I love Friday Donuts and Sausage Links!!!
 

"NOTHING phases me bro!"

yes well douchebag on dating site, being catatonic has its benefits i suppose.

Army of Douche-ness
 

"My sure fire method for making sure that even if a woman FLAKES out on a date—that I'm still getting some ACTION that night."

Is Paul Janka HJBB&D 's yoda?
 

and then there is this:

http://www.holytaco.com/if-t-shirts-said-what-guys-were-really-thinking

DB1 is gonna like the last one more than the first
 

JCvD! JCvD!!! DAMN!!!

DB1: Who gets artist credit, SVP, for the Friday Fung?

See y'all at Jacques!
 

He's the gov of IL, not Chicago man.

And he is indeed an uberdouche ego maniac.
 

Wow DB1! The book must be selling well if you're stepping up to the E&J Gallo wine. I hope to part ways with my Franzia someday.

If your TV deal makes it big, will you finally trade in your '84 Celica for a '93 Miata?
 

damn you plinky's mom, damn you! stop making fun of me and get back to work castrating bulls!
 

@ Crucial

Dude, FOX doesn't pay that much. He'd have to go with the Ford Festiva.
 

He is a total douche. But he thinks because he's banged 132 chicks he's god. When you reach 100 you don't have to count anymore jr. Thanks for playing!
 

In the hole we call plinky's mom a mercy kill. heeee heeeee heeeee.
 

@Anon, 1:34 p.m. -

You beat me to it, though I might add that Richie Daley is indeed the governor of Chicago.....and pretty much runs the state anyway. "Mayor" basically went out the window under Dad's machine.
 

@plinky

I could almost swear I saw DB1 drive by in a light blue Toyota Prius drinking Boones Farm Strawberry Hill...it must be nice livin' the high life like that. Well it's back to my Mad Dog 20/20, I needs me some more inspirations.
 

@Jean Claude, 2:04 p.m. -

You channeling Eddie Murphy there?

"What's a black drink? Heh heh - brothers sittin' there quiet and white guys goin': "Ummmmm, Night Train! Uhhhhh, Mad Dog Twen-ty/Twen-ty! Boone's Farm Strawberry.....yeah, we've been to the movies!"
 

@ Jean Claude Van Douche

Mad Dog 20/20 you say? Thanks for reminding me of that shit. You just gave me my first flashback hangover.

Ass.

Peace out. Great Friday here at Hot Chicks. You guys keep shreddin'!!
 

@JCvD:

Keep the hits a comin'. I'm still waiting for Vin Douchal's next epic song.
 

@Crucial -

I can see it now: the next worldwide YouTube hit will be JCvD's trading card cartoon figures acting out Vin's next opus.
 

Since we're in a mind blowing mode, I’m going to go home, lock the door to my office and nurse a bottle of Del Maguey Pechuga; while thinking about Plinky’s mom’s portly elbow fat, sputtering like wet blankets strung out to dry in gale force winds, as she milks my tender loins onto her stubbly bulldog jowls.

And with that, I will bid you all adieu. It’s been a marvelous week, once again.

¡Vaya con Samúrai Scröte, mi amigos!

(And free that lost little lamb we once knew as Pfah!)
 

DB1, you need not pay an orphan to do what I would gladly do for free. Only I might continue kicking him while hes down...I'll be sure to get video. Guys who touch me while trying to get my phone number get psychically attacked. There is no need for personal space invasion when attempting to get a number.

At least the douche on the dating site had a cute dog. Chicks love puppies, its a great way to lull them into dating you. *Squeal* I JUST WANT TO SNUGGLE AND CUDDLE WITH IT!!! The dog, not him mind you.
 

I always suspected myself but now I have official internets confirmation. I am 71% douchebag, I guess the only question is what in the hell happened to the other 29%?

Are you a douche too?
 

That Prompa picture is genius!
 

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@d.baggins

Well, I was 25% douche so if we stand next to each other we'll equal 96% douche. I think that's quite enough for anyone.

Cracked has a fantastic entry on the "5 worst sources of advice on television." Guess who is #5? Our good friend Mystery from The Pickup Artist. To quote Eric, the author of the entry: "When Mystery walks into a nightclub dressed like a costume shop mannequin in Haight-Ashbury, he's not just saying 'Hey, Look at Me!' - he's saying, 'Hey, Look at Me: I'm a douchebag!'"

Truer words have never been written.
 

Ruh-roh! The Scoobie-Boobie photo is making me reconsider my hitherto unfaltering allegiance to meatsword...
 

Memo to Senor Jankoff:

When the best thing Dr. Phil has to say about you is "He has a definite technique here," that's called "damning with faint praise."

Kind of like when one of your conquests see you naked for the first time and compliments your physique by saying "your surgeon did a terrific job--that thing looks just like a real penis!"
 

Just an aside for all fans of the lovely Elizabeth Banks:

Tonight Show, January 30th

Mouse over the link and see where I found it. Hubba hubba.....and I can see that being in next week's "Friday Thoughts and Links." While I don't know if she'll revisit her comments about the site here, maybe Jay will ask her about the Hallowe'en party. One never knows.
 

Just 8% douche for me, but I'm leaning toward "geek" more than "just a nice guy."
 

s'up bitches?


sorry for the hiatus. aside from work being totally insane, the IT folks backed out on their promise of unblocking the site.

however, there is still hope.

turns out one of the IT guys is a fan of the site and has told me that on Monday he'll secretly unblock it.

so it sounds like i'll be back in full force. it won't be pretty.



i have missed you all. even doc.

keep your swords crossed. soon fellow 'bag hunters. soon.
 

Welcome back, pfah! I hope your IT department does indeed do the cranial/rectal purge and allow you a return to your proper work/life balance. ; )
 

Oh, and tell your IT friend to get a Blogger name and get his ass in here!
 

@ pfah

Proxy is your work friend. Sorta like the office coffee whore who gives out handjobs in the bathroom during lunch.

@ ash

If I stand next to you we would equal 96% douche with an inappropriate boner. I know your married but it never hurts to toss a bone out there every once in a while. He he he said bone.
 

we don't have an office coffee whore.

after this hiring freeze is over, i need to look into hiring someone for that position.
 

@Don't wheeze the douche!...i guess he's commented here before under 'anon'. but yeah, i need to convince him to join this army.
 

38% douche.

to slightly misquote a song title, "i've got a lot of douche'n left to do"
 

I love you Pfah!!!

Gotta go eat dinner. Good to have you back brother.
 

See, I told you pfah wasn't the body that was in the backyard. Great to see you back mang!

On a side note, please please please, hug the person preparing your W-2s if you are at a job that issues them. I have been inundated with paperwork for the past 3 weeks trying to get these fucking things done and it to reconcile out to the other accounting areas it relates to. I'm either going to kill myself or drink myself into a coma.
 

For a second I thought you calling the guitarist from Incubus a 'bag (The guy with Little Rose Hott). For a second, I thought I would have to quit admiring you.
 

@ douchacadabra 5:57PM

Don't know whether to congratulate you on that score or offer my condolences.

I scored a whole 3% on the Douche-o-Meter, which is pretty impressive when you consider that I'm playing with a major handicap: no Y chromosome.
 

I'm rather frightened that I'm douchier than Don't wheeze the douche! I came in at 15%.

So... Paul Janka is definitely the biggest 'tard I've heard of in months. His random capitalization and quotation marks offend me. (Not as a woman, but as someone who speaks English.)

Also, I just got home from my office Christmas party. Yes, Christmas party. In January. And yes, I am slightly drunk.
 

My thought for friday is that having a crazy neighbor who speaks in tongues isn't such a bad thing. It keeps out the riff-raff.
 

@Ashfish:

I feels for ya... my moms was in that line of work for many years and it's a thankless and tireless job this time of year.

So, thank you!

@IdahoHott:

You are drunk. So am I.

You are hott. So am I... at least in the groin.



Let's make babies.




Wait.
 

@ Crucial-

Is your wife hot too? 'cause I might be into it if she is.

Also, I'm too much of a lush to take care of babies. You've seen my nephews and nieces... They're cute 'cause I didn't raise them. Auntie HottPotato takes them into bars to play pool. ASvB and Medusa can back me up on that. ;)
 

@Idaho:

My wife is, indeed hott. And I do have my own daughter. Yikes! Six pulls of mescal just went out the door... heh heh. Better pull a few more.

But I wasn't kidding when I said she looked like Brianna from the ATM post earlier this week.

Ah well, you and I will always have our mocking of the douchebags together. Speaking of which, I best get my ass back to watching my advance screening copy of Benjamen Buttons.

(I have a friend of a friend who has access to such things).
 

I scored a 21% on the douche meter.

I don't know what that means.

So, a funny (true) story from a while back:

An old friend of mine had a kick ass party. People were drinkin, smokin, pukin, furniture getting broken, police come, and then the dancing started. That kind of a party.

So The Next Morning, some Mormons on Parade show up at the door. My friend (who's gay) gets out of bed and pulls on a robe, and stumbled through the wreckage.

He opens the door and the Mormons want to pray with him...

He's standing there at the door, with his hair in 900 different directions, his eyes are bleary and hung over, and his dick is hanging out.

He invites them in.

They step over the puke and make their way to the kitchen, which is where they stuffed the broken furniture. The Mormons sit at the table.

"WANT SOME COFFEE???"

They decline.

"WANT SOME BOOZE???"

They decline.

"WELL I'M GONNA MAKE SOME COFFEE AND HAVE A SMOKE. YOU WANNA CIGARETTE?"

They decline.

They look at the wall. There is a poster that says

"JESUS IS COMING...
all over my carpet..."

And you can imagine what the image was...

They look nervous.

My friend is sitting there smoking a cigarette, and flicking the ashes into a dead Michelob and asks,

"SO LIKE WHAT FUCK ARE YOU IDIOTS SELLING???"

Then his boyfriend in the bedroom yells

"Honey? Who are you talking to?"

The Mormons FREAK and run for the door.

Great stuff. Good times. I think I laughed for three days straight after he told me that.

Oh - DB1 - I am 2 degrees of separation from Little Rose.

I'm also closely not related to Johnny Cash. (My uncle's wife was first cousin to June Carter).

And I've been pulling the nastiest boogers out of my head for a week now. FUCK! I'm so done with winter.

If you haven't noticed I'm completely fucking hammered.

I have to go pee.
 

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@ Crucial -

Now I can't decide if you or your wife is more sponge-worthy, 'cause you are the only Crucial Head for me, yet sweet Brianna floats my boat, and if your wife looks that delicious, then hoooooo, doggie.

Decisions, decisions! Enjoy your movie and mescal while I enjoy the rest of my cheap wine. Cheers!
 

welcome back pfah! that in an of itself should be Friday T&L worthy.

i'ma jack off to Hot Chicks with Scooby Doo. what can i say?
 

@ Troy -

That's what Friday nights are for, man. Drinking, telling stories, and peeing.
 

by the way i can't even complete the douchebag meter because a certain question does not contain the answer that would apply to me. take that, bitches.
 

@chupacabra 6:09PM

either way i think i should drink to that.

must be from the fact that 98.9% of my co-workers are dudes.

and by dudes, i mean 'tards.
 

@pfah-

Hola amigo!

i was gonna design one of those ribbons for all of us to wear to protest your unlawful incarceration.

it was gonna be bald with glasses.





but i went spelunking in plinky's mom's cavernous
hooch and got lost.

i've just now made it back to the surface.


cheers!
 

I'm wanting some scooby snacks and by snacks I mean I want some flesh taco and chest bunnies.

Oh the trading card looks like something right out of "garbage pail kids"

oh wait, that's pretty much the same thing.

DJ
 

@ douchetoevsky

I'm going to have to ask you to refrain from using my clients copyrighted word spelunking in the HCwDB environment. A court of duly appointed douchebags awarded my client publishing rights to that word on HCwDB after some rather nasty litigation with sock. Please cease and desist all usage henceforth or be forced to pay my 10K per usage royalty demands.

Sincerely,
dildouis baggins II's lawyer

aka. Jackie Chiles
 

"Douchebag Seeks Hot Chick on Dating Site":

AHAHAHA - if i had a penny for each asshole that has contacted me on that stupid site with pictures of him flexing his abs, id be rich. I had to specify "if you have pictures of you flexing your abs, go away. Now"

That site fucking sucks. Completely retarded. It might as well be called "Plenty of retards that just wanna get laid"
 

I'm moving to PERU!!! That's right bitches P-fuckin-RU. That way when I'm good and hung at work and I decide that the McD's ketchup pump is a good place to barf in I know that the guberments got my back. Big fuckena to Peru, down with us sots and lushes!
 

Ok mebee not the guberment but at least the courts have my back. Tarmal!
 

too much bud and hornitos reosado tonight.Adios from SouthWest Florida.
 

Paul Janka:

...

Really? I swear he is the mascot for douchitude. I f*#king HATE guys like him. I always walk away from guys like that while they're in mid sentence. After laughing very loudly. And saying "You would like my what? I can't hear you over the sound of your own ego jerking itself off."
 

Nipple Slip! Can't get anything past Scooby and Shaggy.
 

@troy tempest: i loved your rant, bud. please, never stop drinking.
 

Why thank you IdahoHottPotato, you sexxxy lil minx.

ASvB
 

Without reading, without disresepct and without reading any of the above comments, as I've not had my coffee, Rod Blagojevich is/was the governor of the state of Illinois. Mayor Daley is the mayor of the city of Chicago.

And in a tip to the glance I did make at Wheeze's comment before my tired eyes began to glaze over, Mayor Daley is the pretty much the 'mayor of Illinois" anyway, he runs the whole show with a wobbly, potato-eatin' fist.

I hate this town and I hate this state, in case I never made that clear.

Coffee is almost ready, then I will have something more worthwhile to add than correcting others.
 

19%. "you are just a nice guy. Or a geek."

I prefer "dork", TYVM.

@ Idaho Hott 7:10

My oldest nephew, 5 yesrs old, is already cursing in Spanish with no help from me. Damn inner-city public schools! But I see he is destined for greatness the Medusa Oblongata way! Whe he gets the coordination, we shall begin with armpit farts.


@ Troy 7:23
I love your drunken vulnerability. The guarded, stoic academinc front comes down and you regale us with tales of gay, post-coital hijinks and pulling boogers out fo your noggin. You are so dear and real to me now. Let me hold you, little puppet. I hope the cold light of Saturday morning hasn't sharpened the edges of your hangover.
 

Awesome trading card Jean Claude Van Douche. For your next card I would love to see Hall of Scrote veteran "The Gator". There is a lot of collective creative talent in this blog. Reading it is one of my favorite wake and bake activities.
 

So does anybody else here love (ironically)CSI Miami?
 

Were you aware of it?

9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
 

yuck. paul janka. yuck yuck yuck. i hate that man!!!!
 

Rose Schlossberg has bad taste in men already. That musician she's with is a doofus.

Gov Blagojevich may as well be "Gov of Chicago" because he refused to move down to Springfield and into the governor's mansion. He's a Chicago boy, but Daley is too. It's all one and the same MACHINE in Chicago; and state-wide, it's called the COMBINE. (as in the grain harvesting machine). The truth of the Illinois political scene is this: the mayor of Chicago has more power than the governor of Illinois, figuratively and literally. And I'd bet a Chicago Italian beef sandwich on it.
 

I'm so honored to have my Fung artwork posted on teh site....
It is truly the greatest day!!!
Thanks db1.

Stevie Ray Douche
 

Nice work, Stevie Ray Douche!

In case anyone would now like to gouge their eyes, here is the original photo.
 

What is this Douche Meter y'all speak of?
 

yjr lpbr;u...

errrr... move hands to the left...

the lovely Medusa wrote:

@ Troy 7:23
I love your drunken vulnerability. The guarded, stoic academic front comes down and you regale us with tales of gay, post-coital hijinks and pulling boogers out fo your noggin. You are so dear and real to me now. Let me hold you, little puppet. I hope the cold light of Saturday morning hasn't sharpened the edges of your hangover.

Actually, I truly wasn't there. The gentleman (I'll call "George") in question was a fellow I worked with. I knew all about the party, because I was at the party with my (then) lovely (if utterly INSANE) girlfriend, who, for now I will call "Atlanta".

The party was really "off the hook". It was in George's apartment. It was a remarkably large apartment. As you can imagine, a loud crazy party (it was George's 30th bDay) is not a good idea in a giant apartment block.

Atlanta was dancing to the Eurythmics on the coffee table when it collapsed and she bumped her noggin on a chair when she fell. We left shortly thereafter.

When I saw George at work a few days later he told me (and a few of our coworkers) the story of "The Next Morning". He also explained that Atlanta had to either fix or replace the coffee table. I loaned Atlanta the money to replace it (it was standard issue IKEA) and our trip to IKEA was an "event in itself" - a subject of another story altogether, but I won't go into it here.

So, I detest disappointing people I like, but sorry Medusa, I'm not That Interesting in That Particular Regard.

I'm *very* interesting in other regards that I think you might find toe curling, so someday perhaps I'll rhapsodise on such stories...

And I am VERY done with winter. I blew my nose the other day and thought someone had crumbled an entire stale poundcake into my sinuses. Argh.

To D.Baggins v2.0:

Going to Peru?

Then go to iTunes and download "BIG DAY" by Phil Manzanera. Lyrics:

BIG DAY
Taking our time before its through
Passing our days in old shoes
Sister - think I'm returning to Peru.

Wish that I never came here
They can't pronounce my name here
Everyone asks me "Where's Peru ?"

In Peru we've lengthened the day
In Peru we've strengthened the dollar
There are mountains piercing our skies
And the ocean at our shores
I will save up all of my wages
Even retail crummy cosmetics
I will work my passage in stages
As the winter slips away...

Miles of golden beaches
Excellent wines and features
Mister - take a week off in Gay Peru

Penitent monks to stare at
Colonial dons in old straw hats
Everyone's there in Gay Peru
Oo-poo-Peru


In Peru we've lengthened the day
In Peru we've strengthened the dollar
There are mountains piercing our skies
And the ocean at our shores
I will save up all of my wages
Even retail crummy cosmetics
I will work my passage in stages
As the winter slips away...
 

this picture makes me deliriously happy.

i used to collect garbage patch kids. love it.
 

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Blagojevic (that's how it's spelled in Serbian) indeed is an uberdouche, and I'm ashamed to be connected with him, however obliquely...
 

Malaysia's currency is the Ringgit, not Yuan as stated. Tks.