There are douchebags in this picture? I hadn't noticed, what with all the HOT VIXENS RUNNING AROUND IN IT!!!

Forget the douchebags, Brenda. A few pics of you and your roomate engaged in a wholesome pillow fight will be more than adequate.
 

Being a life-long Chicago area resident, I can attest to Brenda's assessment of both Schaumburg and John Barleycorn - atrocious displays of humanity in both cases. I question her motivation for ever going to either location, Bday party or not. The only way to be sure is for more boobie suckle thigh pics from her and her friends. I can invite them to my home for fun and frolicking. "Its the only way to be sure..."
 

Haha, John Barleycorn. I remember that place before I moved away. Place blows.
 

The 'bag in the middle is going for the "Frogger" look - green with a tire track across his chest. If only . . .
 

I realize Chicago has a music scene worth protecting and some other assets... but that city seems to be vying for the NJ-like status that demands total nuclear annihilation.
 

Nottabag says, "the name's Francis Soyer, but everybody calls me Psycho. Any of you guys call me Francis, and I'll kill ya."
 

the guy in the white Puma jacket looks like he's about to go Hulk on the cameraman...

Army of douche-ness
 

Here ya go fuckfaces, a new Vin Douchal original song at my MySpace


Bra! The Gun Show
 

Who is this "Douche Wayne" claiming knighthood? Verily the only scroteslayer among us is I!

Perhaps there is room for two, however. I commend your douche vanquishing skills Sir Wayne. Perhaps in another time and place we might be enemies, but here we must battle together, side by side, and tame the filthy dicknosed punchfaces of these hallowed lands.

Come. We must drink a pint of mead and speak at length about our bagslaying adventures. Huzzah!
 

This picture was taken at a dance club.

Someone is using a flashlight to get a girl's number in the background.

The guy on the right is wearing a watch.
 

I agree the guy in the hoodie isn't really a douchebag. There's something too average and casual about him to be a douchebag.
 

Wait a sec. Who's the Nottabag and who is the Blue Steel? Both guys on the left and right have an extremely blank look on their faces. Guy on the right has a huge, WHITE!!!! watch(band) and mark o' the bag on his forehead. Guy on the left appears to be the one making the Blue Steel face, and his jeans look waaaay to expensive for a chain restaurant/bar//WTF are you doing here trying to pick up young boobiesucklethighs? I say, anyone who might qualify as a nottadouche elsewhere is, in the context of John Barleycorn's, a d-bag.
 

ha! barleycorn blows.so do these meat sticks. whats up with eye-gor in the puma shrit behind blue-shirt sexy brunette? does he have to take a dump or something?schaumburg is lame, but now i will be keeping an eye out for vixens like these next time i'm up there.
 

Crazy Eyes!!! Somebody pooped in his fried cheese curds. Mmm, I miss fried cheese curds, can't find them in SoCal.
 

Brenda's mistaken. Schaumburg isn't typical...it's the prototype.
 

Yep, massengill (2:03 p.m.) FTW! "Psycho" is thus closer to Stage-1 'bag for that.

I wonder if they know the Donk? Fish Slap? Socrates?
 

Hey Mass and Wheez :

Check out my tune^ ( attention whore tendancies kicking in....)
 

Just got done, Vin - another stellar effort (and a comment there as well)!
 

As a new patron of Barleycorn, I sadly have to admit that this place is the Castle Greydouche of the NW burbs. The scrotes that inhabit this place are comical, and provide hours of laughs. The Hardy shirts are generally the cheap knock offs, the Affliction shirts are grotesque, and the hotts...not so hott...

Its a wannabee pimp fest with testosterone levels through the roof. HOWEVER, these clowns generally DO succeed in bringing some life-forms back with them.

truly sad
 

@Vin

Got mah ticket already....lol stellar man!

Brenda, did you remember to wash your retinas with bleach then gargle with battery acid after being in these guys presence? And by presence I mean swimming in a septic tank covered with old cheese and diarrheatic warm curdled milk with crunchy dead horse flies and bloated horny toad corpses.
 

Traffic got it right 40 years ago; John Barleycorn Must Die.
 

Captain Sleeveless, The Green Gobbler and The Puma at your service.

- Douchey Smurf
 

this link has nothing to do with this post, but I got it from a friend when i came back from lunch and knew just who could use it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gw1g2yKxb0I&feature=player_embedded
 

@douche unto others:

Schaumberg is NOT Chicago. You go to the suburbs of any major city and you'll find loads of douches who live in mom and dad's house and try to pretend like they're all citified. Not that there aren't plenty of Wrigley Bags in the city, but it has much more cultural importance than the Jerz.
 

OMG! The green dude in the middle looks like Kettlehead. Could it be?
 

(the green dude)
 

(in the middle)
 

(you know, the one that looks like Kettlehead)

ok ok. i'll stop now. i need sleep.
 

2 out of the 3 guys look like they're at a point where they wouldn't notice if someone stole their wallet. you could've ran away with some money, Brenda!
 

Does douche on the far right think the Puma is his totem and by wearing it he takes on it's characteristics; thus justifying the fact that he looks like he is going to eat the person taking the picture?
 

Schaumburg.

Imagine Los Angeles as a shopping center and there you go. Instead of little clusters of shitty suburban developments, it's little clusters of stupid shitty shopping centers. And its downtown is a giant shitty mall, the festering epicenter of mindless consumer whorification. Brenda hit it right on the head.

However, Chicago proper is just as douchealicious as its surrounding bastard offspring suburbs. I have since left the area entirely as it's all the same homogeneous, and I do mean homo but not geneous (read it aloud), douche stew. I'd have no idea if this pic as at the John Barleycorn in Schaumburg, or in Lincoln Park.

And I would argue the case for Bar Louie being the shittiest chain bar location in history. I've never been in either one, but the smell of AXE and poo hangs heavy over each one. And what with the smoking ban, it is now very easy to see the stinking insides of a bar without even leaving your vehicle. And you can throw rocks at them as you drive past. Not that I've done that either.....
 

Da Bags!
 

MAN! I haven't played Big Buck Hunter in AGES. That shit used to be...the shit....

Is Greenman in the middle about to cry? He looks a tad bit dejected to me. The down turned lips and the puppy dog eye. Poor guy. I bet Angry Puma pounced during they're trip to the restroom together.

I'm sorry you live near Chicago Brenda. Truly sorry.
 

Fuck winter. Come to FL anytime Brenda. My place in Boca is on the water... stay as long as you like.

Bring a bikini.
 

If only she'd landed FishSlap, she would have got enough points for the beer helmet or the plush Chester Cheetah.
 

There's a chain bar called John Barleycorn? Well fuck me runnin'.
 

This comment has been removed by the author.
 

This comment has been removed by the author.
 

there's also a spinoff chain of bar/eateries near Buffalo called Johnny Barleycorninyourpoop that's probably not as famous.



just sayin'...



hey Brenda. nice work. seriously. welcome to the fold you tiny morsel of hottness. that said, i will send you $100 dollars if you can get a 'Bag Tag of yourself with FishSlap. also, next time? boobies.

and i'm not even kidding.
 

Whither the boobs?
 

Off hand, you'd say Puma was caught in mid flex by the wonders of digital photography.

Upon closer inspection, he may be voiding his bowels in preparation for an anticipated fight with the superior males for the attention of the hotts. Of course by "anticipated fight" I mean repeated fisting by a thick, ropey veined arm clad in green polyester.
 

A group of strangers pose at
1) Jolly Green Giant canning factory
2) Soylent Green processing plant

3) just placimg a bet he would stand-in for a green light at a lit intersection.and if not, be hit.

4) Blarney/Boobie contest at Irish Pub on ST Pat's Day.
 

Yeah, Brenda, you nailed this one! I've grew up in Downers Grove, I now live in Crystal Lake, and SCHAUMBURG is smack in the middle of the two. You've given a perfect description of one of the Midwest's grade A douchevilles, and I loved reading your take on it! And I'm sure the parking lot at Barleycorn's was packed to the gills with tuned up Scions, Mitsubishis, Hondas, etc.

I wish I could arrange a field trip to Schaumburg for all the members of this site. It would be an incredible edu-ma-cational experience.
 

Last night I went to a lower-middle-class pizzaria in Menlo Park. After ordering my pitcher of beer at the bar the woman behind me ordered, "a glass of your best Chardonnay." As if this place had more than one choice of Chardonnay and as if at least one of the Chardonnay choices was not shitty.

But, Brenda, you are a high-quality suckle thigh and I'll give you a pass for ordering "wine" at the club. You'd be lucky if that glass of wine came from a box of Franzia.
 

What's David Byrne so mad about on the right?
 

@CRUCIAL HEAD: -Croosh! Are you here?
 

@Crucial Head,@Wonky: Disregard.
 

@medusa, douche unto, etc...

Chicago, as with any major metro area, has its share of douchal centers - the difference is they are relatively small here - we have no area such as Jerz - onloy small outcroppings and infestations as a whole. Wrigley has the wrigley bags and underdeveloped frat bags. Schaumburg IS the relative Jerz, but is obviously only a small area. I'll take Chi-town as a whole over any, and I mean ANY, other metro area. But it is not immune.

Bar Louie and Barleycorn are horrible. Places like that are the small bits of matter that allow db's to survive outside of Jersey. Like fecal matter for E. Coli...only worse...
 

@andy

He just realized that this is not his beautiful wife.
 

@ Sir Slaysabag

More of a Batman reference, but I did the whole Lancelot thing you've got going. Let me give a shot:

Forsooth! 'Tis I, The Scrote Knight, and I pledge my sword to your good fight, my liege. Let us ride to this 'Schaumburg' land of bleethed maidens and douched-out orcs.

On second thought, let's not go to Schaumburg. 'Tis a silly place.
 

*dig*
 

I know it was a joke but i like this idea of "adding up points". It might be cool for people's bag tags to get graded and if they hit a certain amount of points they win something? lol
 

Choadstipated Zoolander WannaBe on the right is pissed, I mean, PISSED, bra, that Anti-Bleeth Brenda snapped this piccy pic. I mean, sheesh, wouldn't you be?

Now he will take a virtual acid bath from the caustic wit of, ahem, all of us, for the rest of time.

Almost makes you feel sorry for him. And by "almost makes you feel sorry for him," I mean that it almost makes me wanna holla, go to Chicaga, and bitchslap him thru the side window of his roided-up Camry.
 

Damn! These sweet thangs - with excellent and funny bag hatred - make me want to move to chi town. they went out in the burbs just to go bag huntin!
 

"It's amazing how ridiculously clueless guys can be when they are living just outside the city of Chicago."

Darlin', I've been to Chicago many times. There are just as many "ridiculously clueless guys" living INSIDE Chicago city limits.
 

Nice Gator staredown, puma boy!
 

:Joumasedouche
Without sight of the eyebrow who can tell? Some people are defined by their artistic output, some by their personality, some by their looks. Kettlehead is defined almost entirely by his trademarked eyebrow-raise. I am not sure it is him - that shirt is, by his standards, so loose you could fit another two Kettleheads in there before he was happy it was a good fit.
 

@ Anon 3:16 6:09

Oh, wholeheartedly agreed. If I ever left Illinois, I'd leave the U.S. entirely, as there is no other place on our map that doesn't make me wanna vomit.

But I'm a tad disappointed in you for choosing Schaumburg as our mini-Jerz over Melrose Park.

Melrose Park, man.

Shit, Melrose Park and all of the surrounding suburbs.

Final exhibit.

Fuck it.NUKE. IT. ALL. FROM. ORBIT.
 

And the walls came down (baDOOOM), all the way to hell, never saw them where they're standing never saw them when they fell.

(From the Traveling Wilburys' song "Douchebag and the Monkey Man")
 

The psycho douche on the far right reminds me of Merrick from the movie "No Escape" starring Ray Leotta.
 

1990s R&B sensation Color Me Bag mingles with some of their female fans backstage at SxSW of No North. AdoptaHighway, HairplugHat and B'Lurch sang all of their biggest hits and then put the moves on two of their biggest fans after the set. The bubbly douche juice flowed all night and HairplugHat woke up with a Cleveland Steamer cause they so rock and roll.
 

This is absolutely phenomenal. For a long time, I've bemoaned the lack of Chicago-area douchebags on this website. This is understandable, of course, because of what Jersey and Staten and Long Island have to offer. But, as someone who's lived in both Chicago and Jersey, I do believe that the Suburban Chicago Douchemonster (I believe one of these was on The Real World a year or two ago) is an important species in the bestiary of douches. Thank you again, HCwDB.