HCwDB douche poet, Stackhouse, whispers stalkerish words of woo on his ex-girlfriend's Facebook wall:

----
I love you baby....miss u so much xoxox

xoxoxo miss u baby dont be sad baby bear...

i love u so much and cant wait for this weekend xoxox love u baby..merry xmas :) wish u were under my tree

stay away from D BAGS or ill run the diishwasher on pre wash and heat dry

At least u get to observe good looking people, Noxville just may be the capital for people who gave up along time ago on self worth lol. Every bar serves food and all the booths are wooden lol, they don't even know what a DJ is, I'm telling u I'm in a mini concentration camp of bad taste and no fun

Get ur irish drinking shoes on Las, ur #1 mate is ready to tell class to piss off and go crush pints with u :) Don't give me that non scense.

I thought u looked cute in all those pictures. I guess I'm only good at eating food and lifting weights lol. Have fun on the tredmill, don't get tazed Ur such a philosipher. No wonder I love u so much!
----

It's like a sonnet by Italian poet Francesco Petrarch to his object of adoration, Laura. If you removed all wit, eloquence and pathos, and replaced it with bodyspray.

Get Some Happy New Year!!

Well, actually DD just grunted. It sounded something like, groooopuhhhhgach!

But I'm sure that's what he meant. As he rubs up on happy Minnesotan Anna with a great smile.

Our winner of the 2009 Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award also wanted to remind you that, if you don't behave, he'll be forced to bust Bathroom Self-Pose Groin Shave Reveal.

(warning: In laboratory tests, BSPGSR has been shown to sterilize small woodland creatures and cause normal humans to go CHUD)

With New Years fast approaching, lets not forget that HCwDB is the place where drunk hotties get back at daddy by licking Tommy Shortbusian's nips.

Groin Shave Reveal, ambiguously Irish free verse crotch-tatt, and two hotties nip licking like a Viagra'd Ryan Seacrest at a clambake in Provincetown?

You deserve a reward for suffering through this pic. Since it's the New Year, I'm feeling generous.

Have some Pigskin Pear.

HCwDB's now legendary poet, Stackhouse, continues to inspire us with his W.H. Auden-esque grasp of the subtleties and nuances of the English language. So much so, that I'm breaking the rule of the site, and running a Hot-Chick-free pic (albeit with hot chicken).

I title this short poem, "I'm the Impactor":

----
Imagine ur at a junk yard, there is a machine there impacting cars, tossing them aside 2 never be heard from again. That's what 2night's gonna be like, I'm the impactor, crushing pussy not cars, tossing them aside & like a 82 4 cyclender mustang, will never be heard from again. Get Some
----

'Ranger Rick, who first appeared after surviving a nuclear test blast because the goggles, they did nothing, is pissed.

Outsider-art primitive poet, Stackhouse, seems to be getting all the mock this week. 'Ranger Rick does not want to Get Some. 'Ranger Rick wants consideration for Monday's HCwDB of the Week.

So here's 'Ranger Rick, mugging the zaftig but sexy Cindy with vacant simian stare and faux, but only a faded 'range tan.

And here's 'Ranger Rick creepily leading Cindy to his pull-out sofa bed.

Is it enough to topple the ascending Stackhouse in Monday's first Weekly of 2010? It's not looking likely, 'Ranger Rick. But we appreciate the douchal effort.

Why do I get the increasingly disturbing feeling that 2010 will feature a renewed resurgence of hipster douchewankery?

Although perhaps unconventional hotness, Kate's cute Reese Witherspoon pointy-chin and retro Jane Fonda in Klute hair thing is definitely bobbing my apples, however. And will carry us onward until dawn.

Because sometimes ya gotta take the Pear with the 'Bag.

Autistic savant free-verse artist, Stackhouse, provides us with another New Years poem. I've titled this one, "Some Good Old Fashion HIV Cream Pies Up Ur Ass":

-----
I'm so f*cking smart, I make smart people think their f*cking retarded

Men do not cry, men do not pout, they jack u in the f*cking jaw

Dude says let me get a jack and coke and a water. My interpretation to that: can I get a smoking hot dime piece who makes me lose my mind and a condom to f*ck her with. Lol, f*cking cowards drinking water at the bar..what's next homo's, u bringing sand to the beach?

Somthing thats been bothering me....I dont understand why prostitution is illegal. Why should prostitution be illegal? Selling's legal, f*cking's legal, why isnt selling f*cking legal? Why should it be illegal to sell somthing thats perfectly legal to give away?....just dont get it

F*ck u sprint...f*ck with my 3g like that again and ill cut ur ass. What's popin jump offs

Some dirt bag stabbed my boys brother in the head and in the chest..my man didnt even go down...next time any dumb f*cks out there try taking down a boss dude with muscles think twice...either end up gettin f*cked up, or sent to prison for some good old fashion HIV cream pies up ur ass...GET SOME

----

EDIT: Reader K writes in to point out that Stackhouse's first two sentences are actually quotes from the sequel to the Boondock Saints, All Saints Day. Way to stay hip with the indie street cred, Stacky. Get some.

The douchebag awoke before dawn... he put his bling on... he took his chin pubes from the ancient gallery and then he... pointed at some boobs!
Father?

Yes, son.

I want to wear a mesh cap over an army mandana.

Mother?.... I want to... point at boobsssss!!!

These Doors coverbands just lack that original je ne sais quoi.

Who are we to judge true love in Camden, New Jersey?

Oh. That's right. We're us.

Nice ferns.

And crotch purse.

Last week's legendary poet, Stackhouse, offers free verse over the firing of coach Bobby Bowden:

----
Getting jacked, tan, and crushing beers in Bobby's honor. Might even crush some pussy, he deserves it

im going to bed...but Bobby Bowden is more 2 me than Jesus is to u Christians, so I am glad he did work, and instead of being on a cross, I hope he is in Alabama where he want's to be counting stacks...my f*cking man....I LOVE U BOBBY, it all ends, its what they remember us by that makes us immortal. GET SOME, u f*cking rock star

Is it gay 2 want to f*ck ur self? I swear, I'm working to hard 4 these jump offs. I have whiter teeth, a better tan and a lower bmi. Ur welcome ladies
----

Because nothing impresses the Euro Art Hotts in their Bauhaus inspired Soho loft quite like looking like you just witnessed a Nevada H-Bomb test dipped in hair gel.

Perhaps this may help, 'Ranger Rick.

With New Years fast approaching, we'll hold the first 2010 HCwDB of the Week next week.

This week, updates will continue in my drunken and semi-vacationed state.

Your humble narrator is stumbling around lower Manhattan drunk on cheap wines, trying to find a bodega for HoHos at 2am after playing fourteen consecutive games of Duck Hunter. All whilst staring at East Coast educated hottie boob reveal.

Because sexy librarian hotties in bars arching eyebrows at me make the mortal coil worth enduring.

While faux-grease-haired Jesus Pecs haunt our collective psyche and rot our culture like a festering nodal polyp.

The mocking will continue in 2010. Oh yes. It will continue. For our mission statement has not yet accomplished its goal.

Meanwhile, The 2009 Douchie Awards got some nice press over at our favorite alt-weekly in the heart of Douche Mecca, Las Vegas Weekly. Captain Bringdown for the first-strike response.

While the 2009 Douchie Awards are over, let us remember the source of all things douche in 2009.

A little post-Christmas cheer from the Facebook page of "Stackhouse." I have titled this poem,"Get Some:"

----
I would f*ck that bitch right out of that grey business suit. F*cking women, they have mastered the art of making men sexually aroused in every way possible now. Soon ill be profiling them by what designer brief case they carry not purse

6 o'clock therapy appt. Me, a mirror, and a set of dumbbells. About to make my self real happy. Get Some

Getting tan, getting swole, working on the wip, than back 2 work

Is it bad that I'm looking at my forearms more than any of these whobags. I just got it going on tonight, what can I say

please don't friend request me if ur a christian and just looking to spread God's good word. I don't care that u a liar, and a closet cum gussler. I care that ur wasting my time with ur ugly face trying to be on my friend list...tighten up chub chubs, I don't play the I'm fat ugly game

f u wear a snuggie, suck my dick u pretentious low life. Put a f*cking blanket on

News flash. If u drink water at a bar u are a f*cking loser, not just a loser but a f*cking waste of siemen and ovarian lining. Step it up u f*cking doushers, or just off ur selves

love the fat dudes in 50 dollar T shirts mocking the fist pump. Go to a gym, have a girl caress ur biceps, and abs b4 u sleep with her. hit a tanning bed than come get ur mock on. It never ends, the sad part is these busted ass trash bags would get laughed out the club up north, or a strong ass beating. Must be nice ..

The minute I get out of this tanning bed' I'm fist pumping the shit out of this thursday.

Get Some
----

Gunter says Have a Douchey Merry Christmas!!

And don't forget to enjoy the Dancing Christmas Guidos.

Courtesy of HCwDB's own Mr. Scrotato Head!

Jerz Guids macking on the hotts...

Who knew Santa was an orange pimp?

And what's with the Reindeer-Cam POV shot?

Mmmm... candy cane elf hotts with ubiquitous red cups...

Somewhere in this gaggle of Barely Legals, I've carefully hidden HCwDB fan favorite fratdouche, Nub.

Look closely.

Can you find him?

Bonus points for finding The Office's John Krazinski.

DJ Jazzy Jerz has a message for all the kid who want to be like him some day.

Be cool! Studys hard! Stays in School! Yo, do I get paid extra for being all public service and shit?

Whoops, that last part was supposed to get edited out.

And, as promised, here's your Tuesday Ass Pear: Pocahontas Pear.

Pocahontas Pear heals all.

Seriously.

After I gifted you that image, you owe me your first born.

As Dr. DB noted in the Doucheclops's earlier comments thread, it was the famous greek poet Homey who first recorded this apocryphal tale of familial tragedy, religious iconography, and really douchey-ass smelling bodyspray.

That tongue just shouldn't exist in nature.

I had a whole riff on that tongue as the motivating quest for Perseus in the upcoming remake of Clash of the Titans, but its white foulness is just nauseating me.

Where's the pepto?

And you thought the Preppybag disappeared along with Andrew McCarthy's career some time in late '92.

On an unrelated note, yesterday's posting of groin shave revealing, ubergay E-Blo deserves HCwDB recourse.

Therefore, there will be a quality and rare Tuesday Ass Pear coming your way later today. It will heal all.

HCwDB is getting a bunch of new readers lately, and if you're new, I'd like to take a moment to welcome you to the hottie/douchey dialectics.

Come for the douchebags. Stay for the boobies.

You may ask: What about the people in the pics? Isn't it mean to make fun of them?

What you must realize is that the people in these pics do not exist. Once we reclaim them and tag them our own, the image ceases to be linked to its originary past and becomes a fully denatured abstraction, a hallucination that echoes the real only in the most superficial of senses.

The hottie/douchey dialectics are our spectral Rorshach test. Our deepest mirror stage, refracting the Primal Scene through the lens of the name-brand cultural capital of the mass media age.

We pluck the "image" from the ether. We recontextualize its meaning through collective participation. And, in so doing, our oppositional phantasm generates a completely new meaning devoid of the singular authorial intent of those nominally "in" the pictures we mark our own.

Over time, many linguistic short cuts have developed to describe the many permutations of choadscrote and the hotts that love them. Terms like "Bleeth" and "Scrote" may seem confusing at first. The best way to pick up the language is to either read the admittedly outdated FAQ, or to buy the HCwDB book, which has a glossary of terms in the back.

Or just keep reading.

All will become clear in due time.

The Doucheclops always gets left out of abridged versions of the required high school text, Douchelysses.

Meanwhile, Shen Chi reconsiders her decision to enroll in the Mail Order Bride program.

Even though it brought honor to her father's village in northern Xianpieu, guaranteeing an extra rice shipment per fortnight for the elders to barter with for grain, razors and shoelaces.

Hey Uter, why the long face?

Mmm... I would lightly spritz honeydew scented holy water stolen from the natural springs of Lourdes uponst Monica's soft, supple bosoms, and then weep silently into my childhood blankie until she checked her Swiss-to-English dictionary for the words for "where is the nearest taxi stand?"

Linguini Frank reminds us that musician shlurds mugging the hotts continues into the New Year.

We can relax. But we must remain vigilant.

Mary Anne Sue-Jane Smithjohnson on the right wants to spank my debutante plantation.

And who am I to argue with an aristocrat?

Old friend of HCwDB, Nub, is gettin' his Christmas chin pubes on.

No HCwDB of the Week this week. Your humble narrator is in New York, enjoying tasty pastries at Veniero's and quality pizza at Lombardi's.

However, questions from the 2009 Douchies remain.

Did the fact The Poopaloompa went home without a trophy represent the worst miscarriage in awards show history since Scorsese's Raging Bull lost the Best Director Oscar to Robert Redford for the craptastic Ordinary People?

Perhaps.

But we do have an answer for the most troubling question of all of 2009: What in the world could possibly make E-Blo brake his soulless stare and actually smile?: Why, greasing up with a bunch of dudes, of course. (warning: Pic is ubergay)

I know. Not fair to hit you with greased up smiling E-Blo so early on a Monday. Don't you fret. There's some good pics that have come in recently, and I'll be running 'em as we lead into Christmas.

What more can be said, as we crown our HCwDB couple for 2009?

Only that our voting thread was epic deconstruction, and should be studied by talmudic scholars for many years to come.

Smoot and Crystal. Cystal and Smoot.

All that is hottie/douchey and douchey/hottie about our world we live in in 2009.

The run begins, followed by pic #2, pic #3 , pic #4, pic #5, pic #6, pic #7, pic #8, pic #9, pic #10 with King D and pic #11.

A well earned prize of superdouchosity and tasty hottitude.

Well done, everyone. Except Smoot's parents.

Here are your 2009 Douchie Award Winners:

Douchiest Hair: Hairy Belafonte
Most Expensive First Date Hott: Rebecca The Loop Girl
Douchiest Tattoo: Rated "P" For Poo
Douchiest Facial Expression: The Punch-Face
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: The Incredible Yolk
Douchiest "Athlete": Jeff Reed
Hottest Librarian Hott: Dewey Hott
Douchiest Hand Gesture: The Hypothetical Gun
Jerziest Jerz: Guido Buttchinsky
Greasiest Grease Stain: A Clockwork Orange
The Ricky Award: Sammy
Sexiest Back Curve: The Barrowbag's Alana
Douchiest Imitation of Deathtongue: The Hurt Licker
Best Friday Ass Pear: Ass Pear La Plante
Best Golden Globes: Raquel
Best Golden Globes II: The Eiffel Towers
Orangest Orange: Cheeto Man
Hottest Girl Next Door Hott: Cynthia
Douchiest Home Video: Mikey Batz Frolics in the Parking Lot
Most European Eurobag: The Eurobag
Crimsonest Crimson: Crimson Ted
Most Annoying 'Bagling: Suburban Pimp
Greatest Crisis of Modernity: The Sterilizer
Douchiest Hipsterbag: The Hipsterbag
Douchiest Facial Hair: The 'Stachebagger
Douchiest New 'Bag Trend: Groin Shave Reveal
Douchiest Baguette: Lips McGee
Douchiest Hat Tilt: Bucky
Douchiest 'Bagcessory: Blackerry Bob
Smells Like Poo: Poo
Most Likely to be a Part of the HCwDB Show at the Guggenheim in 2023: "Pool Pear". Additional Art Awards to: Ass Pear in Chains, Still Life with Wheelbarrow,and FratsnHotts Playing Pool.
The Yellowtail: The Leatherbag
Celebrity HCwDB of the Year: Tiger Woods and the Nanny
Hottest Hotts of the Year: Rachelle and Clarissa

And of course...

The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award: Donkey Douche

Rather than do a 'Bag hunter and huntress of the Year, I've decided to induct a Class of 2009 of our best and brightest 'bag mockers from the comments thread. Joining the 2008 Class (Baron Von Goolo, DarkSock and the Late Pfah) will be the following:

Troy Tempest, Steve L, Wheezer, Medusa Oblongata, creature, Crucial Head, Mr. White, Archidoucheis, Mr. Biggs, Vin Douchal, Sergent Scrote Stain, boatbutter, Captain Bringdown, Whoop-di-douche, Jacques Doucheteau, massengill and Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche.

Also special 'Baghunter Pic Awards to George S. and Il Douché.

This is not to discount the many other superb 'bag hunters and huntresses, all of whom remain eligible for the 2010 induction class (with a number of promising leads already). Only that we most canonize those whose tireless commitment to mocking/lusting carries this site onward into a new decade.

Them's your 2009 Douchie Awards.

Your humble narrator, The DB1, just arrived in New York for three weeks of alcoholism, pursuing urbane New York hotties who brush by him quickly, and, of course, extensive mocking of Bridge and Tunnel Guids.

Yup. I'se is gettin' drunk already.

I was gonna do a two-hott sapphic faceoff, but ran out of time on the calendar as the 2009 Douchies wind down. So we're going with a co-award. Two winning Hotts of the Year.

Although if you'd like to vote your preference, we can do an informal vote in the thread.

Hottest Hott of the Year #1: Waxy McBrow's Rachelle

Barely beating out Josephine in a four boob race, Rachelle's curves snuck in and stole the prize.

Don't forget the run of pics with Waxy and Goose and Waxy and Co.

Curves so good, they's redonkulous. Curves so good, I just used the word "redonkulous," causing Merriam to sucker-punch Webster in the nadsack.

Justin: Rachelle is primo delicioso. Lines of coke appear magically on her thigh as if laid out by tiny Colombian/liliputians (look at the pic). Pretty, sexy, and probably a little bitchy, she is the best hott in this bracket.

HusslinHoosier: Rachelle, I want to use her mounds as a pickle polisher.

Snoop Douchey Bagg: Rachelle looks like a stripper, but with those mamms, well, goddammit I just don't care. Rachelle FTW

notadouche: Rachelle. She makes me thirsty.

Archidouchies: I'm going with Rachelle because she, unlike Minnie, doesn't go for a man with a shaven groin. So I got that going for me.

Maxim Kovalenko: Rachelle, who looks neither pre-cancerous, or too surgically enhanced, FTW. And the fact that she hasn't been proved to be a total idiot helps her cause too.

Well done, people. And since the voters required a second round of hott voting, we also have:

Hottest Hott of the Year #2: Super Baggio's Clarissa

With a three pic run, beginning in late July, then a Friday Haiku, and then 'Baggio's response (pictured here), Clarissa ran the gauntlet of high class west coast hottitude.

Barely beating out the surging (and Hall of Hott appealing) single pic'd Mariah, and with Charleez and Francine splitting the spankable blonde ticket, Clarissa explains it all.

Sergeant Scrote Stain: This is a fine grouping of semifinalists, each with their own buxom merit. But alas, I am only one man, with only one vote, and that vote goes to Clarissa. Her beauty would send me into a catatonic episode characterized by the muttering of incoherent swear words and profuse drooling if she so much as looked me in the eyes. That means she's hott. Very hott. Autism inducing hott, which is the hottest type of hott.

massengill: Can't believe I forgot about Super Baggio's Clarissa. Clarissa FTW.

toddjerad: Based on hot chick standards alone, there is no way clarissa is not the hands down winner. She's like a perfect cross between a fake boobied jessica simpson and a baby fawn drinking from the fountain of nirvana. The others are gorgeous, but there can be only one clarissa.

Skyler: Clarissa. I'm motivated by Super Baggio's almost nottadouche qualities, which makes me think all the more of her. Oh, and boobies.

Wheezer: Clarissa Extends Them All - you know what I mean by "extends." But give all the hotts a celebratory Pumpy boob grab. They all deserve such a participation trophy.

This is one of those categories where we're all winners. And by winners, I mean boobies.

Yeah, probably an obvious choice. But I like to keep the HCwDB topical around here.

At first I was gonna go with Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox. Especially since his initials spell "BAG." But then I realized that Brian Austin Green isn't a celebrity.

So I settled on Woodsbag and Elin Gutmundsdaughter.

Granted, Tiger doesn't look or act douchey. But that run of whorin' is so skankerific, especially when his wife is this hott, that they have to get the 2009 Douchie Award.

And she is Nordic glorious. Her DNA pleases Joseph Mengele and sails to Greenland in a Viking rucksack.

Of course, I probably should've given it to Criss Angel for the second year in a row. For that man sucks alpaca teat.

But this year, it's another trophy for Tiger. And, in HCwDB awards, he's leading Nicklaus 1-0.

This year's Douchie Award for the year's scrotiest Oldbag keepin' on keepin' on is named in honor of the legendary Yellowtail.

And it goes to the creepy undies poke and Sonny Bono vest wearing The Leatherbag, from October. The Leatherbag made two more disturbing appearances here and here. Yeesh. Nice undies poke, Dad.

Shriveled mention to The 70s Record Producer 'Bag and Marty Oldbag.

From April. I dub this piece, "Pool Pear." It will be centrally featured at my first major gallery show at New York's Guggenheim museum in 2023. I will be hailed as the first neopostmodern classicist. Even though I am not the first. Which is the point.

I will not sully its composition by placing a 2009 Douchie Award graphic on it, but it is our 2009 Douchie Winner.

I have carefully calibrated its composition to display elements of Ass Pear, hidden Waldouche, and existential query into the meaningless circuity of life within our fragmented post-human framework.

Other works to be included in my gallery show will include Ass Pear in Chains, Still Life with Wheelbarrow,and FratsnHotts Playing Pool.

In 2007 it was The Gator.

In 2008 it was Fish Slap.

The legend of Donkey Douche is long and inglourious on HCwDB. From his rants about HCwDB to his arrest for threats of terrorism and bribes in a courthouse, the Donkster has not only maintained an amazing ability to pull hotts, but also to grow older and more orange.

The Donkster is simian legend.

Donkey Douche has inspired musical compositions, as this one by HCwDB's own Vin Douchal ("Donkey Opus in Douche Major").

But let me not speak for the legendary Double D. As Mr. Douche wrote to us in August:

-----
U people are the nerds and drones of the earth. While some of us are livin life you people sit on your computers blogin away like wastes of lives u are. Funny thing is people are out to get me , but i will beat my troubles, you people will still be worthless. I walk by people like u everyday, but funny thing is I DO NOT NOTICE U, WHY, BECAUSE U PEOPLE ARE NOBODYS. MUST SUCK TO BE A NOBODY!!!

I did some time, and now i learned a lesson and my head is clear and i am in best shape of my life!!

Here get jealous HATERS!!

http://i396.photobucket.com/albums/pp43/darkmarc14/IMG00037.jpg

This pic was after being at beach in sun for 12 hrs and drinkin for way to long .. Guess what ....

Suck my Fkn dick !!!!!

4:58 PM
-----

To the Donkster's conciliatory tone and making peace with the HCwDB community, the Donkster has never failed to entertain.

So for that, and for his Ukranian Hott, the Donkster earns the third Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award.

Come up on stage and get it, Donk. You've earned it.

Particles of turd and a well earned 2009 Douchie Award for HCwDB bronzer legend, Poo.

Now someone please flush.

A well annoyed 2009 Douchie Award for September's Blackberry Bob.

Toss in the ginormous S/M watch, and Blackerry Bob is all that is scrotey about Wall Street assholes in the Hamptons.

Now give me five minutes with B.B.'s girlfriend's abs in a dark water closet with only a flashlight and a can of Spam to guide me.

The 2009 Douchie Award for Douchiest Hat Tilt wasn't even close.

Since the Buckster didn't make it all the way to the finals, Bucky's tiltorama wins in a tilt-o-whirl of 'bag as a consolation prize.

Because that thing is levitating on some crazy four dimensional Richard Feynman boson particle sort of muon/lepton quark.

And because I love looking at Kathy smile.

Let us not forget the award for Female Douche, aka Douchebaguette, aka The Bleeth Award, who we'll give to Lips McGee from November.

We've had other Bleeth candidates, like The Tatt Vortex, Rufus Veinwright's Jerz Bleeth, Tilt Tuesday and The Bleethy Brunette.

But kissy lips, finger gesture and a D&G bracelet? An otherwise hott hottie displays signs of terminal Bleeth infection, and wins the 2009 Douchie Award.

Also a (dis)honorable mention goes out to the YouTube of The Girl Who Makes the Same Face in Every Pic.

In 2008, it was Doggie 'Baggin'.

This year, it's the far more odious practice of shaved crotch reveal as part of 'bag posing with hott.

We've seen it with Weekly winner Robopud, Hucky Sheen, and, of course, mercifully mostly cropped out The Bagpoleon Complex.

The need for the male to now prove his metrosexual cleanliness by revealing shorn testes area through pants drop is well worth a 2009 Douchie Award.

And acid in my eyes, followed by months of therapy to make this crisis of masculinity in the age of the spectacle fade from memory as soon as possible.

Your four finalists for Hottest Hott of the Year Bracket #2 (Blonde Division):

Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #1: Super 'Baggio's Clarissa

Clarissa is tasty high class hottness, and probably should've been in the running for Most Expensive First Date Hott.

But she gets her shot for the biggest prize of hottness at the 2009 Douchie Awards instead.

Clarissa and Super Baggio first appeared in late July, only to make a subsequent Brunette appearance in a Friday Haiku.

Then Super Baggio itself made an appearance in the comments threads, meriting a third pic posting, and sounding like an okay guy. This defused much of the Pumpy-esque mock.

But we're not here to mock Baggio. We're here to vote a co-hottest-hott 2009 Douchie. And Clarissa is well deserving.

Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #2: Francine

This tasty, supple blonde is the better half of the HCwDB of the Year semifinalist coupling with Mack the Nozzle.

Yet here she gets her own shot at a Douchie Award.

Her lucious same-head-tilt pic made a huge hott splash on the site with her giggle coyness in pic 2, and on her own sans-Nozz, here, here and here.

Her smile is sweet and golden.

Her taste in douche is rank.

She walks among the nightclub uber-choads without falter.

But is it enough to win a 2009 Douchie Award?

We shall see. For there is also...

Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #3: Charleez

Who, come to think of it, looks remarkably like Francine. Weird.

Not satisfied that Charleez deserves Hott of the Year consideration?

How's about Exhibit B: Charleez in the pool.

You look at that pic and tell me we live in a godless universe.

I thought not.

Pic #2, pic #3 and pic #4 all add to the legend of The Cheez's blondie hott conquest.

Grwowowowoww....

What's that Cheez?

Mmeeeee likeeee booobiess...

So do I, Cheez.

So do I.

And your fourth contestant....

Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #4: Jake Whatupguy's Mariah

Because I'm not doing an entire blonde category, being the brunette/librarian fan that I am.

From just a few weeks ago in early December, Jake Whatupguy's Mariah made an immediate impact.

I concur in Mariah's purity of essence and sweet, wholesome smile. The regs turned her into a folkloric HCwDB hott finalist, and who is my drunk ass to disagree?

Here's Mariah's big shot in the Finals. She's an underdog.

But she's got gumption, kid.

And by gumption, I mean the smile of eternal life and the denial of death's inevitable decay.

And reallllly hott potential librarian glasses eyes.

Which earns her definite HoHo points.

Vote now.

The rest is history. Only three couplings remain. Only one can become HCwDB champion. You know what to do.

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1: Crosshair McJohnson and Leia Hott

The biggest upset of the HCwDB Finals, as Vegas had Bucky/Kathy at even odds. But the Glambaggery of this mugging led to a dominant win.

It may have been Leia and McJ's secondary and thirdary pics that won the round for hottie/douchey toxicity, here, here and here. The voters speak:

Publius Choadius Naso: Crosshair McJ FTW. Gnarly coiff, gauge earrings, guyliner, gargantuan watch, gross vibe, gangsta gestures and going waaaaaay too far in the workout room of his local Y = Semi-finalist cinch.

Rob: I gotta vote for Crosshair McJohnson, she's super hot and he's a super douche!

Vander (Bro-Nye the Science Guy) : Crosshair FTW. Crosshair is a douche in every which way, but somehow he seems to elevate his doucheness even higher. He has almost all of the douchal attributes, but somehow looks like he has even more that are to this day undiscovered. He is like the lost city of Atlanpiss. That and Leia is HOTTTTTT

Filthy McBaggin': Crosshair looks late 20's/early 30's. He's had time to learn otherwise. Instead, he's learned how to apply manscara. As far as this bag hunter is concerned, men applying make up trumps the donning of welding gloves any day of the week. So Cross Hair for the win. He's old enough to know better by now.

Mr. White: Crosshair shows us what Scott Weiland would look like if he substituted steroids for heroin. And his sultry Latina companion, by allowing him a hair pull and sneer, just seals the deal.

A dominant win for Glambaggery. Guyliner, frost tips, 'roids and 'tude, all while mugging a perfectly tasteful Princess Latina in Jedi hottie. Do not for a second doubt this coupling's ability to win the HCwDB of the Year. If our next two candidates split the vote, anything could happen.

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2: E-Blo and Britney

In the toughest of the three brackets, the mighty vacancy of the E-Blo Stare took down the potent Poopaloompa and crimsony Crimson Ted.

The run of 'blo is legend: 2, 3, 4, 5 6, 7, 8 and pic 9. The voters speak:

DoubleBock: E-BLO is the real deal and gets my vote. Poopa / Ming the Merciless will have to settle for the Orange consolation prize. Scribbles and Crimson Ted get what they deserve, nothing.

Sad Party Karaoke Robot: I have to go with E-Blo FTW. His body of work is unmatched even by Ted. He just kept bringing in douche element after douche element. Each picture in his poop-iliation represents a gesture, attribute or article of clothing that is mocked every day on this site.

Anonymous: EBLO, is it even a question? This douche has been training all his life for this moment. You do not develop such a stare because you feel like it. EBLO's stare is one of years of practice. He is that douche in Junior High who wouldnt even smile in his school picture. The guy was probably douche-practicing at twelve years old for christ sakes

JoJo Dancer: E-Blo is a souless wonder. He manages, from head to toe, to display every douche mode but he wears it like a second skin. E-Blo is not a douchebag. He is the douchebag.

Dave: Not even a contest here. E-blo is well on his way to HCwDB of the decade.

Wedgie: I gotta go with E-Blo. The thousand yard stare reminds me of my cousin when he came back to the world from the 'Nam after the Tet Offensive

Arch Douche Ferdinand: like the Highlander, there can be only one to survive this Thunderdome of douche, and it must be E-Blo. .

PhilthyPhil: Eblo, because I cant even put into words how much his run of pics bother me. I dont even need to be in his presence and I can feel the chaotic void he emits sucking the very spark of life from my soul. Eblo for the yearly imho. May satan have mercy on his soul.

Just barely beating out Crimson Ted, E-Blo and Brit have made it to the finals. But they're also up against...

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3: Smoot and Crystal

From early September, witness the epic run: Pic #2, pic #3 , pic #4, pic #5, pic #6, pic #7, pic #8, pic #9, pic #10 with King D and pic #11.

Taking their semifinals bracket with surprising ease, not even Mack the Nozz and Francine could stop the Smoot express. The voters speak:

Discrete Harm of the Doucheoisie: Gotta be Smoot. That man is a volcanic pustule on this site's visual landscape. And I'm pretty sure the Peloponnesian War was fought over less than Crystal tantalizing posterior.

KeirNotKier: Smoot is the archetype on douchebag. When I hear the term "douchebag" the image that appears in my head is that of Smoot. Smoot makes me want to show a photo of him to a philosophy professor and make them answer the immortal question "why"? And although she may be a level 4 Bleeth (she does have her tongue out in almost every picture she is in!), Crystal may be the hottest of the hott I have seen on the site.

Blair: Smoot is just so incredibly douchie. He cannot be denied. God, that guy makes me want to kill nuns.

Mitch: I voted for him back in September, and I'll do it again. Smoot is the cover guy for Scrote Magazine.

Fat, Drunk and Douchey: Smoot FTW. He may be a generic douche who doesn't do anything really special, kind of like the Packers in the '60s, but he just does it that much better than everybody else.

doucheywallnuts: Smoot hands down. He embodies authentic Hall of Fame douchnesss in this picture.

Them's your three.

Remember to think both of which douche represents all that was toxic about 'baggery in 2009, and which hott(s) counterbalances that poo with sexiness and boobies.

Vote now.

EDIT: This is the only category of the day, so take your time if you need a moment to process the uberstank and decide. Also, after voting, maybe you can help me make sense out of HCwDB's position on Wired's hip and cutting edge "LOL Blog", in which the "Hot Chicks with" ripoff sites are somehow funnier than HCwDB and "Look at this f-king Hipster" is more famous. Methinks not, Wired. But keep partying like it's 1999.

From late July, The 'Stachebagger had a number of pics, here, here and here, featuring shirtless grease and that 'stach.

Because shirtlessness and white belt while mugging the Milf Hotts in Vegas just aren't enough.

One needs to bust the upper lip pube for true effect.

From September, this smarmy tool throwing his alterna-game at the ladies reminds us that from S.F.'s Mission District to Austin, Texas, from Williamsburg, Brooklyn to suburban Seattle, from Athens, Georgia, to Silverlake, L.A., Jerz Pud isn't the only form of douche out there.

Here's to you, Hipsterbag.

Now stop drinking cheap Mexican grape soda with ironic panache. Put down the Panic at the Disco playing iTouch. Stop referencing how hilarious your road trip to Dollywood was after Coachella last year.

Great. Now I want to go to Dollywood. Stupid cheerful music.

What's clear is that the 2009 Douchie Awards are the "Year of the Orange."

From October, The Sterilizer challenges all of our suppositions regarding cultural progress through the simple act of tweased eyebrows and tongue.

Poor Carol. All she wanted was free drinks at the house party.

(Dis)honorable mention to Orangina, the bizarre everydouche Morris and I Can Haz Preposterous, all of whom cause academic philosophers to punch kittens in the nadsack.

In a voting error, the judges have disqualified The Douche Cacti for ineligibility for the 2009 Douchie Awards. Their pic is actually from 2008.

Therefore, the award now goes to the runner-up in the category, June's Suburban Pimp.

Thanks to Wheezer for the catch.

There can be only one Crimson.

The 2009 Douchie Awards continue with the category of Hottest Hott of the Year, with the biggie, the 2009 HCwDB of the Year, on tap for tomorrow.

(EDIT: Due to requests for other hott considerations, this will be Bracket 1 of 2. The second bracket will run on Wednesday)

Here's your finalists:

Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #1: Waxy McBrow's Rachelle

From early May, Rachelle's brunette curvy perfection cannot be understated, nor underdroolified.

Enjoy the curves in pics #2 and #3: Waxy and Goose and Waxy and Co.

Rachelle is too hott to be a Girl Next Door. Her smile causes pigeons to go into spontaneous molting. Her wrist tasks me to lick it uncontrollably.

Waxy McBrow is all that reeks of East Coast Douchery.

But Waxy is not up for this 2009 Douchie Award.

Rachelle, and her lively assets, are. And they are worthy indeed.

But enough to win 2009 Hottest Hott of the Year? Vegas has her at a solid 3:1. But then there's ...

Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #2: The Bagpoleon's Josephine

Appearing in early November and winning a Weekly, The Bagpoleon Complex's Josephine remains a wonder of curvaceous natural perfection.

And even though Bagpoleon wrote in to bitch, we must honor his hott with a nomination.

Josephine's second pic shows off her curves with even more aplomb.

And by aplomb, I mean aboobies.

While 'Bagpoleon displays the dreaded Groin shave Reveal (GSR) and writes in with annoying douche-mail, he is not what is in consideration here.

Instead, we ponder Josephine. And 19th Century boobie literature.

Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #3: Crabs McGee's Minnie Von Shtup

Paid to Pose?

Perhaps.

But Minnie Von Shtup's blank expression and perfect body have the angelic hymn of humpty hump.

She is the pouty 'tude of art school dropout who gets her Cosmos for free and every door held open for her for twenty years.

And then she's pissed when the gravy train slows down at 36.

But for now, Minnie is all that is golden about suckle thigh.

While Crabs McGee, like Bagpoleon, shows off his shorn testes in awful ways.

But this is about Minnie.

Can she fire up enough fantasies to both alert Freud and win the Hottest Hott category? There's one more finalist to go:

Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #4: Bucky's Kathy Hott

It was either Kathy or Charleez for the final slot, and I let personal brunette biases (and perfect smile) sway me. Although it could've gone either way.

Kathy's first party pics were here and here, and she made an immediate "Woo! Hottie" impression.

Then came her run with Bucky here, with Bucky's crazy skillz. The Pain is Real. Buckster partys. And Buckster celebratin'.

Overly tanned?

Perhaps.

Glorious in every bitable way?

Most certainly.

This is always the hardest category of the Douchie Awards to select four finalists from, as hottness is so varied and suckle thigh. And while I tried not to let my preference for brunettes who'd look great in librarian glasses bias me, I didn't quite succeed.

Hotterable mention to The Velvet Flog's Denise who almost made it into this category. Because the DB1 wants to lick her kneecaps. ScroTep's outrageously tasty hottie could've made the cut. I also wanted to include Grad School Melissa, but the plump (if highly gnawable) arm was just not enough.

So them's your four. Four enter. Only one can be Hottest Hott of the Year.

Vote now.