Saturday, February 21, 2009
Crimson Ted Saturday
Crimson Ted senses there is a sexy brunette behind him.
But Crimson Ted does not need to turn to see her.
For Crimson Ted knows all he needs to know.
EDIT: Inspired by Mike's work yesterday, Gaijindouche has whipped up a second Crimson Ted Spectrometer.
EDIT #2: And Mike follows up Gaijundouche's work with a Crimson Ted Facial Averaging Spectrograph.
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he's a frankendouche-
nikki sixx 'rock hair'
gerard butler's fugly brother
russell crowe facial pubes
george hamilton orange glow perma-tan
nikki sixx 'rock hair'
gerard butler's fugly brother
russell crowe facial pubes
george hamilton orange glow perma-tan
If middle blonde from the last pic couldn't get his attention, nothing will. That girl was as observable an occurrence if ever there was.
It wasn't the vigorous and public sodomizing Jack was receiving that humiliated him so much as Gary Oldman's insistence on carrying on inane cocktail banter while pounding his ass.
Dane cook?
Hey, you are NOT FUNNY. Yelling a joke while gesticulating wildly does not make that joke funny, insightful, or well written. Take lessons from Darksock, Crucial, Mr White, etc. and work on it.
This looks like a scene from a Guy Ritchie movie. You know, the one where the orange douche is forced into the London underworld, gets in a climactic gun battle, characterized by a gratuitous titty scene, though never with any romantic angle.
***Huge fan of 'Snatch' and 'Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels'.
Hey, you are NOT FUNNY. Yelling a joke while gesticulating wildly does not make that joke funny, insightful, or well written. Take lessons from Darksock, Crucial, Mr White, etc. and work on it.
This looks like a scene from a Guy Ritchie movie. You know, the one where the orange douche is forced into the London underworld, gets in a climactic gun battle, characterized by a gratuitous titty scene, though never with any romantic angle.
***Huge fan of 'Snatch' and 'Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels'.
ahahahahaha!
Brilliant DS. Fucking Dan Larroquette. How did I miss that one?
Undead night court prosecutor... damn!
Brilliant DS. Fucking Dan Larroquette. How did I miss that one?
Undead night court prosecutor... damn!
Clutching her wine, Marley tried to follow Bobby Flay's inspired repartee:
"And then the Chairman unveiled the secret ingredient...Yak Testicles".
Unfortunately all she could think about was Ted's extreme case of bed head.
"And then the Chairman unveiled the secret ingredient...Yak Testicles".
Unfortunately all she could think about was Ted's extreme case of bed head.
Seriously, this looks to be from a movie. That pale, normal looking dude on the right looks like someone I've seen before, I just can't place his face.
Fucking IMDB is pretty worthless for anyone below A-list actors.
Fucking IMDB is pretty worthless for anyone below A-list actors.
Others would often seem uncomfortable whenever Ted expounded on his belief in the immutable truth of impermanence.
His ability to sense normal social ques having been underdeveloped due to an apathetic childhood, Ted could never understand why all the hot chicks he sought always seemed to go for douchebags.
Wolfgang "Amadouches" Mozart looked everywhere for Bill and Ted but they were nowhere to be found. The atmosphere in the concert hall was tense and the crowd that had gathered for the opening of his newest work The Magic Meatflute seemed anxious about the upcoming performance.
His adventure was less than excellent.
His adventure was less than excellent.
Two innocuous partygoers are visibly disturbed when the oranged vaporous miasma of Crimson Ted spontaneously materializes into his corporeal form...His teleportation abilities have shuttled him between the crawlspace of the space and time allowling Crimson Ted to exit the realm of the velvet red couches and onto another plane of existence, RANDOM PARTY UNIVERSE.
Crimson Ted seeks to conquer and vanquish
Crimson Ted seeks to conquer and vanquish
# posted by 
: 10:25 AM
: 10:25 AM
I once had a crush on a guy like this - he was way into MMA, UFC and watching anything showing guys rolling around on the floor with other guys.
Nowadays whenever I see dipshit wannabe rock n roll bad boys like dispeptic , week-old beard Ted here all I need to do is go the a show featuring real talent and it becomes easy to ignore.
Last night I took in "dada" at the House of Blues on Sunset in L.A. It was a night where intellect outweighed idiocy, for once.
Not only are these three virtuouso musicians doing things that 98% of the musicians in the Billboard Top 100 couldn't begin to understand (kind of like Boston Douchebag's difficulty with humor and irony) there was NOT A SINGLE DOUCHEBAG in sight.
No mandanas, faux-hawks, shirtless greasewanks, nada, zero, zip.
So fuck little Ted here as I nurse my hangover (they had Stella Artois beer, nice ) because he is poo, he is wannabe Baldwin brother, Chooch Baldwin, and there's an empty Jack bottle in mid-hurtle towards his face as this photo was snapped.
Last night I took in "dada" at the House of Blues on Sunset in L.A. It was a night where intellect outweighed idiocy, for once.
Not only are these three virtuouso musicians doing things that 98% of the musicians in the Billboard Top 100 couldn't begin to understand (kind of like Boston Douchebag's difficulty with humor and irony) there was NOT A SINGLE DOUCHEBAG in sight.
No mandanas, faux-hawks, shirtless greasewanks, nada, zero, zip.
So fuck little Ted here as I nurse my hangover (they had Stella Artois beer, nice ) because he is poo, he is wannabe Baldwin brother, Chooch Baldwin, and there's an empty Jack bottle in mid-hurtle towards his face as this photo was snapped.
Crimson Ted stares across room after arriving via his orangenesis teleportation from the Realm of The Velvet Red Couches. Gazing upon the ranges and unware that his spontaneous materialization rudely interrupted a enchanting conversation between Rosette Red Head and Guy. Crimson Ted searches the dimension he appears in and his blank unfazed stare pierces across the plane of RANDOM PARTY UNIVERSE
The Crimson Ted Adventures
Chapter 2
The Crimson Ted Adventures
Chapter 2
# posted by : 10:34 AM
: 10:34 AM
The Crimson Ted Adventures
Chapter 3
Crimson Ted summons his energy as he spots the visage of Goraji The Galactic Gremlin from afar. Words serve no importance here as Crimson Ted cocks his head to the left. His hirsute sprites crackle with the discharge of his metaenergy as Crimson Ted reaches full power. The Beard of Justice sprouts from Crimson Ted's puffy jaw clenched in anticipation. Goraji The Galactic Gremlin nears closer and begins to spawn a Mekasuka Energy Blast. Meeehh....kaaaaaa....suuuuu..kaaaaaaaaa!
The ball of concentrated neuralkinetic energy careens toward Crimson Ted. Yet as calm as the soft fleshy thigh of Rosette Red Head. Crimson Ted does not flinch nor tense. He prepares a counter...
Chapter 3
Crimson Ted summons his energy as he spots the visage of Goraji The Galactic Gremlin from afar. Words serve no importance here as Crimson Ted cocks his head to the left. His hirsute sprites crackle with the discharge of his metaenergy as Crimson Ted reaches full power. The Beard of Justice sprouts from Crimson Ted's puffy jaw clenched in anticipation. Goraji The Galactic Gremlin nears closer and begins to spawn a Mekasuka Energy Blast. Meeehh....kaaaaaa....suuuuu..kaaaaaaaaa!
The ball of concentrated neuralkinetic energy careens toward Crimson Ted. Yet as calm as the soft fleshy thigh of Rosette Red Head. Crimson Ted does not flinch nor tense. He prepares a counter...
# posted by : 10:46 AM
: 10:46 AM
Fffffrrrrprppppppthpppthpthpppp......pp...thp...thp...spt.
Yeah, that was lowbrow and childish. Sue me.
Or beat me up for 10K.
Yeah, that was lowbrow and childish. Sue me.
Or beat me up for 10K.
Ok, I was going to rewrite "The Grinch Song" for Ted here, starting with the line:
"You're a douchebag, Crimson Ted."
But when I started on the remaining lines, I just couldn't find anything better than the originals. So just substitute "Crimson Ted" for "Mr. Grinch" and he's got a theme ready made. Damn, I thought I was going to be clever, too. Ah, well, I'm sure we'll be seeing this bloated carcass again on Monday.
"You're a douchebag, Crimson Ted."
But when I started on the remaining lines, I just couldn't find anything better than the originals. So just substitute "Crimson Ted" for "Mr. Grinch" and he's got a theme ready made. Damn, I thought I was going to be clever, too. Ah, well, I'm sure we'll be seeing this bloated carcass again on Monday.
I agree that he's got a bit of Dane Cook, and although I didn't see it at first, Gerard Bulter.
It's just missing a little Patrick Roy. Could be because I'm Canadian.
... and I love her hand-grips... er... I mean her hair.
It's just missing a little Patrick Roy. Could be because I'm Canadian.
... and I love her hand-grips... er... I mean her hair.
# posted by : 11:41 AM
: 11:41 AM
Since faking his death in 1984, Andy Kaufman had adopted a new persona as Bagka Gasass, a pop singer from Caspiar.
While he was always popular with the ladies, Bagka felt a bit uncomfortable when the auburn haired beauty next to him reached down and firmly squeezed his johnson.
While he was always popular with the ladies, Bagka felt a bit uncomfortable when the auburn haired beauty next to him reached down and firmly squeezed his johnson.
To compensate for his extremely small shoulders, Ted tricked his hair out by putting a cat on his head and fingering it's butthole.
Ted had an awkward moment at the fern convention: when he realized they weren't actually serving clam chowder he couldn't decide whether to spit or swallow.
I don't know how to post pics in the comments.
http://i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll18/John_m_3/segalistedcrimson.jpg
Steven Segal IS.....
TED CRIMSON!
http://i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll18/John_m_3/segalistedcrimson.jpg
Steven Segal IS.....
TED CRIMSON!
@ Gaijindouche
Very nice. Thats a scene from his upcoming film Ruslan- A former Russian mobster named Ruslan, who is now a crime novelist, returns home and discovers his daughter is marrying his arch nemesis. His past also comes back to haunt him when his family is threatened. Hungry for justice, Ruslan returns to the life he once knew... with a vengeance...
Very nice. Thats a scene from his upcoming film Ruslan- A former Russian mobster named Ruslan, who is now a crime novelist, returns home and discovers his daughter is marrying his arch nemesis. His past also comes back to haunt him when his family is threatened. Hungry for justice, Ruslan returns to the life he once knew... with a vengeance...
hahaha!
I'll be damned if that does not sound like an actual Steven Segal Movie.
It's just missing a 3 word title.
I'll be damned if that does not sound like an actual Steven Segal Movie.
It's just missing a 3 word title.
It is one of his upcoming movies! I cracked up when it fit my theme of Yuri, the Russian cocaine kingpin disco owner.
(sorry for the multiple deletes... I misclicked the submit button)
(sorry for the multiple deletes... I misclicked the submit button)
You want Three Word Titles? Here you go:
Fist of Justice
Fingerpoint of Death
Two Diappointed Blonds
Rocking The Velvet
Ruslan: 'Bag Natural
Fury of Anoverratedhasbeentryingtoclingtothelastofhisfifteenminutesoffameunwillingtoadmitthattheworldnolongercaresabouthim
OK, that last one needs work, but it does describe virtually every public appearance of SS for the last few years....
Fist of Justice
Fingerpoint of Death
Two Diappointed Blonds
Rocking The Velvet
Ruslan: 'Bag Natural
Fury of Anoverratedhasbeentryingtoclingtothelastofhisfifteenminutesoffameunwillingtoadmitthattheworldnolongercaresabouthim
OK, that last one needs work, but it does describe virtually every public appearance of SS for the last few years....
# posted by : 1:19 PM
: 1:19 PM
Frame 256 of the Zapruder Film strode boldly into the room, pausing briefly to allow Celebrity Chef Bobby Flay finger his arse.
Crimson Ted just stares
Redhead watches just in case
To avoid Greico
What? It's SATURDAY? Jesus, what the hell....
HEY! Where are my pants?
Redhead watches just in case
To avoid Greico
What? It's SATURDAY? Jesus, what the hell....
HEY! Where are my pants?
# posted by : 1:24 PM
: 1:24 PM
He looks just like Ernest T. Bass from the Andy Griffith Show! (as a douchebag of course, which the real Ernest T. definitely was not).
# posted by : 3:38 PM
: 3:38 PM
Isn't this the same guy pictured in Hot Moms with Orange Anime Villians from earlier in the week. That hair flop on half of his face gives it away. Check it out, regs... I think they are one in the same.
@Douche Unto Others, 4:14 p.m. -
I posted the link to that pic in the previous Crimson Ted comments thread (CTCT?), so I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed the similarities. Actually, Sen. Tom Douchele noticed the resemblance right away - see post #1 of that "Crimson Ted" thread.
Sorry for patting myself on the back before. At least the trashcan is back (for now).
I posted the link to that pic in the previous Crimson Ted comments thread (CTCT?), so I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed the similarities. Actually, Sen. Tom Douchele noticed the resemblance right away - see post #1 of that "Crimson Ted" thread.
Sorry for patting myself on the back before. At least the trashcan is back (for now).
@JCvD 3:09
Nah. Actually, I can't stand those things. I'm always running into some asshole ex-coworker, or getting wrangled into shennanigans on behalf on a drunken current co-worker, and then my sober ass has to free us from the beating/the law/the jell-o pit. Although I would make an excpetion for Philly as I've head mammoth good stuff about it, we're swamped with appointments and going nowhere.
Or, if you were offering to host me in the olive-oil wrestling suite, I could be swayed.
Nah. Actually, I can't stand those things. I'm always running into some asshole ex-coworker, or getting wrangled into shennanigans on behalf on a drunken current co-worker, and then my sober ass has to free us from the beating/the law/the jell-o pit. Although I would make an excpetion for Philly as I've head mammoth good stuff about it, we're swamped with appointments and going nowhere.
Or, if you were offering to host me in the olive-oil wrestling suite, I could be swayed.
This is almost artistic.
The semi-bedhead on Crimson Ted.
The heavy, heavy bags under his eyes.
The clenched jaw.
The hot giving him side eye.
The random dude trying not to make physical contact with Crimson Ted.
If you throw some wings on the side eye hot, it would be a Pre-Raphaelite.
The semi-bedhead on Crimson Ted.
The heavy, heavy bags under his eyes.
The clenched jaw.
The hot giving him side eye.
The random dude trying not to make physical contact with Crimson Ted.
If you throw some wings on the side eye hot, it would be a Pre-Raphaelite.
# posted by : 5:56 PM
: 5:56 PM
All Ted knows for sure is that the hott strawberry blonde spotted his neck goiter; he might as well head home.
all Ted knows for sure is that all the king's oranges and all the king's hair gel couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
All Ted knows for sure is thatScott Thompson, still chatting away behind him, used the lie of a Kids in the Hall reunion special as a shortcut into his pants.
all Ted knows is that there is Uber-douche and there is umber-douche, and he is both.
# posted by : 8:03 PM
: 8:03 PM
All Ted knows is when he scowls long enough and hard enough he channels Beethoven, Oliver Reed and Richard Nixon IN ONE FELL SWOOP.
Now THAT'S scary!!!!!!!
Now THAT'S scary!!!!!!!
# posted by : 8:08 PM
: 8:08 PM
All Ted knows is that the entire load of Brownberry bread he ate the other day has repercussions.
# posted by : 8:13 PM
: 8:13 PM
All Ted knows for sure is that sticking his finger in an electrical socket may be a fast way to get a tan, but it's an even quicker way to wreck his hair.
# posted by : 8:17 PM
: 8:17 PM
All Ted knows for sure is that his Einstein impression isn't going over well in Princeton.
# posted by : 8:19 PM
: 8:19 PM
All Ted knows for sure is that he wishes the damn winter weather would be over so he'd quit getting static electricity charges from rubbing his feet on the carpet as he enters a room.
# posted by : 8:21 PM
: 8:21 PM
all Ted knows for sure is that he has a long ways to go before he's able to harness the power of the Lethally Lethal Hair-Exploding Eye Beams of Deadly Death.
All Ted knows for sure is that unless he finds the keys to his 1973 AMC Gremlin, it's a long walk home.
All Ted knows for sure is that those years as a Page Boy for Barney Frank really paid off..in the end.
All Ted knows for sure is that unless he gets that promotion, he'll no longer be able to afford his monthly hair care bill.
Disgusted with the direction the Boomtown Rats were going, Bob Geldof stormed out of the record party, got drunk, and wrote a crappy Christmas song which millions upon millions of people would come to hate year after year.
Ted is the physical manifestation of all that is weak, low and botched in modern humanity. I would rather be beaten stupid by a mentally impaired, one armed rhesus monkey than ever gaze upon him again. I would sell a quonset hut full of underage Thai girls to drug smuggling Columbians to suck on the Brunette's right ear lobe... I hate having the capacity for introspection.
# posted by : 10:15 PM
: 10:15 PM
@ Anonymous 4:05 PM -
"That dude needs a chimp to the face."
My Uncle Ted was mauled by a chimpanzee in a diaper (the chimp, not Uncle Ted).
You sick fucks on this site think Chimp Maulings are funny? THEY'RE NOT!
Anon, send me a SASE and I'll email you cab fare to Biloxi so we can FIGHT in a CAGE MATCH.
I'LL FIGHT ALL OF YOUUUU!!!!!! BLEEEARRRRGH!!!!
AKKKK! MY CHEST!!!!!!
"That dude needs a chimp to the face."
My Uncle Ted was mauled by a chimpanzee in a diaper (the chimp, not Uncle Ted).
You sick fucks on this site think Chimp Maulings are funny? THEY'RE NOT!
Anon, send me a SASE and I'll email you cab fare to Biloxi so we can FIGHT in a CAGE MATCH.
I'LL FIGHT ALL OF YOUUUU!!!!!! BLEEEARRRRGH!!!!
AKKKK! MY CHEST!!!!!!
^^ that was almost as funny as the 4 hours you spent talking back and forth to yourself alone last night.
ALMOST
ALMOST
Crucial is a funny motherfucker. Maybe you don't get the jokes because they are not being screamed at you by a bonobo jumping around on stage, either way, pull that rubber fist out of your ass and join us here in the grown up world, where we use real fists.
Which is the truth there, shit dick? that you spent the night drinking or that you are laid up after a heart attack?
You see the conundrum, either you are a lying fuckwank or a complete retard.
I'm willing to bet my unopened case of anal-eze it's both.
Which is the truth there, shit dick? that you spent the night drinking or that you are laid up after a heart attack?
You see the conundrum, either you are a lying fuckwank or a complete retard.
I'm willing to bet my unopened case of anal-eze it's both.
To Mr. Mike, who brings us those awesome, superb, spectrometer analyses. Thank you Sir, you are a giant among men, a Photoshop Comedic G'd, a genius in bloom. I salute you Sir.
Best regards,
Disconnected
Best regards,
Disconnected
# posted by : 9:32 AM
: 9:32 AM
Thank you, Disconnected, for the very kind words.
However, my own research into Orange Spectrometry (and in particular the anomalous subject C. Ted), could not have come to fruition without the prior findings of Gaijundouche and our leader DB1.
In other words, I will quote Isaac Newton and say, "If I have seen a little further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants."
On to Sparta...
However, my own research into Orange Spectrometry (and in particular the anomalous subject C. Ted), could not have come to fruition without the prior findings of Gaijundouche and our leader DB1.
In other words, I will quote Isaac Newton and say, "If I have seen a little further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants."
On to Sparta...
To Disconnected, you might be interested to know that C. Ted was not the first attempt at Orange Spectrometry. In fact, my early research revolved around the Oompa Prompa subjects. However, back then I had far less success in capturing an OS reading.
The equipment back then was still primitive by today's standards, and it simply could not handle Oompa Prompa levels of orangeosity. Several prototype machines exploded, and, sadly, two dedicated lab assistants gave their lives to get us the first reliable Oompa Prompa readouts. Let us pause to recognize their sacrifice.
The equipment back then was still primitive by today's standards, and it simply could not handle Oompa Prompa levels of orangeosity. Several prototype machines exploded, and, sadly, two dedicated lab assistants gave their lives to get us the first reliable Oompa Prompa readouts. Let us pause to recognize their sacrifice.
Who can forget the utter genius of the OP analysis.
There was a Major I worked for in the Air Force who was a giant pain in the ass on many levels. He had one saying though that rang true, and I try to keep it in mind when attempting to quantify an intangible.
"What gets measured, gets done."
By orginating the orange spectrometer technology, your contributions to the battle against GV are immortalized. You are akin to the great minds who brought us chemotherapy or mapped the genome.
I am honored to have contributed a small part to your research.
There was a Major I worked for in the Air Force who was a giant pain in the ass on many levels. He had one saying though that rang true, and I try to keep it in mind when attempting to quantify an intangible.
"What gets measured, gets done."
By orginating the orange spectrometer technology, your contributions to the battle against GV are immortalized. You are akin to the great minds who brought us chemotherapy or mapped the genome.
I am honored to have contributed a small part to your research.
Man, would it be safe to assume that if your name is Mike, you are less likely to be a douchebag? That thought helps me sleep at night.
There was a line at the door, because the poo smell could only be washed off by a haz-mat team.
-GuyLaDouche
-GuyLaDouche
# posted by : 3:03 PM
: 3:03 PM
@Gaijin:
Don't forget to wipe ALL my slobber off your coccyx before you you go to bed tonight... that shit's like Alien's blood after a while. Seriously.
Just ask Idaho Hottpott or Medusa or that bald dude named Mike.
And hopefully my second set of lips didn't remove all your taint hair...
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Don't forget to wipe ALL my slobber off your coccyx before you you go to bed tonight... that shit's like Alien's blood after a while. Seriously.
Just ask Idaho Hottpott or Medusa or that bald dude named Mike.
And hopefully my second set of lips didn't remove all your taint hair...
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