Thursday, February 25, 2010
Ask DB1: Midwestern Barbaggery
----
Dear DB1,
It appears that the douchebaggery of the world has invaded the midwest, which up until this point has been pretty low on the bagger-scale, corrupting those I considered friends into tight v-neck wearing, diamonds in the ears, hat tilted, tribal tatted, tanning bed inhabiting, grade A douches.
It seems that the "everybody's doing it" mentality of the douchebag has convinced my friends and acquaintances that it is okay to do so.
What can I do to convince them that it's ruining their lives by living this ed hardy infested world? My methods don't seem to be working and I come to you for your expert opinion.
Thanks in advance -
-BarBag-91
----
Cultural spread of the douchepocalypse can only be resisted through the power of the collective societal mock, BB91. Once douches face massive ridicule for their silly hair, tight t-shirts, douche-face and hat tilt, only then will they stop.
Ed Hardy jokes, delivered in a sarcastic tone and from a safe distance in the direction of douches hitting on hot chicks, will begin to help alleviate the problem. From there, move on to cracks about gel and hair spike. Then hit on their girlfriend when they're in the bathroom.
Comments:
<< Home
BB91,
I disagree with the boss.
For the love of God, save yourself man. RUN, RUN FAST AND RUN FAR! Get new friends!
If all your friends started coming down with leprosy, would you still hang around with them, sharing wet naps and fruit smoothies, while their disfigured noses, ears and fingers fell to the floor?
Hell no.
Again I say RUN.
I disagree with the boss.
For the love of God, save yourself man. RUN, RUN FAST AND RUN FAR! Get new friends!
If all your friends started coming down with leprosy, would you still hang around with them, sharing wet naps and fruit smoothies, while their disfigured noses, ears and fingers fell to the floor?
Hell no.
Again I say RUN.
Besides the shirt, it looks like a normal group of friends at the bar. Cutie in the middle inspires anything but normal thoughts.
There is an old story that goes something like this: missionaries had brought doctors and western medicine deep into the rain forest and into this village. After getting over some initial fear, the natives began to depend upon western medicine. But sadly, one day the missionaries and doctors moved on. The natives, wanting western medicine, began to dress like doctors and make crude instruments out of bamboo and flint. They imitated the doctors. They poked and prodded each other, doing way more harm than good. It's a historic fact.
That is what I see in this pic. These douche wannabes saw real douches on TV or during a weekend on the Jersey shore, and thought this is how you get close to hotties. They don't really capture the essence of douchitude, and any proximity to hotties is complete coincidence. They are twisted and sad, and should be put down.
That is what I see in this pic. These douche wannabes saw real douches on TV or during a weekend on the Jersey shore, and thought this is how you get close to hotties. They don't really capture the essence of douchitude, and any proximity to hotties is complete coincidence. They are twisted and sad, and should be put down.
# posted by 
: 9:35 AM
: 9:35 AM
BB91
as easily susceptible to the grieco virus as they are, your 'pals' were bound to fail you at some point or other. 'cutie in the middle' with her magenta dipped split enz has already succumbed... she'll probably blow the lot of them after a couple of cocktails (not that that's a bad thing)
and ofcourse there's something wrong with them, they're from the midwest! take scrotum pole's advice, "run!"
as easily susceptible to the grieco virus as they are, your 'pals' were bound to fail you at some point or other. 'cutie in the middle' with her magenta dipped split enz has already succumbed... she'll probably blow the lot of them after a couple of cocktails (not that that's a bad thing)
and ofcourse there's something wrong with them, they're from the midwest! take scrotum pole's advice, "run!"
Why would a nice looking redhead dye her roots brown like that?
And why would she surround herself with the Midwest cover band, "Beastly Boys"?
And why would she surround herself with the Midwest cover band, "Beastly Boys"?
"It appears that the douchebaggery of the world has invaded the midwest, which up until this point has been pretty low on the bagger-scale"
You're not from Chicago, are you, Bar-Bag...?
We are an epicenter of douche, seismic, at that. I would imagine the midwestern plague started here and spread throughout. My apologies to Indiana, Iowa and Wisconsin. We spawned Donkey Douche, Fish Slap and Chandlerbag...the Midwest has been teeming for some time, it just didn't reach peak saturation until now.
You're not from Chicago, are you, Bar-Bag...?
We are an epicenter of douche, seismic, at that. I would imagine the midwestern plague started here and spread throughout. My apologies to Indiana, Iowa and Wisconsin. We spawned Donkey Douche, Fish Slap and Chandlerbag...the Midwest has been teeming for some time, it just didn't reach peak saturation until now.
Simply mocking the douche is insufficient to turn them away from the path to choadwankery, unless you command the scrote's respect. Being dim-witted herd creatures, the douche will ignore corrective action if the source is seen as foreign to the herd, or "posse". One must instill a sense of calm submission in the douche before applying corrective measures.
In my day, we would conduct these exercises by maintaining a positive energy, approaching the 'bag as leader of his pack, and, while an assistant filmed, shanking him up the ass. I took no pleasure in it, because that would have been gay. No, like securing your spot in the prison hierarchy, or sealing the mega-deal with an Arab client, it was strictly business.
nowadays, such strict behavioral modification is unnecessary due to the increased power of social networks and shame. Exercising control over the scrotal herd member's attention can be as simple as getting a picture of his girlfriend posted on /b/ with your name written on her tits. Either way, you are now free to begin proper behavior modification. Preferably with a shovel.
In my day, we would conduct these exercises by maintaining a positive energy, approaching the 'bag as leader of his pack, and, while an assistant filmed, shanking him up the ass. I took no pleasure in it, because that would have been gay. No, like securing your spot in the prison hierarchy, or sealing the mega-deal with an Arab client, it was strictly business.
nowadays, such strict behavioral modification is unnecessary due to the increased power of social networks and shame. Exercising control over the scrotal herd member's attention can be as simple as getting a picture of his girlfriend posted on /b/ with your name written on her tits. Either way, you are now free to begin proper behavior modification. Preferably with a shovel.
SSS,
I don't think it's possible to drink more than the Midwest already does. I went to the University of Wisconsin where I believe the current record at detox is 0.64%, with death usually occurring around 0.5%. Also, in Wisconsin your first DUI is simply a ticket, not even a misdemeanor on your record.
I don't think it's possible to drink more than the Midwest already does. I went to the University of Wisconsin where I believe the current record at detox is 0.64%, with death usually occurring around 0.5%. Also, in Wisconsin your first DUI is simply a ticket, not even a misdemeanor on your record.
# posted by : 10:12 AM
: 10:12 AM
try black tar heroin.
it won't stop them from being douches but at least you'll probably drag a few down with you and die young.
it won't stop them from being douches but at least you'll probably drag a few down with you and die young.
# posted by : 10:19 AM
: 10:19 AM
Corona, Yakov Smirnoff, Tony the Tiger, and Security. What a crew. And apparently the economy is so bad in the midwest that they can't afford 6 pound watches
The midwest, always being a couple of years behind the coasts, is always good to catch onto the tail end of an idiotic trend. It's where LA and NY dump their trendy clothes when it has fallen out of fashion there. We apologize for that but we had so much left Z Cavarichi that we had to send it somewhere and Saudi Arabia kept sending it back.
And this photo looks like the final four of the Eliot Yamin look-alike contest.
And this photo looks like the final four of the Eliot Yamin look-alike contest.
Barbag-91
Your friends are following what they see as the sure fire, modern day path to p*ssy. If they're scoring Hotts, its probably all over. If they aren't, then you have some chance of rescuing them. After all, what's the point of spending $100 on an Ed Hardy tee and going home alone when that can get you four quality hummers behind the grain silos on Lincoln Avenue?
Your job, my friend, is to score more p*ssy then they are, and not scanky bleeth p*ssy, but good old fashioned Mid-Western, girl-next-door p*ssy. I've seen it and it's pretty damn good. You need to show that the average dude can do pretty damn good and for a third the cost.
And then you've got to rub it in their face. Not your juice covered cockk, that's just plain gay. Unless of course you think it would make an impact. Even new douchebags tend to be a bit slow on the uptake. Then again, you could rub the p*ssy in their face, but if you're able to make those kind of arrangements, I got some airline tickets for you and your ladies to SLC and a couple days of vacation to burn. I'll bring the Jack Daniels, nipple clamps, and Book of Mormon.
@End the Haberdouchery^
In Wisconsin your first DUI is cause for celebration. Especially if you were driving you snow mobile.
Your friends are following what they see as the sure fire, modern day path to p*ssy. If they're scoring Hotts, its probably all over. If they aren't, then you have some chance of rescuing them. After all, what's the point of spending $100 on an Ed Hardy tee and going home alone when that can get you four quality hummers behind the grain silos on Lincoln Avenue?
Your job, my friend, is to score more p*ssy then they are, and not scanky bleeth p*ssy, but good old fashioned Mid-Western, girl-next-door p*ssy. I've seen it and it's pretty damn good. You need to show that the average dude can do pretty damn good and for a third the cost.
And then you've got to rub it in their face. Not your juice covered cockk, that's just plain gay. Unless of course you think it would make an impact. Even new douchebags tend to be a bit slow on the uptake. Then again, you could rub the p*ssy in their face, but if you're able to make those kind of arrangements, I got some airline tickets for you and your ladies to SLC and a couple days of vacation to burn. I'll bring the Jack Daniels, nipple clamps, and Book of Mormon.
@End the Haberdouchery^
In Wisconsin your first DUI is cause for celebration. Especially if you were driving you snow mobile.
# posted by : 10:27 AM
: 10:27 AM
@Medusa: I tried to get that electric douche barrier installed at Rush and Bellevue but funding was diverted to some river in Romeoville. Fools. Now look what's happened.
@Medusa Oblongata We have our own epicenters right here with South Bend, Indianapolis, Ball State, and IU Bloomington. A preponderance of fratbags.
Indiana has been clusterbombed by douche.
Indiana has been clusterbombed by douche.
THE...OHIO...STATE...UNIVERSITY.
60,000 kids swept up in the idea that bag & bleeth are "cool." As Medusa said - the virus is alive and *well* here in the Midwest.
BB91 - I too disagree with the boss.
Do the real midwestern thing. Laugh & ruthlessly mock your buddy to his face, in front of his girlfriend and her friends. Continue to do this for the remainder of the evening while getting hammered beyond rational explanation. As you well know, a fight will break out at the end of the night, and your "friend" will reveal the true reason for exploiting the fad that the "coasts" stole from Europe and Japan (is Hello Kitty next CA?).
Once your friend reveals the truth, the healing can begin.
60,000 kids swept up in the idea that bag & bleeth are "cool." As Medusa said - the virus is alive and *well* here in the Midwest.
BB91 - I too disagree with the boss.
Do the real midwestern thing. Laugh & ruthlessly mock your buddy to his face, in front of his girlfriend and her friends. Continue to do this for the remainder of the evening while getting hammered beyond rational explanation. As you well know, a fight will break out at the end of the night, and your "friend" will reveal the true reason for exploiting the fad that the "coasts" stole from Europe and Japan (is Hello Kitty next CA?).
Once your friend reveals the truth, the healing can begin.
# posted by : 10:44 AM
: 10:44 AM
Where you been, BB91?
Modern douchery as we now know it was actually invented in Wrigleyville in the early eighties.
AV
Modern douchery as we now know it was actually invented in Wrigleyville in the early eighties.
AV
# posted by : 10:56 AM
: 10:56 AM
I sure am jealous of all the Midwest douchebags, can't really find any in Southern California.
Well, except for those people on Real Housewives of Orange County.
Well, except for those people on Real Housewives of Orange County.
BB91:
As a Midwesterner living in Seattle, I understand how harrowing it must be to see the invasion taking place before your eyes. But rest assured, friend, there is hope!
Like many have mentioned, the scourge of the choad is a brainless, mob-led gang which imitates what it sees as the most efficient way to scoring hotts. The best way to combat this is to take the fight to them and bring your A-game.
My favorite thing to do is walk into a bar or club rife with wankery, dressed in jeans and maybe a button-down or comfy t-shirt and proceed to walk to the first hott I see surrounded by pud. I then question her moral upbringing and her creativity, asking her all methods inquiries as to why she would want to be seen with "people" who obviously show no individuality or abstract thinking.
When the choadwanks eventually recover and either act aggressive or try and cocky, I usually drop some Nietzche or Dostoyezsky on them and following it up by scratching my head and grunting like an ape -- for effect, you know.
Granted, I'm 6'4" and usually roll with 3 other large dudes, so it's easy to get away with such shenannignas, but you get the point.
Believe it or not, as long as you maintain the attitude that you are vastly superior (and you are! Never forget that!) and maintain good spatial awareness, you'll more often than not walk away with at least digits at the end of the night, if not the hott on your arm. With the rate at which these scrotes are multiplying, it is actually becoming EASIER to set yourself apart as THE person she wants to be with, as opposed to Ed Hardy Option 1, Ed Hardy Option 2, or I Couldn't Afford An Ed Hardy So I Wore This Security Shirt Option 3.
Try it, and your friends will see the light.
As a Midwesterner living in Seattle, I understand how harrowing it must be to see the invasion taking place before your eyes. But rest assured, friend, there is hope!
Like many have mentioned, the scourge of the choad is a brainless, mob-led gang which imitates what it sees as the most efficient way to scoring hotts. The best way to combat this is to take the fight to them and bring your A-game.
My favorite thing to do is walk into a bar or club rife with wankery, dressed in jeans and maybe a button-down or comfy t-shirt and proceed to walk to the first hott I see surrounded by pud. I then question her moral upbringing and her creativity, asking her all methods inquiries as to why she would want to be seen with "people" who obviously show no individuality or abstract thinking.
When the choadwanks eventually recover and either act aggressive or try and cocky, I usually drop some Nietzche or Dostoyezsky on them and following it up by scratching my head and grunting like an ape -- for effect, you know.
Granted, I'm 6'4" and usually roll with 3 other large dudes, so it's easy to get away with such shenannignas, but you get the point.
Believe it or not, as long as you maintain the attitude that you are vastly superior (and you are! Never forget that!) and maintain good spatial awareness, you'll more often than not walk away with at least digits at the end of the night, if not the hott on your arm. With the rate at which these scrotes are multiplying, it is actually becoming EASIER to set yourself apart as THE person she wants to be with, as opposed to Ed Hardy Option 1, Ed Hardy Option 2, or I Couldn't Afford An Ed Hardy So I Wore This Security Shirt Option 3.
Try it, and your friends will see the light.
# posted by : 10:58 AM
: 10:58 AM
@ End the Haberdouchery
I know all about the Midwestern love of booze, my pops is from Ohio and I've made several drunken trips to Columbus to watch my beloved Buckeyes spank the shit out of slow Big Ten teams at the 'Shoe.
And while I admire Wisconsin's downright approval of imbibing, one can always drink more. Always. It will take some effort and painful mornings, but it can be done.
'Tis the American way.
And why watch your friends spiral down into the depths of douchedom sober? It's simply unnecessary. There's nothing you can do, they will either figure out the ridiculousness of the "lifestyle", or will barrel into the point of no return. It's in Richard Grieco's hands.
I know all about the Midwestern love of booze, my pops is from Ohio and I've made several drunken trips to Columbus to watch my beloved Buckeyes spank the shit out of slow Big Ten teams at the 'Shoe.
And while I admire Wisconsin's downright approval of imbibing, one can always drink more. Always. It will take some effort and painful mornings, but it can be done.
'Tis the American way.
And why watch your friends spiral down into the depths of douchedom sober? It's simply unnecessary. There's nothing you can do, they will either figure out the ridiculousness of the "lifestyle", or will barrel into the point of no return. It's in Richard Grieco's hands.
# posted by : 10:59 AM
: 10:59 AM
Apologies to Prince for screwing up his rhyme scheme....
I was working part time in a
shitty Quincy bar
My boss was Boston Douchebag
He told me several times that he didn't like my kind
'Cause I wasn't quite illiterate
Seems that I was busy doing something close to nothing
But different than the day before
That's when I did her
Ooh, I did her
She wanted it in her out door, out door
(CHORUS)
She wore some
raspberry split ends
The kind you dye using Cherry Jell-O
Raspberry split ends
And if I were warm she would
wear my spooge
Raspberry split ends
I think I don't...know her name
I was working part time in a
shitty Quincy bar
My boss was Boston Douchebag
He told me several times that he didn't like my kind
'Cause I wasn't quite illiterate
Seems that I was busy doing something close to nothing
But different than the day before
That's when I did her
Ooh, I did her
She wanted it in her out door, out door
(CHORUS)
She wore some
raspberry split ends
The kind you dye using Cherry Jell-O
Raspberry split ends
And if I were warm she would
wear my spooge
Raspberry split ends
I think I don't...know her name
OSU has O H - I O,
UW has Eat Shit! - Fuck You!
It almost makes up for having a consistently horrible quarterback and skill players with no hand-eye coordination.
UW has Eat Shit! - Fuck You!
It almost makes up for having a consistently horrible quarterback and skill players with no hand-eye coordination.
# posted by : 11:45 AM
: 11:45 AM
Just like the GI Joe PSA's used to say, "Knowing is half the battle". Some Quaker-esque friendly persuasion, along with a bit of mock, should do the trick for the first stage of de-douching. (btw, if there is ever a toon hall of hott, I nominate GI Joe's Lady Jaye)
And let us all appreciate the photo as a textbook scenario for use of the term "a puddling of douchebags".
And let us all appreciate the photo as a textbook scenario for use of the term "a puddling of douchebags".
# posted by : 11:50 AM
: 11:50 AM
@ Fatness
Awful, isn't it? I'm too sickened to actually look at those pics to send them in. Good work, sir. Now hold my hair while I projectile vomit, if you would be so kind.
Awful, isn't it? I'm too sickened to actually look at those pics to send them in. Good work, sir. Now hold my hair while I projectile vomit, if you would be so kind.
Fekkin kids, drinking overpriced mexican swill...please drive drunk on a lonely tree-lined road, ya wrist-banded shit-stains. (I'd bet a grand that at least one of them drives a dented '99 Eclipse.)
The girl is cute...she could be my daught...wtf? Holy fucking christ...one of these days, I'm going to be breaking news on CNN when I take one of these greasy wads down for looking at my kid.
The girl is cute...she could be my daught...wtf? Holy fucking christ...one of these days, I'm going to be breaking news on CNN when I take one of these greasy wads down for looking at my kid.
# posted by : 7:56 PM
: 7:56 PM
whoa whoa whoa no cracks about gel and hair spike. i don't want some douchebag invoking the Axe Hair Crisis Relief in their defense.
on second thought, maybe i do.
on second thought, maybe i do.
There have always been these types in the great Midwest, not to be confused with the Great Plains of states west of the Missouri River.
A little more pocket money enables them to be modern douchebags in the outfits and hair gels and massive tatt parade(and skank accesspry).
Be careful how you mock them: they may pull out a gun, a knife, or fart in your face, or remove the air from your tires. For these are just hoods in new clothing.
A little more pocket money enables them to be modern douchebags in the outfits and hair gels and massive tatt parade(and skank accesspry).
Be careful how you mock them: they may pull out a gun, a knife, or fart in your face, or remove the air from your tires. For these are just hoods in new clothing.
# posted by : 7:49 PM
: 7:49 PM
I recommend the Louisville Slugger approach.
I know, I know...they're your friends. But remember with each satisfying thud and sickening crunch, that you aren't killing your friend. You're killing the douche INSIDE your friend.
And THAT'S when the healing can begin.
Post a Comment
I know, I know...they're your friends. But remember with each satisfying thud and sickening crunch, that you aren't killing your friend. You're killing the douche INSIDE your friend.
And THAT'S when the healing can begin.
# posted by : 10:19 AM
: 10:19 AM << Home
