes, ears and nose.

"Lesbian Thermos" Ernie Tubesock: Crabs McGee for the W. I bet he's German. He also has that Cirque de Soleil feel to him; maybe they're a high wire act?

teh abominable snowdouche: I'm gonna go with Crabs. Because oiled up, ab-revealing, white glove-wearing, hat-tilting punch-face douche deserves punch. In the face. And crabs. I could go on. He also has the hottest hottety hot.

Mr. Biggs: Crabs all the way. This picture is worth a thousand word essay on why the natural state of man is barbarism, war, and darkness.

shawk: Crabs und Minnie. I believe that they are Venezuelan, BTW.

Anonymous: Crabs McGee based on his douchey accessories, and uberhott babe. Remember folks, its HOT chicks with douchebags, not attractive chicks with douchebags.

d'oh!chebag: But Crabs...he's uber Van Damme douche as db1 stated. Plus that shaved and oiled groin reveal...does it get any douchier than that????? I mean, that move alone is really one of the most powerful solitary finishers in the douche armory/repertoire. Minnie is also classic hott, what with her seductive black stockings and plethora of cleavage.

Franklyn Delano Doucheifielt: I state without equivocation that Minnie torpedoes all competition this week and is worthy of Hall of Hott. Bow ties and stockings take her game to the stratosphere. And by stratosphere, I mean splooge. Crabs goes in the totally opposite direction -- nearly all of the accouterments we have come to label, mock and shame. And so in their vivid antithetical juxtaposition we have the essence of HCwDb. Crabs FTW

Rhonda the Boob: Only Crabs' lady has a nice set of jugs that I can throw my support behind. Her boobs are like two water balloons encased in that putty used to hold fake nails on young ladies' fingers.

Sergent Scrote Stain: After taking several minutes to gather my courage, I look into a pair of eyes that allow me a glimpse into the most frightening of hells. Forget the abs, chest shavery, hat scrote-wankery, and the Jacksonesque gloves, and peer deep into that veneer of penultimate hollowness. Mr. McGee cares not of his stupendous hott (I would gladly forfeit my constitutional rights to freedom of speech and trial by jury for the chance to snort her discarded toenail clippings), he cares not for learning, or trinkets, or shirts, or breathing. No, he lives to douche, douches to live. He is the love child of Smoot and E-Blow and has come to ascend to his rightful place atop Mount O'Turdus.

Anonymous: Crabs FTW - the hat, the glove, the pose that's designed to maximize the stench...and his hott is by far the best this week.

The regs bringing the smackdown in a major way in another genius comments thread. Massive props to the voters. Coming in a very respectable second place, the t-shirted Party Fluffkin:

ehcuodouche: I'd have to go with party fluffkin. He apparently lacks the financial means to deck himself out in Ed Hardy, DG and Armani Exchange, but he was able to steal a belt off some wino and fashioned an uberdouche shirt out with nothing more than old Hanes T-shirt and a sharpie.

TurningGargoyle: So hard a choice; Crabs equals all that is wrong with this world, Party Fluffkin is a piece of trash, plain and simple. Crabs only saving grace is that he is probably giving all the chicks he bangs some sort of STD (vaginal warts, syphilis, and/or AIDS) which is proper punishment for the girls who are attracted to such filth. So basically, Crabs is a disciplinarian, which is needed by society. Hence, my pick for douche of the week goes to Party Fluffkin, as he offers nothing to society.

Hot Buttered Poopcorn: With so little in the way of douchecessories, no visible tatts, and no bling, you'd wonder how he even got into the weekly. But that douche face and the crotch-grab seals the deal. The power of scrote is naturally strong in this one. He is a douche by his own standards. His douchosity is recession-proof. It is him, not his props that make him douchey.
Party Fluffer FTW.

The Donger: I would beat down Fluffkin with a baseball bat and a tire iron while wearing my own shirt saying "I like to beat down douches who smirk and grab their nuts while holding henna-wearing, red-bull drinking bleeths", but that would be too long to write, I think.

Bilbo Douchebaggins: Audrina's got the henna hand that won't be grabbin' Fluffkin's nads - and with his right hand busy saying hi to the boys and his left hand securely keeping Audrina from bolting - it's the perfect time to punch him in his thin kissy lips.

I'm glad there was some appreciation, and by appreciation I mean mock, for Party Fluffkin. For he is true real-world HCwDB, even if his hott was not model level. Coming in a distant but solid third, the Wall Street "Brah!" of Blackberry Bob and Abby Hott:

I R A Darth Aggie: Blackberry Bob: you're in swim trunks and you're wearing a ridiculous watch and Blackberry? not sterile, not posed and real, but a moron. And Abby's not a bleeth (yet) and may yet be saved.

DarkSock: Because wearing a data phone on an armband as a brag is like putting a big ass sticker on your car's back window saying "YEAH BABY IT'S GOT A/C!!!". And ALSO because Abby Licious could sit on a boat trailer hitch and kegel it into a railroad spike. With handlebar grips on it.

Zeus: Blackberry Bob. Because he's a Eurobag. Because he's on a boat. And because he's just hardcore raging with a calculator strapped to his arm. Sure Pamela's a bit mannish, but this is the kind of shape you have to be in if you are hoping to climb Mt. Olympus.

Douche Springsteen: Blackberry Bob FTW, for the simple fact that he takes a time out from "partying" to trade stocks with his "smart" phone. I bet he pretends it's a gun and like blows pretend smoke its barrel then pretends to twirl it around his index finger before he slides it back in that stupid little holster when he makes a sale mid-party. And Abby just encourages it, as long as he is paying for the drinks.

But this was the Crabs week to scrote. As pv1 puts it:

Listen. I'm gonna keep it simple. Crabs McGee's hott has the best sideboob. I may not want to see that "groinal shave" but i do want to see her sweet sideboob again.

Very true, PV1. And lets let Maxim Kovalenko take us home:

It's gotta be Crabs. He is the pompitous of douche.

Book Crabs and Minnie a ticket to the monthly. They are the HCwDB of the Week. And rightly so.

PIC DELETED

For what would little 'bags do without them?

Because nothing quite expresses the soul of a musician/poet like random chinese letter necktatts, random necktatts involving the word "die," blue Cirque Du Soleil eyebrow tatts and blue popsicle tongue lick.

Francine thinks he's "adorable," and "so funny." And "deep down he's really sweet."

Francine will soon add "itchy" to that list.

Manos writes in with a 'bag tag from Greece:

----
Hi DB1,

Congratulations for your work showing the world's douche-dom!

I got one for you, this one comes from the island of Crete, Greece. That is a place lots of tourists from Northern European countries prefer to go for vacations, including blond Swedish hotties. And then the local DOC (Douche Organizing Committee) sends out their scouts like the guy in the attached picture, to check hoes out and have fun brah!

Hope my little contribution is good enough for HCwDB, this site kicks ass!

- Manos
----

This 'bag tag is most certainly worthy of HCwDB, Manos, and I'm pleased to see the hottie/douchey mock is spreading to yet another country in our global quest to ridicule 'bags in all their forms.

Sadly, it also reminds us that Swedish tasties lost on Greek Islands need rescuing from the Scrotal Plague. Preferably by me. Using a garden hose, six gallons of goat milk and a vibrating Furby.

Blythe demanded Hank return her cardigan, even if his shirtlessness in the slums of Istanbul meant the rats would come.

One of the clearest and most toxic pollutants in the douchebag's arsenal of whack is the "guyliner."

Using the Stephen Hawking rule of a folding cosmos, the douche figures that guyliner is so feminine it must wrap around to the other end of the gender binary, becoming uber-masculine. It is logic by way of inversion of gender tropes, by way of a pile of yak poo.

Here we find Gary ready to get in the camera's "face!"

While Barbie Cara endures a stomach rub.

Later, Gary's tri-color hair and sensitive eyes will earn him Cara's true affections, when the lapdance begins.

PIC DELETED

Yup, it's late night HCwDB!

Come on in. The jacuzz is firin'. The s'mores are melting in the microwave.

Grab a PBR! Pull up a chair.

And lets all say a collective "WTF" to this guy. He's like Lionel Ritchie by way of the Wu Tang by way of an abandoned rest stop outhouse off the I-9 near Scranton.

And Tammy Hott is all sorts of "substitute teacher young mom working on her nursing degree" goodness. Don't say you wouldn't. If you do, you're lying.

The crowd at the Sammy Hagar tribute band reunion, Hagarpalooza, grew restless as they waited for "I Can't Drive 55."

Relax. Don't do it.

No, seriously. Don't.

No one needs to see the fabled "teeth abs reveal." Not even the Won Sisters.

Now clip off the pigeon turds clinging to the tips of your hair and go order the ladies two Cosmos, before the bouncer gives you a wedgie.

Hair Templeton, and his mixed 'bag Bleethy girlfriend, just cast their votes in the HCwDB of the Week.

Have you voted yet?

Last night, after fourteen Trader Joes Hansen's Sodas, I discovered something profound. I could pee on one leg while humming the theme to Rawhide. It was quite impressive.

Here's your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Crabs McGee

A toxic pic of scrotal revelation, Crabs McGee and Princess Minnie Von Shtup are visual overload.

Lets run down the list of powerhouse douchosity:

The white glove. The silly hat. The bizarre backpack straps. The greasy groin shave. The Jean Claude Van Damme Doucheface.

And yes, way too much reveal of groinsackery.

Minnie is ethereal otherworldly hotness. The kind that doesn't exist in nature. Or in college. It only exists at the W Hotel, where you have to buy her at least four drinks while she acts bored and texts her friends. Not that I'm bitter. Looking at you, Allison.

Together, this may be a posed "model" pic, but it is uberHCwDB, and well earns its place in the Weekly.

However there is the question we must ask. Do we really want to see that groinal shave ever again? Maybe not. This may cost Crabs votes.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Blackberry Bob and Abby Licious

A crowd favorite for the double douche move of Blackberry armstrap and pleather watchstrap on Bob, Pamela divided opinion.

Some found her lithe body and taut abs to be celebratory female achievement.

Others found her too skinny and meatless for true objectification.

I tend towards the latter. Pamela is definitely hot, but I like a bit more suckle thigh on my suckle thigh.

That being said, Bob is uberdouche, even on a roof in Calcutta.

HCwDB of the Week: Party Fluffkin

From Friday's Thoughts and Links, this crotch fondling smug Fratclown has all the markings for Weekly Mock.

But it's not just writing the boring and dull "I Like to Party" on his shirt.

It's the first douche-face + crotch-grab move we've seen in months. Factor in studded belt, and Party F is all sorts of lameassitudinal.

Audrina also has surprisingly suckleable suckle torso on display, and while she is stage-3 Douchebaguette, there is much to offer by way of her genetic merit.

(Dis)honorable mention to The Redneckbags, who didn't quite bring enough Southern Douche to make the finals, The Long Island Douche Ferns and the ab revealing Friday Haiku, who just missed the cut.

Them's your three.

Help a brotha out and vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Your humble narrator is lying around on his rug, enjoying the tasty sugary goodness of a Hostess Cupcake. It is chocolatey.

Los Angeles is steamy. Sweaty. Bright sunlight that hurts the eyes. It smells like hair spray and desperation amongst the palm trees and cactii.

As I muse on this steaming butt taint who's dived into this mixed-bag pile of Midwestern ladiesfriends, I can't help but reach an epiphany.

The world needs more Ukulele wall art.

I ran a link to this awhile back, but a reader sent it in again and it's worth another look. Hottie/Douchey Grieco Virus contamination in upstate New York, all in one strange, surreal bar building clip.

And yes. Erika is Douchebaguette. But, on the other hand, boobies.

Because nothing impresses your hott quite like camping out at a highway rest stop.

And by "party," he means grab his nads.

There's probably way too many links for this week, so I'll forgo my usual ramblings and get straight to the goodstuffs:

Follow your humble narrator on Twitter.

The only sex video you will ever need to see. Big Jim Slade satisfies all. And the capitol of Nebraska is Lincoln.

The reason YouTube was invented. And no, I have no idea who made this, or why.

A reader snapped a pic of my future ex-wife's car. Figures she'd take me for a Benz.

Young suburbanite Tom O'Connor discovers autotune, becomes a douchebag. As per a comment, this is what it sounds like when doves cry.

A number of other readers are naming their fantasy football teams after HCwDB characters, but This was my favorite. But where's Matt Stafford and Jeff Reed?

Okay, I'll admit it. Last night, drunk on Night Train, I found myself attracted to Flo, the Kooky Progressive Insurance Girl. Mock me if you must.

The great charactor actor Henry Gibson passed away this week. Gibson had a role in the coolest movie of all time, and more recently was hilarious in Wedding Crashers. RIP Blues Brother Nazi. "Write the check, Roger!"

Patrixxx wins Douchiest Myspace of the Week. Maybe the Month. Yikes. "Celebrate your success and stand strong when adversity hits, for when the storm clouds come in, the eagles soar while the small birds take cover..."

The University of Virginia, dipped in irony like a chocolate laser beam, tries to defend its douchery. Any state with a Man-assas Junction has problems.

But before we get to our Ass Pear, how's a little Asspearlepsy to fire up the synapses?

What? Too annoying?

Okay, here ya go: Bite Me Ass Pear.

----
Hey DB1,

I'm a long-time fan, first time e-mailer. There is something that has been bothering me....

Yesterday I was studying pesticide use on farms, and the textbook explained that pests, over time, will become immune to the particular chemical..The farmers would then have to resort to different forms of chemical to kill the pests.

This got me thinking about douchebags. Does mocking them make them immune to further mocking (i.e. Donkey Douche, Arthur Kade)? If you take a look at culture right now, people continue to be walking billboards, and Ed Hardy still stays strong. Do we have to resort to other forms of douche protesting, like physical beatings?

Jason
----

While I grant you that the last year of Hardy-esque resurgence in douchal apparel has made me wonder if the tide is still turning, there have been a number of victories in our war due to our power of mock.

Ridiculous bling has become more muted. Popped collar is going extinct. Gang gestures and sneery lips are also less prevalent.

This doesn't mean this war won't continue and get worse. There are billions of dollars to be made by saturating our mediascape with an entanglement between erotics and market product. Brands like Axe Bodyspray and L.A. Looks, and many of the cheesy energy drink companies, are incorporating self-mock and pseudo-irony to stay in the game.

There's a long way to go. But we're making in-roads.

Oh Denmark.

First Smørrebrød.

Now this.

Young 'bag, still not wise.
When brunette shakes ass pear tree,
Thou must get lost, douche.

I've seen that buckle
on NeverEnding Story
He is the Nothing

-- jonezy

Jenny strikes a pose
Next to Jason's stiffened corpse
Models can be cruel

- Mr. White

James Earl Jones would puke.
Thulsa Doom's snake emblem, eh?
Nothing is sacred.

- "Lesbian Thermos" Ernie Tubesock

Shapely haunches, but
no white pants past Labor Day.
You're no Snake Pliskin.

- Bag A

Nice vegetation
By vegetation I mean
Nutritious Ass pear

- teh abominable snowdouche

When nervous, this scrote
Gets both panties and his shirt
Tied up in a bunch.

- Crucial Head

pairing looks like... Congratulation Mr. Choad's Wild Ride. Imma let you finish. Everybody knows Crucial had the best haiku of all time.

-- Mr. Choad's Wild Ride

Far be it for me to make fun of a memorial tattoo, but unless I'm reading your left pec incorrectly, was Jesus your grandfather?

So can I call you Terry? Or Mr. Christ?

That will totally get you and Holly Hott past the line at Hyde.

I've noticed in the threads lately a push to blame legendary 1970s/80s TV star Dirk Benedict as one of the originators of the grand Hollywood douche plague.

This is unfair. I must object.

Anyone who starred with Willie Ames in the lost classic of the screwball caper genre, Scavenger Hunt, earns massive props.

The actor who played the original Battlestar Gallactica Starbuck as an alcoholic, cigar chomping, girl chasing, scenery chewing douchebag is not, therefore, a douchebag.

And what of Benedict's brilliant avant-garde work using the Meisner Technique to bring out the subtleties of Faceman in The A-Team? It changed modern acting as we know it.

Dirk Benedict was not a douchebag. He just played one on TV, with great irony and self awareness. For that, he earns a lifetime nottadouche.

What has Dirk Benedict been up to lately? Here he is auditioning for Battlestar Funtopia, along with 80s douche Corbin Bernsen.

Add water, hair gel, overprized tees bought at Nordstrom and a degree from DeVry, and expect little growth for the next 40-60 years.

Yup. It's HCwDB legend, Dog.

Liver.

Lover.

Penicillin user.

As to the lady, I can't tell if she's naked or wearing a small, rubber, flesh covered watermelon, so I'm going with it.