Judgment rendered. All you ironic fucks are still Douches.

Thanks DB 1! Let them not get away with the choadness under the guise of irony.
 

Indeed.
 

These types require that a new term be created to describe them...I propose "Douche-ettante."
 

Problem #1 with that excuse is: YOU'RE HAVING A JERSEY SHORE PARTY!

Whether or not you douche it up or bleeth it out is irrelevant. You're having an actual party for a show that CELEBRATES the virus, rather than mocks it. That's choad-worthy right there.
 

Ye gods, how do you even irono-dress up like Snooki and J-Woww? I've seen these chicks. To do an accurate Snooki impersonation, any irono-douchebaguette would have to somehow shorten herself to a height of 4'10" and adopt the shape and coloration of a basketball.

To do an accurate J-Woww would be easier. You just have to get hit in the face repeatedly with a shovel.
 

I'm pretty sure that just watching an entire episode of jersey shore makes you a giant douche by osmosis.

call it douchemosis. w/e.

Having themed parties about such a show is surely quite a bit worse.
 

I was invited to a Jersey Shore party this past weekend.

I got blackout drunk at an 80s theme party instead. I still looked like a douche, but an 80s Don Johnson douche...
 

I live in Southern California, Party Central, and have never heard of, much less been invited to, a "Jersey Shore" party.

I can explain the lack of invites as anyone who knows me knows that they would get their septum rammed into their brain for proposing such an activity, but it's a little weird I've never even heard of one, innit?

I think these people are just poorly dressed douchebags - proto-douchebags if you will - waiting for either an infusion of money or brain damage to blossom into the douche that we all know they can be.
 

Come on, Jonezy. Pastel shirts with white sport coats (sleeves up, of course) are retro cool.

In Miami. And maybe Cuba.
 

@ doucheywallnuts:

lithoscrotes?
 

yeah, but I wore white shoes, and that is auto-scrote no matter how you slice it...
 

Jonzey @9:19... Miami Vice was an excellent television program and its costuming was great.

*****

This hott has some large matronly upper arms, which is hot right now, but won't be when she hits 35 and the rest of her becames "large" and "matronly" as well.
 

It's been said but I'll say it again.

If you watch Jersey Shore, you're a douche. If you attend a gathering to watch said show, you're a big douche. If you dress up as a douche to attend a gathering to watch said show, you may as well be on the fuckin' show. Douchebag.

AV
 

The only reason that I'm going to give the background dude with the popped collar a pass is that he's putting down a forty (pronounce fō-tee) of malt liquor. Shit takes an iron gullet to get through.


Eh, on second thought, they're all douches. Fuck 'em.

With a stick.

A big one.

With thorns.

And an attached beehive of Africanized Honey Bees.

Okay I'm done.
 

It's kind of like last night's episode of the Bachelor. Jake the uber-pussy sent perhaps the hottest gal to ever be on the show, Gia Allemande, home. She's a swimsuit model that has had her nose and of course boobs done, has been in Maxim magazine along with countless ads and is smoking hot.

Have a look see:

Original Nose

After much work

She's from New York and used to date Carl Pavano, one of the biggest contract failures in the history of free agents. Dodger fans thought Don Stanhouse (almost typed "Stackhouse") and Darren Dreifort ripped them off.


Pavano is Dreifort TIMES Stanhouse with an added bonus kick in the nuts. All Pavano did was rehab for four years and fuck New York fashion models. Nice.


Why is this relevant? It's relevant because she was all prim and proper, a nice gal actually, until kicked to the curb. Then the New York City Bleeth just poured out her her as the accent reappeared through the sniffles.

It was awesome, I say:

Salty Fuccen Tears
 

@ Troy V

She's not matronly, she's just fat. You can smell the crisco coming from the pores on her back.

Carry on.
 

Disagree DB1. Embracing the douche in the name of irony (and therefor mockery) is not autodouche. Like a CIA case officer or undercover cop we sometimes must present as the enemy while working to destroy. It is an age-old tactic. But it is difficult to pull off, esp. as it may, in the case of the douche-mock, reveal the douche within (which, by definition, must be mocked). Divining the difference takes an accomplished eye but we should avoid falling to the lowest common denominator of analysis because it is hard. Otherwise, our task is unworthy and weak.
 

Would this not make all of us douches then? We sit behind computer screens and "make fun" of douchebags. Yet, here are people doing the same thing, "making fun" of the douche and tool culture in the most physical form but we call them douches? I say press on to them, continue the parties and mockery! DB1, you need to chill with the douche classifications.
 

Vin:

Tread carefully, my friend. You are walking a tightrope over douchebag canyon with that Bachelor shit.

I like Gia in tears, and would gladly throw her a pity fuck. Even before the rhinoplasty.

'Cause I'm a giver like that.
 

@Vin Douchal (9:40) Holy FUCKBALLS Gia is HOTT! And I'm looking at her pre-nosejob pic, thinking to myself "THIS she considered a problem?" Her nose was just dandy before. If you could even see her nose for the blinding awesomeness that is the rest of her.

Sir, you've given me something to think about. And by think about, I mean fap to.
 

@ Wedgie

I have never missed an episode of The Bachelor/Bachelorette in the eight years it's been running.


Being a country music singer/songwriter, I love seeing heartbreak. I'd also love to have a mutli-billion dollar network find 25 gals that will all be vying for my attention and blood engorged cockk. Even if You don't end up marrying the winner you still spend a few months sleeping with her. Not a bad deal, eh?

If this show was out a few years back when I was young enough to qualify and single, I'd have walked into ABC and said,"HEY! Who do I have to blow to be the next Bachelor!?!?!"
 

This chick looks strikingly similar to one of my friends.

I'm with Vin, I can't believe he traded Gia for that horse-faced Vienna. Good luck with her daddy issues buddy.
 

@anon 9:50

A well-reasoned argument, but allow me to counter: The people having Jersey Shore parties may be mocking, but they are not mocking enough. They may mean it ironically, but the long and the short of it is that by having a Jersey Shore party, they're celebrating the show for whatever meager entertainment a house full of orange, drunken, violent idiots can provide. These parties are the very reason the show is successful, and by extension, why the fuckwits on that show are not commanding thousands of dollars for personal appearances. Thousands of dollars each. If nobody paid attention to these fucking halfwits--all of whom would have starved to death a long time ago in any country other than America--they wouldn't be able to pull a four-figure paycheck for one night's worth of boozing and getting their photos taken with other knuckleheads.

For that? I say that anyone who has a Jersey Shore party, thereby perpetuating this monstrosity no matter what their irono-intentions are, should suffer a mighty Cocckk Punch from our very own Jean Claude.
 

i'll admit it. i went to a jersey shore pub crawl to help raise money for haiti. we all dressed up as huge jerz guids. If that makes me a douche, fine. If someone sends in a picture of me from that party, i will not request a takedown or attempt to explain it away, and i will take the verbal smackdown with humility and humor.

by the way, the overall effect of the pub crawl was a vicious mocking, not a celebration of douchosity. we did in fact run into hordes of real db's at the awful clubs we would never otherwise visit, who looked mortified and truly embarrassed. I wouldn't be surprised if some of those guys never wear ed hardy or affliction again. As far as i can tell, we provided a legitimate de-douchification public service, and raised a decent chunk of money (around $5000) for charity.
 

This comment has been removed by the author.
 

@ SSS

I can't say with certainty, but from the back of the label I'm thinking that could be Schlitz Malt Liquor. I've ridden the bull many times myself, not in many years though. Colt .45 is smooth enough for me to drink, but that's about the only one I can handle these days.
 

Mr White, while your argument to anon9:50 may seem strong at first glance, you seem angered by having parties for the show your are contributing to its success. What about this website making DB1's show "Is She Really Going Out With Him?" successful. Isn't that the same concept? Who cares if a handful of individuals are making thousands of dollars from Jersey Shore. These parties are still making fun of the douche essence. It has become more negative than ever to dress like a douche because of "The Jersey Shore" and subsequent parties. "Party on Garth! Party on Wayne!"
 

Hmm, I don't know DB1, the HCwDB picture submission guidelines state:

" . . a dude dressed in costume is not a douchebag. By definition. There are occasional exceptions to this rule, but they are rare."

It seems you are making an exception for Jersey Shore party costuming (maybe its the exception that proves the rule, whatever that means), but sadly enough such parties apparently aren't rare. I'm fine with whatever you want to do, I'm just looking for clarity in an otherwise ambiguous world.
 

I summon FUCCEN FLYTEETH!
 

@ Massengill

I'm a Steel Reserve High Gravity man myself. In college a buddy and I only drank "The Reserve" from the start of school untill Halloween (which is a HUGE fucking celebration in Santa Barbara with over 40,000 drunken idiots coming to the party) and saved all the labels, cans, bottles, caps, etc. We then made coats of "Steel" armor for costumes. God it was awesome.

Personally I find malt liquor to be an extremely effective means of drunkery. Two fōtees and you're ready to be a bad, bad man. But the average person can't take the punch of the malt, the taste is certainly an acquired one. So when I see someone ballzy enough to go down that road, I'm more inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Fuck man, now I may just go pick up some bottles of OE.
 

@anon 10:32

Good point, but here's the distinction I'd make, which perhaps wasn't clear: This website and DB1's show are explicit mocking. It's never unclear as to aim, whether it be from written commentary or the narrator of the TV show. Jersey Shore, however, is presented in documentary, not mockumentary, style. Sure, one could argue that MTV intends to make fun, but as far as I can tell, they make no outward mock.

Likewise, I went on another message board I frequent--one about TV crit--and almost giggled with glee at the thought of trashing the people on the show. But on those threads, which are heavily moderated and therefore tend to weed out the dumbest contributors, people talked without irony about how "real" and "awesome" the Jersey Shore shitheads are. I don't have empirical data to back this up, but my sense of these people, no matter how ironic they pretend or do not pretend to be, really think that the Jersey Shore choads are somehow not repugnant.
 

I get that the qualifier in DB1's conclusion is douching up for a Jersey Shore party. I hope though, that we don't find ourselves unintentionally taking the argument the other way, concluding that anyone who dresses like a douche for a party must wear the Scarlet "D", a defacto douche whether they like it or not.

I for one enjoy the photos submitted each October by baghunters dressed up as douchebags. Being labeld a douche for mocking douche through costume could have a chilling effect on this annual celebration of the uber tards. And I'd hate to lose that hard fought right.
 

WHOO FUCCEN SUMMONS ME?

OH< ITS BALLEEN. HOW YOU FUCCEN DOIN?

I OWUDL RATHER FUCCK A MOUND OF FIREANTS IWHT MY BARE FUCCEN COCCK THEN STIKK IT IN ANY JERSEY SHORER SHALPWHOAR!
 

Tarmal!
 

^You're going to get eaten by fireants if you don't SYH you gross little pesk!
 

I agree, Mr. Scrotato Head, but I think the boss's main complaint--as well as mine--is that there's a bit too much douche and not enough irony surrounding Jersey Shore parties. The Halloween pics in general have always seemed pretty clearly on the side of mock, celebrating the enjoyment that is this site, not the phenomenon itself, whereas the Jersey Shore parties (again, my subjective impression) celebrate the spectacle itself, thereby blurring the line between making fun and being a douche.


Can you tell from my lengthy, philosophical postings that I really don't feel like doing my job today? Fuccen snowy cocck-punching day after a 3-day weekend...
 

I've said it twice and I'll say it again, the "it was a Jersey Shore party" is the scrote equivalent of the professional athlete saying, "I only used steroids to heal from injury" excuse.

The first one to use it may have gotten away with it. But then every other douche/athlete sees their successful lie and follows suite.

Well I cry BULLSHIT.

Athletes use roids to gain a competitive advantage and douchebags dress up like Jersey Shore scrotes to score barely legal tail. It's that simple.

If the Jersey Shore theme was indeed a "joke," or sincere attempt at douchebag satire, then they wouldn't ask for the takedown. Because if it was a joke "supposedly" mocking the Shore, then wouldn't the display of that mockery via HCwDB further enhance that initiative? If it was authentic ironobaggery then they'd have the same attitude as Memphis Doucheworkers. If you have a good joke, why not share it with more people? But that's just the thing, it isn't really a joke. Anyone that's demands the takedown is only using the Jersey Shore facade to mask their true inner, douchey self.

I have spoken.

Or written?

I don't fuccen know man, god I'm such a douche.
 

@ANON 10:54

WHY DO YOU FCCEN HATE BALLEEN? HE SEMS LIKE GOOD, TARMAL-FEARING PEOPLE! YOU, HOWEVER< ARE A FUCCEN WHOBAG!
 

LOOK AT THE FLABBY ARMS ON THIS BITCH! SHE NEEDS TO GIVE MORE HANDJOBS AND WORK OFF THE FAT!

HEY FLYTEETH, I SAW YOUR FAMILY HOVERING ABOVE MY COOCHIE THIS MORNING AND SWATTED THEM DEAD! HAHAHA YOU'RE NEXT!
 

Okay. I wrote that ^ stuff at home. Now I'm at the office and realized something about Gia on the way over.


Jake sent her home in spite of her explosively sexy girlie parts. As I recall from his hometown date with her, her mother is a New York shrew and her brother is a

GIANT DOUCHEBAG



You only have to hang about a minute or so on that video, longer if you want to see her overwhelmed mother. I promise
 

By default, Anons have no TARMALA.
 

if you're making a scene at a bar by dressing up and preening and blowing kissy lips and faking a guido accent to get some pussy, and this makes you a douchebag, then how is dressing up like a douchebag at a party (regardless of theme) to score chicks any different?

If you literally went to a Jersey Shore party to mock douches and not to score with women who have their tatas pushed excessively out of their tops, you're either taking the mocking to a whole new level or you're not into women.

The parties may have been meant to be ironic, but the end result is often the same as the real thing: Some douched up spectacle of a guy goes home with some decent looking ladies, and the use of the douchey spectacle to achieve this is reinforced in the minds of the men and the women.

She feels validated because she "got the guy" regardless of wether he really is the douche he's dressed up like or has any of the money that he pretends he does.

He gets to score, while wearing eyeliner, fake bling, and a ginormous watch.

I fail to see where the irony comes in.
 

Vin:
Respect. Let's just hope the answer to your "who do I have to blow" question isn't Simon Cowell.
 

Mr White, since we are guessing on whims and using no empirical evidence to back up our final claims, I would guess that these persons in the TV-internet threads who idolize anyone on The Jersey Shore are just in fact the same disgusting minority we post on this site with pictures. I believe the momentum has begun against the douchebag culture because of this website, the TV shows, and yes, even Jersey Shore parties. I end my rant Mr White and you too DB1 in saying we agree to disagree. Good-day
 

@DOROTY FUCCEN THUNDERTHIGHGS

YOURE FUCCEN TEDIOUS>!
 

@ DB1

My verdict is this, dressing up for a "Jersey Shore" or "Douche" party is not autoscrote.

Making an excuse and/or requesting a takedown for it is.
 

Ironic baggery is a form of hipsterbaggery, which is douche. ('Cept on Halloween, which is your one day of leniency.)

The proper way to view Jersey Shore would be to do so sporting a crew-cut, normal lips, a properly-buttoned shirt, and normal-looking skin. Preferrably on your own couch, in your own house. Which is not on wheels. And is paid for. By a job.
 

I think St. Thomas Aquinas summed it up best in "Summa Theologica" circa 1270 A.D.:

"Verily, it can be said that J-Woww hast the qualities of a degenerate whore."
 

@ Vin D., 10:58 AM:

Does that skinny white beyotch have her own name tattooed on her right wrist?

SHEEEEESH!!!

She'd better be one hot lay to put up with all the stupid drama the she undoubtedly brings along.
 

The 'bags can be sufficiently and mercilessly mocked w/o dressing like one. It just seems like too fine a line to walk IMO.

Halloween is the only exception.

AV
 

I'm with DB1 on this. You may act ironic, but you still get excited when the chicks pay more attention to you due to the Ed Hardy and mandana. Therefore I call you hypocrite and may you suffer in vats of boiling Axe body spray and self-tanner in Hell.
 

Jersey Shore is on MTV. Auto-douche if you watch MTV.

Now DB1's show is on VH1, which does not a douche make. Those that watch VH1 are just pitiful and have no lives.

Very different from being a douche. Sort of...
 

Okay, focus, fellers.

We're talking about Gia here.

Would THIS PHOTO qualify her as a Friday Ass Pear?
 

jersey glorifies the guido-douche lifestyle. if these idiots were universally mocked or derided then i would have no problem with this show...instead mtv is validationg their lifestyle.

the son of sam rules should apply here...if david berkowitz can't make money off of his crimes while imprisoned then snooki and the situation should not gain celebrity in it's loosest definition for their crimes against society.

i'm conflicted on the ironic jersey shore parties. on the one hand they seem like john mayer-esque attempts to cover douchery with irony (the dress up a turd approach), but on the other hand it usually involves boobies.
 

@Jacques

DB1's show is on MTV, not VH-1. Check the logo on this very page.




Goober.
 

@ blair and condouchious -

say what you will, but it was potent mockery in the case of our jersey shore pub crawl. I would see your point if i tried to use mayer-esque ironobaggery as a gimmick to lure women that night. However, most of us went with dates or longtime girlfriends/spouses, so there really was no alterior motive. These women were into us long before we dressed up as greasescrotes.

look, i fully understand the risks inherent to any non-halloween douche dress-up function. I just think this draconian bright-line "auto-douche" approach is a little dogmatic and not entirely reasonable. How about a case-by-case analysis, with a rebuttable presumption of douchery? That way the accused ironobag can at least present some evidence before excommunication from the baghunting community
 

@Fact Check Nazi & Jacques,

Your arguments are retarded. VH1 and MTV are sister stations owned by Viacom.

Different shits in the same toilet.

Cockk swaddles.
 

Intent plays the largest role here.

- If you're douching up purely for attention for attention's sake, you're scrote.
- If you're douching it up for Hallowe'en, then look at the reason why. If it's to get on here for the mock, then it's fine. If it's all you own and/or really truly want only to look like the doofuses on that show, then you're just a choad.
- If you're doing for attention as memphis doucheworkers did, then as it's for a wonderful cause, it earns you a huge notta pass. What better way to garner attention than to look like a complete fucking twatwaffle? But if in the end you're able to tell horrified onlookers, "Hey, we're raising money for Haiti," then they'll pat you on the back, probably buy a round, and donate more money as well.

That pretty much sums up what I think everyone's been trying to say already.
 

@Axe: Good call. And Rupert Murdoch owns Fox which owns Viacom. Do you guys see where he's going with this? Fox: Your source for a fair, well-balanced stool sample (and some decent cartoons).
 

^ Woops scratch that. Guess Murdoch failed in his takeover bid... here's a list of all the channels the new Viacom owns (the old Viacom is now CBS).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_assets_owned_by_Viacom
 

Is cock swaddle related to twat waffle? Like, cousins or something?

Just curious.
 

At IHOP you can get your twat waffles with a side of cock swaddle.
 

@ Fact Check Nazi and Axe's of Power

Whatever, I wouldn't know because I don't watch TV. I'm a hipster art fag pseduo-intellectual who reads books and views TV as a form of mind control aimed at subjugating the stupid and blithering masses like yourselves. I read sociology textbooks, the Economist, and Jack Kerouac while imbibing Shiraz and cave aged Swiss Gruyère cheeses.

Everybody here knows that. What's your problem?
 

^ on the bright side, at least we know what a twat swaddle is.
 

Jacques:

You are scaring me. You aren't one of those guys that thinks the Feds are beaming mind control rays at us through the T.V., do you? Wearing a collander lined with aluminum foil and two little clothes hangers for antennae?

Say it ain't so, brother Doucheteau.
 

That's recockulous. I beleive no such thing.

It's the Trilateral Commission that controls our daily lives. Though their methods are far more benign. They just promote an unsustainable existance for humankind, purely for the sake of short term profit and control. Foil hats will not protect you from their brainwashing techniques. Meanwhile, they continue to work behind the scenes to create the one world government, consolodating all power in the world into a new world order of capitalist oppression.
 

"Mind control rays". Now that's just silly.
 

look for Amanda to invoke the Jersey Shore Party clause in her next attempt to get a nottableeth pass from HCwDB.

okay i'm sorry Amanda. you don't need to be judged like that.

















































you just need some moral self belief.

... now i know how black people feel when they read Jacques Doucheteau's posts.
 

in related news, sporting apparel / products launched by the dregs of Jersey Shore is autodouche. even if it's for Halloween.

fuck these pieces of shit.
 

he posted this picture, and he dresses up like this for any party that he can justify it at