Actually I think he's checking his email.
 

Or checking if he has a penis.
 

He just got a text asking if he'd like to take part in the latest VH-1 reality show, "Douchenozzle Island." In the meantime, Francine is going to do a "reality show" in my apartment called "Naked Spanky Naked Love Nasty."
 

Or prepping for the ubiquitous "Whoa! How'd my dick get outta my pants!?"
 

Just like my case of herpes, Mack the Nozzle just never goes away.
 

Francine looks like the kind of hot that brags all night about her fibrous diet, then leaves a 9 inch trout in the bowl for your massively hungover ass to find in the morning after she's gone.
 

Thank you for thank Douche Bigalow. I now have a boner, and can't leave my office for a coffee refill...

... errr, what I meant to say was, that's disgusting...
 

The epitomy of hot chick with douchebag. Francine is innocent and cute in that non-tattooed, fluffy-bunny, lickable-knee-backs kinda way. He is a giant steaming pile of rank poo. Oh, the humanity!
 

Thank you for "that"...

... so, hung over...
 

Wow, she really likes performing for the camera, huh?


Army of DOuche-ness
 

@douche bigelow

I'd let Francine deposit the aforementioned 9-inch fibrous turd on my coffee table if she'd be willing to try out for my other new reality show, "Inept Drunken Fondling."
 

DB,
If Francine would leave a "trout" in my toilet, I'd have it stuffed by a local taxidermist, and hung on my wall.
 

That's it. I can no longer look at these two. A hott of this quality should not be in the same zip code with a douche of this magnitude. All I have to say is daddy must have really done a number on her. Just get on the pole like all of the other angry youny women. Excuse me while I go stab myself in the eyes with an icepick.
 

That's actually what Nozz is looking at. Judging from her smile she just curled a blue ribbon in the litter box.
 

I hate to be one of those annoying Hall of Hott trolls but...







She deserves to be in the HoH...
 

She smiles as if to say, "Look at me daddy, I bet you wish you would have hugged me now!"
 

Mack what can I say that hasn't already been said other than.
I'd like to tattoo a ear to mouth cock and balls to match your uber douche clown mark.


Francine's boobies have me have me staring so long that I might se a sailboat in that dress.

HoH please
 

where do you keep getting these pics??? lol
 

She has the sweetest smile. I just can't hate on the nozzle as much as I know I should. She can find the good in any man. He must have some redeeming qualities. He must, please tell me he does.
 

I believe that smile says "you can put it anywhere."

I will now go imagine what it would be like in her ear.
 

Wow Nozz, I've never had anybody insert a pencil up my ass before...what do you mean that's your dick!
 

I think he's checking the congratulatory text he got from Blackberry Bob him on the weekly.

"Gd wrk bra!"
 

So when Francine ( not her real name) left my place this morning after I plugged all her fleshy openings until the sun came up again , we both had a chuckle about the text from Mack that said, "Ballz still blue from Sat night but I respect waiting til married"




And the follow up, "Plz call, I'm outside ur place but ur not here.. wanna get donuts?"
 

I'm as enamored with Francine as everyone else, but I can't help but notice she has the same plastered-on smile in every pic.
OK, she's happy and gregarious, that's nice.
If however, her expression never changed, even when love-making, it would be a little disconcerting.
In other words, while humping furiously you dared to sneak a quick peak at her reaction, and still, there it is that same, fake beauty- pageant smile, you might lose some level of concentration.



Either that, or awkwardly blow your wad , and apologize while toweling off.
 

This comment has been removed by the author.
 

Please let Wednesday come and go. I can't deal with the spectacle of Nozz fondling Francine and grinding against her backdoor...
 

Nozz: "What the.....a vestigial tail?!?
 

This comment has been removed by the author.
 

sorry; I had to make that link, because only Baron Von Goolo would know what a vestigial tail was, and he's off disguising a giant human meat grinder as a Fright Town haunted house in Portland.
 

...hmm, a vestigial trout-slap, I shall ponder this while flogging my tail and watching cake farts.
 

You know what I like the most???
 

@ Darksock

Hey, don't insult our intelligence. Plenty of us here are sexually aroused by genetic medical freaks, too.


Uh, by sexually aroused, I meant scientifically interested.

I can look no more at the fair Francine. To the river, pockets laden with stones. Goodbye, cruel world, I cannot abide a life in which she loves me not.
 

There is no God. Or Easter Bunny.

Way to ruin my Wednesday, DB1.
 

The Fall and Rise of Francine, an alternate ending


The club was thumping but Archie wasn't in the mood to party. He slumped down on the couch, dragging Francine after him.

"Congrats on the Weekly, Douchebag!" shouted a fellow scrote.

"Yeah f*ck you!" Archie yelled back. Where was the hostess? He needed another drink. Bad.

"Mack- I mean, honey," cooed Francine, "It's no big deal. It's not like you lost another fight."

Archie fixed his girlfriend with his hardest "in-the-ring" gaze. Francine immediately lowered her head and shifted noticeably in her seat.

"You think that's funny? You think that's F*cking funny? Oh, so you think numbnuts on some website making comments about your tits is funny? Do you? How 'bout I punch you in the face AGAIN? Would that be funny, huh?"

Francine raised her arm instinctively.

"Here are your drinks," said the hostess, stepping up to the table.

"I didn't order these," Archie growled, running his gaze up and down the diminutive woman in the short skirt and plunging neckline. She was pale by his standards, but definitely hott. Nice big tits too. "And you ain't our regular drink bitch, bitch."

"A Fuzzy Labia for the Hott," said the hostess, extending her tattoo sleeved arm, "And a special con-cock-tion for Mr. Nozzle."

The hostess lowered her tray and pointed to a large group standing near the main entrance. "Compliments of Mr.'s Boatbutter, Pole, Head, and company."

Archie looked in the direction the hostess pointed. A large group of men and women dressed in the dullest clothese he'd ever seen. "Fags" he thought.

As he eyed his drink suspiciously, the hostess trailed her fingers lightly across Francine's bare knee.

"What's in this?" Archie demanded, sniffing the blend, "smells like pee f'god's sake."

"What do you care, it's free. Now do us all a favor and drink it all down," the hostess commanded, placing a finger under the glass and raising it to the wanna-be fighter's lips. Archie shrugged his shoulders, nodded his head in agreement, and emptied his glass. The waitress turned to Francine and extended her hand.

The gorgeous hottie looked at her own glass. "Did you call this a Fuzzy Lady?"

"Labia, darling," she corrected, taking the young woman's hand and pulling her up from the coach.

"Where are we going?" asked Francine, a nervous smile on her face. The waitress's grip was firm yet yeilding, strong in a way she'd never felt before.

"Someplace where you'll be safe, my little kitten. You deserve better honey, and I’m the best you’ll ever get. Now come with me, I’ve got special plans for you involving candles, warm lotions, a claw-foot bathtub filled with warm buttermilk, soft restraints, and kisses where you’ve always wanted to be kissed.”

“But, but what about Archie?” asked Francine, more out of fear than concern.

“Honey, don’t worry about him,” she said sliding her arm around Francine’s thin waist, “He’ll never bother you again.”

Francine looked back to the table. Mack the Nozzle’s legs were still twitching while what was left of his lower jaw and throat spilled down through his Ed Hardy shirt in an orange, foaming stream. The empty glass fell from his lifeless hand and shattered on the dance floor.

“I guess they’ll need to pick another weekly douchebag,” laughed Francine, putting her arm around Medusa’s waist and snuggling against her shoulder.

“We always do, my dear,” Medusa said nodding to Boatbutter and his team as they passed each other. “We always do.”

As the two ladies left the club, a collective scream rose from the crowd of douche and bleeth as Flyteeth and the others pulled weapons from beneath their coats and started swinging.
 

WLEL PLAYED SCROTATOA HEAD! WELL FUCEN PALEYD!
 

I concur with Flyteeth - that story was well-inundated with TARMAL!



(And, ummmmm.....yeah, I can probably ID all the dead choads.....)
 

Is it just me, or is Francine Hott a little thicker than we had previously noticed?

Not that it's a bad thing, nice to see a hott who also enjoys an occasional sammich.

....but, jes' sayin'...
 

Indeed! The imagery portrayed by Mr. Scrotato Head fills my heart with Tarmal, and my nethers with tiny swimmers.
 

BRAVO, Mr. Scrotato Head!
 

Francine's little softness tells me she isn't a bulimic gym-rattess or crack-whore. And I would gladly feed her chocolate covered strawberries while she cupped her breasts and rubbed her delicate little knees together.






Thanks much for the props. She is my muse.


And by muse I mean "SPROING!"
 

Maybe he's petting her baby bump?

What? She's holding a drink? That never stopped some in the past.
 

@ Scrotato

that warmed the cockles of my coal black heart so deeply I would even let you videotape from the dark of the adjoining closet while I plunged into the tub with Francine for sapphic scrubbery and smooching.
 

@ Scrotato 12:22


Literary critic Lawrence Clark Powell once said "The good writer, the great writer, has what I call the three s's: the power to see, to sense, and to say..."
If he were alive today he would most certainly add another "S" to that list.
That would be the power to Scrotate, which is the ability to come up with inane, sometime rambling, off the wall shit.


You Sir, have that unique gift.
 

@ Medusa

You'd be well advised to retract your offer to our friend Scrotato, Francine and you would certainly be interrupted by the sound of furious pounding against the closet wall.
 

@Scrotum^

Thanks, much appreciated.

And Medusa and Francine would have nothing to worry about. The pounding would last but a few minutes. Best damn minutes of my life though.
 

I would tell her that the noise is coming from my bubble tea maker. Then I would slip my hand under the milky waters of the tub and get back to gently washing her nethers.
 

Damn she's hot, and damn he's a douche.
 

fuck that guy.
 

Archie the Nozz is getting kinda stale. that is the only conclusion i can draw after sitting here for 30 minutes trying to think of some stupendous mockery, and then failing to. i blame Archie.
 

But Scrotato, you cut me out of the best part! You know, when Medusa whips me with the car antenna while Francine watches and giggles eating bite-size Snickers.
 

Wait, there was another name for The Nozz. I think he was "Cage" or something like that from that douche-filled VH-1 show (I know, there are plenty) "Daisy of Love."
 

@boatbutter^

With the monthly coming up, this story has at least one more chapter. You'll get your cumuppance, oh you will.


@anon^

Old news, but thanks for raising your hand.
 

This douche is cage from daisy of love just in case nobody noticed you can see his douchieness all over that show
 

TRUE. Baby bump it appears. Poor innocent bebe.
 

I wonder how is wonderful MMA career is going.... oh, wait.
 

Whew, back to earth. Francine just doesn't look that good in this pic. I guess the X is wearin' off.