Thanks DB1. You were gonna ease up heading into the weekend and bam!- the poo dog. As soon as the clock strikes five, it's head first into a twelve pack of Busch. It's been a rough week.
 

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I come to the site for the first time today and I see him.

I am going back to my meeting.

This blows.
 

DB1, How often do you actually talk about the website when you are out on the town chasing the Hott?

You must be really good at that crucial moment when the Hott asks you what you do, and you have to ever so delicately explain that you run a blog, and then inevitably have to name it.

just curious
 

That is some stupendous ass pear.
 

Would it have killed Phil to actually type hotchickswithdouchebags.com?

Who knew this site was so devoted to the female cause?





Oh, and boobies.
 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PLINKY! I LOVE YOU.
 

That ass pear was a treat to behold.

Speaking of holding, now I'm in need of an extra sock. I never know how much there will be until after I'm done. Cleanup is always so messy. I always cry when it's over, because I'm not sure who to ask whether it was good or not.

Happy weekend ass pear. Happy weekend indeed.
 

nice Photoshop work Mike. that was very disturbing, and yet made me feel peckish.
 

RELEASE THE GOO
 

Splendid Friday Thoughts. As usual, I may have to revisit later to fully digest the enormity of everything.

For now, I see that my hour draweth nigh. Indeed, the sweet smell bourbon croons ear-delicious melodies to me from the drawer of my desk. She speaks of exotic and mysterious far away lands, of serendipitous romances, and of mule taints roasting on the barbeque. Ahhhh. Time to bang bitches and drink… as they say amongst the heathen.

Sweat, Sweat loss of sobriety.

I would like to thank the Academy, Scro Tep’s sideboob hott, the brilliant commentary that coincided with Chico’s Tatt, reader Mike's courageous photoshop skills, the spectacle of everything Poo, and most of all… our boss and humble narrator in all things douchey / hottie suckle thigh: Mr. DB1. You keep us all feeding like Plinky’s mom at your trough of debaucherous boobie delicacies and the dastardly donkey-humping douchebags that defile them.

Cheers to all, and to all a drunk night.



P.s.

Plinky, when you wake up without morning wood tomorrow, and your anus gapes like a toothless lamprey… then, and only then, will my very special birthday present to you be fully realized.

Have fun mi amigo!
 

http://www.bluehens.com/sportsinfo/mens_lacrosse/roster08-rohacik.html

would this be Nub stage 1? If so obviously he wasn't infected until sometime freshman year apparently...
 

Plinky, admit it, you suck.
 

Hey Ted, you've got some on your... ah...there, on your... no the other... oh, who am I kidding. That's the only place he doesn't have any on him.
 

@ pfah

You say that now, but later after you've been drinking and you make me try on wigs with you and you slap me accros the face with a small Vietnamese boy we'll see how much you mean it.


@ Crucial

You say the prettiest things. When's your wife "going out of town" again? I miss her.
 

Isn't being a "top freshman" like being a "smart retarded guy?"
 

I admit it, I suck
 

don't say that, be strong! we are WAY funnier than plinky. all the comments we post that nobody reads because we're too dense to get a handle. they're just missing out on all that funny!

be strong; be anonymous.
 

I know what it is, we're not gay.
 

I wish men could get pregnant

I would really like someone to blow a load inside me
 

Serbia!
Greatest country in the world,
All other countries are run by little girls, ...
 

I feel I must apologise for the following strong words but.....

Nub ...... whattacunt!

What the holy flaming fuckwad?

Also, what are compression shorts? What happens if you wear them in a decompression chamber?

And that satans turd hotdog abomination made my arse pucker, and not in that good way that I like.

Please, somebody pee in my butt.

On a brighter note, have a great weekend all!
 

thank you from all the ass-men out there.
 

Tonight - roasted trout with mashed parsnips and veggies in a wine sauce.

Followed by 200ml of Iceberg Vodka that is slowly gelling in my freezer.

On ice made of spring water.

With a squeeze of lime.

wow. I gotta gets me some of that!

I'll turn up later.

Drunk as fuck.

TT
 

Kudos to "Reader Mike." The "Poo Dog" made me actually chuckle. A rare feat Mike. BTW can that guy actually look in the mirror and see anything other than a faux burn victim? What a wanker.

- Douchey Smurf
 

Clemens said that if he were on steroids a third ear would grow out of his forehead. What the Hell is Giambibag on to get a full grown (and dressed) Hott to grow out of his right cheekbone?

I mean, does he paw the ground with his hoof to figure out what the count is???

Shit.
 

@Maiden:

I looked him up too...great minds think alike. :) I was trying to compare the facial features, and I do believe that's him.

Also...he speaks Norwegian? Is that so he can get his hands on some Scandinavian Hotts?
 

Thanks DB1, for an incredible week of very disturbing visuals, inspiring the regulars here to equally disturbing wordios, and to Crucial for some very nice "onomato-poo-ia" and alliteration.

Oh, and Ass-Pear.
 

Ass Pear Good.
 

haven't made it to other links, probably won't

Ass Pear o' Gus
 

Samurai Scrøte traveled back in time to yesterday to pee in his own butt; he held it all in until today; he released it when he went back to pee in his own butt, starting a cosmic loop that will eventually result in the Universe being filled entirely with his pee.

Now are you scared?
 

That object on the horizon that Ass Pear is gazing upon is Samurai Scrøte's flaccid penis.
 

I've been staring at ass pear all afternoon, and dreaming of being the one taking that picture on that sunny beach. After I take the picture I lick her butt until my tongue is raw, then she licks my butt just once, and I lose my juice.

Ass Pear.
 

@ plinky-

Its your birthday? Happy birthday buddy! Mine is next week, though my party is tomorrow night, where i plan to go out to hollywood, and douche it up at a douchey bar, then dry hump some poor unsuspecting hott, and finally have my brother drive my drunk ass home, where i will try to use my tears as lube for masturbation, only to find out i can't get it up.

hope yours is equally as soul destroying my friend.
 

Ass Pear.
 

Hey guys, what's happening, anything new? You see, I just got home from work andOH, SWEET JUPITER, THAT ASS PEAR! SWEET, LIFE-GIVING ASS PEAR! Behold, so TENDER, so GIGANTIC, so fatally THERE.

Oh! that I may be reincarnated as her bicycle seat...
 

Alas, my friday has sucked thus far, as I am suffering from a flu. Hopefully I will be able to enjoy the California sun tomorrow instead of hiding in my cave, drooling over the ass pear
 

That ass pear is yucky...unless she spins around and there is a huge fucking cock on the other side


yum
 

Happy Birthday, Plinky, I'm sure your Momma remembers the event as if it were yesterday.

And if you are a foot fetishist, another gape at Ass Pear will show her finely high-arched peds.

If you are both and foot and ass fetishist, you've hit the jackpot.

Er, coinslot. Er, jack-in-the-pulpit. Er, jack-off at her outfit.
Er, whatever you prefer to do on a Friday evening.
I got the damn flu so I'm headin' back to bed to nurse the 101plus fever.

Speaking of the flu, it reminds me homonymically of one of my favorite limericks:

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the flea, "Let us fly!"
Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

Try sayin' THAT one after several drinks!
 

@plinky

for your B-day, my butthole gives you 2 snaps
 

Is that Giambibag doing a "I did steroids TWICE" sign, or just Meatloaf with a short haircut.
 

POO DOG has got to be the ugliest scrote on this site, hands down, in months. I wouldn't even lift my leg to pee on his caramel porcelain crackle finish butt.
 

Poo Dog is so ugly, my mistress' two porcelain foo dogs cracked and fell apart when they laid their pale Celadon green eyes on him.
 

Sorry, this gets so good...bed be damned....

Poo dog is so ugly, Mr Bill had a heart attack when he started to take a bite into his NYC sidewalk wiener. "Oh, Noooooo!!!!"
 

Poo Dog is so ugly, the staff at Gumps had to hide all the foo dogs from his prying eyes lest he break them too, and the mistress(spouse) wouldn't be able to replace hers.
 

Hello Ass Pear? Will you be listening to Led Zeppelin tomorrow? 'Cause I hope the thong remains the same.

Mr. Bronstein.... Given your proclivities towards women like Sharon Stone, I imagine you're a fan of the stronger members of the fairer sex. I find your wry wit and wordsmithing to be quite appealing. I'm an excellent cook and can mete out a variety of corporal and emotional punishments to your liking. Call me.


Adriana Lima....what. the. fuck. are. you. doing.
?????
He must have a twelve inch trouser snake that can sing like Andrea Bocelli. I should talk, I can't say I started going for men who were towards the higher end of the evolutionary scale until about 2 years ago. Well, Adriana, when you decide to move up a few links on the chain, call me. Phil Bronstein will be here, have you two met?

Nub....fuck you. That is all.

I didn't get the Dutch link. Can anyone help me out with that one?

Kevin Rudolf...I never heard of him until now. All I can say is that in his next television appearance, he better be getting drawn and quartered, with Flyteeth buzzing in the horses' ears to drive them even madder.

Mike....Poo Dog....Good work, but now I'm going to have nightmares....

Time for Friday night porn and pasta. Later, y'all.
 

Poo Dog is uglier than a long-haired cat's furball mixed with Fancy Feast Salmon.
 

Poo Dog is the talking turd the neighbor's Rottie dropped on my periwinkle and ivy bed one evening,
after I'd had three tequilas.

Leading to three more.
 

@ Rookie:
I just went with the # on his jacket and look familiar enough so went with it...
 

Ahhhh.... Thank you, Medusa Oblongata. Your words have refreshed me, brought me out of the buzzing hive of Ass Pear hypnosis. I've been sitting here at the computer completely under it's spell, barely registering the fact that I'm starving, I'm still in my uncomfortable work clothes, and I really have to pee.

Now, let me get a few Weight Watchers Calzones in the microwave while I queue up my "Lost In Space" dvds.
 

BTW, well done, whoop-di-douche! Well done!
 

I can't stop staring at the Ass Pear.
 

I understand, Ass Pear's Biggest Fan, I really do. I was once like you: glued to the screen, unable to accomplish basic tasks due to Ass Pear-induced tunnel vision. I was strung out. Emaciated. Cold. Scared. And alone.

But now you gotta be strong for me, Ass Pear's Biggest Fan, okay? You gotta be strong and trust me. Now, give me the mouse... nice and easy... Just give me the mouse. No one needs to get hurt here... I'm trying to help you but you gotta help me, okay? Give me the mouse, friend...
 

MILESTONE!
Bang the fucking Gong, Neal Peart; greatest drummer to ever live!!!

I am Officially better looking than ADRIANA (supervirgin) LIMA'S Fucking Husband!!

AH-YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

...

but then again so is Travis, the insane 200lb. Face-Eating, Senior-Citizen-Killing Chimpanzee...

ah fuckit; -Small victories! A Win Is a Goddamn Win!!!
 

Does Ted's bitch have twelve fingers?
 

Jessica Biel - you are my favorite person at this moment DB1. If you could defame JT by high-lighting his douchey attributes, you would be a deadset hero. I haven't had a good nights sleep since that rodent hooked up with her.

I didn't understand the Dutch link but preumably they mentioned HCwDB in there somewhere?

Fuck me if you buggers aren't getting funnier. My neighbours are probably enjoying the change from my raging at MMORPGs. You all will be happy to know I have now disavowed all MMORPGs and am acing rehab.

And, ass pear. And boobies. Let's not forget suckle thigh...ass pear.

Ah, now I understand the circle of life.
 

and if she does, why do they look like 12 of Donks shrivelled Dongs?
 

BIG ~ FAT ~ TITTIES
 

Suck it Dark Socks, You live a life of misery, SUCK IT
 

Dark Socks stimulus package is the one in my pants, especially when he cups it. MMMMM, you got warm hands man
 

Dark Socks digs German men in big underwear, when their ass flaps in the wind, Dark Socks flaps himself in the shower, and Plinky smiles.
 

Dark Socks is ok with the troop pullout, even as he enters his troops into Plinky's nether regions
 

Dark Socks gives 0% financing on taint licks, Sign up now before he starts charging 12 % again
 

Holy crap Crimson Ted, you are too much. Is that cocaine on your face? You are a legend...a true legend.
 

Oh yeah....I love that pic, medusa....apple pie... hahaha
 

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So, I'mback and I'm fucking hammered.

UG.

(homer)
mmmmmmmmmmmm....aaaaasss pear....
(/homer)

Poo Dog reminds me of doing acid and taking a crap and watching my turds stand up and sing. they smiled. Just like that.

Nub needs his nads removed.

I'd cally Holly a whorey old thing, but that would be redundant.

Crimson Ted is like a can of schlitz. Cold, crappy, and full of pee.

Dinner rocked. Instead of straight up on the rocks, I made a pint sized SeaBreeze. BANG!

And ass pear, how I would foofwa in your hooha.
 

TROY tEMPEST LIKES TO MIX AND MATCH, WELL NOT HIS FURNITURE, BUT HIS PUSSIES AND BUTTHOLES
 

I love you Troy Tempessth.....
 

@medusa

Since you mentioned Zeppelin. I don't know why I find that as funny as I do.

"Did you DANCE with a girl in the 7th grade?"
 

Crucial once asked me the meaning of life----He already had the answer-----they are called snow balls
 

Did anybody else catch the ironic NSFW pic's of Sharon Stone in the sidebar of the Phil Bronstien piece?
 

@ TT

Best post ever brah! It's about time you hopped on the wagon, or is it off the wagon? Well whatever slainte!

Ok um er I'm gonna pull the long time reg card here to vent (drunkenly, what else right?) but Jebus fucking Christo did I read it right that Limatime married pervestache? The best waste of sperm I can imagine married a pervestache? 1 she's Brazilian. 2 she's a supermodel (whatever the fuck that is). 3 She was purportedly saving herself for her husband. Now I'm not a dumbass, I just play one on TV so I think that there is 0 chance that this chick was cherry at the age of 27 but, Fuck look at her! I'd saw Plinky in half just to lick sweat residue she left behind on a hotel toilet seat. That guy? Are you fucking kidding me? I read a story where she bitch slapped a prince of some country in Europe or Egypt or some shit one his birthday one time and she marries this? Dude has to have a 3 foot long dong. That's all I'm saying.

Oh and Mrs O. please strap me, unl-ubed, tonight I feel I deserve a little extra special pain after this week. Oh and if you buy the Grand Slam at Denny's I'll gladly slurp laundry gimps pee from from your shoes again.
 

The alcohol has finally kicked in enough for me to click on DB1's linkies. Good thing I waited, because Nub perusing the discount wear and Poo Dog are definitely not for the sober.

And the latest Ass Pear... I would floss my teeth with that thong.
 

Suck it D. baggins, no one cares about your lame diatribe about 2 people no one even cares about. Try again chump
 

@ anon 6:59, 7:03, 7:13, 7:15 and 7:18

Sock you fat gay piggy we all know it's you in your pathetic attempt to whore as much attention for yourself as you can possible get. You suck seal penis and whale blubber you fat gay eskimo.
 

Hi Kids!

Did I miss anything?




I mean aside from the fact all Anons are cokeheads from Boston.

I can't WAIT for 4/28!

Cheers!
 

The whale blubber is great, slides down like quarter inch oysters. The seal penis, well you gonna have to clue me in on that, I prefer chimps fool
 

Dammit! I can't even get a good anon stalker. Plinky is that you? I'm barebacking your mom right now, at least I think I am. Maybe it's just a fold of fat, but I'm drunk and it feels good so fuck you.
 

I ove uou d. Bagins and idhgo Hot Poit. an even Plinkuy''s lurking corpse.

les al get togethr an rape a giant tube sokc.


oh alkohol..... wherefo arrt thouu?/
 

Meh, Plinky drinks my seminals. His mom you can bareback till she chafes to death. I on the other hand have a bed to go dry hump, then drift off in a semen drenched dry dream.

Ahoy fellow faggots, bed time for this Anon.
 

Later Croosh. Till the next time our bottles plink together. I'd love you too if I had an 8 ball of X and a half gallon of Laphroaig.
 

Oh and asspear for the BOING! Kudos for the late night, raging drunk stiffy admin. Keep up the valiant work
 

I ove uou too, Crucial. ♥

And if you're gonna love me and d. Baggins at the same time, who gets to be on top?
 

@reader mike

Thanks for snapping me out of that. DB1 better not post any more of that ass pear or I might not be able to function for long periods of time.

I do love that ass pear though . . .
 

Okay so maybe the crowd I hang with just aren't douchey enough, but what does that hand gesture even MEAN.
 

POOOO DOOOOG! I just woke my wife up to show her this. She wasn't as amused as I'd hoped. God I love this neighborhood.
 

@ Mr. White 8:11

BWAAHAHAAAAAA...And Vic reminds me of you. I haven't forgotten the legendary Real Avatar Tuesday, my bespectacled, silken-haired math-magician, sluuuurp....

@ D. Baggins 8:17
You want bacon or sausage? (adjusting my feeldoe)

@ everyone
Holy raging rhino shit. You guys are a bunch of disgusting, drunken whorebags. I go off and make a nice meal (not as good as what was on at Troy's, but whatever) and I come back to a booze-soaked whackfest. If I knew it was that easy, I'd have extended the invitation to Casa Oblongata, BYOB. And then I'd have done things to all of you that Pol Pot couldn't forgive, taken pictures and blackmailed the bleeding fuck out of each and every one of you.

And then I would have made some nice muffins to take home with you.
 

@ douchetoevsky
Like the new pic. Are you challenging me to a gun fight?
 

in another lifetime, i woulda thought that the combined invocation of Holly Madison + Adriana Lima would be enough to ward off any doucheforce from invading my cranium for at least 24 hours.

oh how i've MISunderestimated the dark side, the dark douche.

also, completely random announcement: i will be gearing up to make Watchmen references in next week's douchemocking. waiting for the movie is like waiting for Christmas, goddamnit.
 

@ O

Kipper for me it is, after all, lent or passover or easter or some shit.
 

First off, I'm, slightly sheepish in saying: I love the site. I brings me joy, while making me feel dirty.

I have questions:

1) What is the etymological origins of the "douche"? My brother said that he first heard the term used on South Park - "The Biggest Douche in the Universe", which he thought referred to the notorious queer-convertin' Phelps family Westboro church. Through semi-serious research it was discovered that no; the biggest douche was John Edwards - U.S. political wannabee. I wonder, though, where "douche" comes from - other than Dante's seventh ring. Are it's origins not political? Are we moved somewhere different by foisting the "douche" tag on the likes of Xenu and Fung? I'm no hater - just a serious douche-hater.

2) I live in the Yukon. A tough northern country where there are, most thankfully, no Poos, no Fungs, no Millenium Bags, no douchebags as we know and love to hate them (though I will send pics when I've discovered the first "Marsh Lake Scrote-specimen". But there must be 'bags here too. As there must be 'bags in Harare, in Riga, and on the South Georgia Islands. Is it possible for comparative Douchy analysis? - or is "The Douche" strickly an urban, western, phenomenon?

Keep on rocking in the Douche-World,
Douche By DoucheWest
 

@Douche by douchewest
They had some scheme recently in the UK where for one hour on one day everyone who was a member of the RSPB (bird protection charity) sat in their garden and counted what birds, how many, they saw. Maybe DB1 needs to get his loyal baghunters to do the same one Friday night (but with 'bags)? Then plot the number of hits geographically (Google Earth kml?) and generate a scrote-density plot.

It'd be a public service - people could use it to plan holidays that avoid the greatest concentration of orange choadery. You could even do it by category - see if emo-douches are distributed differently from faux-Kettleheads and so on. Might have to normalise it to take into account the variation of their habitats with latitude/locale (unlikely to get too many beach-bags in Sweden for example) but this is the sort of project that could evolve in to that. Just need to get the data in with as much supporting information as possible.
 

@ Medusa Oblongata-

i thought that's what you meant when you told me to 'whip it out'.....
 

Douche By DoucheWest:

I'm down in Ontario and there's more of them here than where you are, but NOWHERE near as many as there are in the States.

From my research (much of it first hand) there is no actual center to douchebaggery - its model is more pathogenic. That said, some areas attract Douchebags WAY more than others, and I would submit to DB1 and others that this could be mapped or charted using colour codes, say of the ROYGBIV spectrum.

Red: Northeastern NJ (basically inside the 287 loop), Long Island (everything from Brooklyn to Medford), NYC, Los Angeles and Las Vegas.

Orange: Northern and Central NJ, Scottsdale Arizona (why they flourish there is unknown and needs research), Miami, San Diego, Chicago.

Yellow: Detroit, Boston, Providence, Philadelphia.

etc. and so on.

I would put Yukon in the deep violet, along with Nunavit, Nepal, Mongolia, Kenya, Saudi Arabia, Botswana, etc. to be a real douchebag requires money for hair gel and bling. Places that are poor (Zimbabwe) or remote (Yukon) are less likely to either have the money or the access to the accoutrements of douchebaggery.

I would venture to guess that Labrador and Greenland are also pretty weak on douchebags.

The problem is, the Greico Virus is virulent and damaging, and the results are so extreme, anyone with any sense naturally over-reacts to its presence, if but for the odor the victim emits - a noxious mix of AX body spray and poo. There is local variation, of course. The NJ/NYC area has its guido infestation which has it's own scent (as Ginny the Guido would say: YEAH - DEZE AHMPITS - DEY SMELL LIKE FAHKIN' GAHLIC!!! SO FAHK YOU!!!) which is very different from the LA douche who is trying to break into the porn industry and smells more like hair product and AX spray, or the lowlife Chicago bags who just smell like rotting poo.

The European variants of douchebaggery tend to be more farcical. They tend to be more aware of themselves as assclowns, and as a consequence they are more self consciously douchey. In some ways, I see Mayerbag as a kind of hybrid between the dumbfuck American douche and the more self-conscious European variety.

More later.
 

Awareness of their douchery is not a given over this side of the pond. Was greeted in a clothes shop recently by some faux-hawk topped tight-shirt douche. "Can I help you sir?"... Wanted to say "Well, clearly not. In fact let me go further and say that the only reasons I would listen to your advice on things sartorial would be to give them huge negative weighting." But in the end I didn't. Because standing behind him was another assistant. A hott, of course, and I was lost in reflection as to how they are found together so unfairly often. And not just standing there thinking "Boobies".
 

@ C. Heston:

Actually, no, that wasn't me, nor is Rubbery Gaping, contrary to popular belief. I'm not FLYTEETHE either, though I'm 99% sure who is. And anyway, if I were an attention whore, wouldn't I be posting under my name, 24/7?


or are you talking to the other Sock? Who is also not me.

I'm so confused.
 

Me. Pee. Ass Pear. You know...
 

You'd pee in her butt?
 

I can't believe Crimson Ted bagged Aeon Flux, what a pimp (Piece of Indestructible yet Malformed Poo).
 

@anon 10:21

Me too!
 

The guy that wrote the Adriana Lima story has a last name of "Skeets". How appropriate.
 

That ass pear has got me short of breath.

I want to put that thong in my mouth. She wouldn't even have to remove it first.
 

I prefer the anons, the regulars smell of book bindings. I work in a library and I hve heard better diatribes from the rats that eat the bindings. You suck, now back to Great Expectations SUCK IT FOOLS
 

ohhh and 105 BIZZNITCHEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
 

@ Anon 2:20 and 2:22 -

Yeah, I remember my first joint...
 

Sock

It's bong hits friend, nobody over the age of 24 rolls joints and if they do they are referred to as blunts.

Sorry you're getting old buddy, I could hook you up with some gingko biloba and viagra if it would help you out. I know you old timers have some "problem areas". What do they say? The memory or the member is the first to go. Damn I can't wait to grow up (note sarcasm). I still think you're funny tho.
 

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