Tuesday, February 17, 2009
The Hickbag
We haven't captured a lot of southern Hickbags on the site in the last few months. At least not since the Kid Rock wifebeater craze of 2007 broke out like a rash of thigh warts.
Hickbags are identified by creepy porn-staches and unwashed redneck hair.
Yet, like all douches, the hand gestures and hat tilt are never far behind.
Oh, Carlee. I know you're behind on the farm payments. And that moonshine your brother Ray makes is killer. But I would still slather your favorite hogs with butter and crisco just for the chance to play an out-of-tune guitar by the Five and Dime in the hopes your Ford pickup might break down on the way to summer rodeo.
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That hand gesture is Hickbag ordering two Bud Lights at the bar. Also known as chick lube, Hickbag here is in charge of getting the minimum number of drinks in her before Bucky, the town manstallion, moves in for the late night cream-a-thon.
Wow, that 'stache is not fucking around. What a truly disgusting human being.
The see-through top is not disgusting. Run away Carlee. Faster.
The see-through top is not disgusting. Run away Carlee. Faster.
# posted by 
: 11:27 AM
: 11:27 AM
Bo, know we're talkin'!
They ran away straight from Lake City to Myrtle Beach where they'll douche it up at MotherFletcher's until the sun comes up.
They ran away straight from Lake City to Myrtle Beach where they'll douche it up at MotherFletcher's until the sun comes up.
One t-shirt that says "Work sucks but I need the bucks?" Check.
Hot sister? Check. (Same eyebrows!)
One in the pink and one in the stink? Check.
1980s era Rolling Stones bling heart? Check mate!
Having sex with your sister? Illegal, but priceless. Sometimes $49.95 for the DVD if filmed with night vision goggles.
Hot sister? Check. (Same eyebrows!)
One in the pink and one in the stink? Check.
1980s era Rolling Stones bling heart? Check mate!
Having sex with your sister? Illegal, but priceless. Sometimes $49.95 for the DVD if filmed with night vision goggles.
# posted by : 11:33 AM
: 11:33 AM
when carl took his sister to the malt shoppe she always felt a little weird when he ordered one shake with two straws.
In 1982 a young Dark Sock
grew his first mustache and took aunt Velma - his first kiss by the way - to see Def Leopard.
grew his first mustache and took aunt Velma - his first kiss by the way - to see Def Leopard.
Opie? NOOOO!!!!
Her birth control pill embroidered collar is a nice touch. Her Bill Clinton nose, not so much.
Her birth control pill embroidered collar is a nice touch. Her Bill Clinton nose, not so much.
she used to be called the Hazard County Harlot.
But then it just got redundant
But then it just got redundant
# posted by : 11:41 AM
: 11:41 AM
Cleetus and Wilma took one of their wedding photos to a professional photographer to have it 'touched up' and the dude's head exploded.
Carlee has that look that say "I've got a pantload of pent up rebellion against this crapstain town that I'll express by fucking you until your ears bleed, up until you start making payments on my doublewide and I reach my 275 fighting weight.
Fuck. I'm going to find a hole to die in now, because if you add about 6 inches in height and gave him a blond crew cut he'd be the spitting image of my sperm done-er-um-father...I hate my life.
For the love of god someone get Sally-Jo here a fucking bra that fits. Her cups runeth over! I know its a push-up bra, but seriously, that cannot be comfortable. Its bad choices like that that have brought you to the moment in time that this picture has captured. Please, observe and learn. After disinfecting yourself of course.
For the love of god someone get Sally-Jo here a fucking bra that fits. Her cups runeth over! I know its a push-up bra, but seriously, that cannot be comfortable. Its bad choices like that that have brought you to the moment in time that this picture has captured. Please, observe and learn. After disinfecting yourself of course.
Those buttons are her sperm-o-meter which lets all "comers" know how many loads she caught this week. Hickbag here is claiming that he contributed two loads himself... but jekin' ur Gerkin while thinking about Lulabelle doesn't count Hickbag.
Earl took the lyrics to "Simple Man" a little too literally.
She would not spit out her gum before sex. And I'm O.K. with that.
She would not spit out her gum before sex. And I'm O.K. with that.
I dub this girl a britney- the redneck version of a bleeth.
All redneck hotts worship at the Temple of Spears.
All redneck hotts worship at the Temple of Spears.
They both smell like catfish before getting to the fish fry.
- - - - - - - - - - -
He uses Budweiser as a cologne; he uses Michelob as "good" cologne.
- - - - - - - - -
Even when she's not working Clara finds herself asking people, "Do you want fries with that?"
- - - - - - - - - - --
Even when she's not working Clara finds herself asking, "Y'alls condom ain't got holes, does it?"
- - - - - - - - - - -
He uses Budweiser as a cologne; he uses Michelob as "good" cologne.
- - - - - - - - -
Even when she's not working Clara finds herself asking people, "Do you want fries with that?"
- - - - - - - - - - --
Even when she's not working Clara finds herself asking, "Y'alls condom ain't got holes, does it?"
you can count me as a fan of the bright color bra/see thru shirt combo.
while she probably isnt much of a conversationalist i would gladly speak to her softly while groping the ta-tas
while she probably isnt much of a conversationalist i would gladly speak to her softly while groping the ta-tas
# posted by : 12:03 PM
: 12:03 PM
@ Anonymous 12:02
Hell yes they are... look at the hair. Rednecks dye their hair orange not their skin like Yankee folk do.
Hell yes they are... look at the hair. Rednecks dye their hair orange not their skin like Yankee folk do.
well, he is.
She might be worth spending $8.99 on a bottle of "Old Grandads" and taking her back to the trailer for a quickie.
just saying
She might be worth spending $8.99 on a bottle of "Old Grandads" and taking her back to the trailer for a quickie.
just saying
You can tell by his hair that he tilted the cap Just For The Picture.
Kid, you're never gonna make assistant night manager if you keep doing things half way.
Kid, you're never gonna make assistant night manager if you keep doing things half way.
these two have dreams of making it to the big city when they save up enough money.
bakersfield here we come!
bakersfield here we come!
Now thats more like it, washed out hick porn star.
The porno-stache on that mule froth inbred garbage makes me wanna go into coma.
DB1... we want more like these plz.
The porno-stache on that mule froth inbred garbage makes me wanna go into coma.
DB1... we want more like these plz.
That is quite the mug. I'm not sure what to classify him. Stachebag?
I would totally jump the fence when he was away only to find she was already knocking boots with the black guy on the other side.
I would totally jump the fence when he was away only to find she was already knocking boots with the black guy on the other side.
She's the girl in junior high who douses herself in cheap perfume but still has just a hint of b.o.
...which you won't even notice because you're banging her in the weight room while Coach McCormick is outside screaming at the track team.
...which you won't even notice because you're banging her in the weight room while Coach McCormick is outside screaming at the track team.
Ashfish was right on about the ill fitting bra. As my female friends would say, "She's got quadraboob." Might I also add that the blue bra under a sheer black top adds an extra touch of class.
-Douchetros Douchetros-Gali
Who am I kidding? I don't have friends.
-Douchetros Douchetros-Gali
Who am I kidding? I don't have friends.
# posted by : 12:24 PM
: 12:24 PM
Anonymous said...
Camaro or Firebird?
Only Guidobags drive those cars. Hickbag here has a Dodge Ram 1500 with extra wide mudders on that badboy, a chrome roll bar and the mandatory Rebel Flag rear window tinting.
Foreplay for a redneck- "Get in the truck bitch."
Camaro or Firebird?
Only Guidobags drive those cars. Hickbag here has a Dodge Ram 1500 with extra wide mudders on that badboy, a chrome roll bar and the mandatory Rebel Flag rear window tinting.
Foreplay for a redneck- "Get in the truck bitch."
perhaps controversial, but i say notadouche.
we have these in our country (england), we call them Chavs (derived from a Gypsy word 'Charver' meaning 'Fellow Gypsy'). basically they are 'economically challenged' people with unsophisticated tastes.
it's amazing actually, she looks so chavvy, with her blue eye make-up, pulled back hair and cheap jewellery...bless her!
and isn't he actually 'keeping it real'...isn't that an almost verbatim hick uniform? truck drivers cap, tash and t-shirt probably advertising his favourite whisky?
i say god bless them, and let them go in peace...or at least to the nearest young mother clinic/off-license (english for liquor store).
we have these in our country (england), we call them Chavs (derived from a Gypsy word 'Charver' meaning 'Fellow Gypsy'). basically they are 'economically challenged' people with unsophisticated tastes.
it's amazing actually, she looks so chavvy, with her blue eye make-up, pulled back hair and cheap jewellery...bless her!
and isn't he actually 'keeping it real'...isn't that an almost verbatim hick uniform? truck drivers cap, tash and t-shirt probably advertising his favourite whisky?
i say god bless them, and let them go in peace...or at least to the nearest young mother clinic/off-license (english for liquor store).
# posted by : 12:29 PM
: 12:29 PM
Statutory...well, you know. But probably not in her state.
Their hair and skin is exactly the same color. Siblings or spouses? I'm sure in their state it's not a problem to be both.
I would plow her field, if you get my drift. With my penis.
Their hair and skin is exactly the same color. Siblings or spouses? I'm sure in their state it's not a problem to be both.
I would plow her field, if you get my drift. With my penis.
that is one sweet fucking 'stache.
roc on with your bad self Cletus. now go finish picking up garbage along I-40.
oh, and hello bitches. i'm back.
roc on with your bad self Cletus. now go finish picking up garbage along I-40.
oh, and hello bitches. i'm back.
Attached at the ear, the Skanko twins were known 'round Alabama as a force to be reckoned with in the three-legged race at the County Fair.
Wish I was back on the bayou.
Rollin with some cajun queen.
Wishin I were a fast freight train,
Just a chooglin on down to new orleans.
Born on the bayou
Rollin with some cajun queen.
Wishin I were a fast freight train,
Just a chooglin on down to new orleans.
Born on the bayou
No way on giving him a pass. If the hat was on straight and there wasn't a hand gesture, I might give him a pass, but he douched himself up.
She is a britney. Doesn't know that she is "trailer" and will drink her way to 5 offspring (4 different donors) and 225 lbs.
She is a britney. Doesn't know that she is "trailer" and will drink her way to 5 offspring (4 different donors) and 225 lbs.
I think this kid has one of those reverse mullets that are all the rage in the south nowadays. You'd know what I meant if you ever saw that god awful show on MTV, "Two-a-Days".
She's definitely a ho fo' sho'. I bet her cooter could whistle dixie.
She's definitely a ho fo' sho'. I bet her cooter could whistle dixie.
She's got some nice little chesticles inside that bra that matches her eye shadow. Too bad, this is what passes for the student council president and vice president in middle school. And Boone's Farm is the lubricant of choice for this family.
holy shit.
pfah is back.
no wonder i woke up with a raging hard on this morning.
cuz a boner is my early pfah warning system.
kinda like in buffy the vampire slayer when she gets cramps when vampires are near.
pfah is back.
no wonder i woke up with a raging hard on this morning.
cuz a boner is my early pfah warning system.
kinda like in buffy the vampire slayer when she gets cramps when vampires are near.
It's about fucking time pfah. You probably got lock-jaw from all the IT dicks you had to suck didn't you?
Carleeeee, I just met a girl named Carleee, and suddenly I've found ...
She's supplanted my fondest dreams of JoanieHeartsChachi from the oil-change thread.
She's supplanted my fondest dreams of JoanieHeartsChachi from the oil-change thread.
i hear what you're saying ed hardouchey, but i actually think hicks are sort of cool.
i think they share a common ethos with punks (again in the english sense e.g. the sex pistols) in that they are absolutely doomed to fuck up big style and probably die young (or fat, or both), and that, in my opinion, does hold some charm.
i think the hand gesture is unfortunate however.
i would just also like to add...her tits look so fucking pert...mmmm, chicken.
i think they share a common ethos with punks (again in the english sense e.g. the sex pistols) in that they are absolutely doomed to fuck up big style and probably die young (or fat, or both), and that, in my opinion, does hold some charm.
i think the hand gesture is unfortunate however.
i would just also like to add...her tits look so fucking pert...mmmm, chicken.
# posted by : 12:43 PM
: 12:43 PM
@ed hardouchey
One small correction: Although your description of the pick up truck is quite accurate, you must not discount the popularity of the Camaro in hick culture. They loves them some Camaros. Muscle cars in general, even the pussed-out, crapped-up versions of the 80s and beyond, but especially the Camaro.
One small correction: Although your description of the pick up truck is quite accurate, you must not discount the popularity of the Camaro in hick culture. They loves them some Camaros. Muscle cars in general, even the pussed-out, crapped-up versions of the 80s and beyond, but especially the Camaro.
@ CrackedActor 12:15
25 DHT just for the picture and a 1pink-1 stink gesture = douche to me. Even more doucheous if he's trying to be a Dirty Army SGM.
And for the douche verdict, it's even more pronounced that he has the hat head to prove he douched it up just to look "tight" with Allison and her turqouise bra.
All in all, the hickbag is amusing but worthy of scorn. Sure, Billy Joe doesn't inspire the rage of a Kettlehead, but he's still part of the douche chain.
25 DHT just for the picture and a 1pink-1 stink gesture = douche to me. Even more doucheous if he's trying to be a Dirty Army SGM.
And for the douche verdict, it's even more pronounced that he has the hat head to prove he douched it up just to look "tight" with Allison and her turqouise bra.
All in all, the hickbag is amusing but worthy of scorn. Sure, Billy Joe doesn't inspire the rage of a Kettlehead, but he's still part of the douche chain.
# posted by : 12:47 PM
: 12:47 PM
I spent a lot of time in NASCAR Heaven, so I have nothing against rednecks. Most are good, decent folks. Hickbag thinks he is a "wigga" and folks from the South don't play that!
As for her perkys... you know there are some tasty pink nipplage ready to explode from under that Carolina Tarheel blue tit harness.
As for her perkys... you know there are some tasty pink nipplage ready to explode from under that Carolina Tarheel blue tit harness.
@ Mr. White
Noted. Dale Jr. has been working out the kinks in the new Camaro that Chevy will release (if they don't go broke)so we'll be seeing a new generation of veHICKles driving around.
Noted. Dale Jr. has been working out the kinks in the new Camaro that Chevy will release (if they don't go broke)so we'll be seeing a new generation of veHICKles driving around.
@ Orel 1249
She's an LA 2. Thats what the hand is for. I'd still play with her tits for a few hours.
@ Ed Hardouchey
If that is the camaro that was in transformers, it looks nice.
She's an LA 2. Thats what the hand is for. I'd still play with her tits for a few hours.
@ Ed Hardouchey
If that is the camaro that was in transformers, it looks nice.
this is an awesome picture.
he:
1. molestache to the extreme
2. stupid hand sign
3. stupid hat tilt
she:
1. look at my eyes, overdone blue mascera
2. see-through shirt with her amazing blue bra
3. colored hair, trimmed eyebrows, and bigass earrings getup
4. artificially buttoning shirt
>>>> STUPID double necklace guitar pick ensemble of the rolling stones necklace.
she's beautiful. he's a moron. I'll forgive her whatever-ness to share diseases with molesterstache though
he:
1. molestache to the extreme
2. stupid hand sign
3. stupid hat tilt
she:
1. look at my eyes, overdone blue mascera
2. see-through shirt with her amazing blue bra
3. colored hair, trimmed eyebrows, and bigass earrings getup
4. artificially buttoning shirt
>>>> STUPID double necklace guitar pick ensemble of the rolling stones necklace.
she's beautiful. he's a moron. I'll forgive her whatever-ness to share diseases with molesterstache though
I imagine that mustache coming up from between a woman's legs, dripping with vaginal juices, to ask if there are any cigarettes left in the glovebox.
# posted by : 1:06 PM
: 1:06 PM
Clem and Marla had to make an unscheduled stop on their way to the NASCAR Skoal 500.
She needed to buy eyeliner that matched her peek through bra.
She needed to buy eyeliner that matched her peek through bra.
Now that right there is why The South lost the war.
--
You know what they could use? -Some mid-low-grade quality beige fashion handbags.
--
You know what they could use? -Some mid-low-grade quality beige fashion handbags.
# posted by : 1:17 PM
: 1:17 PM
@ Plinky
in LA he'd be the star of his own reality show, but he'd keep banging his sister cuz he likes to "keep it real"
in LA he'd be the star of his own reality show, but he'd keep banging his sister cuz he likes to "keep it real"
@ anonymous 12:19
camaro....
or firebird?
I think the question should be....
El Camino? or Ranchero?
She looks like the kind that would fuck YOU, not the reverse. She got that nazzzzzzty attitude, only achieved in small towns by girls just that desperate to get out. Head west, young thing. We can put you to work out here. San Fernando Valley has lots of "casting call" openings....
camaro....
or firebird?
I think the question should be....
El Camino? or Ranchero?
She looks like the kind that would fuck YOU, not the reverse. She got that nazzzzzzty attitude, only achieved in small towns by girls just that desperate to get out. Head west, young thing. We can put you to work out here. San Fernando Valley has lots of "casting call" openings....
@Rubber Douchey
Dead on: El Camino SS
"And that'll be two corndogs please. This is the best fair ever: hey, after this, Carla Sue, they got a six legged goat over there..."
--VS
Dead on: El Camino SS
"And that'll be two corndogs please. This is the best fair ever: hey, after this, Carla Sue, they got a six legged goat over there..."
--VS
# posted by : 2:45 PM
: 2:45 PM
On behalf of the Great State of Kentucky, I want to apologize for this monstrosity.
# posted by : 2:51 PM
: 2:51 PM
Cleetus shows us the number of working brain cells shared by the two of them. Right now he has them because he needed the motor skills to hold up his hand. If they separate their heads, they'll lose everything and forget which car on the front lawn actually starts.
Winne-the-Poon
Winne-the-Poon
# posted by : 2:55 PM
: 2:55 PM
@creature, 12:01 p.m. -
"fuck fer a dollar, ass fuckin' is $2"
And our redneck boy here is broke.
His sister isn't.
"fuck fer a dollar, ass fuckin' is $2"
And our redneck boy here is broke.
His sister isn't.
I have a certain respect for Hickbags, a city boy meets his distant country cousin kinda kinship if you will. I mean, look at the guy. How can you hate on him? Especially with that ridiculous mustache. Do you know how much fun it would be to take a guy like this to Crobar or the Standard and just turn him loose? I wouldn't even NEED a drink. You just keep handing him PBRs (that's fancy beer to a dude like this) and watch the hilarity ensue.
# posted by : 3:40 PM
: 3:40 PM
@casualencounters.com/blog: that made me shiver and retch at the same time. that was 2 hours ago and i haven't stopped. damn you.
# posted by : 3:54 PM
: 3:54 PM
wow a hickbag, they are rarely photographed. on the topic of rarebags, i think more should be done about the vampire weekendbag, also known as the yalebag, or the my dad has a yatchtbag. they can be found with dockers, a polo, a northface jacket over the polo, sperry's, combed hair, with the occasional polo hat, cheap sunglasses with croakies strap, and they are known to drink all your good beer and leave only the fat chicks. a different breed of fratbags. brah.
# posted by : 4:39 PM
: 4:39 PM
The following commendations are NOT passes:
Yay on him for even being able to grow a 'stache. He shouldn't have tried, but he did and he succeeded, unlike Kettlehead and the varying chinstrap choads we often see.
Yay on them for not being orange. Well, their skin isn't, anyway.
Yay for muffin titties! Like the delicious top of a muffin, they poof out of the top of a bra like the sweetest breakfast treats!
Boo on everything else. Rednecks are only funny when they're not real.
Yay on him for even being able to grow a 'stache. He shouldn't have tried, but he did and he succeeded, unlike Kettlehead and the varying chinstrap choads we often see.
Yay on them for not being orange. Well, their skin isn't, anyway.
Yay for muffin titties! Like the delicious top of a muffin, they poof out of the top of a bra like the sweetest breakfast treats!
Boo on everything else. Rednecks are only funny when they're not real.
I think Cletus there drives an IROC, as in Ignorant Retard Out Crusin
Please, please, please don't let them be from the fine state of Kentucky...
Her eyeliner matches her bra & he's wearing a hat that says "The South Shall Rise Again...just like my Johnson"
PFAH! We've missed you 'round these parts...glad those IT guys got their shit together & unblocked this site...
Please, please, please don't let them be from the fine state of Kentucky...
Her eyeliner matches her bra & he's wearing a hat that says "The South Shall Rise Again...just like my Johnson"
PFAH! We've missed you 'round these parts...glad those IT guys got their shit together & unblocked this site...
the see through shirt is kinda kinky too in a fuck your sister because you bought that bras for her kinda way.
Tell my mother, tell my father
I've douched the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just douching
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance
(apologies to Shinedown)
I've douched the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just douching
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance
(apologies to Shinedown)
Used to be you'd see the matching tee-shirts or camp-shirts at the State Fair, now it's the matching hair-dye job she got to go with his 'stache and "natcheral" head.
And she's wearin' two necklaces, one of them a heart which he gave her.
I'd say they might be kissin' first-cousins' from Cain-tuck, Mizzou, or West Virginny, just check out the matching nose-tips.
C'mn douchehaterz, you gotta admit they ARE a cute couple. Probably have some mutt dogs, she has a skinny toy poodle of questionable pedigree, and his uncles used to drive the real NASCARS: hootch runners in the mountains.
And she's wearin' two necklaces, one of them a heart which he gave her.
I'd say they might be kissin' first-cousins' from Cain-tuck, Mizzou, or West Virginny, just check out the matching nose-tips.
C'mn douchehaterz, you gotta admit they ARE a cute couple. Probably have some mutt dogs, she has a skinny toy poodle of questionable pedigree, and his uncles used to drive the real NASCARS: hootch runners in the mountains.
# posted by : 9:41 PM
: 9:41 PM
i actually want to party with these kids...
and when i say "party" i mean lock them in their double-wide with travis the white trash eating chimpanzee. if they can win over travis i will gladly share my xanax and soco with both them and the ape.
and when i say "party" i mean lock them in their double-wide with travis the white trash eating chimpanzee. if they can win over travis i will gladly share my xanax and soco with both them and the ape.
Without the hat tilt and possibly the hand gesture, I'd totally party with this guy.
Think of it, we could drink Jack, put an endless loop of Molly Hatchet on the jukebox, start a bar-fight, and double team his 'Old Lady' after she makes us tacos upon arriving home at 3:30 am.
Seriously, I'm giving him a pass as this one hits too close to my ancestral (no incestral) home.
Think of it, we could drink Jack, put an endless loop of Molly Hatchet on the jukebox, start a bar-fight, and double team his 'Old Lady' after she makes us tacos upon arriving home at 3:30 am.
Seriously, I'm giving him a pass as this one hits too close to my ancestral (no incestral) home.
# posted by : 10:40 PM
: 10:40 PM
Also, if one took the time to really get a good whiff, you could detect notes of match sticks and bacon. Possibly with undertones of Busch Light and feet.
Fucking assholes are everywhere here.
Fucking assholes are everywhere here.
@ Billy Jag 9:44
BWAAAAHAAAHAHAHAAA!!!!
How about that shit.
No wonder Travis was on Xanax, I would be too, a noble primate, living that way.
BWAAAAHAAAHAHAHAAA!!!!
How about that shit.
No wonder Travis was on Xanax, I would be too, a noble primate, living that way.
It's the unmistakable Molestache™. I'm used to seeing this look on To Catch A Predator.
# posted by : 1:54 PM
: 1:54 PM
Mila Kunis after a 48 hour meth binge and some tool, with a 45 degree off kilter hat and fag stash...WOW
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# posted by : 1:47 PM
: 1:47 PM << Home
