Saturday, September 26, 2009
Your Saturday Bartenderbag
There's a thousand glasses on the wall.
So what does Teddy bust to impress Kendra? Yup. Teddy runs with the Goose in an Ubiquitous Red Cup. Natch.
Not that we doubted Teddy's 'bag status. The giant white "D&G" belt buckle cinched the deal, lack of hand gestures and bling notwithstanding.
Kendra is perky, healthy and looks buff enough to probably kick my ass. Which is long overdue. For I have been a bad boy. I have forsaken my vegetables.
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Looks like your run of the mill, I-Refuse-To-Accept-My-Age-Over-The-Hillbag. Give it up homeboy, you're 37, you've had your fill of grey goose and red bull, booze and stupid belt buckles can only sustain a man for so long. Time to step aside and work on getting back those visitation rights.
And Kendra. Oh sweet and taught Kendra. I daydream of your kegel regimen. More specifically, I daydream of you using your beautiful vagina muscles to strangle my wiener.
Also known as intercourse.
What can I say, I'm your classic romantic.
And Kendra. Oh sweet and taught Kendra. I daydream of your kegel regimen. More specifically, I daydream of you using your beautiful vagina muscles to strangle my wiener.
Also known as intercourse.
What can I say, I'm your classic romantic.
# posted by 
: 1:09 PM
: 1:09 PM
Down in New Orleans we call the URC a "traveller", and by tradition you are required, if you leave a party drunk or not, to take one of these with you.
However this does not excuse the Big Ben Teddy is sporting.
Speaking of sporting big things I would gather horse apples that came from the particular equine beauty that dark sock once peed in while headbanging to Tchaikovsky's Symphonic ballade The Voyevode after Pushikin's translation of Mickiewicz just for the slim chance that I might happen to run into Kendra's weird cousin Frederika whose boobs I might fondle while sniffing her pants in hopes of catching a whiff of Kendra's CHANEL NO. 19 inadvertently deposited there while she was taking their annual family picture.
'cause I'm a bloodhound like that.
However this does not excuse the Big Ben Teddy is sporting.
Speaking of sporting big things I would gather horse apples that came from the particular equine beauty that dark sock once peed in while headbanging to Tchaikovsky's Symphonic ballade The Voyevode after Pushikin's translation of Mickiewicz just for the slim chance that I might happen to run into Kendra's weird cousin Frederika whose boobs I might fondle while sniffing her pants in hopes of catching a whiff of Kendra's CHANEL NO. 19 inadvertently deposited there while she was taking their annual family picture.
'cause I'm a bloodhound like that.
Looks like his URC just threw up on his shirt. The sheer velocity of the projectile must have blown his hair back, too...cause he wouldn't style it that way on purpose,um,...right?
And is The Hott rockin' a "vag cruci-tat"? Classy-but she is forgiven.
And is The Hott rockin' a "vag cruci-tat"? Classy-but she is forgiven.
I guess ultimately, he comes up 'dude', but there's a strong 'not-a-dude' case to be made for the one on the right.
# posted by : 2:28 PM
: 2:28 PM
"D&G"....That stands for "Douche and Goose", right?
I guess that's the biggest watch they make before you have to start wearing it around your neck and yelling "YEAH, BWEEEE!". It makes him look like a toddler wearing an adult watch. A fugly toddler.
I guess that's the biggest watch they make before you have to start wearing it around your neck and yelling "YEAH, BWEEEE!". It makes him look like a toddler wearing an adult watch. A fugly toddler.
I give him props. Many guys work out non-stop to impress the ladies, many buy fancy cars. Very few buy atomic wristwatches.
If a white belt is a half-Cleveland, white belt and shoes a full Cleveland, then what is a white belt, white shoes, and a white watch face the size of a dinner plate?
Douche hat trick? Unassisted Douchal Play?
Actaully, the Douche and Gobbler belt buckle might make it a grand slam -- and by grand slam I mean smashing this vapid-looking dolt's head off the hood of the nearest parked car. Good Lord, are there no standards left in this abysmal world?
Many mai tais are calling.
Douche hat trick? Unassisted Douchal Play?
Actaully, the Douche and Gobbler belt buckle might make it a grand slam -- and by grand slam I mean smashing this vapid-looking dolt's head off the hood of the nearest parked car. Good Lord, are there no standards left in this abysmal world?
Many mai tais are calling.
It looks like he's got some thin fingers or baby hands.
I'm not going anywhere with this, it's just off-putting.
I'm not going anywhere with this, it's just off-putting.
# posted by : 4:03 PM
: 4:03 PM
She is a tan and tatted barbie look alike. In other words, I am in love. I like the fact that the bar uses plastic.
His parents have a kick ass bar in their basement. They like to baby sit her kid. He likes to stick his head out the car window on the way to tj maxx
Umm, fake-Affliction shirt wearing poo? You see that flash of light in the corner of your eye? That's your career dissipation light. It just went into high gear.
# posted by : 4:25 PM
: 4:25 PM
Er, uh, ummm, I've never seen a yellow-bellied sapsucker anywhere but on a pine tree pecking holes like the woodpecker it is, but this babe's a fine example of an aberrant appearance of the female, out of breeding season no less...
with an abhorrent, smilin' sap she might be planning to suck, er,uh, ummm, later that evening.
with an abhorrent, smilin' sap she might be planning to suck, er,uh, ummm, later that evening.
wait a sec...
white shoes, white belt buckle, big ass watch
add on the shirt, the guyliner, and the ear ring, and you've got two full innings of douche-outs.
white shoes, white belt buckle, big ass watch
add on the shirt, the guyliner, and the ear ring, and you've got two full innings of douche-outs.
# posted by : 5:05 PM
: 5:05 PM
Never knew it was an option. Oh those crazy douches never cease to amaze me. The lengths they go for a hott is unbelievable. Oh wait, they just went to walgreens.
Yeah, I'd totally fiddle her rosaries and...
...Genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!
Who out there caught the Tom Lehrer reference?
...Genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!
Who out there caught the Tom Lehrer reference?
If I was this guy (note: yes, I would put the pistol under my chin before the sun came up), and I was within striking distance of this tart, semi-peeled lemony goodness, I'd squeeze her so tight her left grapefruit would be collapse my lung and lemonade would gush from her like a fountain.
I've said this before but it bears repeating, what is it with douchebags that they just can't hold a woman like a real man should? Teddy here has Kendra in the Philipino Middle Finger Palm Pinch, a maneuver first developed by Spanish Catholic missionaries when the islands were first conquered. It won't get you laid, but Jebus will leave a cookie on your doorstep.
Here's my scale for interpreting choad-to-hot hand contact:
Hand hovers somewhere within 1-3 inches of hott but makes no contact: "I think girls are icky but its part of the code so, whatever!" You are gay and the touch of a woman offends. Stop pretending.
Palm touches but fingers are just "that" close: Premature ejaculator. Touching the fingers to the hot simulates masturbation and sets off a Pavlovian response. Any more contact and these jeans are toast.
Palm and 1-2 fingers: Fear of Commitment Guy. Sends all the wrong signals while trying not to send all the wrong signals. If I use my full hand what will she think? That we're an item? That I want to be serious? Right now, if she's paying any attention at all, she thinks you've got no 'nads.
Full Hand: Finally, a man. A firm grasp of the woman shows ya got confidence, douche. You may have nothing else going for you, in fact given that you're a douche you've perfected as many strikes as possible against you, but at least you know how to hold a woman for a photo opportunity. Cheers, now take a drink without dribbling down your shi--- Well, we'll work on that next.
Full grasp with hand, both legs wrapped around Hott's waist, other hand on boob: Mr. Scrotato Head. Take me home Lemony Snickett, I'm a bad boy and I need to pray to your Jebus tattoo.
I've said this before but it bears repeating, what is it with douchebags that they just can't hold a woman like a real man should? Teddy here has Kendra in the Philipino Middle Finger Palm Pinch, a maneuver first developed by Spanish Catholic missionaries when the islands were first conquered. It won't get you laid, but Jebus will leave a cookie on your doorstep.
Here's my scale for interpreting choad-to-hot hand contact:
Hand hovers somewhere within 1-3 inches of hott but makes no contact: "I think girls are icky but its part of the code so, whatever!" You are gay and the touch of a woman offends. Stop pretending.
Palm touches but fingers are just "that" close: Premature ejaculator. Touching the fingers to the hot simulates masturbation and sets off a Pavlovian response. Any more contact and these jeans are toast.
Palm and 1-2 fingers: Fear of Commitment Guy. Sends all the wrong signals while trying not to send all the wrong signals. If I use my full hand what will she think? That we're an item? That I want to be serious? Right now, if she's paying any attention at all, she thinks you've got no 'nads.
Full Hand: Finally, a man. A firm grasp of the woman shows ya got confidence, douche. You may have nothing else going for you, in fact given that you're a douche you've perfected as many strikes as possible against you, but at least you know how to hold a woman for a photo opportunity. Cheers, now take a drink without dribbling down your shi--- Well, we'll work on that next.
Full grasp with hand, both legs wrapped around Hott's waist, other hand on boob: Mr. Scrotato Head. Take me home Lemony Snickett, I'm a bad boy and I need to pray to your Jebus tattoo.
# posted by : 9:43 PM
: 9:43 PM
@ Mr. S. Head
LMAO @ "Philipino Middle Finger Palm Pinch"
But what of the location of torso parts touching the hotts?
The Jimmy-Jam Jack - Some D-bags stand 18 inches away then thrust their groin in a Hott's hip bone just as the camera flashes, normally accompanied by one or both hands over the head and pants uncomfortably too far below the belt line.
It's at this moment in time we realize that manscaping has evolved from eyebrow to chest hair to now shaving betwixt the naval and pelvic bone.
It's fucking gross.
The Elbow Crook Schnook - Mother fucker's gotta HANG his stinky shit all over the hott like she's a crutch. Wait, she is a crutch, she's the only thing holding up his terminally intoxicated libido. Without her he'd be another towel-to-the-ass-snapping meathead at the gym. HAW HAW GUFFAW, Dickface...
The Vulcan Temple Meld When a shitheel decides to angle his head in an attempt to get a cheek to cheek photo/memory but instead clunks his temple against the top of a gal's head. Shooting pain is squelched so as not to appear, clumsy/stupid/uncoordinated/nitwitted/dense
Leaning Tower of Pisspants Lean in, hard. When is one these gals just gonna go all Moe Slap one of these balanitis dicks? huh?
Because we're all fans of the Stooges...
And boobies
LMAO @ "Philipino Middle Finger Palm Pinch"
But what of the location of torso parts touching the hotts?
The Jimmy-Jam Jack - Some D-bags stand 18 inches away then thrust their groin in a Hott's hip bone just as the camera flashes, normally accompanied by one or both hands over the head and pants uncomfortably too far below the belt line.
It's at this moment in time we realize that manscaping has evolved from eyebrow to chest hair to now shaving betwixt the naval and pelvic bone.
It's fucking gross.
The Elbow Crook Schnook - Mother fucker's gotta HANG his stinky shit all over the hott like she's a crutch. Wait, she is a crutch, she's the only thing holding up his terminally intoxicated libido. Without her he'd be another towel-to-the-ass-snapping meathead at the gym. HAW HAW GUFFAW, Dickface...
The Vulcan Temple Meld When a shitheel decides to angle his head in an attempt to get a cheek to cheek photo/memory but instead clunks his temple against the top of a gal's head. Shooting pain is squelched so as not to appear, clumsy/stupid/uncoordinated/nitwitted/dense
Leaning Tower of Pisspants Lean in, hard. When is one these gals just gonna go all Moe Slap one of these balanitis dicks? huh?
Because we're all fans of the Stooges...
And boobies
so....hungover....never....drinking........again.....kidneys hurt....wild turkey got me down...I feel like I just had a blood transfusion of Oliver Reed's blood, filtered through Keith Richards.....ahh fuck i'ma lay back down.....damn u skull
Oliver Reed wiki:
"Reed died of a sudden heart attack during a break from filming Gladiator in Valletta, Malta on 2 May 1999. He was 61 years old and was reported to be heavily intoxicated at the time of his death. Racking up an $866 alcohol bill, Reed had reportedly drunk three bottles of Captain Morgan's rum, eight bottles of beer and numerous doubles of Famous Grouse whisky."
Well, suddenly I don't feel like such a bad ass for drinking 3/4 of a Wild Turkey 101 fifth anymore...I still feel like a used condom that a hobo farted into....the same hobo I peed in.
gak...
"Reed died of a sudden heart attack during a break from filming Gladiator in Valletta, Malta on 2 May 1999. He was 61 years old and was reported to be heavily intoxicated at the time of his death. Racking up an $866 alcohol bill, Reed had reportedly drunk three bottles of Captain Morgan's rum, eight bottles of beer and numerous doubles of Famous Grouse whisky."
Well, suddenly I don't feel like such a bad ass for drinking 3/4 of a Wild Turkey 101 fifth anymore...I still feel like a used condom that a hobo farted into....the same hobo I peed in.
gak...
I'll never quit drinking.
My current regime of one fifth of Wild Turkey and two packs of Lucky Strikes per day has not only prevented me from contracting pneumonia or the H1N1 virus, I've also managed to stave off sobriety for nearly twenty years.
My current regime of one fifth of Wild Turkey and two packs of Lucky Strikes per day has not only prevented me from contracting pneumonia or the H1N1 virus, I've also managed to stave off sobriety for nearly twenty years.
I just got off the plane from a two week trip through Europe. I've missed you clowns!
Oh, and there is an Ed Hardy store in Amsterdam. I nearly lost my absinthe when I saw that one.
Oh, and there is an Ed Hardy store in Amsterdam. I nearly lost my absinthe when I saw that one.
all the dick, dong, and groin-related jokes i had in mind for the D&G meme were probably taken. so i won't bother.
but that doesn't mean that Teddy isn't complete poo. he is.
but that doesn't mean that Teddy isn't complete poo. he is.
Damn, the comments become like retard short bus of one-handed clapping on weekends full of wanks talking to themselves like Rainman record with a busted groove repeating the same tired track over and over.
Step away from the ice bong, ImageWrangler. Now hand it over...be a peach and pack the bowl
first....
first....
# posted by : 9:35 PM
: 9:35 PM
Greg Brady has a gay son.
Kendraclone is a generic hott. I'd look but I wouldn't feel much of anything.
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Kendraclone is a generic hott. I'd look but I wouldn't feel much of anything.
# posted by : 9:28 AM
: 9:28 AM << Home
