"Hot but don't wanna douche".

Ladies?

"DOUUUUCHE!!!!"

Sorry.
 

But she bought the book!
 

white bikini is hott, but what's up with her distended stomach?
 

was this email written by a female and not a dude? If so, I totally misread it. Anyone?
 

I can't tell what the gender of the author is, but it seems like it was written by someone who is ever-so-slightly brain damaged. True, it's not rife with the usual errors in spelling and grammar, but the weird syntax and meandering reasoning makes my head hurt.

Either that or the margaritas I had for lunch.
 

I'm thinking man. As in, dissecting what makes a man hot, throwing out that "douche" is a category that could make one "hot", and then saying that he is "Hot, but don't wanna douche". As in, trying to qualify his douchiness by surreptitiously admitting that he tried a few catergores and they didn't work. Desperate, he seeks permission to douche, if it is a means to an end.

No. See March 15th. the "Im Getting Some" Defense. We already covered this.

Also: Most women don't misspell the word "Women". And if they do it, they spell it "Womyn" and that's a whole other website. And no woman worth her salt would admit to drinking on the job before noon.

And if I'm wrong, I will be very, VERY surprised.
 

She may not want to douche but in the interest of hygiene it might be necessary, sometimes.
 

I have no idea if the author of this letter is man, woman, Biaviian or Targzissian.

But I believe it was the great philosopher Captain Beefheart that summed this topic up far better than I ever could:

The difference between hotness and gender has roots in the simplistic notion that this really is a man’s world. At any moment, in any place, he is just a tube sock and a memory away from euphoria.

Come to think of it, that really doesn’t have anything to do with this subject. I’m just cranking Trout Mask Replica on the IPod and wondering aloud.
 

the intricacies of the douche-hott dynamic are numerous and complex. if we understood them, then we wouldn't have a website devoted to the study thereof/splooging thereon.
on another note, my roomate hangs her douchebag from the shower wall such that it resides in extreme proximity to my face while i shower, causing me more than slight discomfort. i have tried moving it several times and she refuses to "get" my passive aggression. please advise.

-snaggle douche
 

@crucial

Interesting. When I was deciding on what music I would listen to after lunch, I considered some Coltrane, perhaps Wes Montgomery. But then I realized that my dipshit coworker's endless babbling about nothing was making me grind my teeth, so I opted for something a little less nuanced, namely Lamb of God. I wonder if the lyrics to Ruin can offer some insight into this question?

This is the resolution
The end of all progress
The death of evolution
It bleeds all life away.
MEMSEKJJ!AAA@AWWWAAWWWWW....
 

Wish I knew how to find a job where I could drink while "working".
 

@ Medusa Oblongata 11:13


categories






sketchy bitch.
 

@ Crucial

Oh-kwa-tensig-wan.
 

wtf... it all made sense once WBDWD said he drinks on the job.... sheesh, & apparently he reads books (albeit ones with pictures) that's good

bleeths dust rag bikini bottom is held up by her vag mound
 

I took the author to be female as they seem overly concerned with male hotness categories and the comparative unfairness to women.

Plus, I disagree with the theory that woman have a generic "hot" criteria. True, there are some more obvious indicators of female attractiveness, but beauty remains in the eye of the beholder.

Example: Library Hot Glasses. Some guys dig, some do not. While a majority of the posters here thought Crosshair's Leia was the be-all-to-end-all of tail on this site, personally I think she needs a sandwich.
 

Additional evidence the author is female are the references to both People Magazine and House Bunny.
 

Uh.....Hot chicks are attracted to Douche Bags because they are drawn to the spectacle.

Here is how women are different from men.

Mick Jagger is really ugly and could have his way with almost any girl he wanted back in the day.

Janis Joplin was a much better singer and died a virgin.

Not every guy can be a rock star like Mick Jagger but they can fake it. Not every chick has the opportunity to knock boots and get pawned on by a rock star but they can "pretend" by giving in to the power of the douchebag.
 

@Rocky


pawed on?


I guess you could pawn these ho's.





twat.
 

@Rocky_Choad

Although Janis did say that performing was like having sex with 25,000 people and then going home alone, in reality, her bisexual escapades were pretty legendary.
 

I bet the Jonas Brothers aren't virgins, much to Disney's chagrin.
 

He's got that mandanna set at "Bret Michaels." Too bad he looks like Jean Claude Van Damme's gay little brother Lance Claude.

As for her, I'd feed her... and by that I mean have sex with her... and by that I mean utilize my penis. (I know, the paragraph came out lame. Sorry. Still need more coffee at 2:25PM).
 

They are drinking a fecal sample.
 

@Mr. White:

Great minds, my brother with the urination fascination... great minds.
 

@Douche Wayne:

I can only assume that The Coming of Tan bodes ill for the douche and bleeth alike.
 

Did anybody actually see the movie House Bunny?

No?

Well then.

Oh and this had to of been a man. He said "wicked", he's drinking beer on the job, he reads People magazine... clearly a man.
 

Jeesus, she's probably a waitress and drinks THAT way on the job, easy to take one in occasionally as long as she maintians her dignity and doesn't get carried away.

categories: correct

Men must be hott within their chosen profession, whereas women can be hott any time and any place.
This is a general rule unless you are at the beach and not sure what the male does for a living.

It all works out at the end, and by that, I mean shit.
 

Oh and what asshole doctored this picture to cut out the left tattooed hip hott? What a jerk.
 

Oh and, march madness boobies. You people who watch for the basketball games are fools.
 

I want a pony for my birthday!
 

@ Crucial (Friend Head)

That may explain the proliferation of the bizarro douche tattoos - they were afraid of losing their symbols so they had them permanently etched into their skin for when the mothership comes.
 

Maybe she's onto something. Of course, I wouldn't know because I've apparently been in the wrong category my whole life. Maybe I need to try the surfer look and I'll be hot.

Either way, I'll be happy to consider her idea here, since she did buy the book.
 

These two are so skinny they could both make a good use of a sandwich loaded down with rolled sausage, and a milkshake for dessert.

I love metaphor and allusions.
 

I'd like to quickly chime in with a thought or two on the subject, because, after all, HBDWD did indeed buy the book.

HBDWD, I invite you to consider this: When you've spent enough time studying the parade of knuckleheads presented on this site, I think you'll gradually start to see some common threads. One that I've noticed in particular is the douchebag's apotheosis of 'looking hot'. He seems to place a disproportionate amount of his attention on his appearance, obviously. But his presentation of himself is so over-the-top, so lacking in moderation and restraint, that it ends up betraying huge amounts of joylessness and false bravado.

SO, if you're a dude (there's been some confusion since your letter to DB1 didn't reveal your gender), then I implore you to NOT WORRY about whether you're 'hot' or not. It's when you start presenting yourself in a way that screams, "Please look at me! Please find my desperate, administered appearance attractive! Oh, geez, please validate me!", that you tread down the slippery slope to the dark side-- doucheosity.

Just be cool, you see what I'm saying to you?
 

Snaggle,

Aggression can be clandestine, deniable, overt, disproportionate, unprovoked, stupid or many other things, but it mostly shouldn't be "passive." I would get a waterproof sharpie and write on it: "[her name here], the discharge is turning green! Did I mix in the antibiotics wrong? Thanks for Sharing!" Be sure to dot the "i" in "Sharing" with a heart.
 

@ HBDWD

Also, do what Medusa Oblongata said and spend some time with the "I'm Getting Some" defense. It will lead you in the right direction.
 

Waaaaaaait a second... HBDWD, I think you meant for your moniker to read "Hot but DON'T WANT A douche", right?

Then it all makes sense. You're a hot babe who can't comprehend why attractive women go for douchebags, because douchebags aren't your type. NOW I get it.

Of course, I think I may have been the last one here to get it. I'm usually slow at picking up these things.

Okay then.
 

I would agree that there are possibly more categories for men than there are for women. Any man will tell you there are two categories for women: those he would and those he would not.

--VS
 

I pooped a bread twist tie out this morning
 

Since my interest in boning men lies somewhere between "Only for an AIG bonus" and "only after the elastic breaks on Yoko Ono's festering pooper", I sincerely couldn't give a rat's ass about inequalities in categorizing male hottness. I've got only two categories of hottness for women, and they relate to whether I'd have serious wood while boning them, or if their bleating or cud chewing renders me relatively soft while boning them.
 

I want to stick a doggy dick in her navel
 

@ Mr. White 11:38

...and you like Lamb Of God. your stock continues to rise. Where did you say you live, again?

@ Spell Nazi 11:45
Oh, lord, please, please, PLEASE tell me you wear a monocle. even if you don't.

@ Reader Mike 5:20
If a chick is THAT hot, she doesn't NEED to think. That's for the rest of us.
 

But back to the captured 'bag. I thought Axel Rose couldn't get worse than the cornrow look. Guess I'm wrong.

Thanks, folks. I'll be here all week.
 

@medusa

I'm an urban tumbleweed. I'll live wherever you tell me to live, darlin'.
 

$10 says HBDWD has been bagged by a scrote as we speak.
 

@Crucial wrote:

But I believe it was the great philosopher Captain Beefheart that summed this topic up far better than I ever could:
(snip)

Bah.

I say:

LONG HAIR
SHORT HAIR
WHAT THE HELLZA DIFFERENCE
ONCE THE HEAD'S BLOWED OFF?
 

@Troy T 10:06pm

I weep SALTY FUCCEN TEARSD, mi amigo.
 

Natural beauty no longer matters in the simulacrum, for there is no such thing as the "natural" as it has been displaced by the artificial. Just as a female can conceal aesthetic or intellectual mediocrity with the purchase and adornment of product, so too can the male. Whether or not males are categorized does not matter. Traditional structures of perception and judgment no longer matter; temporal trends define beauty in the age of spectacle. Gone are traditional standards and notions of "beauty"; that which is judged to be beautiful will be determined by what is currently popular, and what is currently popular is dictated to the mindless consumer by commercial and corporate pathways of semiotic dissemination.
 

So, is the large hanky around his douchie-head supposed to signify his wanting to be a pirate, a cleaning woman, or Massive Headwound Harry?
 

Man, this is soooooo vile I wanna swear a purple streak!!!!!

BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!! GET IT??? PURPLE streak???

Ok, I'll be good now...
 

That looks like Kristia from Rock of Love Season One.
 

Well, scientifically speaking, he/she/the writer is right when it comes to women. There's a pretty generic formula for beauty/attractiveness in women. Small nose, big eyes, high cheekbones, etc. Basically anything that signals youth, really, like large, perky breasts and slimness. This is moreorless culturally universal with some variations here and there.

For men, it's much more vague. Aside from symmetry of the face (which applies for both sexes), researchers haven't been able to find much. For males, it's more money, power and status that have weight more so than physical (facial) traits. That's why I think some women are drawn to the Douchebag. They wear bling, drink Grey Goose, pay for waxing and douchey haircuts, all outward signals that they have money, even if they don't. Women want to do Mick Jagger not because of the spectacle, but because he's rich and famous. And for bragging rights lol

Sorry, I've apparently taken too many Psych courses haha