2008 Douchie Award Winner, The Blowfish, wants to wish everyone a very Happy New Year!!

Saggy Steven Segal wants to wish everyone a Happy New Year!

Sure, his hotts aren't the Kelly LeBrock in Weird Science quality of the 1980s. But they're still kinda sexy in an urban mom sorta way.

Especially you, Camilla, you confused little tasty Au Pair.

----
Hey Db1,

Your site - which I've been reading for years - is truly one of the best modern art forms around. It reminds us to appreciate so much of life.

The hotness, the woman, the doughy eyes and thighs, wants and needs. The regrets and pains, the "okness" of life, the ironies, the "thank f@ck i dont chuck heaps of shit in my hair".

I think deep down the douchebag is ... almost a religious being. They exist as douche so we don't have too (and deep down we all have our inner douche). The douche exists for our sins. They are like us, and they are not. They are not like us and they are.

Your site is the perfect attack on naivete, while itself being juvenile. Picasso with a search engine.

I salute you.

Rgds,

Ned
----

Best email of the week, Ned, and the perfect words to fire me up as we head into 2009. This blog, like all work that transcends into art (and this site is, ultimately, an art project), began as simply an attempt to get hotts to notice me. Thus I am DB1.

Nietzsche. Althusser. Van Gogh. Adam Smith. Richard Foreman. Henry Darger. W.E.B. Du Bois. Jonas Salk. Ron Jeremy.

Their works, like all that men accomplish, were an attempt to gain the notice of the Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh.

Especially Jonas Salk. That dude was a poon hound.

But let us not forget female accomplishment in this equation.

Georgia O'Keefe. Laurie Anderson. Ayn Rand. Emma Goldman. Maya Deren. Marie Curie. Hannah Arendt. Judith Butler. Toni Basil.

These women sought to transcend the dark douchal forces acting upon them and reach the Higher Consciousness of De-Douchification through the transcendence of art.

For within the byproduct of sexual tensions found in our understandings of self reflected in the social formations of eroticism around us, comes meaning.

Damn I'm gonna get drunk tonight.

HCwDB Legend Donkey Douche facing charges for courthouse disturbance.

----
Man facing charges makes disturbance at courthouse

Downers Grove, IL - While standing in line to enter the DuPage County Courthouse on drug charges after being arrested in Downers Grove last month, Marc Mueller caused a disturbance and told sheriff’s deputies he had a bomb in his belt.

Mueller, 29, of Palatine is scheduled to be arraigned at the DuPage County Courthouse in Wheaton at 1:30 p.m. Aug. 11.

In addition to the existing drug charges, Mueller now faces disorderly conduct and bribery charges as a result of the incident at the courthouse.

Paul Darrah, spokesman for the DuPage County State’s Attorney’s Office, said after telling police he had a bomb, he then tried to bribe them into letting him go.

“There was some discussion that he attempted to tell one of the police officers ‘I’ll give you something if you let me go,’” Darrah said.

Darrah said Mueller caused the scene when reporting to court July 17 on charges stemming from an incident in which Downers Grove police found dozens of Vicodin pills and marijuana in his possession.

Downers Grove Police Sgt. Dave Bormann said Mueller was pulled over in the village at 7:15 p.m. June 11 at Belmont Road and Chicago Avenue for making a lane violation.

Bormann said Mueller was acting suspiciously, and police asked him to step out of the car. A drug dog from the Westmont Police Department was called out to assist in the incident.

“In the center console (of Mueller’s car, police) found cannabis as well as the Vicodin,” Bormann said. Police said Mueller had 59 Vicodin pills and 29 grams of marijuana in his possession.

He was charged with possession with the intent to deliver a controlled substance and possession of marijuana.
----

It's like finding out there is no Santa Claus.

Anita writes in from Norway:

---
Hi,

'Bag Huntress Mo writes in with a 'bag tag:

-----
Dear HCWDB,

I recently went to Dallas to visit my brother and this guy hit on me at a goth/industrial dance club. His douchtastic dress and demeanor was really out of place there.

He danced in front of me to impress me "i was a professional dancer", offered a foot massage "i used to be a masseuse", got on one knee to beg for a date and finally he offered to whiten my teeth "for free" if I went on a date with him. Apparently he works for Ismile.

Well I knew he was a douchebag but I wanted to see just how big of a bag he was so I exchanged myspace info with him and not to my surprise I found some of the douchiest pictures I have yet to see. I've been visiting your site for about a year and I finally have douche worthy pictures to submit!

Thanks
MO
----

Although he doesn't look that douchey in this pic, offering to whiten a girl's teeth may be the scrotiest line I've heard in months. It certainly trumps my offer to grout their kitchen sinks and bathtubs.

What's that you say?

Not enough classic HCwDB Jerz Stool and Bleethed out Hotts on the site lately? I've been getting too esoteric and abstract in my mocking of the scrote and lusting of the boobie hottie suckle thigh?

Fine.

Here ya go.

The hotts may not be that impressive, but the bodyspray lingers like a fetid pollen cloud on deepest summer morn.

We all know that guy.

The Heterosexual Hair Stylist. The one everyone thinks is gay, just because he ties dainty scarves round his neck, but ends up hooking up with all his assistants, like Sharona here.

But what's with Vinnie and Sharona hanging in a school cafeteria basement from the late 1980s?

No Weekly Vote this week, as your humble narrator, the DB1, remains in semi-coherent and un-sober states of inebriation. And yes, the latter part of that statement was redundant. I blame the HoHos.

The Weekly will return next Monday as we gear up for a new year of 'Bag Hunting and Hott Appreciating.

In the meantime, Sprouts McGee found an Ass Pear. And looks confused.

Your humble narrator is finishing up a quiet weekend of semi-vacation in beautiful New York City.

I'll pick up the posting tomorrow, but won't be back at full speed until a week from Monday.

In the interim, I meditate on the Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh, and consider the cultural branding of eroticism as product in the age of mass stimulation.

While you perform your own HCwDB Meditations before 2009's hunting begins, here's Brothabag Trey macking on Nicole, The Tasty Sorority Hott.

Note Brothabag Trey's scrotorious underwear poke and kissy-lips. Buddha says they are Poo.

Runawaybox contributes to the growing musical sub-genre with a moderately amusing tune, albeit featuring the genius line, "because a party can never have enough dudes."

At this rate, I need to put out an HCwDB Concept Album.

Nicole writes in with a Four-Pack Jerz Scrote 'Bag Tag from her archives:

----
hi! i absolutely adore your site and felt the need to send you these pictures that i took of myself and my friend in Jersey (where else?) a few years ago.

this was the first time i was ever exposed to such douchery and i didn't know what to think. i kept asking them if they were serious. i thought the matching haircuts HAD to be a joke. i didn't understand why one person would go out in public looking this way, let alone a whole group of them.

we were so in awe over them that we invited them over to where we were staying to drink beer with us. all of our guy friends hated us for this. hahaha. as our jersey vacation went on, i soon realized that these weren't the rare species that i initially thought they were. the beaches, boardwalk, and clubs were infested with these douches. WE were the minority. i soon became sick of seeing these f@#king haircuts, but i do still enjoy these pictures.

xoxo,
nicole
----

I enjoy these pics too, Nicole. Nice 'bag tags.

Now send me the pics afterwards, when you and your friend decided to engage in a pillow fight, then rub melted marshmallow peeps on each other's shoulders while giggling and gasping breathy moans, and then deciding to take a group shower to wash each other's perspiring kneecaps fully clean.

That is what happened next, right?

Somewhere in this lineup of girl-next-door rural midwestern cutes, I've carefully hidden a skinny-ass Waldouche Orange Spitbucket of Poo.

Look closely.

Can you find him?

Yeah, this pic's got nothing to do with the post-Christmas ambiance, as we chill out the site during the pre-New-Years malaise.

But I'd still like to set his Yuletides on fire, then take Tiny BlueStripe Nurse out for gingerbread cookies, Egg Nogs, and light thigh-cheek paddlings with a large black Santa belt and a minidisc playing bootleg Tom Waits in the background.

Because nothing goes with black Santa belt butt paddlings quite like bootleg Tom Waits.

Friday Thoughts and Links on this quiet post-Christmas Friday:

A clean-shaven, pensive, Brothabag Leon celebrates his 2008 Douchie Award by gettin' down with tha Jerz Ladiez. That hair is getting creepily Milennium 'Bag on us.

Burger King is now selling bodyspray. The scent of seduction mixed with flame broiled burgers. Have it your way.

2008 Douchie Runner-Up for "Most Likely to be Part of the Guggenheim's Permanent Collection in 2023," Sundays' in the Part with Jorge's Jorge celebrates with a friend.

Awww... isn't it cute when High School seniors get all emo and porny for their prom.

Up north in Canada, they have their own issues with "Mystery"-like clubchoad asshats trying to "score the ladiez" in a show called Keys to the VIP. And by "VIP," they mean something that uses the acronym "V.I.P" but means cockgoblins.

Nub loves the barely legals. And the barely legals love Nub.

MTV douche Brody Jenner emulates the legend that is Samurai Scrote. And speaking of Samurai Scrote...

Finally, the most important link you will ever click on:

The Legend that is Samurai Scrote Infiltrates the silent raw footage off a music video shoot while Carly Hott dances (no sound)

Carly Hott first appears at :26 seconds, while S.S. rocks the pink guitar in the foreground. S.S. finally makes his full presence known 1:15-1:50.

And you say I didn't get you anything for Christmas.

aNDY writes in:

----
Subject: yOU r THE BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG!

i REALLY HAVE A HaRD TIME UNDERSTANDING YOUR "MISSION" YOUR JUST A JEALOUS LITTLE PRICK WITH A PROBLEM BECAUSE YOU CANT COMPETE!!

i THINK U NEED SOME vIAGRA AND A PENIS ENLARGEMENT....AND MAYBE SOME WALKIN-AROUND-MONEY.....YOUR "CHICKS WITH DOUCHE BAGS" iDEA WOULD BE OF SOME MERIT IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A DOUCHE BAG YOURSELF!!!

i WILL MEET YOU ANY TIME ANY PLACE AND iLL SHOW YOU HOW A REAL MAN MAKES THE SCENE YOU JERKY-BOY!!

aNDY

p.s. GET YOUR LITLE HANDS OFF YOUR TINY DICK AND PROVE YOURSELF YOU dOUCHEBAG!!!

yOU IN la...COME TO sCOTTSDALE AND ILL SHOW YOU HOW THE REAL MEN GET IT !!

la WHORES.....PLEASE!!....THEY GOT NOTHING ON sCOTTSDALE P@SSY!

mILLOINAIRS???????...WE BE HERE YOU TINY-DICK-DOUCHEBAG!!

You dont really have a clue do you??....what Are you about 14?? And you think you can get laid by calling guys with hot chicks a "duchebag"??

I would love to meet you! You have no Idea what it takes to be a real man!
----

It's like Tony Montana used to say. First you get the Viagra. Then you get the penis enlargement. THEN you get the walkin-around-money.

'Roidbags in the bar,
mug Pushup Bra Exchange Hott,
Inga: "Ja? Du Smell poo?"

Post-Christmas shopping
will see many gift returns,
though she kept saline.

-- Don't wheeze the douche!

No regs on Haiku,
Me and DWTD hang,
Enjoyin' Saline.

-- Douchebag1

Two douche moon's
Collide into heavenly stars
Is that the female "Bra"?

-- Marcos Douchebagdatis

nipple ring on left
then it’s star-way to heaven
monkeyboy confused

-- Anonymous

Way up firm and highs
Violate Natural Law
Hairless scrotes violate all

-- Baron Von Douchehausen

Creepy Swedouche Singer Gunther says "Merry Christmas!"

From all of us here at HCwDB. And by all of us, I mean me.

May none of your Santa's Elves Hotts find themselves being mugged by a Criss Angel wannabe douche twatwaffle at any of your holiday parties this holiday season.

And may Blonde Angel be wrapped in a red bow and placed by my chimney this 'eve.

And by tree, I mean my yuletide log.

And by yuletide log, I mean phallus.

And by phallus, I mean tasty chocolate HoHos.

...and outside the house,
two putzbags were Shocking,
while sandwiching Lola's boobies.

Hmm. That didn't rhyme.

Haven't seen a leather pop this annoying since the Lenny Kravitz "I want to Fly" craze of the late 1990s.

Run, Lola, run!

Yup. The DB1 is clearing out the Christmasbag pics from the pixel attic and enjoying his first tasty can of Natty Light. It tastes like pee. Bring back the PBR.

Fa la la la la, la la la, bra!

While Homeless Hawk isn't the worst we've seen, Madeline Kahn Elf definitely revs my motor in a motorboatin' sumabitch sorta way.

It's a quiet afternoon for the DB1. Most think of their families during this holiday season. But not me. I think of boobies and cheap sugar-wines.

Pimp Santa says Merry Christmas!

Because 'tis the season not be fooled by douches undercover. Underneath Pimp Santa's seasonal holiday irony is genuine scrotal taint.

But I still want to liberate Sarah Elf. With my teeth. Using only a wrench, a plastic Doctor Who "Face of Boe" action figure, and a small jar of gherkins.

Where's Peter Gallagher and Adam Brody to make ironic MySpace cracks when you need them?

I'm blowing away that last pic, Ron's Bag Tag, because the commenters were right. That was a whole lotta notta.

Instead, here's Mugs and Bugs.

I get that Mugs and Bugs like to dress up and hit the Miami party scene together. But matching glasses and identical frost tipped hair are a giant plate of poo.

Jenna and Suzie smile and laugh uncomfortably. Someone's going to have to fight off a forceful tongue kiss by the bathroom in about twenty minutes with a pleading, "C'mon!... lets get back to the dance floor! My friend is waiting for me!"

Indeed she is, Jenna.

Indeed she is.

When Tiny Annabelle entered the douche scrum, the lesser 'bags could only hover, making impotent hand gestures.

Only the Stegosaurusbag had the confidence to approach. And make the highly original "Shocker."

Won't somebody save Tiny Annabelle on this, the day before Christmas 'Eve?

And by save, I mean lick her lower calf area like an angry lemur hopped up on cough syrup.

PIC DELETED

Something tells me the new Altoids ad campaign isn't going to catch on.

Yikes.

Because nothing says "Rockin' Club" like restoring a vintage colonial house.

People of Utica, you have my sympathies. Now pass me the bar wench, with a shot of Petron.

There is poetic tragedy, and cultural metaphor rendered in subtextual thematics, when your orange tan and frost tips age in reverse.

Somewhere in this lineup of delightful top shelf quality Sorority Butt, I've carefully hidden not one, but two, generic Fratpunks.

Look closely.

Can you "Bro'" them?

This pic of Head Injury Hal is like one of those "circle the errors" in Highlights Magazine when we were kids.

I can see the hairsplosion, the hint of stomach tatt, the UDT (Unearned Dog Tags), the hipster gas station coat, the confused, long-tongued hotts, and is that an eyebrow shave?

Speaking of the genius that was Highlights Magazine, whatever happened to Goofus and Gallant?

Goofus may have been the obvious future douche, but Gallant had his own set of anal-retentive prepster 'bag issues. Both those kids were doomed to a life of dysfunction and years of therapy.

Should be a mellow week here at HCwDB, what with the holidays and all.

Since the last two weeks were the Douchie Awards, I have nice little stockpile of choad/hotts piled up in the HCwDB vault, so I'll be cleaning 'em out all week.

And by cleaning 'em out, I mean Lysoling my eyeballs until they shrivel up and prune.

So lets start it off with this curvy, confusing, oiled up mess. Is the blonde Bleethy Jerz? Absolutely. Does Ted need to help the Best Buy customers tomorrow, starting at 9am? Of course.

But tonight, they party.

From all of us here at HCwDB, Happy Hannukah!

And to Black Santa, dear God please don't poke anyone's eyes out with that thing.

While her coupling with Deathtongue didn't take the biggest prize, Quartasian Mia Sara Hott is happy to walk off with her 2008 Douchie for Hottest Hott.

And with this pic of QMSH, just submitted by an anon reader, is there any doubt left as to her merit for the award?

I would somersault through a field of rusty tacks in outer Uzbekistan dressed only in a mumu and ringlets of gardenias just for the chance to ride a full speed rickshaw through crowds of Beijing tech workers on the off-chance of seeing the 4th Cousin she never knew get shoved on a train.

The Metaphysical Hooligan may not be the most uniquely outrageous scrotewank we've featured this year. Carly Hott may not be the hottest hott. But together, they form uber-poo.

And by uber-poo, I mean the subjective mirror stage of hottie/douchey commingling that reflects all of our societal traumas back upon us.

Witness pics two and three. While Droopy and Surfer Kelly made the more outrageous singularity, Hooligan and Carly formed the most toxic HCwDB of the year.

In fact I plan to name my new fusion, ska, trip-hop, reggae, punk, Swedish-death-metal, jazz, kletzmer band The Metaphysical Hooligans. We'll be playing the local hockey rink with the influential 70s funk-Christian thrash band, I Killed a Hobo.

And besides, check out that nip ring. The Hooligan is ur-choad. And Carly Hott, in pics two and three, confirms a delightful, if artificially enhanced, innocent sweetness of boobie bouncing cacophony.

There may be controversy. Fans of Droopy made a strong case. But a winner had to emerge. And like Joey Porsche before him, The Metaphysical Hooligan has claimed the hottie/douchey crown and head-shaven immortality.

Here's a recap of your 2008 Douchie Award Winners:

Hottest Hott of the Year: Quartasian Mia Sara Hott from "Deathtongue"
Purest State of Douche-Zen: Samurai Scrote
Biggest Transformation from Douche to Kinda-Sorta Not So Bad: Bra!!
Celebrity HCwDB of the Year: Criss Angel and Assorted Hotts
Douchiest TV Show of 2008: Sunset Tan
The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award: Fish Slap
Best Golden Globes: The Hourglass from "The Beachbag and the Hour Glass"
Most Annoying 'Baglings: Mo' Cheeks
Most Expensive First Date Hott: Hamster Hott
Most Likely to be a Part of the Guggenheim's Permanent Collection in 2023: Still Life with Coors Light
Orangest Orange: Millennium 'Bag
Sexiest Librarian Glasses: Pink Popp
"The Yellowtail" aka The Oldbag: Master Blaster
Douchiest Video of the Year: B4-4's "Get Down"
Hottest 'Girl Next Door' Hott: Halo Angel
Most Innovative New Douche Maneuver:Mouth-Shirt Ab Reveal
Best Ass Pear: Ass Not What Your Country Can Do For You
Douchiest Tattoo + Facial Hair Combo: Dog
Douchiest Collective Scrotacalypse: God's Sneeze
Douchiest Human Suppository: X-Lax
Greatest Crisis of Modernity: Fung
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: DNA Dan
Most Deserving of a Trashcan to the Head: He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks
Douchiest Facebook Entry: He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks
Sweetest Smile: Sue-Ellen from "Sue-Ellen's Shiny Tool"
Douchiest MySpace Entry:Brothabag Leon
Douchiest New Accessory: The Wristdanna
Smells Like Poo: O-Prune
Douchiest Facial Hair: The Blowfish
The Ricky aka Douchiest Everybag: Pippy
Douchiest Fist of Power: Fist of Power
Douchiest Hair: Wheatstalks

2008 DOUCHIE TECHNICAL AWARDS:

'Bag Hunter of the Year (Comments Threads): DarkSock and Baron Von Goolo (tie)
'Bag Hunter of the Year (Submissions): 'Bag Lanta
'Bag Huntress of the Year (Comments Threads): Medusa Oblongata and IdahoHottPotato (tie)
'Bag Huntress of the Year (Submissions): Amanda (for the five part Doucheclowns in the Shower series in November)
Best Fan Video: "Shortboat's Cruel Summer" by Adolf Skroatler von Baggenstein
Best HCwDB Anthem: "Douchebags" by FogLizard
HCwDB Thread Mascot of the Year: Pfah and plinky (tie)

In future HCwDB news, I will be commencing a Hall of Hott, with an initial inductee class of all 2007 and 2008 Douchie Winners for Hottness, as well as ten more, to be voted on by a panel of regulars. If you would like to be on the panel and have contributed in the threads regularly, nominate yourself.

Thanks to everyone for another great Douchies. Couldn't have done it without the brilliant and hilarious comments that everyone contributes in the voting.

Your humble narrator is in New York for the holidays. It has just started snowing. The boobie hottie suckle thighs are covered in down coats and scarves. But I can still see them. And their scrote-choad boyfriends.

Whom I will continue to mock for the forseeable future.

Douchies are ending,
Nub upset, he didn't win.
Pouty Reese gets 'locked.

Frustrated with life
Nub is sick of the party
He's here for laundry

-- End the Haberdouchery

Reese Witherspoon hott,
Why must you hang with this douche?
You're Legally Bleeth.

-- boatbutter

Reese regrets her choice.
Natty, Miller cups, flag pin.
Nub constipated?

-- Douchimus Prime

Nub is not happy
Bad interview at Wendy's
She wants fries with that

-- BillDouchiest the Wild Swine

Barely edging out April, and it was thisclose, sexy Quartasian Mia Sara Hott pulls off the victory.

For perfect cat-like eyes, perky tiny nose and ridiculously sexy bod, hers is a dream we can all curl up and sleep in. And lets not forget Flirty side-butt.

Congrats on the 2008 Douchie Award, QMSH. Now drop Tonguey before you get rabies.

Samurai Scrote does not need a 2008 Douchie Award.

It needs him.

While undeniably a douche (star-tatts, facial mugs, etc.), we have to face facts here, people.

Bra!! has turned us around.

He brings joy into our lives with every happy sip he takes from yet another tasty cola beverage. His unbridled exuberance at everything from macking on tiny Latino cuties poolside to reaching the Supreme Court require us to realize two things:

1. Bra!! is a huge fratdouche.
2. The guy is kind of endearing in a clueless happy-go-lucky sort of way.

And so we give him this special 2008 Douchie for riding the long road of transformation here at HCwDB.

Has Bra!! reformed his scrotey ways? Hell no. But somewhere along the line, we started rooting for him. Enjoy your 2008 Douchie, Bra!! We know you will.

Have a Mr. Pibb.

And put on some shorts.

Barely beating out Marissa Miller and her human Ass-Pimple husband, it was the homeless scrote, Criss Angel, and assorted Hotts, for the solid victory and the 2008 Douchie. As Levon puts it:

I vote Criss Angel. He trumps these other mega-tools because he has a uber-shitty cirque du soleil show in Las Vegas. He didn't even get one star from any of the critics. NOT EVEN HALF A STAR. Both he and his show blow goats and eat cow patties.

And Anonymous:

Criss Angel...easily. Watching the muppets being raped would be more pleasant than staring at this jackass. The fact that he has a veritable army of Hotts is even more infuriating.

And SkyPork:

There is no contest here. Chrisss Angel has created, from the ether, an entirely new dimension of Douche. The scrotosity we see is only a multi-dimensional shadow cast by Crisss's true form, from a higher plane of doucheal wankism we can't even detect. Nor would we want to.

And Chris in 'Baghdad:

"Criss" Angel of course. He is no angel and does not know how to spell Chris. His whole weird go out is demonically creepy, his bling sucks, but he does nail D list sleazy celebrity hotts with regularity.

Woe is the state of the once classy area of performance magic. From Robert-Houdin to Maskelyne to Chung Ling Soo to this.

Here's your 2008 Douchie for Celebrity HC(s)wDB of the year, Crisss and assorted Hotts. Now saw yourself in half.

And while you're voting in the Yearly, the 2008 Douchie Award for Douhiest TV Show goest to E!'s Sunset Tan.

Now I haven't actually seen Sunset Tan.

In fact I'm not even convinced it's a real show. But readers report that 2007 HCwDB legend Meet Joe Douche is one of the main tanbags. And that lots of boobies abound. So lets congratulate Sunset Tan for a well earned 2008 Douchie Award.

Runners up included iconic ur-choad Mystery on VH1's The Pickup Artist, MTV's From G's to Gents, and, of course, PBS's Frontline. Stupid Frontline douches.

Last year it was the legendary leathery Britdouche, The Gator who was our first recipient of the Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award for contributions to the douchal arts in pursuit of the hott.

This year we (dis)honor none other than the legend that is Fish Slap.

For his lifetime contributions to the art of douchebaggery in the pursuit of the female, Fish Slap is more than deserving of this award. And like Clint Eastwood before him, The Slap doesn't let old age slow down his prodigious scrotal output.

Even after losing a heartbreakingly close 2007 Douchie to Joey Porsche in the finals, witness Fish Slap's resurgence in 2008 here, here, here, here, here and here.

With new tatts, girls and eyebrow shaves intermittantly appearing and disappearing, we should expect The Slap to continue to choadify the ladies for many years to come.

Congratulations to Fish Slap and the varied hotts who have crossed his fishy path. Our second recipient of the legendary Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award.

It is on. Here are your finalists for The HCwDB of the Year Douchie Award for 2008:

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1: Droopy McScrote and Surfer Kelly

Gangsta Droopage and Toned Surf Hott for the win in the semis and the first slot in our Final.

Taking down vaunted Fratbag Tighty Armani as well as poseur jerkoff Acey Douchey, the sag of the Droopster and the perfection of Surfer Kelly's toned abs were too powerful a dialectic to ignore. Doctor Douchelittle explains:

Droopy/Surfer Kelly FTW.

This bracket is practically a bye for the mammoth car smash that is the Droopster. The most extreme contrast between douche and hott ever seen.

I'd spend several hours discussing the relative merits of Tupac and Vanilla Ice with Droopy just to smell the residue of SK's aroma on his shoulder.

Well said, Doc D. With one single pic, these two could take the prize.

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2: The Metaphysical Hooligan and Carly Hott

Taking down the mighty Pepsi drinking Bra!! and freakish spectacle of Mooby Dick, the power of wrongness between The Hooligan and Carly was simply too strong. Jed the Avenger explains:

Hooligan for the bracket. I will seriously doubt the douche-recognition skills of everyone if MH isn't in the top 3 of the year. He makes me want to drop kick kittens.

And, at it's core on this site, finding that place of rage will lead us to enlightenment, Jed. Mike agrees:

The Metaphysical Hooligan is just too much, and paired up with Carly it is the most serious affront to human dignity.

Indeed. Our second power-couple of Hottie/Douchey wrongness earns its well deserved spot in the Finals. And let us not forget their "body" of work, here and here.

For those who doubt the merits of Carly Hott, those pics should satisfy the requirement.

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3: Deathtongue and Quartasian Mia Sara Hott

Our most "real world" of the finalists, Deathtongue stands in for every slimy choad you knew in college who was pulling hottness way outside of his league simply by being a, well, a huge douche. And don't forget Pic 2.

I've adjusted the contrast slightly to bring up Quartasian Mia Sara Hott's sparkling eyes and also Deathtongue's ridiculous blowout hair. Skyler explains the power of this combo:

Deathtongue. You need a hott to balance out the HCWDB. He's got the hott. He's got the douche. He's the real deal.

And Douchewater Blonde explains the reaction that Deathtongue inspires:

Deathtongue! His hott is so totally hott, and DT himself dares, DARES to infect her goodness with his salivary sandpaper. I wanna shake this guy by the tightly held neck until he finally gets it.

He may never get it, D. Blonde.

I don't need to rehash the rest. This is the Finals. This is it.

You people are prepared. Prepped.

You've studied the candidates. Now make your choice. Which coupling most embodies all that this site stands for? Which coupling holds the greatest dichotomy between confused masculinity in the age of spectacle and innocent hott seduced by its wily, scrotey and poo-smelly wrongness?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

With eight Golden Globes to celebrate and bask in golden plump glow, the voting pretty much broke down into a four way pick 'em of equal opportunity celebration.

But the power of The Hourglass was too unbelievable to deny.

Four Points was a close second, and by close second, I mean large succulent flesh mounds of dancing marshmallow sunshine that I would slide down into a candy corn rainbow and nuzzle in their soft, soothing warmth, whilst I drifted off to sleep for a fortnight.

But the thighs/boob ratio of the overly tanned Hourglass transcends mere mortality and hints at ubermensch ascendancy. And if that's not a well earned 2008 Douchie Award, then I don't know what is.

And... boobies.

'Baglings are not yet fully formed douchescrotes.

As such they are still caught in that almost but not quite fully infectious stage. And by full infectious, I mean these two putz-rackets. They have rickets of the face.

From April, Mo' Cheeks don't enrage, they simply need to get back to the Caddy Shack and pick up that wrapper.

(Dis)honorable mention to our other 'Bagling finalists, including The Bagling Hunters, The Cheeks, The Chippendales wannabe from the May 30th Friday Haiku and the creepy euro Children of the Corn in The Guidics.

The everpresent anonymous unleashes his past traumas in the comments thread:

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Hamster Hott. She’s what all these fellas have said, she’s hot, and she knows it. She drives a better car than you. But she has crappy expensive tastes, Yamashiro, Ketchup, etc. And you just got a new job so you figure, hell, might as well show this girl the real good shit, even if I have to pay for 22-dollar drinks. You take her to Osteria Mozza and you’ll need reconstructive ass surgery after that bill, but she’s impressed.

Now that you’ve impressed her, you think you can relax, so you take her ice skating to see the skyline downtown. $20 bucks max you figure. She’s surprised at how cool it was, especially since they didn’t have bottle service, like they do everywhere she goes. But the night is young and she sees a restaurant she’s never been to, because naturally it’s not in Hollywood. So you go in and the place looks expensive, your ass quivers. The bill comes, you cry inside, but you pay. And right before you leave, she decides she wants some water to go. Voss you say? Nah, not at this joint. They only carry “Finé”, that’s Japanese for, expensive ass water. It’s like she’s slapping you in the face for trying to go cheap on her.

But the piece de resistance: Lion King Tickets. You wanted to impress her, now you find that the prices are outrageous. You bite the bullet and go in, plus drinks, parking and all that other crap. Good thing she’s super hot you think, and she smells so nice, then the way she moans when you hold her from the back and push her against the wall. Then you kiss her neck from the back. I would die to hear those moans again.

Now, when you bang anything less than an 8.5, you are almost disgusted with yourself. You had that 9.5, but you couldn’t afford her, even with your new job. *yells our her name*

True story.
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The pain only a haunted image like that of Hamster Hott can invoke. Congrats on a well deserved 2008 Douchie Award.

Not since the late, great Diane Arbus's Child with Toy Hand Grenade in Central Park, has a picture captured the echo of the performative rupture at work beneath the ritualized norms at the fringe of cultural decay.

With a dash of DIY punk by way of Arbus's couples portraiture, Still Life with Coors Light speaks to negative space, disjuncture, gender identities, spectrality, haunting, loss and mediocre light beer. As such, it deserves our 2008 Douchie for Most Likely to be a Part of the Guggenheim's Permanent Collection in 2023.

And since we live in the age where the author is dead and images function as pastiche open to reclamation and reinscription, I will be credited as the artist.

Since Still Life with Coors Light is art destined for greatness, I will not cover it with an official 2008 Douchie logo. Just as I wouldn't puke blue on a Picasso.

Honorable mention to the other great works of art we've featured this year, including our runner up in this category, Sundays in the Park with Jorge.

ufo destroyers sums it up in the comments thread:

This is one in which the HOS-er wins going away. Too bad he won't go away. Millennium 'Bag. End of story. The new Cylon has been born.

With so many deserving Orangemen in the contest, it was tough.

Night Oranger put up a valiant fight, almost pulling off the shocking upset. But M.B. was too crimson, and his Antwerp Innocent Cutie too confused, not to pull out the victory and win the 2008 Douchie for Orangest Orange.

Voting is now open for the 2008 Douchie Award for Celebrity HCwDB of the Year:

Celebrity HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1: Marissa Miller and Ass Pimple

The fact that sports illustrated swimsuit model and all-around teeth melting cutie Marissa Miller has chosen not just to cohabitate, but to marry a human ass pimple, has been a plague on our culture all year.

Witness the progression, here, here, here, here and here.

The fact that rectus-hair here actually tattooed Marissa Miller's face on his arm makes him even more the douchey hangers-on type that Hollywood has crawling all over it.

I want to spray Raid in his face.

Then lick her upper thigh area like a hyper-stimulated orangutan in an illegal experiment involving radiation that Matthrew Broderick is desperately trying to stop.


Celebrity HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2: Spencer and Heidi from MTV's "The Hills"

I haven't featured a lot of pics of these two on the site because calling them a classic 'Bag/'Baguette hottie/douchey coupling would be like observing that ebola is a virus.

Spencer has that classically generic, ethereal 'bagdom.

Not really sporting annoying tatts, no bling nor outrageous hair (although definite douche-scruff), Spencer's poo comes from within like a shining E.T. heartlight.

Where's Neil Diamond to sing when you need him?

Heidi's got fake boobs and fake everything, but I'd still crawl through a pile of angry fire ants just for the chance to shake the finger of the plastic hand that broke off her childhood Barbie.

Hmm. That fantasy is kinda creepy.

Celebrity HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3: Criss "Poo Face" Angel and Assorted Hotts

Not since the great amateur magician Dr. Hooker fooled Houdini with his "Rising Cards" has a magician bedazzled a viewing audience with his ability to do the impossible.

And by impossible, I mean date anyone other than a lobotized farm animal.

This means you, Criss "Poo Face" Angel.

Witness the magical run of squatitude that began in January and continued here, here, here, here, here and here.

I'm not sure when prestidigitation got this pooey. Just saw the lady in half and link the rings, Crissy.

No need to turn yourself into a homeless half-crazed glue sniffing crack addict with rickets.

Celebrity HCwDB of the Year Finalist #4: The Portman and the Yeti

Because anyone who wears ironic "Cats" t-shirts in foreign languages needs to be gang-raped by a prison gang from Catmandu.

Natalie's Semitic pixie hottness has long revved my motor like a clean burning Mr. Fusion installed by Doc Brown.

Portman smells like lilacs and we'd lie in bed playing with a feather duster and lightly discuss the genius of Tom Baker's Doctor Who while sleeping in on a Sunday.

Since broken up, the Portman and the Yeti still haunt my subconscious like a Lacan mirror stage schism between self and Otherness.

Beginning in April and continuing all summer here and here, even the subsequent breakup does not console me.

For Portman must don librarian glasses and yell at me for returning my books late. And I'd pay the fine.

So them's your four. (Dis)honorable mention to Elisha Cuthbert and the newly unemployed Sean Avery, and also to Mayerbag and Aniston, whom I left off because while Mayerbag is my arch enemy, Aniston just isn't that hot these days. Hate to say it, but you know I'm right.

Which coupling deserves to win the 2008 Douchie?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

In a controversial decision sure to resonate at the Douchies, Pink Popp edges out I Say, Old Chap to take the 2008 Douchie for Sexiest Librarian Glasses. From October the sexy cuddle was just too infuriating for the judges to ignore.

Although neither compare to 2007's Douchie Winner in this category, Scrotey Opie's Hott. Yegowza. She is divine.

Honorable mention to Ping Pong Kong and the obviously and less than originally titled Mmmm... Librarian Glasses.