Wednesday, February 17, 2010
HCwDB of the Week: David Crapperfield and Rachel Hottenstein
In a light, holiday impacted vote, The belly tumor magic of David Crapperfield and Rachel Hottenstein came out solid winners (losers) in the Weekly. The voters speak:
Mr. Biggs: Crapperfield all the way. No ironic stance, no origins from some race of douchebags and that's just what he does - Crapperfield is serious, motivated, and dedicated to being a douchebag.
Horace Dangleballs: Crapperfield and Rachel for the weekly even though background voodoo mama in her floral housefrock is giving me a serious case of bad juju. Then again, her voodoo may explain his top hat a la Baron Samedi. Let us hope she put that freakish zombie back into his pit and taught the lovely Rachel some of the dark arts.
Evil Otto: David Crapperfield. What the hell is wrong with that man's torso? Is an alien seconds away from bursting through his left side? Is part of his colon about to explode, showering everyone around him with blood and poo? He must win, because he might only have seconds left to live and I don't want him to die unhappy.
Fatness: David Crapperfield, because just looking at him has made my hangover 10 times worse. Maybe Charo will comfort me.
Bob: David Crapperfield and Rachel are the essence of HCwDB winners. The garish clothing, shaved chest (not even fresh shaved), shirtlessness, overdeveloped abs, dumb tatts, and GSR are all classic bag traits. Rachel is all that is lustworthy and sticks-in-your-mind-for-days that a winning hott should be. But mostly, it's the alien gestating in his gut, ready to burst out. Crappy's so self-absorbed, he doesn't even notice.
Mr. Choad's Wild Ride: This is like all those couples who pose together in front of the Statue of David only to have a smaller-than-average dong in their picture. However, instead of a renaissance masterpiece we are treated to a forelorn looking rhino.
creature: DC gets my vote for having the worlds largest kidney stone, rachel cuz I wanna play tom-tom on her tummy & the broad in the bg who stopped in the "Animal House" grocery store for "nothing today" cuz I want to whale on that gut with a canoe paddle!
Douche shower and shave: This turd smuggler is neither a magician or a charector from a Dickins story. He is though a large pile of guano festering and rotting in a unwashed dumpster somewhere in Detroit.
scrotecles: I'll go Crapperfield FTW...I can smell him through my laptop. His whole look reeks of smeg and HotPockets.
Anonne Huntress: David Crapperfield ftw. Because men shouldn't be dressed up as trollops.
Fat, Drunk and Douchey: sweet Meadow Soprano hott calls to me. Her dead behind the eyes stare has me longing for an afternoon of feverish lovemaking and hours upon hours of apologizing.
Eh Tu Douche?: Crapperfield and Rachel for the win as they epitomize all that is HCwDB. I'm still baffled as to what is protruding from his body under the angel tattoo.
doucheywallnuts: Crapperfield, as manscara always trumps other forms of douchery, both subtle and otherwise. Plus his bleeth is on a par with Charo and far better than the 3-headed pig fest accompanying Crapachino.
Chris in 'Baghdad: David Crapperfield takes the cake on this one. The only magic this choad has going is Douchebag magic.
Erin: Crapperfield, he's more dead behind the eyes than a Kardashian. Is this a douchey interpretation of Steampunk?
douche equis: The Crapper. #2 looks dress-up-douche, and Chinholio, while offensive, doesn't rise to the level required to beat the Crapper. Guyliner puts you way ahead in any level-of-douche competition of which I'm a judge.
The all "poo" theme'd Weekly resulted in Tony Crappachino and Marco Chinholio coming in a distant second and third, respectively.
Abdouchah the Butcher: Tony Crapachino gets my vote for his kissy-face and his carefully pulled open shirt w/ sideways peace sign. TC FTW.
Melvil_Duchi: Marco Chinholio and Charo. I think his "soul patch" is beginning to lose its glue or is it just magic marker? Charo is Cuchi-Cuchi and by that I mean cuchi
Dicy: Tony Crapachino and the Three Hotties FTW. Because sometimes the professional pictures in clubs just don't do it for me. But the real life taint that super sweet girls like Elle Sue and Jen have to deal with is what this site is all about. And this is why we mock.
Spiny Norman: I throw my support to Chinholio. First, I like the fake doggie poo references. Second, although douchiness can be about trying to hard, trying too hard to be a douche is too damn much. The Brothers Crap, Tony and David, are both trying to look like yutzes (yes, they succeed, but let's not reward them.) Chinholio is what he is. Third, he is what I'd expect Bizarro World Apollo Ohno to look like. Finally, he needs some TP for his bunghole. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
Douchesquire: Which brings us to Tony, who exudes crap form every pore, who thinks he is the man when surrounded by a bevy of chunky-Nott's, rockin the kissy face and 13 hairs on his scrawny chest. I want to eviscerate him with a garden trowel and laugh as stray dogs play tug of war with the entrails. and yes, flame thrower him. Tony Crapachino FTW.
Snoop Douchey Bagg: Chinholio because (amongst many other douche attributes) appears to be wearing a leftover Members Only jacket.
But lets let Troy Tempest take us home:
David Crapperfield FTW, because a million poodles drag their pudenda on the carpet from the itch of a billion fleas from a thousand bedouin camels who abandoned their desert posts on dromedary rumps. And it's all because of Crapperfield's magic poo
And one more, Paul Muad'douche, the Kwisatz Scroterach, to explain DC and RH:
I just spent $410 on a brand new Callaway FT-9 Driver. I would gladly sacrifice it for the opportunity to smash David Crapperfield with it in the chiclets seven or eight times. The gold-plated chain, especially, fires my ire, although the tophat-shirtlessness-guyliner combination is quite risible as well. I would shave with a deli slicer to have Rachel blow my shofar.
Abracadouchebra!! Book 'em in the Monthly. And the DB1 for coffee.
Comments:
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@ Massengil
"It" = Rabbit Boiler
Be careful, sir.
"Brian is an alcoholic who will not admit he's one. Anyone who can down an entire bottle of wine himself in one night is an alcoholic. Anyone who drinks two cocktails and two-three glasses of wine with dinner is an alcoholic or has a serious drinking problem."
Damn. I'm a ninja alkie then.
"It" = Rabbit Boiler
Be careful, sir.
"Brian is an alcoholic who will not admit he's one. Anyone who can down an entire bottle of wine himself in one night is an alcoholic. Anyone who drinks two cocktails and two-three glasses of wine with dinner is an alcoholic or has a serious drinking problem."
Damn. I'm a ninja alkie then.
# posted by 
: 7:38 AM
: 7:38 AM
Yeah, I can drink more than an entire bottle of wine in one night, too. I'm sure I could do a bottle in under an hour. And by "bottle" I mean "box."
Because that's how I roll.
There was a great list of reasons why Brian is a dick on the second page that included the fact that he wouldn't pick up a Paris mug or Planet Hollywood sweats while he was in Vegas. Bitch he broke up with you, he's not buying you presents.
Because that's how I roll.
There was a great list of reasons why Brian is a dick on the second page that included the fact that he wouldn't pick up a Paris mug or Planet Hollywood sweats while he was in Vegas. Bitch he broke up with you, he's not buying you presents.
@DC's Lil Gestating Alien (7:36) - we might have to find where Crappy lives, and nuke the site from orbit. Both to eliminate you (cause really, I've seen what your larger brethren can do, and it scares me), and to rid the world of Crappy and his outfit. I mean really, it's gayer than the counsellors at Catholic Bible Camp. And nuking is the only way to be sure.
@ Massengill
I am a little intrigued with your psycho blogging friend , "writergal".
A little alchyhol between she and I and a solid grudge fucking may be apropos. Of course I would insist on giving her a solid ass pummelfuck and a porno-worthy facial.
Then I could spend the next three weeks avoiding her and watch for the hilarious blog activity.
That kinda shit would be fun
I am a little intrigued with your psycho blogging friend , "writergal".
A little alchyhol between she and I and a solid grudge fucking may be apropos. Of course I would insist on giving her a solid ass pummelfuck and a porno-worthy facial.
Then I could spend the next three weeks avoiding her and watch for the hilarious blog activity.
That kinda shit would be fun
Good Lord, according to Writer Gal, everyone I know or have ever met is an alcoholic.
Jeez, no wonder our economy is in such deep doo-doo.
Fuck it, I need a drink.
Jeez, no wonder our economy is in such deep doo-doo.
Fuck it, I need a drink.
Holy Jeebus! I hope that "Brian" got a restraining order against Writergal. This chick is certifiable.
According to her everyone that I give a shit about is an insensitive alcoholic. Party on Wayne!
According to her everyone that I give a shit about is an insensitive alcoholic. Party on Wayne!
# posted by : 10:33 AM
: 10:33 AM
@ Massengill
Awww, wonderful. Thank you. Seriously boys and girls, I do think I am really going insane at the moment. It comes and goes, and February seems to be peak season. I honestly thought I oughta get locked up for a few days for some R&R and mayhaps some clinically administered relaxing agents (then it doesn't count as a relapse--I have it all figured out) And then I read the first entry of this blog, and no more.
HOLY EFFIN COW.
I feel much better. Thank you!
"Brian is an alcoholic who will not admit he's one. Anyone who can down an entire bottle of wine himself in one night is an alcoholic. Anyone who drinks two cocktails and two-three glasses of wine with dinner is an alcoholic or has a serious drinking problem." <---I haven't had a drink in 13 years. And I'd still call anyone who drinks an entire bottle of wine in an evening a fucking lightweight.
Wine? Sorry kids, drinking wine with the sole intention of getting drunk is for pussies. It's like eating chicken breast sandwiches in the hopes of getting fat. Fuck you, get some Duck Fat Fries from Hot Doug's, wash it down with a super big gulp of Mountain Dew and then get ready for lunch.
WriterGal. you don't even have a clue what an alcoholic is. Let's say Mr. Brian is 6 ft tall and 220 lbs. A bottle of wine ain't shit to a guy that size. It wouldn't have been shit to me, and I'm 5'5, 113. (much heavier in the drinking years, but still not all that big).
She wonders why he refuses to talk to her....I think the blog more than answers that question. I'd be afraid of getting my cock cut off or something. She bitches about how horrible and selfish and rude he was---but, wah wah, I need him. Get your shit together, you bloodsucking sea hag!!! Get some help and take a fucking pill and get on with it.
However, that was kind of her to include a photo, now the rest of the men on earth can steer WAY clear. There needs to be some Kate Gosselin list or something, like the FBI's most wanted, of batshit crazy women that are NOT wanted, by ANYONE.
Thanks again, Massengill. I got it pretty good today. At least I KNOW I'm fucking whacked.
Awww, wonderful. Thank you. Seriously boys and girls, I do think I am really going insane at the moment. It comes and goes, and February seems to be peak season. I honestly thought I oughta get locked up for a few days for some R&R and mayhaps some clinically administered relaxing agents (then it doesn't count as a relapse--I have it all figured out) And then I read the first entry of this blog, and no more.
HOLY EFFIN COW.
I feel much better. Thank you!
"Brian is an alcoholic who will not admit he's one. Anyone who can down an entire bottle of wine himself in one night is an alcoholic. Anyone who drinks two cocktails and two-three glasses of wine with dinner is an alcoholic or has a serious drinking problem." <---I haven't had a drink in 13 years. And I'd still call anyone who drinks an entire bottle of wine in an evening a fucking lightweight.
Wine? Sorry kids, drinking wine with the sole intention of getting drunk is for pussies. It's like eating chicken breast sandwiches in the hopes of getting fat. Fuck you, get some Duck Fat Fries from Hot Doug's, wash it down with a super big gulp of Mountain Dew and then get ready for lunch.
WriterGal. you don't even have a clue what an alcoholic is. Let's say Mr. Brian is 6 ft tall and 220 lbs. A bottle of wine ain't shit to a guy that size. It wouldn't have been shit to me, and I'm 5'5, 113. (much heavier in the drinking years, but still not all that big).
She wonders why he refuses to talk to her....I think the blog more than answers that question. I'd be afraid of getting my cock cut off or something. She bitches about how horrible and selfish and rude he was---but, wah wah, I need him. Get your shit together, you bloodsucking sea hag!!! Get some help and take a fucking pill and get on with it.
However, that was kind of her to include a photo, now the rest of the men on earth can steer WAY clear. There needs to be some Kate Gosselin list or something, like the FBI's most wanted, of batshit crazy women that are NOT wanted, by ANYONE.
Thanks again, Massengill. I got it pretty good today. At least I KNOW I'm fucking whacked.
It may be heartless of me, but i find it amusing that many girls/women assume that putting their words in writing gives those words some kind of added weight/power than when they are merely spoken, no matter how vapid or chattering they are.
While this used to be limited to personal letters between two parties, the interweb and blogs exposes the rest of the population to every inane thought which crosses their delusional mind.
While this used to be limited to personal letters between two parties, the interweb and blogs exposes the rest of the population to every inane thought which crosses their delusional mind.
All's I'm saying is that no one has ever seen "Writer-Girl" and Sheldon in the same room together...hence...THEY ARE ONE AND THE SAME! Compare the two photos...LOOK AT THEM DAMN YOU!!! cue 50's sci-fi shock music..."BOM-BOM-BAWWWWMMMM!"".
You see how I tied the crazy rabbit-boiler girl back to the Sheldon topic? See how I did that?
Yeah...
Yeah...
Nice work, Darksock. A threadjacker like me has a lot to learn from a master like yourself. And I'm not even talking about peeing in anyone's butts. Yet.
Jus' had to stop by again for a laugh, Mr. Crapperfield's got my vote.
He would make a great duet partner for Adam Lambert... ohhh, but David C ain't gay.
He would make a great duet partner for Adam Lambert... ohhh, but David C ain't gay.
# posted by : 12:34 PM
: 12:34 PM
the truly frightening question is, who / what in the world has the cajones to consume and digest David Crapperfield's ab tumor?
I went for the classicist that is Crappachino, but DC is a prestidoucheitator indeed: looking at this picture makes my lunch disappear everytime.
--VS
--VS
# posted by : 5:13 PM
: 5:13 PM
Alas and alack, I certainly voted for the Crapperfeller here, and somehow managed to make it into DB1's Hall of Mock, but I just can't remember the last time I said anything clever enough to make it into the weekly (or monthly)mocker column. Was it MOOBY? I'm crawlin' into a hole.
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