Sunday, January 31, 2010
Diff'rent Scrotes
Friday, January 29, 2010
Friday Thoughts and Links
If you're coming to HCwDB for the first time via The Onion, welcome to HCwDB! Come for the douchebags. Stay for the boobies.
On this Friday, your humble narrator heads for a weekend of "research" in Vegas. And by research, I mean strippers, alcohol and tasty Hostess dessert and snack treat products.
If you'd like to follow my adventures in the Heart of Doucheness this weekend, I'll try to update the site, or follow me on Twitter.
Here's your Friday links:
MTV is running an "Is She Really Going Out With Him?" marathon on Saturday including new eps. Check out the only official HCwDB show, one created and exec produced by your humble narrator, the DB1.
France discovers the fun of the word "douche,", in its reconfigured form, of course. The slippage of the signifier goes transnational and multilingual.
Hot Taylors with Meyerbags.
Of all the films of 2009, perhaps no sequence is more evocative, strange, hallucinogenic pop pastiche art than the opening credits of Watchmen. Say what you will about the film, but the simple clash of reimagined historical iconography and stylized expression in that sequence is genius.
My tiny brunette librarian Semitic hottness obsession has moved from Mila Kunis to former Olypmic figure skater Sasha Cohen. Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh Perfection.
Speaking of little hotties.
And speaking of ice skating: Hockeybags.
Bill Gates Fist Pumps the Sh*t out of Sundance.
How do you get a tomato stain out of a Persian rug? Ask Manson! The Ben Stiller Show never got its due as the game-changing sketch comedy show that it was.
And, since it's Friday, here's your reward for another successful week of 'bag mocking and hottie lusting: Yellow Pear.
Them's some bitable glutes.
Sticks McHead
Look Kelsey, we get that you want to get back at the suburban life your parents imposed upon you by hooking up with an alterna-emo local band guitarist.
But look at Sticks. His eyes betray the faltering commitment to his lifestyle.
Get out, Kelsey, while you still can!
In five years, Sticks'll be selling Saturns and you'll be taking night classes in "Assets Management and Accounting" from a guy wearing a plaid tie.
Reader Mail: Euro Tagging
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DB1,
Me and my girlfriend--avid readers of your site and proud owners of your book--decided to spend the Christmas break in Spain.
As we are all aware, the Grieco virus has extended extensively into Europe. Therefore, bag' hunting was an active part of the trip. We were surprised to notice that Yankees over sized jackets and tilted hats have made their way into Madrid (along with KFC and Pizza Hut).
However, a terrible disagreement on the level of douchebaggery of an individual emerged, and I was hoping you could help me out. We were on the metro and he was very close, so taking a picture was out of order. But open your mind and imagine this: A fake-tanned guy, with more product in his hair than it should be legally allowed, purple jeans, white shirt, purple jean jacket, and--get ready--walking around with 2 little speakers in his pockets. Now, these speakers were plugged into his Ipod and were playing some sort of Euro-techno.
I spotted him first, and immediately tagged him as an enormous douchebag. However, she disagreed and even argued a not-a-douche pass wasn't out of the question.
We've been together for quite some time now, DB1, but I must ask for your guidance.
Is this the end?
Thanks,
The Canadian Bag' Hunter.
----
Since you did not include a pic of your tag, TCBH, it's hard to say. However, female 'bag hunters can often struggle with bag tagging in the wild, as the subtle forces of cultural imprint are designed to ensnare them by the multiple branded signifiers that a douchebag displays.
Since douchebaggery is utilized by the market system to both a) cause the male to buy endless (and ever shifting) overpriced validation of his sexual worth in the form of name-brand items, body products, etc., and b) the female to recognize these items as premium cultural capital signifiers of merit, and therefore coitus, some females will struggle with a full 'tag when confronted directly by choad spectacle.
The short answer? Dump her ass.
Friday Haiku
Captain Bronze and bro,
Lil' Sis may not be legal,
Not even at sea.
Captain my Captain!
The trip done,the douche prize won
And Walt Whitman weeps
-- Franklin DealorNoDoucheifelt
Captain Ramius:
"I present to you my ship,
The Pink Coccktober."
- Mr. White
Somali Pirates
Open franchise on Lake Mead
Business is not good
- Mr. Scrotato Head
Pinky and the bag
Bleethling is not part of group
Finger points to why
- E-blo's last thought
Crew of the US
Navy's maiden voyage on
USS Rainbow
-- Bagnonymous
Yarrrr! Avast, ye twink!
Grab yon naval jelly and
Shiver me timber!
- DarkSock
If Cap'n got bronze
Doesn't set the bar real high
For silver and gold
- Bob
Thursday, January 28, 2010
The Quizzical Hemorrhoid and Princess Lickmah
I can smell the Eurodouche fruity colognes, sharp accent, lack of showering and general attitude through my monitor, Quiz Roid.
Next thing, you'll tell me you make the same stupid douche-face in every pic you take with a hott.
And that would just be wrong.
I'm talking Belgium wrong.
Stupid Brussels. Just give in and accept you're part of France, already.
Mopey the Beanstalk
I'd almost consider a nottadouche and instead a "Conquistador San Salvadoran Pirate" classification, Mopey.
But then you had to go with the gypsy moth upper lip thing. And that makes you 'bag.
I see each of you Kappa Kappa Woo girls. Lanny, Muffy and Sue. And I highly respect each of you for majoring in Physical Therapy.
And, as appreciation for your beautiful minds and endless repetition of the word "like," I would lightly touch your thighs with an ostrich feather after you passed out on my couch at 2am.
Ask DB1: The word "Lifestyle"
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Dear DB1,
Does the word "Lifestyle" automatically make something douchie?
It just seems that lately when 'bags write in they talk about how we basement virgins are just jealous of there "lifestyle". Now the 'bag 30K millionaire lifestyle is definitely not something I want to condone, but is it possible to extend my drinking tons of great inexpensive wine from around the world and cooking great food into a "lifestyle"? Does having a "lifestyle" make me a douche?
- Sad Party Karaoke Robot
----
The following terms are auto-douche:
"Lifestyle"
"Livin' the Dream"
"Haters"
"Hatters"
"Poppin' Bottles"
"Get Some"
See Spot Cry For the God That Isn't!
Cry for the God that isn't, Spot! Cry for the God that isn't!
Sun Sandra and the Stringbean
Sun Sandra is shiny peach googley happy dance perfection.
She is a glorious specimen of the Sun God Ra's immortal kaleidoscopic boobie hottie causing weeping angels to weep harder, and soft pleather armchairs to be groped awkwardly. By me.
Insects explode with life giving force from the presence of her misty, danty breath as she wonders if her modeling career will really take off, or if that guy at the bar was lying to her.
Stringbean sucks but who cares. Nice socks.
Sandra.
Curves of nectarine honeyberry lemonsuckle rosewater.
She makes the knowledge of impending mortality bearable for an instant. Or three.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
The DB1 Heads to Vegas...
The Heart of Doucheness...
That's right. This weekend, your humble narrator journeys undercover back to the land of glittery palaces of narcissistic scrotundae hitting on young hott suckle thighs while rubbing their abs for the camera.
Tasty Hostess products will be consumed. Bottles of Night Train will be drank.
My first trip since beginning work on my book three years ago.
I will seek evidence of new signs of party douche who deserve mock, while doing my best to liberate the boobie hotties who know not for whom they suckle.
Perhaps for a sequel?
In fact, eagle-eyed reader A.R. already captured a pic of my car.
Wish me luck...
If I don't make it back, carry on the fight between good and hair grease in service of hottie suckle without me.
Ask DB1: Is DB1 the Antichrist?
----
All Right, DB1. I think this needs to be said.
I am a long time fan of the website and consider myself to be a committed and battle tested Bag Hunter. But I do have something I must say.
You sir, are the Antichrist, the bringer of the end of days. Let me explain.
I was listening to the radio this morning on my commute to my job, (that helps me "better my lifestyle"); a place where I am allotted some spare time to occasionally browse your site and sneer and mock the shameless douchebags and uberscrote.
They were talking about Jersey Shore, a show certainly inspired by you and your crusade. Apparently Snookie (snooky, whoever this bimbo is) is making an appearance at some club that at the proud Bostonian ooze likes to haunt. She is receiving no less than $10,000 for this appearance. It is for this, and many other observations that I make the above accusation.
They were talking about Jersey Shore, a show certainly inspired by you and your crusade. Apparently Snookie (snooky, whoever this bimbo is) is making an appearance at some club that at the proud Bostonian ooze likes to haunt. She is receiving no less than $10,000 for this appearance. It is for this, and many other observations that I make the above accusation.
But rather than take up arms in the war against Ed Hardy and Kissy face, you've made war criminals such as Joey Porche and Smoot into heroes; people who are revered. They become celebrities and receive outrageous compensation which only reinforces their destructive behavior. We mock them from our computers, yes. But they've taken over every public watering hole in America. Their shiny foreheads and orange "guns" leave greasy territorial marks on all things hot, leaving only the fatties from Stackhouse's great poetic works for the rest of us to cozy up to. These poor, misguided beauties, with their deliciously bouncy boobies are being systematically assimilated into the emerging evil empire.
The doucepocalypse is coming, DB1. I fear you've awoken a sleeping Ed Hardy tiger. It will soon leap from its perch atop a tilted trucker hat and overwhelm us all.
- Courtney
----
Firstly, the Scrotocalypse was coming either way. Secondly, my show, Is She Really Going Out With Him? certainly does not celebrate the douche the way Jersey Shore does. Just listen to ESPN's castrated pseudo-populist, Bill Simmons, slobber over how great they are. Zero critical skills at work.
But I can certainly see your perspective, Courtney. We have helped bring the douche subculture to mainstream light. Unfortunately, not enough people are engaging the power of mock.
However, I would argue that part of every diagnosis first involves bringing the disease to light. Society is in the early stages of douchal purge. We still may slip, and much mocking remains to be done. But the process of discovery is at least underway.
----
Firstly, the Scrotocalypse was coming either way. Secondly, my show, Is She Really Going Out With Him? certainly does not celebrate the douche the way Jersey Shore does. Just listen to ESPN's castrated pseudo-populist, Bill Simmons, slobber over how great they are. Zero critical skills at work.
But I can certainly see your perspective, Courtney. We have helped bring the douche subculture to mainstream light. Unfortunately, not enough people are engaging the power of mock.
However, I would argue that part of every diagnosis first involves bringing the disease to light. Society is in the early stages of douchal purge. We still may slip, and much mocking remains to be done. But the process of discovery is at least underway.
Yellow Lips
You'd like to think this is dressup, or Halloween, or ironic.
You'd like to think that, because the cognitive mind attempts to process the raw data of our senses into coherent narratives.
You'd like to think it's fake. But you'd be wrong.
Because the synapses cannot process Yellow Lips mugging Sophomore Karen.
Melinda Graduates from the University of Pudwackia
And not a moment too soon, Melinda.
Six more credits and you would've Minored in "Broken Down Chevy on the Lawn."
Alice in Choaderland
I really expected more from Tim Burton, to be honest.
EDIT: From the comments thread:
massengill: Iggy Pop as Tom Petty as Willy Wonka in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, directed by M. Night Shyamalan.
boatbutter: Looks like Tom Pettybag sucked all the chrome off the Robert Patrickbag.
Sergeant Scrote Stain: I see that the Krypt Keeper has made it out to party. Maybe he's going to scare these douches straight with his trademarked, "Tales from the Krabs."
Douche Bigalow: If this pic was a scratch'n sniff, the accompanying aroma would be called "pan seared fistula".
creature: here we have the Douche of Hearts, Alice (I wanna stab her in her heart with my flesh saber) the Mad Hater, & Mumbles, the toothless Cheshire cat
That's some fine early work for a Wednesday, fellow 'bag mockers.
HCwDB of the Week: Gonzi and Mandy
On the strength of pink Ed Hardpocalypse with not two but three distinctly hott hotts, Gonzi the Terrorist Ed Hardy Douche Muppet and Pepperidge Farm Mandy, take the prize.
The voters speak:
Douche Cassidy and the Baggling Kid: Gonzi is hands down, the winner here. His authentic douchey aroma permeates the room with each subsequent photo. Big gay Al sunglasses (indoors) a wild west bandito mandana, Ed Hardy t-shirt collection and hat tilt make him a pure douch cast from the original mold. And Mandy... Oh Mandy. Well you came and you gave without taking but I sent you away, oh Mandy. Gonzi and Many FTW.
Spiny Norman: Jules: Nobody's gonna hurt anybody. We're gonna be like three little Gonzis here. And what's Gonzi like? Come on Mandy, what's Gonzi like? Mandy: Choad? Jules: What? Mandy: He's a choad. Jules: Correctamundo. Gonzi, FTW.
I R A Darth Aggie: Gonzi the Terrorist FTW. And by win I mean strap a suicide belt on him, and let him self-detonate in the desert while I read Shakespeare to Mandy in the original Klingon, and rub shea butter onto her skin.
AV: It's going to have to be Gonzi. For his abundant and well documented contributions to skeezery. I think he heisted those shades (and the ones in pics two and three) from the retirement community where he works - Del Boca Vista. That, and I would swallow a handfull of rusty tacs and wash them down with antifreeze just for the chance to drool on Mandy's shoulder for 17 seconds.
condouchious say...: gonzi! for he is the answer to the question "what if ed hardy focused on the ewok demographic?" and mandy...not only are you a cutie but you came and you gave without taking. how often do i get to make a return of the jedi and barry manilow reference in one post?
Bagnonymous: It's as if The Muppets' Gonzo has been shot from his cannon into a pile of Ed Hardy/Christian Audigier close-outs. And what's he do? Splashes on some Axe to cover up the gunpowder smell, and offers to buy Janice a Rockst☆r and Coke.
Stitchgroover: Gonzi for the win. He reminds of that little creature thing that hung around Simon Pegg is the Star Trek movie, the guy with the little shiny eye stalks. Look into Gonzi's eyes, under the sunnies, I swear he has the same eye stalks.
C-Lurker: Gonzi looks like something straight out of a late 70s early 80s Saturday morning cartoon show, a failed cartoon show but still...
Douche Springsteen: I'm going with Gonzi here. As much as the double date rape assault of Chad & Todd offends the senses, especially while juxtaposed against a lithe minx like Sheena, the fact that Gonzi has no regard for color schemes and takes his "fashion" cues from that wretched LMFAO "band" that the kids like so much but then refuses to smile in the presence of pure-as-the-driven-snow suckle thigh earns him the weekly and will most likely be the only real competition for Stackhouse. Sorry for the long sentence there, I've been reading Faulkner lately.
TheReverendDoom: Gonzi is the wackiest DB here and Mandy is a cute cutie. Gonzi for the win or loss depending on who's perspective you're looking from.
pv1: Gonzi and Mandy just for the fact that being HCwDB of the Week will cost her dad his Country Club privileges...
Bob: I would make out with an irritable llama with a nasty sinus condition for the chance to hand wash her delicates for a week without pay in a combination of distilled water, gentle laundry soap, and my sobbing tears because I'd know that's as close to that kind of hottitude that I'll ever get.
Guns n Douches: Gonzi takes it by a length this week. Two out of three of his ladies are certainly hotts, as my thermometer went up a few degrees. However, his douchcessories: Ed Hardy T-Shirts, asshole glasses, mandanna, and... holy christ in a chariot driven sidecar PINK MOTHERF*CKING BASEBALL CAP. He may only be the court-jester when we take it to the monthly, but he's goth this week locked up. As for mandy, I'd like to see if the carpet matches the drapes... though I'd be hoping for hardwood floors.
Strongly dissected by the 'bag hunters, as always, and I agree that pink baseball caps and Ed Hardy are an auto uberdouche stamp right off the bat. A solid win for the terrorist muppet and his international house of hottcakes. Coming in second, the real world wankscrotery of Todd, Chad and Sheena, aka Asswipes and a Hott in a Limo:
boatbutter: Todd. For his blase attitude towards Sophia Lauren's granddaughter.
Bag Diesel: I didn't know Hyundai was in the limo market. To see the lovely Sheena with these two brings on feelings of nausea usually reserved for post-tequila mornings. However, something in her eye brings me hope. The sly smile gracing that luscious mouth is almost speaking to the camera, "I can't believe I'm in here with these two." A silent joke between Sheena, the cameraman, and the rest of the world. Only these two obliviates are not privy to the humor. As a final insult, her left hand answers the question: "Who many douchebags are in the back seat of this car?" Asswipes and a Hott in a Limo, FTW.
And in a surprising third place, the Orange robo-dressup of Dr. Orangelove, whose creepy visage and slutty hott failed to stir the masses into verbose response:
Motherscratcher: Dr Orangelove in a close call with Gonzi. (although I'm certain I would hate Chad and Todd the most if I net them). Dr Orangelove just has that "come here and try my fluoridated bottled water" look to him.
scrotum pole: I don't like Dr. Orangelove. He should be placed atop a tall building during a violent lightning storm. Then, the highly conductive nature of aluminium, and Mother Nature's wrath can take it's course. I would comfort and grope Belly-dancer Patricia, while we watched the spectacle take place before us.
Indeed, Patricia is pure spectacle goodness, SP. But lets turn it over to Captain Bringdown to take us home and to next week's Monthly:
Thanks to Gonzi you can throw a fan belt over Malcolm X's ankles and power a small city. Elijah Muhammad just shook his head and told the UFO pilots to find another planet. Rosa Parks took a look at Gonzi and said "F*ck it, I'll walk."
Mandy is glowing with that delicious naivete of youth; you could negotiate a ride on the pooper-coaster for a few shots and an offer to do her homework for the semester. In ten years, it'll cost a new SUV.
Gonzi and Mandy definitely FTW.
Expertly taken down by all this week. But what will next week bring? Can Gonzi take down a brilliant douche poet? I'mma get some Corn Pops and mull this over.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Eye Browbot
Certain vestigial traits found on humans actually argue against the process of Darwinian natural selection and the theory of evolution.
Instead, they suggest an intelligent design at work. By a God.
That's laughing his ass off. At this dude's eyebrow.
Oh firm Karen. How I would nuzzle lightly upon your upper breasteses like a caribou searching for freshwater salmon. You could bench press me like a wet pretzel. And I would thank you for it. And pay you in coin, flask and mead.
The Reason the Global Economy Collapsed
Ask DB1: Is Howard Stern a Douche?
----Db1-
Is Howard Stern a douchebag? And if so, is he like immediately "Hall Of Scrote" material for not just being a proto-douche but by virtue of having so much influence on the airwaves, he’s spreading/spread in his heyday the Grieco Virus faster than the Motoba virus made the corner of Kevin Spacey’s eye all messed up and bloody in Outbreak?
Or, does he get Rockstar exception for being a celeb/ “dj”/”celeb dj”?
Now, my curiosity here would also include this: you’ve been pretty un-relenting in calling most, if not all dj’s, douchebags, but these are typically club dj’s who one actually sees in person and thus has an in-person douche aura. Does a radio dj count? If someone acts like a douchebag in the privacy of their own home and no one sees it, does it count as performative douche-baggery?
(a poor allusion to the “If a tree falls and no one hears it does it make a sound?” ) If a guido pumps his fist to techno but is wearing headphones, is he just waking his arm that fell asleep?
- MG
----
Stern was a comedic game-changer back in the day, so there are automatically points granted for talent and vision. That being said, there are undeniable signs of narcissistic douchebaggery occurring throughout Stern's career. Even his ironic self deprecation doesn't fully mitigate these factors.
Trading in his wife to chase hot ass. The nose job. General narcissism and poppin' bottles with rock-stars after his divorce. That whole 90s Carmen Electra / Pam Anderson partying in the VIP with Rodman period.
So even though he's a guy I've admired and laughed with over the years, I gotta call Stern a stage-2 douche, with some mitigating factor for talent and humor.
However, the biggest douche on radio (outside of Limbaugh) has to be Chicago's odious unfunny dancing clown, Mancow. My two appearances on that show were utter wastes of time and confusion. Now there's a herp sore on society's genitalia.
Stackhouse the Poet is a Real, Genuine Pussy Crushin Human Being with Tits in His Mouth
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In order 2 dispel any & all rumors 2 the redundant. Lards of obese celullite who post on HCwDB's. Yes, Im a real, genuine, pussy crushin human being. There is nothin fake about me besides the tits that are usually in my mouth. I can't help it that I like rich skanks, big watches, hair glue,& all the luxuries of life th...at desirable individuals are in2. So yes I'm real, & yes u can go back to ur 9-5 now. Get Some
----
Herp Albert
Because nothing impresses sultry barely legal Sophie quite like selling the pec real estate and busting guyliner and "Opie" hair.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Reader Mail: Dicy's Tag
HCwDB 'Bag Huntress Dicy writes in with a tag from Athens, Georgia:
----
Dearest DB1,
My goal of finding a quality Athens 'bag to take a picture with me for mocking purposes was achieved quite easily.
When he got close enough, I approached cautiously, for I have heard the tales of grope-age from a 'bag and did not wish to become a victim myself. I told him "oMg LiKe YoU aRe So CuTe!!1!" My friend (sadly not pictured, she was the photographer) said "Those are some sweet shades!!" To which he replied "Thanks" in that cocky voice that said, "Yeah I heard that all the time from bitches."
-Dicy
----
Good work, Dicy. Now spray Lysol, stat.
Jackson Poollock
Artbags, like Hipsterbags, may try to class it up with the monochrome ties, but the chin fung gives them away every time.
Oh Ginger Red Hot Mama Diana. Your complaints about how your first husband is late on his alimony payments would fire up our loins. You're shopping for a new sugar daddy, and I respect that about you.
Well, no I don't, but you wear low cut dresses. So I appreciate the cleavite reveal.
Aqua Flush
If only the strange blue aqua robots would fight their servantile programming and kill everyone on board, we might have a viable screenplay here.
Ben Neckfolds Five
Ben Neckfolds Five and Perky Samantha wanted to drop by and vote in the HCwDB of the Week.
With Ben demonstrating the rare "Goggles Above Sweatband" + Rocker Nailpolish move.
This has to be Europe. Ben's receding chin suggests Anglo-Saxon inbreeding at its most dysfunctionally alcoholic.
HCwDB of the Week
It may be the month of Stackhouse. But there's one more slot in the Monthly to fill. And by fill, I mean dung. Here's your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Asswipes and a Hott in a Limo, aka Chad, Todd and Sheena
Names courtesy of Sad Party Karaoke Robot and Medusa Oblongata, our threesome of hottie/douchey taint pretty much says it all about real world HCwDB.
Sheena is all that is leggy about the suckle thigh perfection.
Chad and Todd are all that is rayon shirted about suburbia.
Truth be told, this probably isn't actually taking place in a limo. But I'mma go with it.
And factor in the first "Vulcan Shocker" on the site in awhile, and this is a deserving finalist in the Weekly.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Gonzi and Mandy
Gonzi the Terrorist Ed Hardy Douche Muppet brought not one, not two, but three quality lady hotts to go with his assorted Ed Hardy tees, douche-pubes and ridic glasses and hat tilt.
Gonzi takes his douchi'n seriously.
The pink theoretical Yankee Cap may tilt to various degrees.
And the ladies may smile joyfully.
But not Gonzi.
Gonzi's pubes and too-small t-shirts suggest the foulest of rank pud. And while Gonzi may be a Brothabag, he does not earn the Brothabag moniker. For his is a pudwhack onto itself.
And Mandy deserves my gnaw for at least two weeks of intermittent and vaguely unsatisfying coitus, followed by turning on the TV.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Dr. Orangelove
Dress-up? Perhaps.
But as we've established previously, irono-baggery is still considered authento-douchery.
In other words, dressing up to "mock" the douche, except within clear Halloween sanctioned parameters, is still a form of douche-without-douche.
Belly Dancer Patricia is smiley, happy and likes to window shop watches.
Silver camel toe is just uber-scrote.
No excuses.
Dr. Orangelove deserves his slot in the Weekly.
Just missing the cut, The Dweeble, The Princess and the Log, and The Hairodox.
Them's your three.
Which coupling deserves our last slot in next week's first Monthly of 2010?
Choose now. Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Asswipes and a Hott in a Limo, aka Chad, Todd and Sheena
Names courtesy of Sad Party Karaoke Robot and Medusa Oblongata, our threesome of hottie/douchey taint pretty much says it all about real world HCwDB.
Sheena is all that is leggy about the suckle thigh perfection.
Chad and Todd are all that is rayon shirted about suburbia.
Truth be told, this probably isn't actually taking place in a limo. But I'mma go with it.
And factor in the first "Vulcan Shocker" on the site in awhile, and this is a deserving finalist in the Weekly.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Gonzi and Mandy
Gonzi the Terrorist Ed Hardy Douche Muppet brought not one, not two, but three quality lady hotts to go with his assorted Ed Hardy tees, douche-pubes and ridic glasses and hat tilt.
Gonzi takes his douchi'n seriously.
The pink theoretical Yankee Cap may tilt to various degrees.
And the ladies may smile joyfully.
But not Gonzi.
Gonzi's pubes and too-small t-shirts suggest the foulest of rank pud. And while Gonzi may be a Brothabag, he does not earn the Brothabag moniker. For his is a pudwhack onto itself.
And Mandy deserves my gnaw for at least two weeks of intermittent and vaguely unsatisfying coitus, followed by turning on the TV.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Dr. Orangelove
Dress-up? Perhaps.
But as we've established previously, irono-baggery is still considered authento-douchery.
In other words, dressing up to "mock" the douche, except within clear Halloween sanctioned parameters, is still a form of douche-without-douche.
Belly Dancer Patricia is smiley, happy and likes to window shop watches.
Silver camel toe is just uber-scrote.
No excuses.
Dr. Orangelove deserves his slot in the Weekly.
Just missing the cut, The Dweeble, The Princess and the Log, and The Hairodox.
Them's your three.
Which coupling deserves our last slot in next week's first Monthly of 2010?
Choose now. Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Is She Really Going Out With Him? Season 2 -- Feb. 15th
Feb. 15th, the televisual 'bag mocking continues...
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Dr. Orangelove
Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Silver Crotch Pants.
Your Gonzi Saturday
With Monday's HCwDB of the Week our last before the Monthly, Gonzi wanted to drop by and stare creepily into your soul to influence your vote.
With 60 degree hat tilt, creepy Toyota "Scion" logo chin pubes, standard two sizes too small Ed Hardy tee, and three different legitimate hotts, Gonzi the Terrorist Ed Hardy Douche Muppet has to be the early favorite.
He even brought Rare-Ass Clear Cup to the game.
Good luck, Gonzi. You're not a sure thing, but you're bringing your A-Game.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Friday Thoughts and Links
I find myself ruminating on the neck tatt on this Friday.
As the images we consume replicate and reverberate through the internet age like so many spectral hauntings from our own overstimulated psyches, perhaps the permanence of the inking of the body reflects a form of response to the impermanence of the virtual.
We keep our images on disks now rather than photo albums. We store our memories on jump drives rather than negatives or slides.
Maybe the need to mark the body is an effort at regaining the tactility of the analog, in the Barthesian sense. A use of the corporeal to reclaim an authorial control over that which is sold, processed and projected at us on so many flickering hi-def screens.
Or maybe it's just another douchey attempt to get laid.
Here's your links:
For the sports enthusiasts among us, check out BetUS, and support one of HCwDB's sponsors.
Groin Shave Reveal tips from Gillette. The best a 'bag can get.
Gideon Low's LinkedIn page tells us he's an architect, attended Bard College, and is orange.
Musician Steve Carlson takes inspiration from a fine text.
Poindexter is granted an official Rockstar Leniency Rule pass for the hair.
Gong Li Karaoke for the win.
The crazy Tralfamadorians, with their secret bafflegab language, are talking about the site again.
Random comic strip: Douchebag Intervention.
Here's a clip of my personal hero, the greatest movie star ever, Elliott Gould, sensing Ass Pear in a library in 1970. And then meeting Han Solo.
And from classic Elliott Gould, we complete our week with...
Chef Pear.
And for , sitting in his cubicle after a long day's work, this one's for you: Locker Pear.
Your humble narrator is recovering from L.A. rain and flooding, and preparing to drink heavily tonight and hit on boobie hottie suckle thigh. May the huntresses among us have a douche-free night. And may the 'bag hunters snag some whobag jumpoffs. Get some.
Asswipes and a Hott in a Limo
Sure I could've come up with some clever euphemisms to describe this scene.
But sometimes ya just gotta go literal.
Kat's Second Cousin, Brony
Poor Kat.
Dragged to the family gathering by her parents.
Forced to endure two hours of awkward conversation with her second cousin, Tony, who now wants to be called "Brony."
Hang in there, Kat. You can move into the dorm sophomore year.
Friday Haiku
Sweet Beth from Baja,
James Bond villain "Doctor Flame,"
Has jumped in your car.
They grew in like this
Claims orange faced skunk haired tool
Dont believe a word
-- Douchesquire
orange orange skin,
bleach blond hair faux pyramid,
eyebrow sculpted, tool.
-- uscrascal
Oddjobs gay son blowjob
Kissylips and peace sign hand
Beth will jump from car
-- E-blos last thought
Brandon Lee's corpse makes
Huge comback in "Crouching Pump-
kin Hidden Drag Queen"
-- Mr. Scrotato Head
Who knew that gay porn
also came in Kung Fu theme?
Enter the Exit
-- Mr. White
Explosives expert
Rides "bitch" in back seat after
Bomb explodes in face
- Bagnonymous
Clothes by Ed Hardy
Orange skin is by Minwax
Eyebrows by Sharpie
-- scrotum pole
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Is She Really Going Out With Him?: Season 2 Starts Feb. 15th
If you didn't just catch the trailer on MTV, the show I created based on HCwDB, "Is She Really Going Out With Him?" starts Season #2 on February 15th at 6pm!
We shot in Philly and Miami this time around, and our mocking of choadscrote gets taken to new, disturbing, and hopefully hilarious levels.
Set that TiVO, bitches!
Checkitout.
Donkey Douche Turns Burnt Umber
HCwDB legend and 2009 Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Winner Donkey Douche may grow older.
Donkey Douche may turn even stranger colors of rouge. And DD's ass chin may become even more pronounced.
But in pursuit of the party hotts, the dog-tags and chest-shave will remain eternal.
Gonzi, the Terrorist Ed Hardy Douche Muppet hates John Mayer Too
Gonzi, the Terrorist Ed Hardy Douche Muppet wanted to drop by and share something.
What did you want to share with us, Gonzi, the Terrorist Ed Hardy Douche Muppet?
Gonzi, the Terrorist Ed Hardy Douche Muppet: Look into my creepy eyes... my neatly trimmed facial hair and eye shadow gnaw your soul... nom nom nom...
That's it? That's all you wanted to share, Gonzi, the Terrorist Ed Hardy Douche Muppet?
Gonzi, the Terrorist Ed Hardy Douche Muppet: No. I also think John Mayer is a douche.
Okay, thanks for dropping by, Gonzi, the Terrorist Ed Hardy Douche Muppet. And good luck with Princess Jasmine!
Gonzi, the Terrorist Ed Hardy Douche Muppet: Hey thanks.
Breaking: John Mayer is still a Douchebag
For those wondering, the latest issue of Rolling Stone confirms that soulless guitar twat John Mayer is still the personification of the word douchebag.
Is the word "douchebag" overused, like so many claim these days? Played out? Not so long as this self-obsessed narcissist, with his Stackhousian quotes, is on the cover of the Rolling Stone.
From the Mayerbag's carefully constructed "I don't care about my image" image, to his claims to be a "geek" because he watches porn and plays PS2, to his "wounded soul" shtick to get laid, this preening fraud hack echoes the guitar greats in sound, but not talent. His is a soulless echo of the mass media age. Mylie Cyrus has more musical integrity.
When you carefully blur the line between irony and sincerity in service of the self like some postmodern pastiche of "rock star," you display the ultimate Jersey Shore of the soul.
You lick donkey nutsack, Mayerbag. You're not as smart as you think you are, you're not as clever as you think you are, and you're not as talented as you think you are.
Now get off my magazine covers and go back to stalking stripper poon in Vegas while your fame runs dry.
Gonzi, the Terrorist Ed Hardy Douche Muppet
Because if looking like a terrorist Ed Hardy douche muppet wearing McBain Goggles That Do Nothing gets you in with Mandy, then by god, that's Gonzi's plan.
The Guccbag Responds To H8ters
Tuesday's Guccbag responds in the comments threads:
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WOW, are you guys serious? a friend sent me the link to this, people actually take time out of Their day to comment on pics of other people they don't even know/ have never met? Your lives are that lame it's come down to this lol? I created an account just to post this ONE comment because most people are busy MAKING MONEY/ WORKING HARD TO BETTER THEIR LIFESTYLE.. not trying to degrade people to make them feel a little better about their LAME/ SAD lives. Get a life you HATERS!!!, you think this couple is so bad, maybe you need to take a second look here..
http://www.modelmayhem.com/rockstarlife
http://www.modelmayhem.com/DanicaParker
*THANK YOU HATERS FOR YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT*
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Remember kids, people "work hard to better their lifestyle." Not life. Lifestyle.
But on the flip, he did spell "hater" correctly.
Pablo Bagbozo Confirms Douchitude
Our newly minted HCwDB of the Week winner, Pablo Bagbozo, wanted to drop by and offer additional evidence that your judgment of him as a heaping art-school Milli Vanilli douchescrote in presence of the ladies was well deserved.
And I see you too, Russian Vitaly. And I see Janette, the orange, but curvy as hell 'baguette, too.
I would orange her oranges.
Which is a euphemism for touching the boobies.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Old Men and Kangol Hats
Old Men and Kangols go together like oil and water. Israel and Palestine. Culture and Texas.
Oh, naughty Mona. Your eyes say yes. Your hand says yes. Your lips say yes.
Yet your pink bikini-bra asks me to run up from behind, pull it back, snap it, then run off giggling. Just like I did in third grade.
And I would do it all again.
Stackhouse the Poet Donates His Dick to Charity
Stackhouse The Poet's "bitches with no self confidence love buying their own drinks and driving home in neons":
----
#1 reason the strip in Tallahassee are strong proponents of fat ugly customers....No Mirrors in any of their bathrooms. WTF, I'm sorry but I need to look at my fine ass after I take a piss, or blow down coke off of a dirty toilet seat. 4 bars, and not 1 mirror, f*cking bush league.
Jump offs!!!! Stop Grabbing my ass when u walk passed me with ur man, and stop the gay whispering 2 ur girls and just say what's up... I swear bitches with no self confidence love buying their own drinks and driving home in neons. Ur loss tards
I'm gonna donate my dick to charity tonight, get ready busted bitches, here comes ur porn star tax right off. Get Some
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The Dweeble
Dweebles wobble, but they don't fall down.
They do, however, bust orange-face kissy lips while making dual sideways peace signs, while arm hooking the perfectly delectable tiramisu hottness of Kiya.
I would air guitar to six hours of the Jonas Brothers on continual loop while standing naked on stage at Staples Center just for the chance to lick the dried crystalline sweat beads left behind by her thigh after test using a Bowflex in 2007.
The Hairodox
I have a question for fun-house-mirror Peter Dinklage douche.
Does the Hairdox discrepancy between face and chest so confuse Patti and Elanor, that they willingly allow your shoulder to mash their boobs during photos?
Thankfully, forty bottles of Grey Goose are about to intervene like an invading Dalek army.
HCwDB of the Week: Pablows Bigbozo and Art School Tina
This was more a week for the boobie hottie suckle thigh lovers among us. Each hott was delectable. As such, it was a very close vote. But it is Pablows, aka The Hambagler, and sexy cosmpolitan Art School Tina, who eeked out the win in a closely divided vote. The voters speak:
Douches Wild: My vote is for Pablows, he demonstrates once again that no matter how many convoluted layers of self conscious pseudo-irony a Baggeriono might marshal in the pursuit of authenticity, the net effect will always be POSEUR, ergo Douche
IdahoHottPotato: I'm going with Pablow and Art School Tina. Because together they remind me of Stephanie and Johnny from Grease 2, and I HATED Grease 2. I suspect T-Birds and Pink Ladies were early hot chick and douchebag prototypes.
Darth Doucheous: I think that the douchiest is Pablows Bigbozo , look at that hat tilt. And the kissy lips... ugh. Guppy looks like a Halloween costume, and Lars would get a notadouche from many and maybe even me depending if I have a good day and I feel lenient...
Saving Private Guido: Pablows Bigbozo FTW! It's a cruel summer and Lars definitely puts up a strong fight. But in the end, Pablows' douche face makes me want to beat down DJ Lance from Yo-Gabba-Gabba with a sock full of locks.
the motley douche: Oh, Pablows. I question your hott, but not nearly as much as your kissy face. What the hell?!?.
Anonne Huntress: Pablows Bigbozo ftw. Because guybrowliner and carefully tweezed chin pubes around punchworthy gay-ass kissy lips sucks.
Dr. DB: I vote Pablows. I don't even think copying Sammy Davis Jr. in the 60's was cool, so why now? Also, the 45 degree knit cap tilt only worked for Bing Crosby in White Christmas. So no, the candy man can't, and Pablows can FTW.
John Scrotavich: Pablows, because he has the nerve to frame his own douchosity.
Medusa Oblongata: . I went to art school. Art school, like any school, teems with dudes trying to get laid. Although, unlike the muttonhead fratdouche approach, the Art choad id far more devious and sinister. Weeping for a dead girlfriend who never existed, pretending to be on heroin, pretending to be gay, these are some of the brushes in the painting kit of the art douche.
Guns n Douches: I thought there would be no clearcut winner, but this schmuck take it. Is he a DJ? An impressionist painter? Doesn't matter. Kissylips plus knit-hat-tilt equals douche. So, Pablows gety my seal of approval for the weekly. And by seal of approval, I mean jackboot to the gonads in hopes of rendering him impotent.
Publius Choadius Naso: Pablows and his kanga-tilting, chin-pubing, pleather-wearing, gesture-dropping, kissy-fronting schtick FTW. Get your hands off of her; she's too good for you.
Crazed Aborigine: There is a strong whiff of gaybaggery here, but assuming he actually has, somewhere in his tiny lizard brain, some form of lust for Tina's perfect smile, perfect cheekbones, and black-and-pink-striped sweater dress perfection, he has to be named the winner (loser) of the week
teh abominable snowdouche: Make no mistake my friends. PB is not a human being but a squirt of mongoose excrement on the Mona Tina. Art lovers all over the globe puke now. Pablows FTL.
Nicely argued panel, and I agree that potential gaybaggery is not certain with this kissy lipsian Milli Vanilli fool. Coming in second was the dress-up fratbaggery of The Guppy and Belly Dancer Jessica:
-crazy-sexy-douche: The Guppy FTW!!!!! I knew a douchebag who looked just like him in college, he was always trying to sell me tickets to college snowboarding trips. Also, there are parts of Jessica's body I would lick that even the Germans couldn't forgive.
Desert Douche: The Guppy FTW. He's watched every Scott Caan movie from "Enemy of the State" to "Ocean's 13" and tries too hard to emulate. Although I question Jessica's decision to meet this preppy pud at an Hampton Inn, I do not doubt her ability to reduce this "American Psycho" reject to tears.
notadouche: I vote Guppybag because even though I would spend a year in Sri Lanka rubbing a midget jungle god's feet just for the chance to quality control check Ariella's bathing suit, the hottie-douchey dynamic in The Guppy's pic is just too strong.
shawk: Mr. Guppy will have a moderately successful career in the financial skimming industry, thanks to his previous experience in providing dried vegetable extract products to his college frat mates. Fortunately, Mr. Guppy won't be able to afford the divorce.
Dude McCrudeshoes: I luv Belly Dancer Jessica. She looks like 'That Girl' Marlo Thomas had a love child with Barbara Eden. Sure, it's weird and creepy to picture them now, but picture them bumping fuzzies circa 1968.
The Guppy was a worthy 'bag, and Jessica was teeth meltingly hott, but the dress-up factor cost them in the Weekly. A very close third place, with solid support, was the dual nakedness of Lars and Ariella.
Adrian.W.: Lars is a 'modest' douche I'll admit - although I use the term lightly, it's an oxymoron is it not? But Ariella's curves are arranged in a way that make a race track jealous... finished with a transparent outfit that even a blind man could see through.
Bob: Lars and Ariella. Choadiest scrote and most amazing hott.
Motherscratcher: He makes me more sure than ever that we are past the point of no return heading for the terrifying apocalytic future envisioned by Cormac McCarthy.
little beaver: Ariella is a natural beauty, so comfortable with her body that this is her game day and or concert attire. Tina looks perfectly comfortable in an art gallery, but needs to show more skin for the win this week.
I agree that Lars did not get the mock his undies-poke deserved, and Ariella is curve perfection. But the Bigbozo was too art-school annoying while humping Tina in front of an empty frame that betrays our societal soul's blankness. Lets turn it over to Baron Von Goolo to take us home:
Pablows bring a breath of fresh air into the ranks of the Smoots and Stackhouses. And by "fresh air" I mean metrosexual, free-Freixenet-at-the-art-gallery-opening yak fart. Plus, creepy, hairy lemur fingers. Long, tall Art School Tina with her twinkling eyes and enviable capacity for horizontal stripes may not be the hottest hott in the room, but she's the one you're still thinking about three days later as you futilely start stalking the organic produce section at any Trader Joe's within a five mile radius of Wilshire and Fairfax because you know that you will die dry and hollow without another serendipitous glimpse of that perfect smile, like ivory cobblestones paving the path to Nirvana, where birds of paradise chirp out the winning Powerball numbers. That, and you want her to touch your winky.
Superbly, kickassingly done as well, props to all who voted. And the DB1 for Cornflakes. With lots of sugar added. Because there was a sale on Cornflakes. Even though Cornflakes do not bring the Frosted.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Where's Cheeto Man?
Somewhere in this pic of Tri-Vag tough guy and a brunette with eyes that demand shoulder lickage, I've carefully hidden 2009 Douchie Winner Cheeto Man.
Look closely.
Can you scar your retinas by finding him?
What's Wrong With This Clown's Hair?
Okay kids, time to play another round of the game that's sweeping the interwebs, What's Wrong With This Clown's Hair?
Is it:
A. Semen malfunction
B. That darned static cling
C. One of the early experiments of hybrid Cylon-human technology on Caprica
D. An example of the rare mythological creature, the Douchenicorn
E. He's just happy to see her
The Slackerbag
Halfhearted faux.
Halfhearted douche-face.
Halfhearted sideways hand gesture.
Halfhearted silly tee and bling.
It's like the kids just aren't trying anymore. The Puritan Douche Ethnic has been lost in a haze of meaningfully marked up copies of Moby Dick and Big Fun concerts.
But at least I have awesome leg gnaw to consider. For Heather's posterior is glorious.
Classic Jerz Pud
With all this Jersey Shore hype these days, it seems the rest of America finally figured out how much fun it is to mock the spectacle of Jerz Douche macking on the trampy hotts.
It should be noted, however, that Jerz Puds are not all about getting drunk and into fights. Because nothing says "peace" quite like the sideways peace sign.
And, of course, the female's response to the sideways peace sign, the "Peace Boobies."
Reader Mail: You're All Bitter Because You're Ugly
A critic of HCwDB responds in the comments threads:
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people just seem angry here--a girl who he turned down probably uploaded the picture because theyre jealous hes pictured with a pretty girl...and every guy commenting on this site is bitter because theyre ugly
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You know who's really angry? Apostrophe Guy. He keeps getting left out.
