First!
 

That's Eva Angalina at 2:30 on the right.
 

So true, that rant. Douchebaggery is all about perpetual instant gratification, i.e. "gettin' some."

There is no substance necessary to the douchebag. If he's crushin' pussy and getting high-fived by his broheims, then he's somebody. Today.

"Who gives a fuck about tomorrow, right? I'm gettin' it NOW!"

But hell, we've covered all this before here many times. The rest of society needs to catch up, and that's why we need to continue mocking.
 

Trent: I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from. Okay? You're a bad man. You're a bad man, Mikey. You're a bad man, bad man.
 

And if I mis-spelled "Eva Angalina", tough shit. If you have to search, you don't need to know. What am I, the guy who knows how to spell every porn star's name. How THE FUCK do I know if it's Bree OlsOn or OlsEn?
 

Head. Makes rattling sounds. Not good.

Vin - thanks for being a good sport.

I know what kind of music you're talking about - me likey. Not right NOW... Right now I have Music for Airports soothing my cranium, to be followed by French Baroque (Marais, Couperin, etc.).

Good luck with all that. Are you guys going to play at SXSW this year? There's a non-zero probability I might be there, as in, I probably won't but if a certain set of circumstances align, I will.

alt-country stuff is big in the central valley - from Tehachapi to Reading. You should be able to find a plenty big audience.

Now, I have brunch waiting for me.

rattle-rattle-rattle...

Yarg...
 

Thanks Adam Carolla, for laying it out for me. I don't get laid cuz I refuse to be a choad. What a fucking dilemma. Well I'm going to get some gel, cuz I've got a fauxhawk to build. Peeing in a horse isn't enough for me.
 

And by the way fuck the bagman name. I am jimmymanners!!! Fuck the Clemson kicker. I've been jimmymanners way longer then a kicker from a second rate football power. I was jimmymanners before his dad's balls descended, let alone spit him out.
 

Mmmm! Intense anger on a Sunday morning is delicious!
 

Brunch is complete, and I now have enough caffiene in me to give a brontosaurus a stroke, and I am almost awake. and what do I see?

Adam "Toyoter" Carolla going on about the bags and the bleeths.

It's all true. What he said.

I sometimes fear our collective mock will have no effect, and we will all be swept up by the fascist douchebag express in their retarded and fearsome quest to GET SOME.
 

When the picture of Fung popped up I actually crapped a little in my pants.

Not exactly the way to start your Sunday morning, thanks.



Ps. Fuck Fung!
 

Hey DB1, I am sincerely interested in your thoughts regarding what we are supposed to take from this? I mean, is the point that those of us who are decent guys but lack a "schtick" really OUGHT to get laid a lot more than we do? I was out last night and watched douchebags go home with women JUST because those DBs were willing to wait it out long enough for those women to get drunk enough and bored enough to go home with them. Is the fact that I am unwilling to play that game a sign that I lose at the game of life or that I win?

As a male, I am going to judge myself by how much I get laid, yes. But I am also (hopefully) going to judge myself by other accomplishments in life, some of which will directly correlate with NOT being the kind of person who has a "thing" that they use to pick up women.

Adam Carolla depresses me here because he seems to be suggesting that we should teach our children that getting laid is really the ultimate goal. I'm all for getting laid, but what is HCwDB's ideal world? Is it one in which normal guys are surrounded by the eponymous HCs, or is it one in which the DBs do not continue to debase themselves because they value absolutely nothing over getting laid? In other words, are we all on here just complaining that we don't get laid enough, or is there a purpose beyond that (admittedly valid) complaint?
 

Hey, if Adam Corolla wants his kid to grow up to be a douche, more power to him. Like father, like son.

Oh, please lead us, wise Adam, co-creator of "The Man Show," a Comedy Central crapfest that's just a televised, unfunny version of 8 out of 10 drunken bar conversations that occur every night across this great land. By all means, eschew personal integrity or having a thought in your head just so you can stick your rod into as many vapid whores as you possibly can. That's a life well lived.

Shit head.
 

Adam Carolla is a douche & he never crushed a puss that his car did not roll over!
 

The true path, young anon grasshopper(in keeping with the weekends asian theme), is to find a way to stand out, to be unique, without being a douche about it. It's a fine line and most don't walk it well, but it can be done.
 

I want to hatt on Carolla because of "The Man Show" as well, but I find myself constantly agreeing with him whenever I hear his podcast. He's usually the Smartest Guy In The Room.
 

but who points the finger? if one finds a way to stand out, there will always be others to point their finger and say "douche". the existence of the douche is intrinsic to the pursuit of sexual conquest; an inescapable reality of our current societal matrix.
 

There is no real answer Anon. Just know that the first hott to get a tramp stamp was unique, the millionth is just a sheep.
 

^ #1 was trash too
 

Fuck Adam Corolla; I heard on the news the other day that none of his brakes work. Or something.

The moral of his rant: many, not all mind you but many hotts are vapid shallow and stupid. Why? Because they CAN be. Blonde, slender with full lips and big ol' cans? Here's your nottathought pass from society. Those ditzy twats, and the air-humping poon hounds that chase them, piss-nostrils flared, are who we mock. And I personally have no interest in saving or reforming them; I just greatly enjoy ridiculing their silly narcissistic asses, much like the massive rush o' satisfaction I got at my 10 & 20 year high school reunions, seeing the preening peacocks of the 80's, the football heroes and prom queens and preppies and cool kids laid low with bald spots, paunched guts and their fat spouses and idiot kids in tow while me and the other class nerds show up in the sweet rides with good looking spouses and 6-figure salaries. You see, THAT is the part of the equation Mr. Corolla leaves off: life is a marathon, not a sprint. So haul ass, Stackhouse; the peers you dismiss, the non-pussy crushing hard working kids with brains and integrity, are already tailgrabbin' your ass.
 

thanks darksock

im going to resume my studies now
 

Nice work on the video.
 

@DarkSock
Amen. Couldn't have said it any better myself. Besides, I'm into brunettes with real tits and real personalities myself.
 

@ Mr. White

Say what you will about Adam Corolla, but god damn it, you leave "The Man Show" out of this. It was an entertaining smattering of beer drinking, fart jokes, and penis humor.

And of course, women on trampolines.

WOMEN ON TRAMPOLINES!!!

So you watch your mathmatical tongue.

Or else I'll sulk. Hard. And you don't want that shit on your head.
 

RUSTY!!!
 

@Jimmymanners

Much cooler call sign than Bagman.


@Anon ^10:41

As long as a person fixates on image and what others think of them, life will not be good. Douchebags are douchebags because they believe it's what's on the outside that counts. And why shouldn't they? That's what nearly every aspect of pop culture and our consumer economy tells them. Certainly on occasion the doofus gets the girl (The 40-Year Old Virgin), but it's always played for laughs and most everyone walks out of the theatre agreeing "that would never happen".

Carolla, even as he's dissecting pop culture is pop culture. He's reinforcing shitty perceptions. He's getting you to conclude that the hotties left with the douches because somehow the douches had something you didn't.

Well, to a certain extent they did. They had a game plan. A pretty revolting and debased gameplan, but a game plan nonetheless. Who's to say if you hadn't approached the hotties earlier in the evening with confidence and some semblance of a plan, that you wouldn't have gotten lucky? If a hott turns you down because she's looking over your shoulder at the douchebags at the bar, well then you didn't miss much and you won't need penicillin.

I would argue, and I think the baghuntresses would agree, that many hotties in situations like this simply go home. They look around the bar and see the non-douches just sitting there and they're thinking to themselves "Come on dude, I'm right f*cking here. I don't want a scrote, but I would like someone with balls."

Be the balls, Anon, be the balls.
 

I'm with DarkSock on this one, except I don't even bother with the reunions.

You see these guys manning cell phone kiosks at every mall in America. Dudes my age who fucked away their prime (literally) that do this are just goddamn pathetic. But, hey, they have their memories of when they were the shit. (snicker)
 

I personally agree with Adam and Darksock. Combine the two theories. You have an awesome puss crushing festival that will get you through your thirties, with a more mature relationship possibility in your later years.
 

Good talk darksock.
 

Here's the deal kids: Let's say there's this chick, let's call her "some dumb skank" for lack of a better name (credit D. Attell). So, SDS has a major thing for douchebags. She complains about how they treat her, yet she keeps going for the same guys. SDS therefore has some emotional issues, most likely low-self esteem. She puts up with douchebags bullshit because she doesn't think that she is worth anything more. Honestly, if you want the kind of women that are into greased up, fake tan, big fucking watch, mandanna wearing choadwanks... well then you should probably join the Legion of Douche and go buy some Ed Hardy.

However, what you should realize is that chicks like Some Dumb Skank who are into douchebags have low self esteem, daddy issues and assorted other problems that make them WANT the drama, the disappointment and the STDs that come from chasing douchebags.

So, the moral of the story: if she's into douchebags, forget her. Walk the fuck away. Don't be the guy who tries to "save" all the SDSes out there. That shit doesn't work. If they are into choad, let her go. If she realizes it was a mistake and comes back to you, welcome her with open arms, but use a rubber. Her going douche may be temporary, but herpes is forever.
 

There is nothing wrong with scoring with the bleeths. They want the same thing you do, meaningless sex. Everything has its place.

Some women you just don't bring home to meet the parents. Some you do.
 

U - S - A!

U - S - A!

U - S - A!

Fuuuuuuucckkk Canada!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!!

I really could not find a better reason to start drinking heavily at 12pm on Sunday than watching the US take it to those dirty Canucks in their own sport! Wooo!

That is all, please return to your regularly scheduled activities.

Which hopefully involves drinking.

Ps. U - S - A!
 

Stackhouse was basically right.
 

AMEN! JEEEEESUS!
 

It all depends on what makes you happy. If you're happy with the one woman you're married to, and you're relieved you don't have to go out to bars with the douchebags anymore, and you don't regret that now that you've got a kid you're not going to be a playa even though you probably weren't even close to being a playa during your single days, and you look at the pictures with a can't-believe-I-used-to-do-that-to-try-to-land-that-not-that-I-ever-did mockery rather than any hatred or jealousy, then you can just accept that there are douchebags and they're gonna land hot chicks cause its a primal thing and that's just the way life works.

It is what it is. Great work bernethy.
 

And I think Carolla is kind of a douchebag. The Man Show was great in it's infancy, but once it got a following both Kimmel and Carolla, but particularly the latter got really full of themselves and started doing sex talk shows and Girls Gone Wild. The stumbled over that fine line between mocking and desiring.
 

Everyone should study the poetry of Stacky if they want to crush p*ssy on the reg.

He does it and still finds time to earn multiple degrees, sports honors, and mirror time.
 

Now that my head has stopped rattling, I reveiwed the carolla piece, and I agree with darksock.

And now for your edification I found on the interwebs:

Governor Palin tells us what is really going on.
 

@ Troy

"Former" Governer Palin...

She quit so she could go on the coast-to-coast 'tard tour, remember?
 

@Troy

What does politics have to do with bashing douchebags we are jealous of?
 

@SSS

Aw, c'mon man, no sulking. I hear your point re: women on trampolines, but let me counter: In this day and age, I can easily enjoy women doing many more things with much less clothing on the internet, free of charge, while enjoying a fine brew, without having Adam Corolla and Jimmy Kimmel interfering.

My main grip with The Man Show was just lazy writing. Did I laugh at some of the home tips from porn stars? I did, but that was as good as it got. I just hate that "oh, look at me, I'm so un-PC" crap. Many people have done it much better. I found Sam Kinison funny as hell, in part because he didn't have to remind me every 10 seconds about what a big, bad, un-PC man's man he was. He just wrote funny shit. Corolla and Kimmel relied on it for their whole shtick instead of just being funny.
 

Well said, Mr. Scrotato Head. We ladies do appreciate a man with a plan, and a pinch of confidence, just not too much confidence. (We need respect too)

Watch out for indecisive, lying, cheating, obsessive, immature, humorless, predatory, skanky, and otherwise self-absorbed women. If she's interested in anything other than getting to know you, for who you are, then she's got a game plan.

Often guys are periphery for me. The ones who stand out:

-carry a flashlight... everywhere
-have extensive knowledge of computers, computer networks and The Simpsons

Finally, I must admit that I would love a guy tell me what he would do in order to catch a glimpse of my absentmindedly discarded ubiquitous red cup, or nibble on my shoulder, or dry hump my pillow... Strangely, it's kind of, um romantic.
 

@Erin

I carry a flashlight built into a swiss army knife. Does that score any points in your book?
 

@erin

I can recite a disturbingly large amount of Simpsons dialogue from memory, and I would do so while being forced to listen to Adam Corolla for hours on end, just to see if you have any Rare Blue Cups in your home.

How's that?
 

@clam fist 12.54:

Nothing. I just thought it was funny is all.
 

No credit offered to the HCwDB site for those pics. Adam, that's a big douchebag move.
 

@ Mr. White

I agree, but at the start of "The Man Show" the plethora of obscene viewing pleasures on the internet were only starting to blossom, and for a teenager, women on trampolines was absolutely genius. "The Man Show" was juvenile at best, but it did have it moments, and I will continue to stand by its valid place in my adolesence.

In summation, blame Canada.
 

@sss

I enjoyed the Man Show. You are right. What else was really on that was as fun. Most people still had dial up.
 

@Mr. Scrotato Head: I agree.
The only things you ever really need are: 1)World-Champion Self-Esteem 2)Great Conversation Skills 3)A tiny bit of external presentation skills.

Anything more than that has a tendency to degrade into dandyist puffery and excessive "game".
 

NOOOOOOO!!!

Fuck Canada and fuck Labätt!!!
 

I'm giving it time, but I'm 99% sure that the death of scrotewankery will only come about through violence. How do I arrive at this conclusion?

Let us start with the root cause. Women are to blame for the existence of douche. The entire spectacle exists, as Mr. Carolla so aptly discussed, because vagina owners re-enforce this absurd behavior. Why do they re-enforce this behavior? Every woman is after an Alpha. Not necessarily knuckle-dragging college football captain Alpha but a man who has, at one point when the timing was right, displayed their Alpha male-ness when a woman is watching.

Our society has pinnacled and decayed to the point where Alpha is no longer displayed through act of merit or strength, but though the peacock (emphasis on cock) show and dance that is the douchebag. The shtick is "oooh he stands out, he's X". Never mind that "X" is counterproductive to survival.

Hence, if normal, quiet, intelligent, strong, resourceful men like 75% of us are wish to reset the "Alpha" image, it will require the tearing down of this illusory wall that douche is Alpha, and the abandonment of the principle that violence is inherently bad. We must accept that violence itself is a morally neutral term, but the necessity and application of violence is what gives it a moral polarization. We must accept the fact that we as humans are animal by nature, embrace this fact, and rise up and publicly beat the shit out of the douchebags.

I'm not calling for the revolution now, I'm simply stating what I believe to be the inevitability of fate.

Two things will happen before the revolution.

First, doucheitude will reach a peak crescendo past which it cannot grow any larger. Second, a primmer event will occur during this crescendo that will mobilize the masses into action.

I pray it does not end in the deaths of the orange, ed-hardied, overgroomed, unoriginal slime, but rather beatings just severe enough to teach them a valuable lesson about self-esteem, self-image, following the crowd, and selling their souls for poon. Until that crescendo is reached, until that primer pops, we mock. Mercilessly and relentlessly we must mock.
 

@ gaijindouche

what your theory discounts is the adaptability of douche. I remember witnessing the preppy/fratbag douche explosion of the early '80's, followed by the ridiculous mod/ska outbreak, which led to the punk acceptability scourge & then the scull/flame t-shirt, facial hair, body piercing, bandana, pirate in shorts pandemic... you see the scrote is gonna don whatever costume he sees other tools scoring with... the douche adapts... it's like chaos theory. sadly, I'm afraid nuclear weapons may be necessary
 

Today I went to Wal-Mart to pick up some charcoal. While I sat in a quiet corner of the store debating the merits of standard Kingsford, mesquite, or hickory, locally made or brand name... I heard from the aisle across from me: "Is that an Ed Hardy purse?!?!" "No, it's just a knockoff." "Oh, well I LOVE it!!!"

Apparently my sigh of disgust, "IUUghgh!!" was audible enough to shut down the conversation, because only silence followed.

I rounded the corner to find a woman in her late 40's wearing tight black jeans and an Ed Hardy t-shirt standing there with her husband, a fat-ish, doofy looking moron with a bad goatee making an obvious attempt as a couple to not look their age. I guess the wannabe whore with the knockoff period splatter purse had left by then.

The woman looked in good order for a grudge fuck or five to make her feel young enough again as to not try so hard to look young. She WAS beautiful (for any age) sadly, and had an incredible body to match.

He looked lost, not that he couldn't find his way around the store, but lost as in: 'standing with the vacant stare of a soulless ape who knows he is way past his prime and it's only a matter of time before the neighboring troupe raids his troupe's territory and kills and consumes him.'

It was so sad on so many levels that all anger drained from me, I said a silent prayer for the fate of humanity and went on my way.
 

@creature

I would hope to not irradiate the entire planet for sake of a fungal infection, however we must keep our options open.

The time will come when everyday Joe in jeans and a t-shirt and Vans (exactly what I'm wearing now, scarily), will rise up and exercise the fantasy of driving an elbow into a douchebag's trachea.
 

Gaijindouche, where the hell you been man?

Welcome back to the patheon of mock, your services are much needed.
 

RE: The Man Show


Ziggy zoggy ziggy zoggy oy oy oy, ziggy zoggy ziggy zoggy oy oy oy.
 

@Jurassic Douche,

Brunettes with real boobs and real personalities? Damn straight.

@Baron Von D,

Welcome back. And I agree. No reunions for me. Besides the few friends I did have in school, I cuold give a flying fucc about everyone else. Half are probably dead anyways since most were in street gangs at the time.

@DarkSock & Scrotato Head,

Your rants are always a good way to wipe away the bitter fuccen tears I'm crying IN MY FUCCEN OFFICE on a Sunday afternoon.

Fuccen busy as fucc.

Wouldn't be so bad if I was getting paid better. Client's be gouging my balls big time.

Fucc stoopid work.
 

Wow croosh, you missed the big hockey game to work instead???

LULZ!
 

@Massengill,

Was it the Mighty Ducks against the Pittsburgh Pirates?
 

@Massengill,

Was it the Mighty Ducks against the Pittsburgh Pirates?
 

Went to a nice French restaurant Friday night with friends and had the ideal seat. Right across the way in the table behind was this pretty young thing conservatively dressed with HUGE tits. And they were real, too. Sweater puppies of magnanimous proportions. My god, they altered the rotation of the earth around the sun. Of course, she was seated with her douchebag BF - muscled up, tribal tats on one arm wearing a tight t-shirt and jeans.

Arrrgh.
 

@ pv1

blatant ripoff of the Fox Inn, formerly of WLA... this far out old German cat would say that before draining mugs of beer in 1.5 seconds(or less)... even while standing on his head. he'd down some 40 mugs a night entertaining the crowd singing & out chugging all comers... classic.


come to think of it, there was nothing original about the man show... including the trampoline

@ Gaijindouche

I hear you brother
 

@ crucial head

idk, I don't turn the television on on Sundays. I can't, I'm Mormon.
 

SSS,

I've been lurking.
 

We all know this, but it seems others are catching on...

Hot chicks can save the world
 

This comment has been removed by the author.
 

No way are they sexually viable in my generation's book.

They're laughing-stocks, which is why we mock.
 

Carolla doesn't always get everything right, but he is one funny ass motherfucker and he gets about 90% of it. I listen to every show.
 

I will say this in Corolla's defense; he didn't encourage douchey behavior, he simply reiterated the message of HCwDB and pointed out douchery's effectiveness for scoring snatch. His observations were the same ones that we make everyday about the myriad forms of douchepud.

Pretty sure that he was joking about giving his son a schtick, because in all honesty, his son already has one, "hi I'm the son of millionaire Adam Carolla, nice to meet you, want to jump in my Benz and head home?" And the terminology he used to describe the "playas" wasn't exactly flattering.

Besides, the guy was fuccen titts on "Crank Yankers." God that show was funny. He gets an automatic "nottadouche" from me for that gem.
 

Thank you for the post!
 

You win the Olympics. Stay thirsty.
 

Sad but true, sorry Deebs. Woman pursues schtick, it's a fact and it always will be. even the "just a guy" has taken on a life of its own as the hipster nerds embraced it, took out the smug and pumped up the schlub and there you have it.

Yours truly is guilty as well; as a young crusty punkette, I sought out not just a mohawk, but the biggest , greenest mohawk in the joint. When I stopped being interested in the swizzle-stick physique and began to crave more meat, I found the Angus-beefiest dudes in the place, one genome away from Musk Ox.

Now that I'm thinking about it, even my interest in Italians falls into the pattern. Of course, I don't mean I'm into the chest-shaven, swaggering dago greaseball type, I mean I look(ed) for the most genetically Italian ones I could get: The strongest, most aquiline noses, the thickest, darkest hair, hoping that came with a matching chest-pelt, the heaviest brows and darkest eyes--almost a caricature of the native Italian. Save for the fact that he's a little on the tall side and a little on the thin side, you don't get much more stereotypical Italian features than Mr. Biscotti. It wasn't going to be enough to be a blue-eyed or blonde Italian (and there are tons, believe me), he had to be as full-tilt as possible.

It's simply in our nature, to be drawn to what pleases out synapses the most; the lions with the biggest, darkest manes get the most lionesses. The Peacock with the brightest tail display gets the most pea hens. Sad to say, douche gets the most women nowadays, as the preppy choad did in the '80s, as the Lounge Lizard did in the '70s, as the Mod weenie did in the '60s.

All women have an archetype that they pursue. However, be true to yourself when you choose yours. If you're just a nerd, be a damn nerd and hold out for the nerd girls, they'll appreciate you. If you're a redneck, hold out for the girl with the 6-pack and the camo booty shorts, you'll be in bog heaven.

But, if you want hot slot and you want it now, douche is the current answer. You'll get what you want, but lose your soul in the process. You'll die the slow death as described by Scrotato, DarkSock, Guns-N-Douches et. al. above. And then you will meet Gaijindouche's Final Solution. I only hope as you stand and be judged before your maker, wearing Ed Hardy was worth it.

BTW a woman came in asking for a rose and I showed her a few. Finally she said, "Like the Ed Hardy one, you know?" I said no, I didn't, and quickly turned away so she would not see my left eyelid twitching.
 

Hey Fish Slap, where ya been pal?
 

Fuck me.
 

@ Medusa 11:43 PM,

i had a similar experience today. i was watching The Crazies earlier today and one of the ads in the 30-minute pre-show advertisements was touting Ed Hardy cell phone cases. FUCK i was considering breaking the window of the projection room.
 

Adam Carolla is probably as close as we can get in mainstream entertainment when it comes to calling out douchebags for what they are.

but the majority of the dirty work still has to be done by the rank and file hag hunters / huntresses. meh.
 

re: Medusa's post above

THAT is why we covet Librarian Hotts: nerdy girls hiding a killer tigress behind their tweed skirts, over-sized glasses and tightly pulled back hair....ummmm brb.....
 

@Medusa Oblongata: I hate to add something I've learned from [dirty word] the pickup artist community, but it goes exactly with what you said.


If you develop your appearance, and it's a very direct reflection of things in your soul that you:{are, love, admire sincerely}, then a few changes can go to your favor, as some of the 'work' will've already been done by the time she sees you.

And she will see you, because women are always the first to choose.

Not only that, but if there is something notable about your appearance, it can give a girl who already wants a talk to you an excuse to do so more and earlier.


That being said; just please don't take it too far like douchebags, or Mystery.
It's just noticeable, a little remarkable, style. Not buffonery.
 

I can watch this over and over again. Most adept use of visual cues... though admittedly, there's plenty to choose from.
 

^^Anon - to develop your appearence to reflect who you are is one thing. To develop your appearance to reflect something you're NOT is what defines a douche.

For example, I saw a douchebag today in the market. Leather jacket, pony tail, carefully quaffed stubble... but I looked him right in the eyes and saw the sleazy poo inside. This man wasn't a rebel without a cause, he wasn't some lone brooding hardass, he wasn't a tortured poet. He was just your typical preening douchebag who stands in front of the mirror obsessing about what look is the most awesome one to cultivate.

And this is the seed women are choosing to fertilize their wombs. The zombie apocalypse starts at conception.
 

"You get punished for not being a bullshit artist." That was the whole show, in one line. Classic. That's what I say to women who've dated one too many douchebags.
 

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