Broheim!!

Check out these wacky goggs I brought with me, broski!! This party is totally off the hook!!

Hope you two don't mind that I tagged along on your date, Brosephii!!

It's all good, Brotinis!!

Here's yet another classic example of "Scrotal Aura."

A dude who, other than a strange hair-loss pattern and a d-neck t-shirt, really hasn't committed any cardinal sins of choadwankery.

Yet something about his smug armlock of Susan eminates the taint of a thousand unwashed ballsacks. He is more than the sum of his parts. And by sum, I mean taint. And by parts, I mean balls.

Susan is perky, tiny, firm and delicious. She's not our classic model type, but there is accountant-in-the-next-cubicle goodness with a dash of wild-side that is all sorts of happy pants screaming "Yayyyy!" on the short bus goodness.

-----
DB1-

I was watching the Colbert Report this evening as per usual, and they had a guest who was discussing Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). As she described the symptoms of the disorder, I couldn't help but think, "Wow, that sounds a lot like a douchebag!"

So I dug deeper to find the wikipedia page describing NPD, and sure enough the title of the article could have been "Douchebags." Could this disorder be caused by the Grieco Virus?

Here is the link to the wikipedia article for your convenience: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

Sincerely,
left4douche
----

Douchebaggery's disorder is actually a distant cousin of NPD, left4douche. The medical community generally refers to it as "Scrotal Personality Taint Disorder," and it differs from NPD in one crucial respect: It is performative based. A learned behavior. A simulation if you will. That smells like a collegiate locker room's sweatsock taint.

As such, treatment is generally recommended to be internet mocking based, or else a swift kick to the nads.

Oh, Pilar. You sweet Brazilian minx. You have delightful teeth and a perky nose. All you wanted to do is come to America and sample our fine array of tasty cola beverages.

But instead a square chinned Robodouche with name-brand cap is mugging your personal space.

On behalf of Americans everywhere, I apologize. He is the Conquistador of anti-culture. The Montezuma's Revenge of ruptive scrote.

Please do not play "just the tip" in a couple of hours. It will end badly, and Carnivale will never be the same.

Not since those first primitive marsupial ancestors of our crawled out from the fjords and across the Adriondacks to seek out a mate by shouting "Yo, wassup? You work out?" have we seen such primitive scrotewankery.

Millions of years of evolution later.

Now the Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh shouts "wooo!!"

And she's approached by billboards of a culture gone scrote. Who armlock her. And say "Yo."

"Wassup? You work out?"

But, on the bright side, we did invent bikinis.

Leonardo Douche Vinci writes in from England:

----
Hello,

I love your site and have been enjoying it for a couple of years now. I want to give back to the community.

These are by no means as douchey as your american breeds, who must have evolved on a high protein and poo diet after the puritan exodus, our douchebags have to survive in a far more subtle fashion. However you can see they still have the classic "hat tilt" mating signal that clear signifies them as the classic Douchebaggus Maximus we all know and deride.

Yours Sincerely,
Leonardo Douche Vinci
----

The thing about the weak, inbred looking British chin, like we see here on Flock of Britgulls, is that I'm never sure if a dude is British or a twelve year old pygmy.

I do love Sally Jones, in all her uptight sexually repressed and vitamin-c deficiencies. I would read her Jacobian tragedies by candlelight, then hump her ankles while singing Monty Python's "Every Sperm Is Sacred" in a fey, falsetto voice.

Nothing says "Rasta Gangsta" in suburban Skokie quite like Jared tha Pimp.

Kimmy is delightful, cherubic, and way too happy to be embracing this Doobage of minimal future employment.

Yet stylin' wall artwork.

Greazy-E knows what's up.

And what's up is when you pose with a cherubic blonde uberhott for your MySpace mainpage, make sure your shaved abs are properly greased for maximum photogenic effect.

Otherwise people might question what an inflated headwound Musclebag is doing with a lamb suckle of that quality.

Distract 'em with the abs, Greazy. And they'll never know what hit 'em.

Jean Jacket Jerry is all sorts of Phish listening Bennington attending ball-kicking assclownery.

Cheryl is a leading cause of global warming. In my pants.

And if that joke was lame, it is lame only because Cheryl is so hott that higher brain function in the area that leads to clever puns and alliterative euphemisms breaks down in a Mad Cowian way in her presence.

I would marinate myself in a giant vat of Bosco chocolate syrup and pickle brine for thirty-six straight hours wearing only flip-flops and a small loin cloth just for the chance to awkwardly sniff her abandoned pleather sofa from her sophomore year dorm common room.

2008 HCwDB of the Year Finalist, Tighty Armani, has brought along his tight Armani/Exchange shirt, Ubiquitous Red Cups, two tiny Long Island Jenny Cutes, and his Posse of b-list clowns, to vote in the HCwDB of the Week.

T.A. has voted.

Have you?

This week's Weekly and next week's Weekly may seem like we're simply looking to fill up the last two spots to lose to Crosshair McJohnson and Leia in the next Monthly.

But it is a done deal? Are Crosshair's frosted tips and Leia's Latino Princesses a "sure thing"? You're not safe yet, Crosshair. These three gumbys are gunning to take you on.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Doughboy and Gidget

The strange camera angle.

The "straight from Long Beach" gangsta pud.

The hot 1950s "Naughty Housewife" in leopard bikini with pink trim.

The tiny, clear cup of either 1) Urine, 2) liquid amber or 3) Budweiser, the Piss of Beers.

Doughboy is classic West Coast stage-3 infectuous Douchery. Granted, no hand gestures. But the kissy lips and full body dough-tatt tell you all you need to know.

Gidget makes my warm lower regions get warmer. She is bodice ripping goodness. Sweet sweet cans.

I touched her cans.

Her sweet, sweet cans.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Ass Pear and Douchehead

For bringing in some 19th Century Germanic folklore in their first appearance, this horrible tale of teenage hormones gone wrong in a cold and civil society brings important historical artifact.

And by artifact I mean those butts are both art, and fact.

There is a certainty to their glutteous roundness that we must locate outside of the simulacrum. That grounds us in "the real."

It is not our psyche that projects those butt bongos. It is outside of our subjectivity. For they are boingy.

And Douchehead is all that is punchworthy about giant mandanas and facial pubes.

I'd curse his ancestors in Gaelic, then pee on his Saab in the parking lot.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Blenderboy

Featuring the uber-annoying beanie propellor douche-hair, Blenderboy rankles on a number of levels.

The stupid sleve-tatts.

The scrotal chin-pubes, apparently dyed black.

The lime-green shirt that screams "Nerd Punk."

And Fanny Brice calls for flesh pinching.

I would do naughty things to her old pair of Crocs, which she doesn't wear anymore because they're not in style.

Then I would read her passages from an excellent biography on Benjamin Disraeli until she grew bored and turned on "From Gs to Gents."

So them's your three.

And three must become one.

And no slacking. I'm looking at you, Kevin in Mississippi and Cheryl in Arlington. Step up and vote.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

I haven't seen a head that infested since I mud-wrestled that midget for coin in an outdoor market in outer Uraguay during Monsoon season.

(Warning: No hotts, unless you have a thing for raccoons)

bal·loon (bə-lōōn') Pronunciation Key
n.

1. A flexible bag designed to be inflated with hot air or with a gas, such as helium, that is lighter than the surrounding air, causing it to rise and float in the atmosphere.

2. Such a bag with sufficient capacity to lift and transport a suspended gondola or other load.

3. Such a bag shaped like a figure or object when inflated; an inflatable.

4. A usually round or oblong inflatable rubber bag used as a toy.

5. Medicine A sac that is inserted into a body cavity or tube and distended with air or gas for therapeutic purposes, such as angioplasty.

6. A rounded or irregularly shaped outline containing the words that a character in a cartoon is represented to be saying.

7. Maaaammmmaaaa....

v. bal·looned, bal·loon·ing, bal·loons

Courtesy of The Smoking Gun, Vince, the Shamwow and Chop Guy, was busted for allegedly Slap Chopping up a sexy alleged prostitute, pictured here.

Yowza.

I guess she didn't love his nuts.

Scrunchybag reminds me of when MoMA ran that great Picasso exhibit a few years ago.

Yasmine Chiquita reminds me that hips with meat can also be lampchop gnaw-worthy.

It's Friday and the DB1 relaxes in his chair with a porcelain cup of Night Train Fortified Wine, and stares into the Los Angeles haze.

Two squirrels are fighting on the palm tree by my window. One of them has a faux hawk.

Stupid douchey squirrel. I pee on your acorn.

And that, my friends, is my Friday Thought: I pee on your acorn.

Here's your links:

Mildly amusing parody, Honest College Ad, with a fun HCwDB surprise at the end.

Cock Shots. Don't have time to screw up your balls? Now you do.

Comedy Douche Vortex, Dane Cook, has issues with his brother. I almost feel bad for the spikey haired scrotewank.

The Worst (Best) Tramp Stamp

You know what the world needs more of? Shocker gloves. Classy.

This could be the greatest movie trailer of all time: Cat Shit One

HCwDB musical band leader Vin Douchal unleashes his latest opus, dedicated to Bra!!, Bra! The Gun Show.

And finally... the moment you've all been waiting for...

Samurai Scrote shreds. It's not in stereo. It's in Metaphysiceo. (edit: link fixed)

Okay, you've been good. Here's your Friday Ass Pear.

Okay, what's with the nuclear proton sunglasses on the douchewanks mugging the Sorority Girls lately?

It's now a full blown trend.

We've gone from suck to blow, people.

I demand answers.

Even the Shamwow Guy couldn't find anything redeeming in this Blenderboy.

Especially the large, dyed black, chin-pube ants on the Bataan Death March.

The hott may not be modelly perfection, but she is round, plump and zaftig in all the right places. Some might call her trashy. I call it a flesh buffet with dancing leprechauns in which I would stare longingly at her cleavite while chanting the rhythmic "Ommmm."

And then I'd rub her thighs with Crisco until she grew bored and wrote an entry in her diary about how, like, she's totally going back to nursing school.

Luigi writes in:

----
Hey Man,

I think the picture and caption of me are HILARIOUS...i really do...this picture is actually from a douchebag theme party...by making the site it looks like i dressed right...i would really appreciate it if you took the picture down though...i'm a district attorney and would appreciate it not being posted...you labeled me "luigi's tripple pop"...which is a hilarious title by the way...thank you so much and please inform me (if possible) when you take it down...

keep up the great site,
(luigi)
----

Feh, I was told the pic was legit, not a dressup. But while D.A.s who can't spell "triple" deserve some mock, I'm a fair half-drunk unshowered guy, so I'll scratch myself and do the right thing.

Instead, here's a luscious Satin Cupcake posing with Elton's John.

What Zen Force grabs hotts?
Hark! Undercover Stallion,...
'Tis Samurai Scrote.

Bunny Suckle Hotts
Make sandwich from Samurai
No mustard: napalm.

-- Douche Wayne

Got the girls angry.
Way to celebrate Easter.
Between hot cross buns.

-- Rage and Lust in the time of Holbrooks

Samuri Scrote pulls
The long tall bunny hotts, his
Eggs; color by Paas.

- Captain Bringdown

And on the sixth day
Samürai Sørote created
Rabbits for pleasure.

-- Crucial Head

Poo in a bunny
sandwich. Somewhere Hefner cries,
"I did not want this!"

-- Joey Jo Jo Shabbadouche

-----
Hey DB1,

I've noticed lately on your site, you have posted some stuff regarding the doucheness of gamebags (Russell Brand, Everybody doesn't love Raymond, Mystery)....

While I would agree that their spectacle makes them douchified, I think we may be a little hard on them. I, for instance, am trying to get better with women myself..So, naturally, some of the stuff the gamebags discuss are good applications to use in the dating game (eg. 3 second rule when approaching a woman). At what point do we accept the gamebags, because, for good or for worse, some of their ideas can help great guys (like me), make success.............Does that make me a douche for accepting some of their ideas?

I'm not saying that they are off the hook for mocking, but where is the fine-line between using good dating ideas and becoming a douche? I, like you (im assuming), want to be great with women like they are.

Cheers,
Jason
----

The problem, Jason, is that it wasn't always this way. The acquisition of the hott didn't always function as a scoreboard for masculine accomplishment.

Your goals are laudable. You desire the boobie hottie suckle thigh. However what you do in pursuit of the hott, how much you allow yourself to transform into douchey-ass spectacle, is as important as the end result.

We must shift the culture around us. Bring back laughter and goofiness and fun to the mating game. It doesn't have to be the dour, humorless contest of wills and egos that has been sold to us by the culture industry because it's profitable for them to turn us into walking billboards.

If enough of us push back, the shift will take place.

It's like a 1950s Frankie Avalon surfer comedy by way of late 1990s Ska-punk Long Beach douche mashup.

Keep makin' the Kissy Lips, Doughboy. The only thing saving you from a stage-4 uberdouche is the lack of "gang" hand gestures and the lack of Ubiquitous Red Cup.

Gidget has the disposition of sunshine retrograde Norman Rockwell Fictive Nostalgic Never-Was.

And, in the parlance of the early Greek philosophers, gigantic gimnimony grab-worthy hooters.

Am I making any sense today? I need another coffee.

One of the first truly breakout pics to appear on the site, before the Oompa Prompas, before The Gator, was the legendary boob grab of Pumpy.

Pumpy was instant legend.

Sadly, Pumpy passed away in Vegas a few months later, and so we moved him out of the Hall of Scrote and gave him his very own memorial section on the site.

But before he passed on to the party in the sky, Pumpy lived the life that only a superhuman can. For those of you with more than a passing interest in Pumpy's Girl, here's more on her from Coed Magazine.

We miss your Zen boob grabs and pokey underwear, Pumpster.

R.I.P.

Smoking Paola from Brazil still hasn't figured out which is worse, American Douchewanks, or getting robbed by local street urchins during Carnivale.

I'll give Ted on the right a borderline nottadouche.

But you, Nuclear Head? You are a squated turd from 1993 left to harden in the frozen snow of the Adirondacks. Until eventually it spontaneously acquired consciousness. And made the "Rock Star Horns."

A Pooey Home Companion, indeed.

Jim makes the Soccer 'Bag Tag:

----
DB1-

Despite being voted the best soccer player in the world, Ronaldouche's careless over extension into douchitude has rendered him insolvent.

Much like his team's sponsor AIG, Ronaldouche has finally defaulted on his non-douche liquidity, and must now be propped up by an ever dwindling pool of scrote bailout in the form of advertisements and brand name sponsorship.

-Jim
------

And 45 Degree Hat Tilt and Jesus Bling. At the beach.

However, L'italiano's boobinos are tutto buono. Even if she looks a bit bucktoothy here. But we should grant leeway due to the awkward position.

Speaking of Italian Hottness, mmm.... Monica Bellucci. I would Mary her Magdelines while Matrixing her, uhm, boobs.

There's a story here. It's strange and complex. And involves ferrets. And Raisinettes. And a Hawaiian spy named Juanita smuggling the stolen battle plans in her high heels.

But I can't figure it out. So I turn it over to you.

Post your best one paragraph summary of the events that led to this photo and you could win a free glass of water and napkin at your nearest Sizzler Steakhouse, courtesy of HCwDB.

Go to it.

The HCwDB grillz wearing legend that is 'Bag Bats Maru has brought his multicultural shirtless posse and two Gladiatresses to say the following:

You best not mess with him. Or he will chomp.

I'm gonna give Brothabag Albert on the left a nottadouche pass, as he's just settling into his mid 40s and enjoying a tasty Baccardi and Rum.

To the blondes? Yes, please.

And to L.L. Poo Jay down below?

Douche.

PIC DELETED

When macking on sexy cheekboned brunettes, Luigi knows how to bust true gangsta style.

1. Tri-Color Triple Collar Pop (with pink Izod on top in dominant position, natch)

2. 10 Degree Pink Hat Tilt.

3. White sweatdana.

4. The tiniest tuft of chin pubes.

Svetlana is Eastern European mail-order goodness. Her understated beauty deserves a round of applause. And by applause, I mean my headbutting a pommel horse.

Here's a (pic deleted) to fully appreciate the Luigi Experience.

I smell a Weekly.

Or maybe that's just my rug.

In a close two-way fight between Purple Lips's scarfbaggery and the Spring Break Log, it was Purps for the win. And by win, I mean cultural atrocity:

The Reverend Doom: Purple Lips and Carmen for the Win! He's a maga-douche with that bizarro outfit and scrote worthy scarf. ya think he could at least coordinate his clothes instead of deciding by wearing the least smelly ones that are laying on the floor. Carmen is super cute without revealing much - what a babe.

omega4132: Pulple Lips FTW. The hair, the rosary beads, the Grey Goose and Red Bull. The scrote.

Creature: purple lips needs to be shoved on the third rail & peed upon... purp ftw

Luke: I had to log in by mobile from abroad to vote, but it's worth it to insist purple lips gets it. I do think whitey deserved a spot in the top 3, though.

Michelle Tyson: PL because he looks like a cross between Don King and Mr. T, because he wants to look like this, and because he thinks he looks good. I pity the fool.

Captain Bringdown: Purple Lips gets worse every time I look at him. He just keeps rolling out the douche like an effeminate Donkey Kong hurling barrels of Axe, product, and lip gloss at me as I try to rescue poor Carmen from both him and her Cousin It wig.

Mr. Choad's Wild Ride: Purple Lips should take the advice of Senator Charles Grassley (R)-Iowa and commit suicide. Although Purple Lips may not face a congressional hearing committee for taking a bonus after receiving a multi-billion dollar federal bailout, his scarf, lipstick, frosted-tipped spiked hair, and disporportionatly long belt should get him a Douchebag of the Week.

Well said, Panel. Another excellent round of voting and douche/hott shredding. Coming in a strong second was Spring Break 'Bag:

Douche Attack 3: Megalodouche: Purple lips is comical, Spring Break Bag is very irritating. He is source douche. SBB takes it.

the douche leader, kim jong illin': SBB, put the hott down, go back to grad school, and take off the tags before someone who earned them chokes you with them.

Charles Nelson Douchely: Spring Break Bag. Very much 'Revenge of the Choads 2: Choads in Paradise"-y. Although Booger would still kick his arse up and down the shore.

'Bag Hammadi: Spring Break Bag FTW: the complete package, and his Morgana Bleeth even ups the total ante by striking an attempt at commercial parody pose.

And the creepy Bandaidto came in a distant third:

Clint Douchewood: It has to be Bandaito for the weekly, because that face screams to the heavens, "Please god, will someone strike me in the gallbladder." I certainly hate the other two contestants, but for two very specific reasons, captain bludgeon my stupid face, aka sergeant fecal feliac, also known as Bandaito, must win.

Anonymous: Bandaidto is old man pants rank, plus bandaid, wristband, and shocker smell of bengay and egg farts. Contrast that with the cute little black skirted minx. She adds back what he takes away and then some.

But with only a few votes, Bandaidto's strategically placed bandaid and Alba Hott didn't rankle as much as I thought it would.

So Purps and Carmen are our clear winner. And by winner, I mean laughable douche-scarf and blonde suckle thigh being Doggie 'Bagged. Gaijindouche takes it home:

Purple lips. He knows exactly what he is doing, and for that he should be punished accordingly.

Yes. Yes he does. And Carmen is delightful hair extension butt-paddle-worthy cuteness. For that, they earn the right to compete in the HCwDB of the Month.

"She walked up close and grabbed my hand. She said she's single with no man. "

It's like the poetry of W. H. Auden. If he'd had a front-lobe lobotomy and a lisp.

----
Hey there!

I thought I would send this priceless nugget of joy along since keeping it for myself would be a sin.

My roommate and I live in Chicago and our friend decided it would be a good idea to throw a birthday party in Schaumburg one recent Saturday night. Schaumburg is almost synonymous with douchebag. It's your typical chain restaurant saturated, mall centered, soccer mom town. It's amazing how ridiculously clueless guys can be when they are living just outside the city of Chicago.

Anyway, my roommate and I, after much deliberation, decided to attend the party which was at the worst chain bar location in history, John Barleycorn, for the sole reason that we might run into some fantastic douchebags. Well, our predictions were spot on and we took this picture just before we went running for the hills. It was like spotting a unicorn. You couldn't manufacture such doucheyness if you tried! So here it is, my greatest attempt yet, a picture that speaks a thousand words.

Sincerely,
Brenda from Chicago
----

Excellent work Brenda, lets add it up Big Buck Hunter Pro style:

One Greenhorn Uberdouche, +300 points.
One minimalist Sweatbag doing the "Blue Steel," +100 points.
One Casual Hoodie on the verge of a nottabag, +25 points.
Cute Blonde and Brunette Roommates showing shoulder suckle goodness, + 200 points.

Total for Brenda = 625.

Nice shootin'! But next time, lets see some more cleavite.

One of the lesser known tales from The Brothers Grimm, "Ass Pear and Douche Head" was first discovered in a book of children's folklore written in Dusseldorf in 1846.

Here is an excerpt:

-----

"Nein!! Do not leave this house!!" said Ass Pear's Grandmother, sternly. "For if there is no order, the Nation-State will crumble into chaos!!"

But Ass Pear did not heed the warning of her stern, but sensibly cruel and forceful, Grandmother.

Instead, Ass Pear snuck off to the Wunder Club, where she met up with her best friend, Cheek Kiss.

"I hope our dereliction does not bring disorder to the ruling authority!" exclaimed Cheek Kiss nervously.

"Neither do I!" said Ass Pear. "For reckless youth leads to disorder. And disorder leads to impurities of the blood!"

But before Cheek Kiss could respond, along came Douche Head.

"Hallo!" said Douche Head, with bristling chin pubes.

"Ja?" asked Ass Pear.

"How may we help you?" Asked Cheek Kiss.

"My mandana is tight and powerful! It seduces you with its impure power!" said Douche Head proudly.

Since Ass Pear and Cheek Kiss had not followed the stern yet highly organized schedule imposed upon them by their Grandmother, they ran home quickly.

"I warned you." said Ass Pear's Grandmother, who had turned them both in to the authorities.

Both Ass Pear and Cheek Kiss were then tortured for six months, for the good of the Nation-state. But they had learned their lesson. And their blood would remain pure for the benefit of Deutschland.

The End.
----

Is the lovely flotation device enhanced hott in the middle, the legendary Hall of Hott member, The Smearkat's Anya?

All boobs point to yes.

And is Chinpube McNapkin on the right "the shit"? Or a turd log?

And I see you too, tiny Swedish Pixie Stick. I would humbly place my head betwixt your breasts and make creepy, gutteral cries like the mutant baby in Eraserhead.

It's nice to see noted character actor Mark Margolis can find time in between gigs to douche it up with some Vegas ladies.

No comment on the large lady on the left, but Cindee on the right is wholesome cuteness, and has the classiest tattoo since this one.

Gwyneth Paltrow, still lookin' relatively good. Even after marrying into the most hacktacular echo band this side of The Led Zeppelin tribute band, Stairway to Zoso, playing live through Sunday at the "Lazer Floyd" show at the Hayden Planetarium.

Coldplay is like an alien slug from Heinlein's The Puppet Masters. It slithers onto a real body and converts it into an empty shell of meaningless void. They are the group equivalent of John Mayer. Well packaged "authenticity" as rubric of achieving Suckle Thigh and cash from the tasteless masses, too blitzkreiged by iPod campaigns to smell out the difference between talented artists who produce art, and talented artists who repurpose warmed-over reductive U2 riffs.

But I digress. Back to this pic.

Rudolph Valentino looks very much alive. And he looks up ladies dresses, as they sadly pass him by.

----
Dear DB1-

This past weekend I was at a local watering hole enjoying some friendly company and looking at all the boobies.

At one point in the night I adjusted my hat. My friend across the table recoiled from me in absolute horror. He started pointing at me like I was a 17th century plague victim while screaming “Ten Degree Hat Tilt!!”

Without realizing it, I had tilted my hat. While I’m not convinced it was a full ten degrees, the tilting of the hat ruined the remainder of my evening and my quest for the hott.

My question is this; Does a hat tilt automatically signify douche, even when it’s applied unconsciously for comfort?

I’ve noticed that wearing my hat slightly tilted and propped up is very comfortable. Please help. I don’t want to wake up one day and find that I’m reaching for the Axe body spray.

-grady bagmore
----

Accidental Hat Tilt (AHT) is generally forgiven unless allowed to persist for more than twenty-three minutes straight, at which point the event horizon is crossed, and suspicions will set in that AHT is actually TDHT in irono-disguise.

At this point, full mocking of the HT is allowable, and should be encouraged, by any nearby friends, neighbors, hotts and small woodland creatures named Tigger.

At a state fair, somewhere off the interstate, Slappy leaned in with his Doc Brown sunglasses and hoped the Brunette Suckle Model and her best friend Cathy would notice his sexy tribal tatt.

They didn't.

Sexy Next Door Brunette, Kelly, knows who she's voting for in the Weekly. And she brought her Tard along to show you.

Also, Dude, Tard is not the preferred nomenclature.

Retard, please.

It was a relatively benign week last week for toxic HCwDB, but three decent finalists emerged to vie for the Weekly. Since your narrator spent much of it drunken, unshaven, and stumbling around under the Brooklyn Bridge trying to find his keys, it's a miracle he's even up in time to write today's Weekly.

But he is. And that foot is me.

Here they is:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Bandaidto

Quality Alba Hottness doesn't come along that often, so when it does, we should sacrifice a goldfish to Buddha and then flagellate ourselves with chicken feathers to honor her buttocks.

She is Latina Goodness.

He's a gangsta wannabe with a bandaid that looks like it was perfectly placed above the sunglasses-at-night to achieve a level of authentic gangsta toughness.

For that, he is to be Hello Kittied somewhere in Osaka by a gang of Yakuza.

I have nothing more to add, except that it appears someone is performing a colonoscopy on someone else on the monitor in the back.

One should really wear surgical gloves before performing a colonoscopy on TV. Otherwise it sends a bad message to the kids.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Purple Lips and Carmen

Some argue the "Gaybag Exception" applies here. Gaybag Exceptions were a concept developed on the site in 2007 to describe the fact that gay performative douchosity in presense of the hott lacks the true rage-inducing dialectics since gay/hott offers no legitimate threat of hott pollution.

I refuse to grant the G.E. in this case.

Something tells me Purple Lips knows what he's doing. The flaming hair, the douche-scarf + Rosary beads, and the table cloth shirt suggest too much clash to be authentogayery.

He is het. And as such, working the signifiers of gay subculture to achieve mass culture dominance, he is the HCwDB equivalent of the volleyball scene in Top Gun.

Carmen is delightful, even with the cheesy hair extensions. She is bashful and bronze and I would fondle her best friend's collection of vintage Cabbage Patch Dolls until she kicked me out of her house.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Spring Break 'Bag

This was taken by a reader, and it also features that prime category of 'bag of whose categorization is the site's main purpose.

So for those two reasons I decided to give Breaky and Captain Morgana their shot in the Weekly.

Do not underestimate the primal douche signifiers in this pic.

The suckle abs on the Sorority Hott. The dual hand gestures + douche-lips on the Fratchoad. Mandana. Jesus tatt.

All around a prime case of all that is douche/hott in the universe, and all that needs to be mocked.

So them's your three. Which rises to the top? And by top, I mean bottom. And by bottom, I mean ass pear.

Dishonorable mention to Kurt's Florida Tag, lacking only facial specificity to make the weekly, and the craptastic The White Shadow, which just missed the cut. Honorable mention to Hot Peeps with Peepbags, which was tasty marshmallow boobie suckle thigh goodness and fake yellow tans.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

When Samurai Scrøte plays guitar, it sounds like this:

靐靐 漢字 白話 [白话 馬 靐靐

Don't worry, Cute Little Asian Schoolgirl Being Mentally Spanked By My Id, the asbestos will be cleaned up shortly.

Yes the choad to hott ratio is radically out of balance in this pic.

But it's Saturday, and your humble narrator's cheap wine consumption as he chases indy art hotts across the East Village has knocked him off kilter. So this is the best I can come up with today.

Speaking of taint, is that Predatorbag on the far left? Get to the choppahhh!!!

The Lohan may be batshit crazy firecrotch ruin-your-credit-rating, but I would still nibble lightly on her middle toe with a touch of wasabi. But, regardless, her boyfriend is a huge douche.

Here's your Friday links:

On Ebay, steaming piles of bedazzled rhesus monkey poo can sell for over $300 bucks. Get yer bids in!

Today in Florida: Spring Breakbaggery on the Beach.

The long running and always amusing King of the Hill had an episode where Bobby douches out. Ah yes, I remember when animated shows were clever and creative. Or, as I like to term it, the years B.S.F. (Before Seth MacFarlane)

Speaking of orange, why am I not surprised to discover some of the architects of the financial meltdown are also huge douches? I give you Angelo Mozilo, former CEO of Countrywide Financial. Who, in addition to helping to destroy the entire market-based capital system, is also an orange turd.

Caddyshack's uberhott party girl, Lacy Underall, has her own website. Mmm... milfy.

It's from 2007, but this article on Preppiebags in Georgetown is pretty amusing.

Your humble narrator is now on Twitter. I'm not sure why, and it seems pointless and self indulgent. But come hear me tweet. For those who don't like hotlinks, it's @JayLouis or something.

Like Lane Meyer before you, may you successfully ski the K-12 tonight. And land your very own Monique to give you language lessons.

And then watch a claymation hamburger rock out to Van Halen.

----
DB1 -

I need your ruling on this.

I have a trip to Vegas planned with my brother, who is 8 years younger than I am. He has his heart set on going to Rehab while we're there, but I'm concerned about attaining douche status simply via patronage of that place.

Quite honestly, being 33 and married with two kids, I don't feel any desire to go other than to view ultimate douchebaggery and total bleethdom in their naive environment. So, what say you?

- the motley douche
----

Having made the perilous trip to the Heart of Doucheness myself, as detailed in my book, I can safely say that confrontation of the Source Virus of global douchescrote and hott pollutant can be participated in without permanent disability.

But be warned, TMD. The siren song will call to you, and it will be punctuated with cries of "Woooo!!" and a funky techno beat. Do not be swayed. Be strong of mind and clean of taint, and you will emerge unscathed.

Ah, to think, when I first started my ranting at a culture gone douche, lo those three years ago, little did I know how many would share my plight.

It has been my honor and privilege to provide you with daily scrotes to be mocked and hotts to be celebrated for their unearned genetic merit.

This site has provided a needed daily therapy for me to rant against a fetishized cultural spectacle gone trainwreck. And also boobies.

But there's no way I could keep this up without the regulars in the threads and the emails I get from around the world.

There are two major announcements coming for HCwDB in 2009 involving both TV and film.

However, as with the usual snail's pace, I still can't announce actual details on either. But very soon, my fellow 'bag mockers and boob appreciators, we will be taking the dialectics of the boobie/choadey to the next proverbial level.

This should be an interesting year to say the least.

Now back to your regularly scheduled pooshebags.

In Security,
Aqua Twins smell chin pube taint,
Kim wants to go home.

Wonder Twin powers
Activated a nightmare.
Need a real bouncer.

-- boatbutter

chubby douche lives strong
security is his life
day job - mickey d's

-- Bag A

A dark void black hole
Overpowers teal flowers
The universe sucks

-- IdahoHottPotato

Cross on belt buckle -
Who needs to wear a condom?
Jesus saves my wang.

-- Holbrooks Douchestershire Sauce

Douche clutches Aqua
Twin Coach Bag Force night before
Jen's rhinoplasty.

-- massengill

Larry thinks threesome
Is a possibility
Kim dreams of cheese fries

-- Yahoo Scrotius

Here's a great example of 'Bag Aura.

'Bag Aura is when the 'bags in question aren't objectively superdouchey, yet their affect in presence of hott creates a visceral nausea akin to eating rotten fruit, expired chicken, or anything they serve at Olive Garden.

This is not to say these 'bags aren't legitimately rank.

Only that their affect in presence of bouncy bikini is far worse than any hand gestures, bling or douche-face poses they offer.

The math doesn't add up, and the remainder must be explained as aura.

----
DBUno-

Been a while since I've submitted something. I was in St. Petersburg Florida at a place called shepards. Unreal. I think tattoos got you a free cover. I know you say only submit one, but take your pick. They're all kind of incogneto because I didn't want to spook them from their GDI behavior.

Regards,
-Kurt
----

Amazingly, you can tell she's hot without seeing her face, and you can tell he's a douche merely from one arm and half of his face.

Either that, or I can smell the chlamydia.

----
Hi DB1,

I just ordered your book and I am really hoping that your theory is in there about why hot chicks go for this type of men because it really is beyond my comprehension, just not my type.

And that is how I will segue into asking you to validate my theory on hot women vs hot men. Here's how it goes:

For a women to be considered hot it really isn't that difficult; there is a somewhat generic formula- the hair a certain way, the face, the body, the boobs etc...

For a man to be considered hot, its much, much different. Men are generally considered good looking only within a category. Ex, a man is hot because he has the surfer look going on or the business man look, the construction man or even the nerd look and so on. But you take that man and you put him in a different category and he loses that appeal-that surfer isnt so hot when he's in a suit and tie, etc... Which explains why there are so many more "celebrity" women that considered universally hot while men are categorized (people magazine's most beautiful people is notorious for this) and why movies like House Bunny exits-both facts acknowledge the unspoken formula and play on it.

I know you're a busy man but I think this would be an interesting topic to post on your site to see if others agree or not. If it has already been touched on or not what you are interested then no worries, fact of the matter is I'm stuck at work but lucky enough that I can drink on the job (my boss is wicked) and am a few (=many) beers in.

Thanks DB1,

- Hot but don't wanna douche.
----

Uhm. Yeah.

Since you bought the book, I will grant leeway at this entry-level query into the world of douchal spectacle, and add only that, yes, the answer is in my book. Physical looks are not a factor in the douchey/hottie dialectics. Female hottness, conversely, can also turn to Bleeth just as easily, no matter the quality of the suckle thigh.

But I appreciate your query,HBDWD, and will try not to judge you too harshly for your moniker. Since you bought the book.