Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Ask DB1: I Can Haz Preposterous?
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Douchebag1,
I've been studying for the bar exam all summer and I am in need of something truly and absolutely preposterous. I am one week from the exam and need to feel better about my sorry existence.
X-Lax, Gunny and Samurai Scrote have not been able to deliver the 1-2 punch I've been needing as of late. My soul is empty. Please, please help.
Humbly,
Kierkegaardouche
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You got it, K.
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Cindy glued the ass-hair goatee onto the chin of her 3D Douchebag Puzzle as an authentic final touch.
Doug Bradley, afraid of being typecast because of repeatedly playing the role of "Pinhead," tried to go a different route as "Puzzlehead." Sadly, it did not bring in any new roles.
He was shattered after being kicked out of the Blue Man Group. But instead of letting life get him down, he picked up the pieces and moved on.
Every time Stan thought about a three way with Trixie and Darlene he got blue-balled, horny and fell to pieces.
Trixie and Darlene saved thousands by buying the "Do-It-Yourself RealDoll Papa Smurf" kit; however the hand-operated cunnilingus lever was a disappointment.
In stead of a ‘lateral thinking’ puzzle, Herb preferred to be called an ‘incapable of thinking’ puzzle.
He fell into the infamous blue liquid at the mini-putt course. He suffered two bumps on the head and had 52359437 stitches.
Doctors say he'll make a full recovery.
Doctors say he'll make a full recovery.
Leroy looked like a 'bagsaw puzzle with a couple o' pieces gone.....
That's "Metal Sanaz" on the left - she's all over MySpace. Just sayin'.....
That's "Metal Sanaz" on the left - she's all over MySpace. Just sayin'.....
Lance never fully recovered from his injuries sustained from being sucked through the 757's passenger toilet.
Shortly before his planned infiltration of the Mattel Puzzle Factory, Sherman spent several hours preparing his camouflage.
lol...enigma is actually a really intelligent laid back dude...and I wonder if Sanaz can pinch nipples as good as Juliya from FUSE...gonna have to test that theory next time I'm in NYC...
Baron Von Goolo will be relieved to find out that these two officers finally tracked down that missing piece from his Museum.
"30 years of service at the India Ink Bottling Company, and all I get for retirement is a couple of cheap hookers?!?"
Tim loved owning the worlds biggest pair of invisible headphones, but he was afraid they made him look ridiculous.
Tim loved owning the worlds biggest pair of invisible headphones, but he was afraid they made him look ridiculous.
He is actually a mannequin, but his jaw is spring hinged, so if you pull on his beard his mouth opens. So, as she is pulling his beard she is saying in a death metal growl: C IS FOR COOKIE!!!
# posted by 
: 2:29 PM
: 2:29 PM
HotButteredPoopcorn made me spit my water out of my mouth with his witty comment. And by water, I mean gin and tonic.
But congrats. Excellent comment.
But congrats. Excellent comment.
I was thinking of all the torments we could lay upon Satanbag: a punch in the nads, flaying alive, drawing and quartering, but then Louella Hott on the left gave me this thought: rip his chin strip off.
That's it, just rip it. Rip it good.
That's it, just rip it. Rip it good.
He was on an episode of The X-Files.
I'm now going to go kick my own ass for being a nerd.
I'm now going to go kick my own ass for being a nerd.
# posted by : 4:04 PM
: 4:04 PM
Um, this just can't be his fault.
I have a strong feeling that Ol' Gramps McSticky Hands gave this pour soul a forceful shove down the psychotic douche path some 12-18 years ago. I mean, surely someone doesn't just arrive naturally at this end point.
No, no I'm thinking that the types of decisions that have been made by this mind, have surely been ruthlessly groped into utter delusion.
I have a strong feeling that Ol' Gramps McSticky Hands gave this pour soul a forceful shove down the psychotic douche path some 12-18 years ago. I mean, surely someone doesn't just arrive naturally at this end point.
No, no I'm thinking that the types of decisions that have been made by this mind, have surely been ruthlessly groped into utter delusion.
# posted by : 4:07 PM
: 4:07 PM
I thought I'd finally go BLUE since I saw this ugly Blue Devil (see the little horns?) coming at these Goth gals. (and since DB1 limited access).
It's finally come to the crisis that even the water treatment plants cannot get rid of all the blue toilet bowl cleaners coming through the system, even to the point of contaminating with devil horns.
Jim's regrettable last words to Pumpy were "Well I'd like to see you just TRY and kick my balls into my scalp, buddy...".
His stage name is Enigma, he lives in Austin, or at least he used to. He's actually a pretty nice guy.
what's his pee pee look like?
just askin'... or is it that bald thing with wings in the center?
inquiring minds want to know
just askin'... or is it that bald thing with wings in the center?
inquiring minds want to know
@ Croosh 1:50
Don't I fucking wish. The Enigma is a counterculture celebrity of bigfootian proportions. Horns, lizard tongue AND full body ink. He's a get. I love my brotherYoshi but the slacker only has horns.
And Metal Sanaz is what Tila Tequila would be if I'd placed the order to Dr. Frankenstein myself. And I mean that in a good way. And by good, I mean bad. And by bad, I mean she would crush my pelvic girdle into a blubbery paste. Maybe. If I asked nicely and it was my birthday.
Don't I fucking wish. The Enigma is a counterculture celebrity of bigfootian proportions. Horns, lizard tongue AND full body ink. He's a get. I love my brotherYoshi but the slacker only has horns.
And Metal Sanaz is what Tila Tequila would be if I'd placed the order to Dr. Frankenstein myself. And I mean that in a good way. And by good, I mean bad. And by bad, I mean she would crush my pelvic girdle into a blubbery paste. Maybe. If I asked nicely and it was my birthday.
Metal Sanaz = Ewwww. IMHO, especially after she became pitch-bitch for Man Glaze. It's nail polish for men. Huh. That's not what I think of when I hear "Man Glaze". but I digress.
More horrifying: This photo from their site, with the following caption:
Hardcore-Stud-Party-Manimal Roz Weston (ET Canada) sent us this photo! In it he proves that wearing ManGlaze and having a talented mouth can GET YOU CHICKS!
"It's hard to see - but I wore the grey to a the opening of a new rock bar called "Tattoo" - Toronto..."
There are SO many things wrong with those sentences I want to scoop out my uterus and feed it to squirrels, to be sure I never bring a child into a world where this stuff happens. Beware, Canadian 'baghunting bretheren, the plague has indeed spread to the great white north.
More horrifying: This photo from their site, with the following caption:
Hardcore-Stud-Party-Manimal Roz Weston (ET Canada) sent us this photo! In it he proves that wearing ManGlaze and having a talented mouth can GET YOU CHICKS!
"It's hard to see - but I wore the grey to a the opening of a new rock bar called "Tattoo" - Toronto..."
There are SO many things wrong with those sentences I want to scoop out my uterus and feed it to squirrels, to be sure I never bring a child into a world where this stuff happens. Beware, Canadian 'baghunting bretheren, the plague has indeed spread to the great white north.
As for The Enigma....well, I can't say I condone looking so freaky. However, if you do look that freaky, and your job is "circus freak", well....then...I guess you've come to terms with a few things. I tentatively issue a notta, unless there are photos of him as he does jello shots out of Metal Sanaz's asscrack.
@ JCVD, BVG--Am I mistaken, or is he wedded to Katzen? Or was at some point? In a way, that's proof positive that "soul mates" is for real...
@ JCVD, BVG--Am I mistaken, or is he wedded to Katzen? Or was at some point? In a way, that's proof positive that "soul mates" is for real...
whoa. Samurai Scrote had NOT been able to deliver THE 1-2 punch.
like, whoa.
The Enigma is really going places.
like, whoa.
The Enigma is really going places.
@ Medusa
Katzen and The Enigma were married but now they're divorced. Which is a grim portent for marriage as a whole, really: if those two don't share enough common ground, who the hell does?
Katzen and The Enigma were married but now they're divorced. Which is a grim portent for marriage as a whole, really: if those two don't share enough common ground, who the hell does?
Semi-Hilarious (or not at all) story about that guy. Someone mentioned the photo and it's caption regarding the Tattoo Rock Bar in Toronto. First off it's a really lame club in Toronto that pretends to be really hardcore and sports a tattoo parlour in the front. It is no 'rock' club as most of the music that goes through there is just pure garbage. The 'lead' tattoo artist for that place was fired as an unpaid intern at the tattoo parlour across the street for being sloppy and unprofessional.
On another note had I known that Metal Sanaz was in Toronto for the opening I would have awkwardly waited outside for the event to conclude and would have then followed her back to her hotel room or until her body guard noticed me and beat the crap out me for trying to nibble gently on her ankles.
On another note had I known that Metal Sanaz was in Toronto for the opening I would have awkwardly waited outside for the event to conclude and would have then followed her back to her hotel room or until her body guard noticed me and beat the crap out me for trying to nibble gently on her ankles.
bvg@1:38 +1
it recalls the the george carlin "there's a guy who thinks highly of himself"
its a douchebag wrapped and a nutsack wrapped in another douchebag...
there is no enigma to this guy...he has no talent for anything and a deep need to be noticed...there enigma fucking solved.
it recalls the the george carlin "there's a guy who thinks highly of himself"
its a douchebag wrapped and a nutsack wrapped in another douchebag...
there is no enigma to this guy...he has no talent for anything and a deep need to be noticed...there enigma fucking solved.
Dave couldn't figure out why he was fired from The Old Spaghetti Warehouse in Austin.
# posted by : 7:30 AM
: 7:30 AM
@ BVG 1:38
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
*Hastily calls Immigration lawyer, tells her to call the whole thing off, tears up visa papers and stops answering phone*
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
*Hastily calls Immigration lawyer, tells her to call the whole thing off, tears up visa papers and stops answering phone*
After his horrible grease fire incident, Chuck's HMO finally agreed to fund his full skin transplant, but only with gerbil skins.
Buffalo Bill returns in 2010 in: "Silence of the Smurfs".
"It puts the blueberries on it's skin, or it gets the blue Kool-Aid again"...
"It puts the blueberries on it's skin, or it gets the blue Kool-Aid again"...
Hello all 'bagslayers. Long time no smell. heheheh
How are things on the douchey side?
I met The Enigma many years ago in Austin, TX, and he's a really cool dude. A genuine nice guy.
DB1: I didn't know you had your mitts in a show. Congratulations. I sincerely hope you're making some major bank from exploiting dirty ballbags that disgrace the women they're with and who make a filthy mockery of modern society. Burn 'em all.
Glad to see the torch still being carried by the faithful.
How are things on the douchey side?
I met The Enigma many years ago in Austin, TX, and he's a really cool dude. A genuine nice guy.
DB1: I didn't know you had your mitts in a show. Congratulations. I sincerely hope you're making some major bank from exploiting dirty ballbags that disgrace the women they're with and who make a filthy mockery of modern society. Burn 'em all.
Glad to see the torch still being carried by the faithful.
Classic transporter accident. I am surprised it stayed alive this long. If I were Worf, I would have set my phaser on maximum kill to put this thing out of it's misery.
-Douche Bauer
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-Douche Bauer
# posted by : 9:10 PM
: 9:10 PM << Home
