Thursday, May 28, 2009
"His Sister Shaves It" by Jess
PIC DELETED
Reader Jess writes in with a rant about her douchey ex-boyfriend. I've rearranged the email structurally (but left it unedited) to create a form of outsider art poetry:
--------------
"His Sister Shaves It"
by Jess
I think these photos speak for themselves.
This guy is a complete douche.
Wouldnt even have sex.
Shaved his back constantly, and slept with neosporin on his face everynight.
Farted when he DID have sex.
Farted when he ate.
Farted when he slept.
farted.
Drove like an asshole.
Punched his sister in the ass.
Makes NO money at age 27 and lives at home complaining about the generic brand of toilet paper his father buys.
Goes to the gym everyday but somehow gets fatter!!!!
his mother still wipes his ass.
His sister shaves it.
Please, I beg of you, put this up. I have been a fan of your site for a while and think youre a genious!
Yours truly,
Jess
----
Cool, daddio. I'm hep to that.
Reader Jess writes in with a rant about her douchey ex-boyfriend. I've rearranged the email structurally (but left it unedited) to create a form of outsider art poetry:
--------------
"His Sister Shaves It"
by Jess
I think these photos speak for themselves.
This guy is a complete douche.
Wouldnt even have sex.
Shaved his back constantly, and slept with neosporin on his face everynight.
Farted when he DID have sex.
Farted when he ate.
Farted when he slept.
farted.
Drove like an asshole.
Punched his sister in the ass.
Makes NO money at age 27 and lives at home complaining about the generic brand of toilet paper his father buys.
Goes to the gym everyday but somehow gets fatter!!!!
his mother still wipes his ass.
His sister shaves it.
Please, I beg of you, put this up. I have been a fan of your site for a while and think youre a genious!
Yours truly,
Jess
----
Cool, daddio. I'm hep to that.
Comments:
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Must be his sister right there. That's the gratitude she gets for shaving his ass.
# posted by 
: 2:41 PM
: 2:41 PM
I know this is a sucker bet, but I have ten bucks that says he drives a '94 Camaro.
# posted by : 2:41 PM
: 2:41 PM
@jess,
I have indeed seen you around. Now I must ask: how long did you date him? (and what percentage of the relationship was dedicated to changing him once yuo discovered these traits) and why? This will be a key in determing whether you're an idiot or not.
Army of Douche-ness
I have indeed seen you around. Now I must ask: how long did you date him? (and what percentage of the relationship was dedicated to changing him once yuo discovered these traits) and why? This will be a key in determing whether you're an idiot or not.
Army of Douche-ness
# posted by : 2:52 PM
: 2:52 PM 
I give this 24 hours before the bfriend finds out and gets it taken down. No bag wants people to know he puts neosporin on his face. What the f is what for anyways, helps to glowify the orange?
# posted by : 2:59 PM
: 2:59 PM
I have to say, I sort of respect a guy who'd rather fart than have sex. In an odd way, I have to respect that.
But the neosporin is just wrong.
But the neosporin is just wrong.
# posted by : 3:09 PM
: 3:09 PM
Spends time at the gym, but keeps getting fatter = spends his time in the gym shower, picking up soap...
I um...wait, what? Uh, what exactly is it?
But to be honest, aside from the shirt, he's kinda not douchey. No hand gesture, no douche face, paying attention to the two girls rather than the camera...ok, the neosporin thing is weird, and the living at home makes him kind of a loser, but who would any of us be to condemn a man for breaking wind or driving like an asshole? I can't speak for the rest of you, but I ain't getting any skinnier, either.
'Til douchier pictures are submitted, I'm going with quartasian loving nottadouche.
But to be honest, aside from the shirt, he's kinda not douchey. No hand gesture, no douche face, paying attention to the two girls rather than the camera...ok, the neosporin thing is weird, and the living at home makes him kind of a loser, but who would any of us be to condemn a man for breaking wind or driving like an asshole? I can't speak for the rest of you, but I ain't getting any skinnier, either.
'Til douchier pictures are submitted, I'm going with quartasian loving nottadouche.
# posted by : 3:35 PM
: 3:35 PM
This was much more interesting when I saw the title and was left to wonder just exactly what "It" was that his sister shaved.
# posted by : 3:45 PM
: 3:45 PM
i wonder if jess would like a guy who
lives alone
masturbates constantly
never farts during sex because of a paranoid fear that it would constitute ass play which is of course very gay.
drives like he can't afford the deductable.
makes plenty of money to pay his own bills and uses that as an all mighty club to prove he is better than everyone else he brings up in conversation.
seldom considers hygiene a priority...
if so i could be your perfect rebound baby!!
lives alone
masturbates constantly
never farts during sex because of a paranoid fear that it would constitute ass play which is of course very gay.
drives like he can't afford the deductable.
makes plenty of money to pay his own bills and uses that as an all mighty club to prove he is better than everyone else he brings up in conversation.
seldom considers hygiene a priority...
if so i could be your perfect rebound baby!!
Jeez, look at those eyebrows!
If he didn't 'scape them down it would look like he's shoplifting a wool cap from TJ Maxx.
If he didn't 'scape them down it would look like he's shoplifting a wool cap from TJ Maxx.
I’m with Vader. Although he does look like Hooman Karamian… so that would be douche by association, would it not?
I don't understand the Neosporin on the face. Does he have constant facial wounds that he is worried will leave scars?
I can't fault a guy for farting while he sleeps. It's not like he can control it then. But farting during sex is not acceptable. Take a Gas-X, ffs.
I can't fault a guy for farting while he sleeps. It's not like he can control it then. But farting during sex is not acceptable. Take a Gas-X, ffs.
# posted by : 4:18 PM
: 4:18 PM
Farting during the height of intimacy can really help to bring people even closer together. Jess sounds like a total bitch.
This "poem" put me into a meditative trance. When I snapped out of it and became aware of my surroundings again, I had the urge to shave my neighbor's cat, but then it farted so I gave up on that plan.
Wha... what happened???
Wha... what happened???
# posted by : 4:34 PM
: 4:34 PM
A butt plug is a temporary solution to an ongoing problem.
I however will bypass the temp solution. I just blame it on my dog
I however will bypass the temp solution. I just blame it on my dog
# posted by : 5:17 PM
: 5:17 PM
Farting during sex is a true test of a relationship. If she scrambles to hold a lighter up to your Play-Doh Fun Factory in time for the next one, she's a keeper.
I would sooner straddle a belt sander before I let any of my siblings near my ass with a razor.
I think this brother/sister relationship may be...nuanced.
I think this brother/sister relationship may be...nuanced.
The Baron's commentary on bro/sis relationship scares me.
Jess is smokin'. The guy sounds like he didn't do it for her, and admittedly those things are a bit much, but they can be discussed, and if not you leave, like she did.
But they don't exactly make him a douche...
That said, i'd be her rebound in a second.
Jess is smokin'. The guy sounds like he didn't do it for her, and admittedly those things are a bit much, but they can be discussed, and if not you leave, like she did.
But they don't exactly make him a douche...
That said, i'd be her rebound in a second.
# posted by : 5:43 PM
: 5:43 PM
Maybe on days with sexy time potential she avoids vegetables, dairy, Mexican food and all other gas-inducing foods.
But even without the sex farts, she's better off without this guy. His mom wipes his ass and his sister shaves his ass. It must be true, it's in a beat poem!
But even without the sex farts, she's better off without this guy. His mom wipes his ass and his sister shaves his ass. It must be true, it's in a beat poem!
# posted by : 6:01 PM
: 6:01 PM
I smell total and complete bullshit.
Funny nonetheless. But jilted ex-girlfriends using this as a forum to humiliate their exes is really shady. There's way cooler ways to go about it. I suggest fucking his dad.
Funny nonetheless. But jilted ex-girlfriends using this as a forum to humiliate their exes is really shady. There's way cooler ways to go about it. I suggest fucking his dad.
Julio never suspected that the katoey he was cuddling was backed by an even more attractive katoey with a nine inch stiletto and a deep-seated hatred for men wearing shirts bearing any derivative of the word "AFFLICTION". But he would soon find out.
# posted by : 6:51 PM
: 6:51 PM
Shenanagins! I call Shenanagins!
Aside from that, who among us hasn't been forced to deal one on the downstroke at least once?
Jess: he lives at home at 27 and you still fucked him. If you can't own that bit of history, at least have the decency not to slam the poor pud in public while you're checking your own bleeth-meter. If that's you in the photo, I'd certainly turn your cervix into a trampoline for a solid week but then I probably wouldn't call you anymore unless there was the possibility of getting your sister involved.
Aside from that, who among us hasn't been forced to deal one on the downstroke at least once?
Jess: he lives at home at 27 and you still fucked him. If you can't own that bit of history, at least have the decency not to slam the poor pud in public while you're checking your own bleeth-meter. If that's you in the photo, I'd certainly turn your cervix into a trampoline for a solid week but then I probably wouldn't call you anymore unless there was the possibility of getting your sister involved.
# posted by : 6:59 PM
: 6:59 PM
medusa i beg to differ, fuck his mother, she sounds dirty, and imagine him trying to explain that fetish to an hooter's waitress.
as far as farting, isn't there a sarah mcglachlan song about how she knew he loved her when he ripped a sulfer, cabbage, and hemp tea fart that blew out the tires of her van on the way to the lilith faire? the fart is the official demarkation between screwing and relationship. i don't think women hate farts, they fear intimacy.
as far as farting, isn't there a sarah mcglachlan song about how she knew he loved her when he ripped a sulfer, cabbage, and hemp tea fart that blew out the tires of her van on the way to the lilith faire? the fart is the official demarkation between screwing and relationship. i don't think women hate farts, they fear intimacy.
Doucheminster makes a valid point. If you're a chick dating some 27 year-old dude who still lives at home, it's your own fault!
Stop it!
Stop whining!
Get your mutha, please.
Stop it!
Stop whining!
Get your mutha, please.
The farting during sex is easily explained; his ass, feeling neglected, blows out a forlorn note as a sputtering desperate mating call.
To Perez Hilton's 4" dong.
To Perez Hilton's 4" dong.
Jess is just bitter. I mean, why would she even date him if he was such a damn loser? (if so she's pretty stupid)
However, since he dumped her ass, or most likely cheated on her with her best friend, she's probably really bitter. This is just a sorry attempt at revenge for loss of pride/broken heart.
However, since he dumped her ass, or most likely cheated on her with her best friend, she's probably really bitter. This is just a sorry attempt at revenge for loss of pride/broken heart.
Do NOT send the pic if any of the following apply:
3. A pic of an ex-boyfriend whom you explain in graphic detail screwed over either you, your sister or your sorority friend, followed by begging me to run it on the site to get back at him. Yet the pic only features a closeup, and he's smiling and looks like a cast member from Boy Meets World.
hehe
3. A pic of an ex-boyfriend whom you explain in graphic detail screwed over either you, your sister or your sorority friend, followed by begging me to run it on the site to get back at him. Yet the pic only features a closeup, and he's smiling and looks like a cast member from Boy Meets World.
hehe
# posted by : 7:46 PM
: 7:46 PM
The description implies douche but the photo is clearly notadouche. I don't think we can rely solely on her biased description without photographic evidence. She also sounds like a total bitch...and I would bang the crap out of her.
# posted by : 7:56 PM
: 7:56 PM
Perez Hilton is the douchebag of the century, That MFer can rot in hell. Not because hes gay, i could careless, but because he has a problem with freedom of speech when it does not suit him.
Dickwad Mfing ass pinple bastard
Dickwad Mfing ass pinple bastard
# posted by : 7:59 PM
: 7:59 PM
@ DB1
This is a shitty post... Lets not start a site based on vengeful girlfriends.It's a slippery slope...
So the guy sports Affliction and might be kind of a douche. She is the idiot who fucked him.
A-Bag
This is a shitty post... Lets not start a site based on vengeful girlfriends.It's a slippery slope...
So the guy sports Affliction and might be kind of a douche. She is the idiot who fucked him.
A-Bag
# posted by : 8:25 PM
: 8:25 PM
The only part that interests me is all the farts. Send the dorkster some Beano and the rest of us gas masks, and be done with it!
# posted by : 8:29 PM
: 8:29 PM
"I suggest fucking his dad" and "i don't think women hate farts, they fear intimacy."
Two of the biggest laughs I've had on this site in a dog's age. Those back to back have my stomach aching. Of course, the jar of pickles I ate probably didn't help, but kudos Medusa and euripidouche anyway.
Two of the biggest laughs I've had on this site in a dog's age. Those back to back have my stomach aching. Of course, the jar of pickles I ate probably didn't help, but kudos Medusa and euripidouche anyway.
# posted by : 8:33 PM
: 8:33 PM
i love this site and think it's really fun, but from the pic alone what makes this guy a douchebag? I thought you have to see certain characteristics in the pics.
What did I miss guys? I'm a travel agent and I just had to break away to book Perez Hilton a flight to Mumbai. Why do you suppose he's in such a hurry to get there?
# posted by : 8:52 PM
: 8:52 PM
This guy is not a douche. Even if everything in the letter is true, which I doubt, that would make him sad, not douchey.
SHE'S a douche.
SHE'S a douche.
This story is so fake, ducks unwittingly flocked to it in complete and total ignorance of Ted Nugent’s crouching presence nearby…
... even after his spontaneous emission of a suspiciously-violent fart from behind his hunter’s blind.
... even after his spontaneous emission of a suspiciously-violent fart from behind his hunter’s blind.
This story is more fake than Plinky’s laughter when, as a newborn, he turned and viewed the wreckage from whence he’d been birthed.
This story is more fake than the sincerity of Anonymous troller’s indignation at a comments thread from a blogger whose moniker is ‘Douchebag1.’
This story is NOT more fake than the look my wife just gave me after I refused to stop typing like Darksock on downers.
So, umm, yeah... that's still pretty fast.
So, umm, yeah... that's still pretty fast.
I would have to change my judgement of his douchiness if he dumped her: that would make him uber-douche, if only gauged by his stupidity.
Actually, in that context, the whole note is hilarious.
And it makes me share in the desire to "turn her cervix into a trampoline", as it was so eloquently put earlier.
Only I wouldn't split after a week.
No, that would be my kind of honey-succle-thigh.
Actually, in that context, the whole note is hilarious.
And it makes me share in the desire to "turn her cervix into a trampoline", as it was so eloquently put earlier.
Only I wouldn't split after a week.
No, that would be my kind of honey-succle-thigh.
# posted by : 11:57 PM
: 11:57 PM
@ Anoniempje[BE] > 11:47
That is the same girl. Good call. I still don't get the neosporin on the face though....
That is the same girl. Good call. I still don't get the neosporin on the face though....
# posted by : 4:10 AM
: 4:10 AM
This chick sounds like a bitter ex. The guy probably left her for a better woman and she is putting him on blast. I think DB1 should take this down. This site shouldn't be used for revenge in break ups. If having fun with two hot babes is being a douche then we're all pretty sad. This gus does not fit the douche mold. Sounds like Jess is making this up.
# posted by : 5:16 AM
: 5:16 AM
This is BS in a grand scale. This guy has no physical traits of a douchebag but she sounds like a bitter b*ch.
I say they deserved each other while it lasted. She for being an idiot and he for being a Mama's Boy.
I say they deserved each other while it lasted. She for being an idiot and he for being a Mama's Boy.
I'm not sure he's a douche by some bitter hu'ah's letter.
Now if the guy put Prep H on his face while he slept.....
Also all this flattulence discussion is a sign of a woman who needs to accept her man for the lower level sub human that he is. There I said it.
Now if the guy put Prep H on his face while he slept.....
Also all this flattulence discussion is a sign of a woman who needs to accept her man for the lower level sub human that he is. There I said it.
# posted by : 6:39 AM
: 6:39 AM
@Choada the Hutt
"Hey Vasquez, have you ever been
mistaken for a man?"----Line from Aliens????
Army of Douche-ness
"Hey Vasquez, have you ever been
mistaken for a man?"----Line from Aliens????
Army of Douche-ness
# posted by : 7:01 AM
: 7:01 AM
That was the awesomest poem ever.
Maybe he's so fat and lazy that farting during sex helps give that extra push so he can penetrate deeper.
Maybe he's so fat and lazy that farting during sex helps give that extra push so he can penetrate deeper.
# posted by : 9:31 AM
: 9:31 AM
whats worse Jess , him for doing it or YOU for putting up with that mega douche 5000?
Go and get yourself a copy of Steve Harvey's new book " Act Like A Woman, Think Like A Man"
Takes 2 to Tango ... You ladies today have NO standards or self esteem it seems because obviously you will lay down with anything that has a pulse..
oh .. and furthermore .. DOUCHE
and to close.. uhm.. BooBIES.
Go and get yourself a copy of Steve Harvey's new book " Act Like A Woman, Think Like A Man"
Takes 2 to Tango ... You ladies today have NO standards or self esteem it seems because obviously you will lay down with anything that has a pulse..
oh .. and furthermore .. DOUCHE
and to close.. uhm.. BooBIES.
# posted by : 10:36 AM
: 10:36 AM
nothing say's your doped up on GHB then getting carried away in the arms of a douchebag! Let me tax that when your done douchebag!
# posted by : 9:32 PM
: 9:32 PM
The question I have is why WOULD anybody want to have sex with him? Sounds like she dodged a bullet. Rather than being bitter and immature about it she should be breathing a sigh of relief :-)
# posted by : 7:18 AM
: 7:18 AM
sounds like Jess is definitely not over this guy if she takes this much of her time to write about him.
# posted by : 12:16 PM
: 12:16 PM
Just a thought, but if he wouldn't have sex, doesn't that say something about you.
He doesn't sound like a douche at all.
Post a Comment
He doesn't sound like a douche at all.
# posted by : 12:48 PM
: 12:48 PM << Home
