Boo!!

That Kettlehead costume is spot on. Down to the single arched eyebrow and everything.

Coming in December.

To whomever first designed the flimsy, clingy, barely-there body dress that shows panties upon leg cross, may Hashem bless you and your firstborn male with many years of fertile crops and healthy goats.

Here's your Friday Links:

Attention Ladies: Tone up that arm fat by jerking off a metallic cylinder.

The start of a new NBA season means one thing: Time to start mocking the Denver Nugget uberdouche Chris Anderson.

And some dude who plays on the Utah Jazz as well.

Searching for a douchey Halloween costume? Here's one approach.

Suburban wigga gangsta poseur asshats? Learn to dance the 'dub step.' There is no hope for the future of civilization.

Ironically, this Ed Hardy hoodie was the final straw that actually did kill punks dead.

Southwest Airlines targets the greater Scottsdale, AZ market with its new campaign: 'Bags fly free!

The future of claymation: Angry Kid

Douchiest Father of the Year.

Okay. You've earned it. Mmmm.... balcony pear.

Go forth, hunters and huntresses, and procreate. And if you can't procreate, fornicate. And if you can't fornicate, masturbate. And if you can't masturbate, imitate Bob Goldthwait.

----
Greetings DB1,

I must take umbrage with your notion that the New York Yankees hat and logo have become official HCWDB “scroteassery”. I am an avid follower of your website and it pains me that you, with the wave of your mighty hand, condemned the rest of the Yankee Universe to some yet unidentifiable douche status.

I can assure you the chicks love me even though I do not exhibit ANY douchebag characteristics BUT have been a lifelong Yankee fan and occasional “traditional” Yankee hat wearing fan. At the proper head placement and standard acceptable angle of course. Please correct this grave mistake and I will promise to mock all Yankee hat wearing douchebags that cross my path.

- Mattingly's 'Stache
----

Fair enough M'S, provided you don't stray into adouchetribution upon adorning your Yankee cap. However, there is no denying that the masses of hip-hop suburban wigga wearing ass-scrotes tend to choose the 10 Degree Hat Tilt Yankee Cap as their adouchrement of choice.

And as a 'bag hunter dedicated to the slaying of all things douchescrote, you cannot let personal team allegiences prevent you from mocking what must be mocked.

Yeah, whaddaya want. Clever skull puns?

Alls I can think about is aqua blue sparkle dress shimmying in the moonlight whilst I feed her grapes and grope her buns like a homeless baker kneading street dough.

Money on shirt, yo!
Too bad none in bank, Suzy.
But boobs are like dough.

Filipino 'bag?
America good to me.
Proud chest muffins rule!

-- Bag A

And yet once again
Tina is overdressed
For Thanksgiving

-- jonezy

Juan shows credit score.
Bank won't recover losses.
Taxpayers foot bill.

-Amerigo Vesdouchey

Douchebag points to stars
But I keep staring at moons
Meanwhile, heaven weeps

-- Franklyn Dealorno Doucheifelt

Straight from Viet Nam
To the streets of Bakersfield
American Dream

-- scrotum pole

Christmas party for
Enrique's Lawn Mowing Co.
Has stripper this year

-- Vin Douchal

Lower left toddler.
Inez sets fine example.
Aspiring stripper.

-- AV

Her ribcage milkbursts
Compete for attention with
Her deprived toddler

-- DarkSock

baby looks for elmo,
douche's forehead shines like the sun
bolt-on boobs distract me

-- Anonymous

I speak not of the pointilism of Georges-Pierre Seurat.

Nor, the point at the end of the chin of Mrs. Witherspoon.

Not even do I speak of the Clovis point found in the Paleoindian period of 11,500 B.C.

I speak only of Carlos's redundant point.

Because without your redundant point, Carlos, I might've stared at the wrong rack.

I get that The CW likes to revive old shows for the teen market like Melrose Place, but this image from Our Gang: The Teen Years is just straight up douchey.

----
DB1,

Being somewhat of a wristwatch historian, I'd like to point out that long before douchebags were wearing six pound watches, otherwise normal outdoorsmen like myself were relying on large timepieces to get us safely to the top of the mountain and the bottom of the ocean.

A great example of adjusting the business model to meet the needs of new customers (douchebags) with disposable income is seen with Casio. Whereas the G-Shock used to be targeted at the outdoorsman and hi-adventurer, it is now more and more seen on the wrists of orange-crush-skinned hip-hop wannabee douchebags.

I realize this is a business decision, but this does not mean I have to let it go without comment.

Respectfully yours,
John Douche Passos
-----

Fair enough, JDP, but once an object has become denatured as part of douchal echo, it cannot be reclaimed. You must let it go, just as we say goodbye to Grey Goose, even though it is an okay enough vodka based on the quality.

Francine knew that after winning the HCwDB of the Month with Mack the Nozzle, the sky was the limit. And by sky, she meant vodka. And by limit, she meant a brief career performing with the goth nightclub act, "Cirque Du Semiemployed"

Remember kids, Mr. Flushy says:

Your toilet brush is a major source of bathroom germs! Be sure to replace it at least once every six months.

The sideways peace sign has definitely given way to the "Double Finger" in the 'bag hand gesture lexicon.

Low Rent Gina Gershon has 'tude and bling and boobies, and therefore sparrows chirp appreciately in spite of her propensity to torture cattle during shearing season.

Yup.

No idea what I'm saying again.

It was that second bottle of Thunderbird I had at 2pm. I knew I should've stopped at one.

We haven't featured a true Hoverbag on the site in awhile.

A Hoverbag can be anyone, douche or nottadouche, who decides to disrupt the sapphic moment when the ladies get goofy and start performing for a nearby camera.

No one wants to see you, Finger Boy. Get the hell out of the frame.

Although I must say, I did enjoy your performance as the goalie in The Mighty Ducks.

Because someone's gotta pay for those Appletinis.

Truckstop Pudwick sez:

Poopaloompa may have the orange, but I gots me a superhott to hondle.

That pink lipsticked quality hottness of Shana may just be enough to drag your sorry Ed Hardy mug into the next Weekly, Pudwick.

Proving that in some cases a super-douchey orangebag can carry wholesome Mary girl next door to the HCwDB prize, the Poopa was not to be deprived.

And by deprived, I mean flushed.

The voters speak:

"Lesbian Thermos" Ernie Tubesock: My vote easily goes to The Poopaloompa simply due to the fact that he looks like Nikki Sixx chugged down a vile of Dr. Jekyl's potion from A League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

HusslinHoosier: He is the same color as the engorged tick that I pulled off of my dog's ear this summer and twice as loathsome. At least birds eat ticks and I like birds.

Publius Choadius Naso: Poopaloompa FTW. Dude looks like the love child of Dwayne Johnson, a generic scene hipster and some f*cked up loaf of overbaked bread from Montana Mills. I think the picture belies the HC's hawtness. The downturned eyes? She's sad because the cloud of Axe just hit her. The unfortunate pose? She's trying to crawl backward into her own skin to get away. She gets the benefit of doubt, here.

Vander: Poompa Loompa FTW because he is wearing a maroon sleeveless T, and that is the LAST douchal attribute you notice!

Tony Ventresca: The orange guy is clearly headed down the Michael Jackson / plastic surgery yellow brick road towards becoming an orange elf. Even the World of Warcraft kids would be horrified by him.

The 'Baggernaut: He is an orange scrotal taint clone of A.F.I.'s lead singer. I want to scrub his guyliner off with steel wool and kerosine.

Douche Bigalow: Fast forward 20 years and he's still clad in a cheesy anti-static black smock, shlepping crooked 12 dollar bangs at a Supercuts in Piscataway.

Mr. Scrotato Head: Some have posited that he washed the orange off for the second picture. I contend that he has instead coated himself entirely with Este Lauder Healthy Radiance foundation, Michael Jackson finish. In this fashion he walks in cognito among us, purchasing his Ed Hardy, Gray Goose, and Axe without even a second glance. Well, maybe a second glance, but not a third. All the while spreading his red-orange shaded poo and subverting our receptionists and elementary school car-pool drivers.

Hong Kong Douchey: Poopaloopa all the way. We may have to add an amendment to the HCwDB rules that nominees must be of this planet.

Mike: Poopaloompa coalesced when Blackstone the Magician sat on Criss Angel's stray ejaculate and was promptly gang raped by Dr. Strange and a Sear's handbag. This unholy zygote was then placed in a burlap bag and thrown in the nearest river. However, the hapless man thing was discovered by a band of traveling emo gypsies and raised by a Fallout Boy tribute band, known as Sticky Eyebrows. This abomination grew and became strong, and one day got a job in an all-male revue. One day that stripper troupe made it's way to Omaha, Nebraska; and without need for further explanation, this picture was taken.

Summer's Eve: But Poopy. *Sigh*. My beloved Orangina, Tang-flavored, guy-linered Ming the Merciless. Even with only an average cute-girl-next-door as his mate, no tatts, no Ed Hardy, no bling (save an earring), no red cup, and a stare that shoots daggers rather than the normal douche blanks, I just can't leave him be. C'mon: purposefully-poo-colored skin; when else can you have that?

Troy Tempest: He generates so much stink that it coalesces into a simulacrum of a hott that exists only in his mind. And given his narcissism, his vision of dildonic idiocy encompasses the universe. Poopaloompa must be victorious, so we can mock him, endlessly.

Genital Electric: Nature is full of horrifying parasitic relationships, but that doesn't mean humanity has to be. Poopaloompa, for reminding us that there is much evolution to be done.

Douche Wayne: Poompaloompa FTW. Rather than detract from the work as a whole, the presence of the fresh faced smiling girl-next-door serves to underscore his cartoonish super-villian quality.

Wedgie: No human should be the same color as Hellboy.

Anonymous: The stench from these three is strong enough to peel paint, split atoms and wring tears from corpses. And the stenchiest of them all is Poopa.

Mr. Bungle: He looks like an effeminate character in a bad 70's kung-fu movie. His hott is not super thigh suckable, but I would rub her down with hot Parkay any day.

Maxim Kovalenko: It's gotta be the Poo. I like the girl next door type, and the Poopaloompa looks like the product of a rogue nations genetic engineering project to bring down the hegemony of western nations.

Anonymous: If I saw the other two walking towards me on the street, I would give them space. If I saw Poopa coming towards me, I'd run across the street in to oncoming traffic.

Mr. White: I, too, feel like wholesome hott has been under appreciated. The picture shows just a hint of what I'm sure is ample bosom. She is the somewhat matronly R.A. in your freshman college dorm. Perhaps a bit too motherly at such a young age, but still sporting a sexy, plump goodness that draws your eyes to her hourglass shape when she's walking back from the shower in a towel. She will happily give you chocolate and Ramen noodles when you get strep throat in October, and when you come to her to complain that you've awoken several times at 3 a.m. to find your roommate peering down at you from the top bunk, she will respond with all the professionalism one can get from a three-week summer training session in peer counseling.

No jaded mandarins here, nicely done people. The dichotomy between Hott and Choad is what we seek, and although the Poopa doesn't have traditional hot, the dichotomy is present, and we must give tribute. And by give tribute, I mean flush. Coming in a solid but distant second was the Uncivil War of The Lincoln Log.

Anonymous: Of the three The Lincoln Log is the one I'd like to punch the most

I R A Darth Aggie: Linkin Log FTW. Surrounded by phone-sex operating bleeth, chin-pubs+strap, hand sign, and a plethora of tats seal the deal.

Ol'Bag: Lincoln log, for the win, oh, yeah hey, dude, be sure to top off my coolant, and check my 'tranny' fluid, while your at it, I'll leave a nice comment card for you

RAPETIME: There are some things man is not meant to understand, like the origin of the universe, or what a woman is thinking. So it goes with tattooing one's arm with a picture of Lincoln.

The Lincoln Tatt is impressive and should be remembered in the Douchiest Tattoo category at the 2009 Douchies. When not competing with superhuman orange, the Log would've had a shot. Coming in third, the sadly neglected Latina Hott Gloria and her Etch-a-Head:

skid: Gloria has the boobies I can't stop looking at. She has the beauty that makes men do anything to be with her. I would do anything to get my face between those boobies, including letting her design my haircut on an etch a sketch.

Dead End: In the never ending battle between quantity and quality, I vote Etch a Scrote FTW over the Lincolin Log. Poopa's hott is not hot enough to carry my poop filled jock strap.

Anonymous: Gloria ftw. There is no explanation capable of excusing her attraction to etchyhead. This should be mocked. Poopa should be flushed like the orange goldfish you won at the county fair, which was coincidentally where Poopa works as a carnie. EtchyHead wins with a dreamy hott with the best boobies.

Gloria is dreamlike West Side Story hottitude, and appreciate her we must. But Etch-a-head is just a tool living in Poopa's shed. Lets let The Chuck Leibowitz Explosion take us home:

OK. So. The Poopaloompa's companion can scarcely be described as "hot." This is true, and in keeping with the website's ordered nomenclature--it is Hot Chicks with Douchebags, after all--he might be penalized.

But let's be serious here. It's entirely possible than none of us have ever seen or will ever again see a creature quite like this 'Bag from Hell. He looks like the Satanic offspring of Jafar and Pete Wentz with a diseased sweet potato thrown into the birth canal.

The Poopaloompa is the HCwDB of the Week. He is the HCwDB of all eternity, and he will greet you at the gates of Hades should you be unlucky enough to replicate any one of his innumerable nocturnal activities.

You had me at "diseased sweet potato," TCLE. Book the Poopa and Mary in the Monthly, for they have earned it.

And yeah, this was a long-ass post. But the comments thread was epic hilarity, and deserved as many featured on the mainpage as possible. Now, your humble narrator gets some Corn Pops.

Yesterday's Theory of Mandanativity introduces a new addendum to the formulae:

((s)-h/1rt}/l3(5*)5 * h/awk= 'b(a>g) + p0/0/

Let this be a lesson to all of us.

You don't need to be able to grow facial hair yet to be a true bar stud. Alls you need are piercings, oranged up smooth chest, and, of course, greased up faux/mo'.

Once accomplished, you too can give the "Dwayne Johnson as 'The Rock'" glare while fondling the little girl lost raunch charm of Lil' Sadie Hottkins.

----
Hi DB1! :)

My friends and I love your site! Attached I am submitting a picture (take tonight) of myself and two of my friends. If you need our names, I'm Nina Gladkochtchekova (yes I am Russian), in the yellow top is Tim and in the grey is Carlos, aka the Crow. Thanks!

The first pics of 2009 are coming in, like this one here. Nice job on the hooch hott, but the 'bag could've used more Ed Hardy and at least one garish fake tatt.

Still, good work.

For those of you considering going as HCwDBs this year, here's the rundown of last year's award winning costumes (in random order):

--------
1. KH and Asian Sailorette storm the beaches at Douchemandy.
2. Brett M Guidos it Up in style.
3. Carson Y Macks. And then muscles it up to some boobies.
4. Cathie B brings the Winehouse while her boyfriend busts 'Bag.
5. Cory B's costume is so good, I almost ran it as a real pic.
6. Crissy and her boyfriend bring tremendous hottie/douchey forces into play.
7. Seth M busts literal signage, multi-colors and two hotts. Good work, Seth.
8. The Anti-Douche and his Hott overwhelm with a perfect Halloween combo.
9. Tom L and his Smokin' Hott are almost too realistic. Are you sure this is Halloween?
10. I'm not convinced Dante is really in costume. But the limo is genius.

10a. Cim's costume finds the key to the DB1's heart.

And here's a sampling of some of the other notable submits:

Baggin M 'bags it up.
Brian C gets down.
Dante and his Boyz formed a Halloween douche posse.
Donk Diggler goes to town.
Gaw says "Whassup?"
Erik K is orange.
FSDU's Douche Costume is minimal but his hott is for real. Goddamn.
Frankie forgets the Hott but makes a helluva douche.
Les Douches are actually kind of scaring me.
Double X has the costume, but where are the kissy lips?
Paul A earns a kiss for his costumed douchosity.
Billy B has the perfect costume and sidekick, but no hotts, sadly.
The Minnesotans know how to mock the douche.
Michael M goes "Double Pop" with a Sailor Cutie in tow.
Steve Makes Kissy Lips with a Naughty Nun.
Jordan J's Tatts look just a tad too real to be costumey douche.
Billy B Busts a Move
LL is a Douche Bandit with yet another Sailor Hott.
GT and Alice make a surreal hott/douche coupling.
Here's Mike and Randy, who just sent me one last pic to make the cut.
----

And, of course, last year's Winner of the contest.

Last year was good times. I can't see how this year's'll come close to matching that lineup. But lets see what people can come up with.

One... two... three... SHOOT.

I win again.

I could play this all day.

It was the great Armenian physicist, Blake Havasu, who first proposed the Theory of Mandanativity, at a conference in Copenhagen in 1942. It went like so:

As mandana moves lower and hawk rises higher, the chance of pink baseball caps on hoochie hot increases exponentially, ipso facto, reductio ad absurdum.

Or, in mathematical terms:

D/b(ag)2 = M/x + (H*y) Σ P*z

Laugh now, but someday you may need that formula.

There's clearly a distinct correlation between shortbags and overdeveloped abs in pursuit of hott fondle.

One of the great HCwDB legends of all things scrotal, the immortal Donkey Douche, decided to stop by with a couple of new ladies (and his apprentice, Hal) and vote in the Weekly.

DB legends like DD do not grow old.

They just grow more orange.

Your humble narrator had a relaxing weekend munching on processed sugar snacks and enjoying a tasty beverage. But tasty beverages are not enough. There's work to be done.

The Weekly appears to be a mismatch. But we've seen mismatches go to the underdogs before. Will it happen this time? That's where you come in. Here's your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Etch-a-Head and Gloria

Originally posted as a "Caption This Pic" contest, Head Sketchy brings significant douhetributes to the Weekly.

Waxed brows.

Ridic ear bling.

Landing strip chin.

Standard issue MMA t-shirt.

And, of course, the Etch-a-Head.

Gloria is fiery Latina curvaceous hottness, with perky nose, sexy hooch eyeshadow, and boobs a boobsin'.

She is quality first generation salsa goodness.

He has a wrist tattoo.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Lincoln Log

Knocked out of the last Weekly due to the high competition, I'm making an executive decision and placing The Log in this Weekly. He deserves another shot at being mocked.

The Log is true West Coast Inland Empire douche at work.

Muscle t-shirt. Strange facial pubes. Undeserved "tough" attitude. Hand gesture. Abe Lincoln arm tatt.

That's right. Abe Lincoln arm tatt.

Four score and seven hours ago, the Log was lying in a puddle of vomit wondering where his life went wrong.

The ladies? They bring dual generic West Coast hottitude.

Nothing spectacular or innovative. Nothing really inspiring in a sui generis sort of way. But quality hotness nonetheless. And a bitable suckle leg.

Whether he wins or not,"Pucker" needs a soggy rye to the face.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Poopaloompa
Normally with an orange mutant this ridiculous, I'd be inclined to move him straight to the Closet of Poo and be done with it.

But methinks the Poopa deserves his shot in the Weekly.

The drawback?

A less than A-List, albeit wholesome, girl next door. Is she enough to hold up the HC side? Or can the Poopa's poopitude create a poopulous vortext of pee?

Missing the cut, but deserving consideration for Hall of Hott is Santabag's Elf Hott and the puddwackitude of The Floater.

But them's your three.

Which coupling shall prove victorious/rank? That, my friends, is up to you.

Vote, as eternal, in the comments thread.

The French perpetrator of the Ed Hardy plague has an American Dream.

It is to defecate on every aspect of our culture like a viral infected herp sore on the rosy red ass-cheek of life.

Friday Haiku Girl writes in:

----
Subject: leagl

Hi Sir,

I am not sure what pleasure you get out of putting false information on the internet, but I will seak all legal actions to get it down. It was posted @7:02am.

Thank you.
Brooke
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed
----

And moments later:

----
I will seek all legal actions to remove myself from this website of yours that you think is so funny. You are a rude and disrespectful person. I have a team working on it now. I am sure you will hear from them by the end of next week. If you would like to continue to steal personal photos and blog on them I am sure you will continue to get delt with by a legal team. How dare you.

A de-orangified Poopaloompa is prepping his ginormous head, sharpening his chin pubes and rubbing up on Young Mom Suburban Kim as he preps for the Weekly on Monday.

Gonna be hard to knock off this "Handsome Devil."

And by handsome, I mean poopa.

And by devil, I mean loompa.

Yesterday, as I waited in line to buy my bottles of Night Train and some tasty Hostess treats to stock up for the weekend, at the local Korean deli south of Wilshire, I had a thought.

As Freud famously wrote in Totem, Taboo and Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh, it is the search for the union of rift in the psyche of the Self that we seek in the Other. This search for Jouissance can never be satiated, and returns only as punctum expressed in the act of mocking douchebag.

Or, as the great Jean-Paul Sartre once asked in a moment of pique at a restaurant, Waiter, what is this fly doing in my soup? And the waiter responded, Because of the phenomenological crisis of perception, and he's doing the back stroke.

Here's your links:

Geeky pumpkins rule.

HCwDB of the Week Winning Hott Charleez takes a dip in the pool. I would rub her shoulder blades lightly for six weeks straight with only Peruvian coco butters for my chapped skin and a strawberry daiquiri for sustenance.

Russian kids learn to douche it up. Ladies and gentlemen, witness the dangers of market based global hegemony.

Attention 'Bags: Need to see how your abs look while taking a self portrait? Samsung has the answer.

The French blight on global culture that is Christian Audiger continues to pollute Australia, this time with "Ed Hardy Rockstar bowling."

"Hey, look at me! I'm a cabbage! Good source of riboflavin."

Streem Master. When you need to take the "ouch" out of douching.

Speaking of animal douche, check out The Chinstrap Penguin. Ladies, how YOU doin'?

And finally, because it was another tremendous week of 'bag mocking and hott lusting, this one's for you:

Collegiate Volleyball Ass Pear. Because you've earned it.

With extra cheese.

With HCwDB's recent foray into lobbying activity on Capitol Hill via my newly formed lobbyist group, 'Bagpac, I'm pleased to announce we are introducing our first official bill in the House of Representatives.

1634.2: "The Banning of Shirtless Bartenders Congressional Act of 2009."

This will appear on state and local ballots as "Prop Poo."

Please call your local congresspeople and tell them to vote "yea" on Prop Poo.

PIC DELETED

Gangsta tatt vortex.
Rover dreams of killing cats,
And so does his dog.

Motorcycle? Check
Humongous truck? Check. Pit bull? Check
Credit score? Thirteen.

-- Sergeant Scrote Stain

Shirtless, tatted scrote
Lady Gaga's slutty sis
Welcome to Stenchtown.

-- Mr. White

Even Ed Hardy
Doesn't want this clown wearing
his stupid clothing.

-- Douche Wayne

We own none of this
all props for fashion freakshow
Capitalism

-- I drink your doucheshake

Skank and sleaze abound
At Douchebag Manor, dog frets
He may catch ringworm.

-- Captain Bringdown

Looking at the pic
I'm sure you'll understand why
we had both neutered.

-- Wes

You've met the Oompa Prompas.

Now meet... the Poopaloompa.

Ladies, he's out there.

Gunning for your ovaries with teeny, tiny, little orange spermaspores.

We've talked about the "Rockstar Leniency Rule" (RLR), in which we grant leeway for successful pop and rock stars to dress in douchesque ways, provided it is part of their performative persona.

Some pop culture examples granted RLR have included Neil Young, Beck, Jack White, Tom Petty, George Clinton, Dave Grohl, Rick James, Chris Robinson, Keith Richards, Jay-Z, the Beasties, vintage-era David Lee Roth (1984), the great Mr. T, bands like KISS, wrestlers in the WWE, etc.

Take Prince, for example. According to the rules, the 'bag signifiers are rampant. But it's Prince. It's part of his theatrical identity, and leads to some kick-ass funk. Therefore Prince is granted RLR, at least based on the visual evidence.

Again, this is not to state that these people can't earn douche status for real world accomplishments. Only that their visual spectacles tie to their on-stage or performative personas, and are thus considered theatrical, and therefore not douchal.

Recent semi-famous one hit wonder rapper, Flo-Rida? Not granted RLR. Not even close.

Douche.

If any couples out there are planning to honor HCwDB by dressing up as either generic hottie/douchey plague or as one of our hallowed Hall of Scrote members, be sure to drop me an email with a pic.

Last year the response was overwhelming as I received more than 200 pictures of hilarious mock taint and sexy curvy sucklethigh.

Let there be more Hottie/Douchey Hallows Eve dressups this 'ere the witching hour.

Either that, or OFace is actually a fan of retro 1970s claymation reactions.

Seriously, Brothabag Darnell, over there douching it up on the left. You've gotta be pushing thirty.

Why hang with the baddest suburban gangstas and girls who hate their dads in 10th Grade at Jefferson High in Phoenix, Arizona?

Was there really nothing good on BET?

Oh, it was a marathon of The Mo'Nique Show?

I see your point.

Sad Meatclown says:

Remember kids, claw-scratch tattoos on your pec tell the Miami Beach Hooch that you are wild AND crazy!

Now, really.

Why would anyone want to do that to a Yodel?

They said tagging a douche with only kissy lips and hair spike to give him away couldn't be done.

With one kiss from his hott, we've proved them wrong.

In a really nasal voice, and with polite, disinterested respect, The Leatherbag demands a recount in the Weekly.

Sorry, Leatherbag.

You'll just have to content yourself with Princess Boobies Von Bounce.

In one of the most closely contested Weeklys of all time, The Cheez and Charleez just barely eeked out the win by the power of head grease and glorious Cleavite boobies.

Pic #2, pic #3 and pic #4 completed the victory lap of pigeon poopie. The Voters speak:

"Lesbian Thermos" Ernie Tubesock: For a being that resembles Batista having sex with Where the Wild Things Are!, Cheez is an douche that has been raised to conquer galaxies as evidenced further by his hott of hotts. I bet he smells like a mildewed Gouda and Kathy Bates' stilettos.

Faceboob: Cheez, there's no whey I can see this curd getting a free pass. He is cookie cutter douche but he's still a douche.. And Charleez aka Swiss Miss makes me feel gouda all over. Cheez for the cheddar.

The Donger: Cheeze FTW. The smell of cheese permeates the room with this douche and bleeth combo - him with the gaudy tats, too-tight shirt, and perpetual grimace, and her, probably a yeast infection.

MC 900 Foot Douchebag: The other two are pretty 'baggy, but you could clean them up easily. The Cheez would have to undergo weeks of painful laser therapy to remove those tats so we know he's a full on committed douchebag.

kellygirl: I'm going to vote for the Cheez who is definitely a douche to the exponent of scrote. He should save the money he's going to spend on his next tat and invest it in a few more links for his "gold" chain. Otherwise the lack of blood flow to his head might cause it to... oh, wait, too late....

Rhonda the Boob: My vote goes to Charleez, for her yam bags are nice. They look like two sandwich bags full of pudding with modeling clay stretched thinly over top.

Tony Ventresca: I must choose The Cheez. The pre-human "this is mine!" death-grip he has on the hott is a reminder of our ape origins, and the Final Proof needed by evolutionary scientists (explain him, Creationists, if you can).

Desert Douche: The Cheez & Charleez for the win. Mostly because of his douchey body of work in the other pics. And I'd like to float away on Charleez balloons so to stir up interest in my new reality TV show.

Darth Doucheous: Hi there, I am new here, just posted two or three comments. But if my vote is worth anything, I vote for Cheez.

Your vote is of course worth something, DD, and welcome to the team. Another potent round of linguistic mock, strong work fellow 'bag hunters and huntresses. Barely coming in second, and nearly taking the prize, The Leathery leatherness of The Leatherbag:

Anonymous: I'll go with Leatherbag because he has douched it up for half a century. He's the Brett Favre of the douche world. He also smells of Old Spice and pickles.

Dr. DB: Leatherbag- He's a modern day Liberace. He strikes anger and amusement at the same time. And there are more hots than the other two finalists. Since I like quantity over quality, I go with Leatherbag.

J Bone: Leather Bag FTW. He's been douching longer than a prairie dogs shadow and in some towns west of Albuquerque he is known as the OPM (Original Porch Meat).

Roy Rogers Anything that Moves: Leatherbag. Is he simply a long-time dork who came into easy cash in a growth warping culture like Carson City? Or is he simply a long-time douchebag? Either way he's simply the winner of this weekly, and he'd make a pretty decent saddle.

RAPETIME: LEATHERBAG FTW. You may well ask why. Here's why: He's pulling both sweet cowgirl cougary MILFs and their debauched young daughters at an age where no man should reasonably expect to attract either, and (most importantly) none of them appear to be terrified of him. Plus, in all honesty, I'd like to be able to do the same thing at his age. Much respeck, Leatherguy. Much respeck.

Leatherbag should do well in the "Oldbag" category at the 2009 Douchies. And Zombie Gunter and Alyssa also put up a valiant After Hours diner fight:

massengill: As much as I want to vote for Charleez so I can see her pic again in the monthly, this week belongs to Gunter Von Crotchian. His girl is cute (much better looking than the one on the right in Leatherbag's pic) and, in a week that is filled to the gills with scrote, he is the scrotiest. He's a rockstar C.H.U.D. with a belt and suspenders, it doesn't get much worse.

The 'Bagel: What enrages me the most about him is that he doesn't look retarded at all, just evil. A self-styled "pickup artist", obviously. Contrary to The Cheeeeeez, Gunter knows EXACTLY that he looks like a douchebag. He just doesn't give a damn about it; in fact, he WANTS to look that way. Because wearing all that bling and what, for want of a better word, I'll call "clothes" is simply a way to pick up chicks.

Fran Langum / Blue Gal: WAIT, is that a handcuff necklace caressing Gunter's clavicle? Well, that settles it. Gunter FTW.

Doucheterminator: Gunther ist der Überdousche! Not too many words need be used here to justify my pick -- just LOOK at the f*cking tool! The zombie stare combined with the smirk is enough to cause me to seek him out and plant my leg knee-deep up his ass...or down his throat. Alyssa's pick.

Alyssa is glorious real world hotness and Gunter deserved better. And by better, I mean more mocking. But this Weekly was too epic, and only one coupling could rise to the top/bottom of our collective evaluations. Lets let noobbag take us home:

Everybody say Cheez! He is the über douche, scroteus maximus. He has it all and I just want to punch his smug-ass face. And the perfect counter for the 1-2 punch, the hott is Fahrenheit 451 HOT! If only Cheez would ignite on contact with the hott and die in his own grease fire.

Grease fires, Latin and Ray Bradbury references just about sum it up. Book a ticket for The Cheez and tasty Charleez in the Monthly. And your humble narrator needs Corn Pops.

----
DB1-

I work in a liquor store in New Jersey where we sell fine wine and excellent beers. But we also sell Red Cups, Ed Hardy Beer, and Ed Hardy Vodka. Thankfully, we do not sell that other sign of the Apocalypse, Ed Hardy Wine.

Now I’m just a worker, not a decision-maker, so if someone asks for any of those items, I have to assist. Yet I feel so dirty for doing so, and I believe that I’m aiding and abetting douchey behavior, but I do need this job. How can I cleanse this from my soul, while keeping my job?

(No name, please. I seriously need this job.)
----

You are a secondary purveyor of douchal echo, NNPISNTJ. So I'm willing to forgive in that you are working at a more general establishment, a liquor store, and not a prime nodal douche-point (Axe Factory, Ed Hardy Clothing, etc.). Therefore, there is hope. You can still do good from within by guiding your customers away from such tainted product purchase.

As detailed in Kevin Smith's Clerks, workers make a voluntary moral choice when choosing to be employed. That being said, the difference between working for evil or nefarious forces such as the Empire, or a douchey Jerz liquor store is legitimate.

Be strong. For you can still become a 'bag hunter.

"Hmm, maybe I shouldn't have bought Ramon that microshaver Etch-a-Sketch for Christmas."

Canuck Soldier writes in from Afghanistan:

----
Hi, just thought I'd drop you a quick line from the sandbox.

Love the site, one of the few consistently laugh out loud websites I frequent. Also, the quality daily hot is much appreciated when one is in a barren land such as this with so few hots to be found. My copy of your book was wildly popular here, and I think it made the rounds through most of my unit.

I’m afraid I don’t have any DB+Hot pics to share, but I did recently bump into some quality ass pear….with buck…I’m actually not sure what to make of it, maybe you can offer some insight. Does douchie-ness extend to the rest of the animal kingdom?

Keep up the good work.

- A Canuck Soldier in Afghanistan

----

Normally I rule out the animal kingdom as possessing douche-worthy qualities, as conscious 'baggery remains a distinctly human endeavor. Sure there's the occasional douchey-ass lemur, but for the most part, animals are exempt. That being said, this deer is a douche.

Note the deer's double hornhawk. Stage-3 horn douche. Also the deer's smug kissy-face in presence of Bikini Hott. And finally, his chinpubes. Short, evenly trimmed and in the shape of a deer chin. Unacceptable. This deer is a huge scrotebag.

Good work, Private. Carry on.

Because nothing says "air gatt" quite like lavendar Hello Kitty biker gloves.

EDIT: Props to Captain Bringdown for finding the Hypothetical Gun's original appearance on the site back in January here.

Because nothing says "ready to swim" like double mandanas on the arm, four necklaces, greased up hair spike, and pokey red Spiderman underoos.

Oh Zoë.

You smile as if you aren't standing next to a Floater that smells like bacon and bodspray. But, wait! What's that? Your belly calls out to me:

Zoë Belly: Poooochhhh me!!!

What's that, Zoë Belly?

Zoë Belly: Pooooochhhh me, DB1!!! Slather my button!! Barrump my tummy like an Arctic seal with lupus!!!

Well. If you insist.

But first, I must chapstick.

Although he was technically "coming to the aid" of another drunk player, it's yet more evidence of Reedbaggery.

I hereby declare Pittsburgh Steeler and HCwDB mainstay Jeff Reed to be Honorary Douchebag of Every Sunday During Football Season:

----
Steelers' kicker Reed cited for public intoxication

By Jason Cato, TRIBUNE-REVIEW
Monday, October 19, 2009

Pittsburgh police arrested Steelers kicker Jeff Reed last night after he tried to come to the aid of a teammate being cited for urinating in public, Sgt. Tina Davidson said.

Police responded to an unrelated incident at McFadden's, a North Shore bar and restaurant across a parking lot from Heinz Field, around 9 p.m., Davidson said. While there, officers spotted a man urinating outside a white sport utility vehicle and began to give the man — identified as Steelers tight end Matt Spaeth — a ticket when Reed exited the vehicle, Davidson said.

"The officers told him several times to get back in the vehicle, but he did not listen," Davidson said. "Mr. Reed then squared up with an officer by bringing his fists up."

Officers tackled Reed and cuffed him at the scene, Davidson said. "He smelled of a strong odor of alcohol and appeared to be intoxicated," Davidson said. Reed, 30, was charged with simple assault and resisting arrest, both misdemeanor counts, as well as disorderly conduct and public intoxication.

No court dates have been set.
----

Ironically, all he wants for Christmas are his two front teeth.

----