If there was ever a time to bring back Adolf Hitler....
 

Dear Germany,

Payback bitch!

France
 

WTF? There's another 'baghunter in Cologne? We must meet, Herr Doktor Professor! Ubrigens, sind Sie vielleicht ein mitarbeiter beim Max Planck Institut?
Frau Doktor Chupacabra
 

This Just In...

Germany has decided to re-erect (have a field day with that one) the Berlin wall. Except they are going to move it from Berlin to Cologne. And it won't divide the city so much as it will surround one single building.

All of Germany rejoiced at the news. The UN is donating materials and funding for the project.
 

Live sax and percussions! That's amazing!
 

Ed Hardy, Ein ÜberDouche!
 

there goes germany's gnp down the shitter.
 

Ah shit, now you've done it. Medusa Oblongata is going to pop in here all pumped up from her show and this is how you're going to greet her? Hoo, I don't want to be around for that. Call me after you've cleaned up the mess.
 

No worries Germany. Perusing a Macys the other day we passed a monstrous section of Ed Hardy gear at 50% off. DOWN FROM 25% OFF.

Judging by the crowd, which I estimated at zero, then confirmed at zero, they may as have well been selling herpes.

Come to think of it, I'd rather have herpes on my ass than Ed Hardy.

Ed Hardy is past-toast post-haste.
 

Herr Professor Douchemann needs to get himself a Blogger account and get in here.

Damn DB1, if you had left off the greeting and closing, I'd have sworn you wrote that rant yourself.
 

wow- that was well said.

And let us all be humbled that Chupacabra leapt on that like a... well, Chupacabra to livestock
 

@ Don't Wheeze the Douche! 12:47 PM

Herr Professor's message confirms something that I have feared for some time now: Cologne is a Vortex of Douche

What Sedona is for New Age spirituality, and the Bermuda Triangle is for ships and airplanes, Cologne is for mullets, Ed Hardy paraphenalia, and tilted baseball caps. Adding insult to injury, these people know fuck-all about baseball but will kill each other over soccer.

Back in August, I was moved to begin composing my magnum opus, "Cologne Haiku Cycle." Here's a selection:

OMFG: OR, PAEAN TO A HAIRSTYLE
The mullet is not
dead, it merely slouched toward this
town: hair museum.


THE WOMEN OF COLOGNE
Prematurely aged:
bangin' bodies, haggard mugs.
Tanning beds and smokes.
 

The phrase, "Mr. Hardy has decided to make Cologne..." jumped out at me.

Please, Mr. Hardy might be reading this, and we don't need cologne called, "Love Dies Hard" that smells like two-stroke motor oil and tattoo ink.

Never mind--I Googled it--too late!
 

Doucheland!
 

Fuck Ed Hardy and his garbage line of repeat clothes he's selling to a new generation. I think the expression is " Here today, gone tomorrow".
 

please ed hardy: make a new moob shirt
 

That was one of the best Dear DB1's that I've read in a while.

All Germany needs now is an Ed Hardy wearing David Hasselhoff and club Diamonds will be bumpin!
 

We call dingos in the joint who wear Ed Hardy stuff our "wives."
 

@Archidoucheis, 1:15 p.m. -

As long as Hoff does it in a remake of this video.....



@the lovely Chupacabra, 1:01 p.m. -

Very nice haiku!
 

I like Ed Hardy stuff. I think it's nice.^
 

Sometimes I go to dance-fashion shows and there is live sax, but no percussions. Other times, there are percussions, but no live sax.
 

@Wheezy
I remember the first time I watched that video. I lost it when I saw those weiner dogs and his daughters dressed up as angels. It makes no sense. I mean, that has to be some of the worse green screen work I've seen in a while.
 

@Massengill
Hilarious. That is all.
 

I here by nominate Chris Dane Owens as a douche bag. And, coincidentally for best music video. Alas, the only thing not in the video is Ligers. Ligers would have just put it over the edge.
 

I can only wonder: will Ed Hardy be the subject of Friday Haiku? Or Friday Thoughts and Links?

I'll be fucking working anyway, so I'll miss it until I get home. Fucking job.....
 

Ed Hardy is the new Von Douche.

He needs to have signature headwear like those Von Douche trucker caps. Mandannas perhaps?
 

I am becoming a huge Cupacabra fan ...

I liked it better when her avatar had her smiling face on it, but since it's been replaced the edginess has been ramped up a little.

By design?
 

@Vin,

I wonder if one of her students recognized her old photo here (if that was really her in it)?

I agree, though - her smiling face was a blessed sight, though her posts are rocking even harder now.
 

@ Vin Douchal, 3:11PM

Good sir, you are too kind. The admiration is mutual. Just for you, I changed my avatar again. I might not have the nerve to leave it that way, but for now, you have given me the courage...
 

I'm sure that little soiree is going to be "off the chain," to use the parlance of the times. If by "off the chain" you mean "gonorrhea."
 

(Edit: her smiling face is a blessed sight.)

- Wheeze, AKA "Chopped Liver" ; )
 

@ Capt. BD 12:42

Ah, the show isn't until tomorrow. But I am riding an extreme high at the moment, the show featured prominently in one of the local rags and I'm pretty stoked. I'm licking my own pussy good and hard until cruel reality brings me crashing back to Earth.

Anway, back to business here:

Well! There go my plans to emigrate to Scrotio-Free Europe.

Herr Professor Douchemann:
Your knowledge excites my nethers. And it just so happens that Germany is a haven for gummi frauleins....need a teaching assistant?
 

@ Wheeze 3:55PM

Chopped liver? No, I think you're more like an impudent young Chardonnay, with bright notes of Cuyahoga effluent, and a smooth finish. ;)
 

@ Medusa 4:16PM

"I'm licking my own pussy good and hard."

First thought: Uh-oh, get ready for the hairball jokes.

Second thought: How does your neck...your tongue...wait, where does *this* go?...ack, my spine!
 

Ed Hardy must have spent quality time in the Killing Fields of Cambodia as to be so insensitive to the presence of skulls, skulls everywhere, enough so to make art out of them.

That, or in the Roman catacombs.

It's now come to the point that we can just skip the skull and crossbones on a bottle of poison and place the words "Ed Hardy" there instead, and it'd work.
 

Oh man this has been a great thread.

@Chupacabra
So nice to see more ladies on this site! Fantastic haikus, I am inept at writing them so I will just read yours.

@Medusa
Please don't hurt yourself doing that. The last thing that we need happening is you falling off your chair and hitting your head before the show!

My first thought was "How the hell are you going to get your boobs out of the way?"

@Plinky

It wasn't France, there is no stinky cheese tasting at this event. I also didn't see any hairy (also stinky) women hanging around outside. I kid, I kid! It's really only Paris that I hate :). I'm pretty sure Paris translates to "city that smells like piss." Do not want. If it was any one country, I'd say its the Swedes. Those crazy bastards.

In any event, what the hell is a dance-fashion show? Are the models going to break out into synchronized strutting? Perhaps some lyrical interpretation? It will be a contemporary interpretation of douche preening. A tet a tet of scrotal polarity and kissy faces. A jive of choadful sauntering.

Christian Audigier deserves a face full of beer farts by old burly German men for this one.
 

For a German he speaks excellent 'baghunter.

--VS
 

Ed Hardy is doo-doo ... Clothing lines like 7 deadly are much more original ... check it out ... www.7deadlyclothing.com
 

i stopped caring about the picture after i saw its choice of genres in music.
 

Herr Professor-

Do come back and post. Get a skeezy blogger account, and share your brain with us.

Mmmm. Brains...

There are several academics who post here - we could use the help...

best,

Troy
 

Ashfish wrote:

It's really only Paris that I hate :).

Pity that. I love Paris. Especially in the the spring.

The last time I was there, some tiny Renault had shoe-horned its way into a parking space. It left and along came a VW Golf that tried valiantly for like 10 minutes but failed to squeeze into the same space.

Awesome.

When a fucking GOLF is too big for a parking space, and the space is so deeply coveted that the driver will burn 10 minutes trying to weasel in, I know I'm in a cool city because it doesn't give a flying fuck about cars.

Heck - AFAIK, it's illegal to register a private SUV in the city. Anyone who owns one has it registered out in the burbs.

I like being able to walk to the corner and get all my basic food staples, and the quality is VERY high. And the coffee is great, and the wine is fantastic.

Works for me....
 

Oh, and the biggest eurodouche I ever saw was in Paris.

He was coming out of a club. Imagine 50% Millenium Bag, 50% Fung's greasy brother, Vito, and 50% Samurai Scrote's cousin, Dave.

Yep - 150% douche.

I just looked at him, thinking, "what the...?"
 

I created a live sax once from the old alto I had in high school. It went on a rampage and killed 30 children. I guess it was pretty pissed off that I spent 8 years spitting into it. Who knew?
 

Well, whatever unholy acts are committed at this calamity, that shit will be precise.
 

@Vin, 3:11pm: I Concur.
The more I read Chupacabra, the more I get the urge to throw on the kilt and the hiking boots in her honor.

And as I drown the memory of my most recent non-hcwdb-related idiotic shenanigans in alcohol, I say: This Guinness is for you, Chupa!
 

Tremendous e-mail.

Tremendous thread.
 

@Troy

Well, the city itself wasn't so bad aside from smelling like piss. I could not stand the people though. I get enough "fuckin haole" (haole = white person) shit here, I don't want "fucking american" when I'm spending good money in another country. I have met some really nice french citizens but they were all from the country :). I'm a country girl at heart what can I say.

I can walk down the street here and get good quality produce so that novelty has lost its luster with me. I would however drop everything for a chance to go back to Germany, provided I stay out of Cologne. That was an amazing trip through there, and such GREAT food. I was with a school sponsored trip though so the places we went to eat were hit and miss. I suppose I shouldn't hold that against Paris.
 

Doucheland, Doucheland, uber alles.
 

Ashfish wrote:

Well, the city itself wasn't so bad aside from smelling like piss. I could not stand the people though. I get enough "fuckin haole" (haole = white person) shit here, I don't want "fucking american" when I'm spending good money in another country.

Well, over the past 8 years or so, they've been catching a world of shit from Americans, so it runs both ways. Also, you have to understand - it's a truly secular state, so their only religion is their language.

So, to be at all successful with the average Parisian, you need to at least try to speak in French with them first. They will quickly surmise that you're a furriner and speak to you in English just to get you to stop mangling their language.

Note - most Parisians speak at least crappy English, many are VERY proficient. Now, say the reverse about your average New Yorker...?

Also, your "good money" isn't that good any more, and may not be for the remainder of your lifetime, as American economic interests are broadly seen as the prime cause of this clusterfuck of a collapsing sinkhole of a world economy.


I have met some really nice french citizens but they were all from the country :). I'm a country girl at heart what can I say.

Definitely true. People from the countryside of France don't have the snooty reputation to protect. Also, I find country cuisine to be better than the stuff you get in Paris.

I would however drop everything for a chance to go back to Germany, provided I stay out of Cologne. That was an amazing trip through there, and such GREAT food. I was with a school sponsored trip though so the places we went to eat were hit and miss. I suppose I shouldn't hold that against Paris.

Germany is a (nowadays) a very cool place. Not very long ago it was a very NOT COOL place. I have German friends and they are extremely fine top notch people.
 

A momentous thread.

As a blue-eyed quart-Aryan and lover of all things Bayerische Motoren Werke, I am deeply disturbed to see the land of my ancestors succumb to Ed-bola. It's like Amanda breaking down and asking that Arschloch Donkey out, but on a national scale. The power of the 'Bag is simply too overwhelming, resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. For now it may seem like a freak occurrence, but just like the Holocaust grew out of Hitler's cellar party, this too will erupt into a pan-national epidemic.

The virus has reached the European shores. Prepare for the Armani-geddon. The Hollow-caust.
 

@ Pencil Doucher

QuartAryan.

Fucking Epic.
 

Many thanks to all for the kind comments and encouragement to join your ranks as hallowed 'baghunters'!

@Chupacabra - didn't realize I had a kindred spirit in this fine city. Aber leider bin ich kein mitarbeiter! Perhaps we should join forces, don garlic necklaces, load up squirt guns with water from The DOM and merrily go hunting, camera and wit in hand?

@Medusa Oblongata - egads that is one tempting offer! Indeed I enjoy the gummi frauleins (probably too much), but I'm sure I'm in dire need of an assistant to guide me out of dire straits.

@Don't wheeze the douche! - I'm merely inspired by the greatness of DB1 and felt inspired to compose in between reading Nietsczhe and bombing down the autobahn with KRAFTWERK blaring in my Blaupunkt.

@Archidoucheis - thanks for the compliment!

@Troy Tempest - thanks for the compliment and seconding the request (here I am, skeezy blogger account and all)

@The Nicker - vielen Dank Herr Nicker!

So I stare out my window on a rainy dark German Friday, finding resolve in having found my global colleagues in mocking the stench. Somehow I feel emboldened with this toothsome knowledge, prepared to take on the damp night and reclaim the blonde-haired blue-eyed boobie hottie suckle thigh. Plus, the rain might keep down the fires blazing out of 'Diamonds' with its live saxx AND percussions.

@DB1 - thank you most for giving us all hope and bringing this to our enjoyment!

Respectfully,
Herr Professor Douchemann
 

That was a brilliant letter. Well said, Herr Prof.
 

@Troy

Yeah, I really don't want to do ANY work today so I'm going to continue the France conversation. I actually took French for four or five years in high school and did my darnedest to communicate in French (Our language curriculum here leaves A LOT to be desired). And actually it probably was about 8 years ago when I went to France, heh, when the dollar was still just about on par with the Euro. Oh to have those days back. I do understand that France has taken a lot of shit from America. However when I'm trying my best to be polite and speak their language, it still seemed as if we were a nuisance.

I have to say though we did have one of our funniest moments in Paris. We had been downing Fanta while we were there since the version we have here is CRAP compared to over there. We had to wander our way back to the hotel on foot because the metro had already shut down for the night. One of my friends was about to piss his pants he had to pee so bad. I was just about falling down the hill laughing at him to which he replied: "You better shut your fucking mouth unless you want me to piss in it." Which made me then almost piss my pants with more laughter. Ah, good times. Perhaps with more time in the city and on a trip where I could actually do what I wanted it would appeal more to me. I'd be willing to give it another shot now that I am older and wiser buy it'd have to be with someone who actually knew wtf they were doing in that city. Also I'm sure not going while there is a heat wave going through Europe is a good idea as well.
 

Scary - yet excellent - find, Professor Douchemann. I've browsed the galleries of Kölle's megadouche-clubs (the O, diamonds, teatro, nachtschicht, tiefenrausch, neuschwanstein) several times, but this event may top everything we've seen before. the area of the city's ringe around friesenplatz is filled with large numbers of douches almost every night, yet the rest of the population has not surrendered yet.
on saturday, though, AGENT ORANGE will hit town - so you better stay home, seal windows and doors and wait for carnival to wash it all away. don't worry, it will. it will.
 

Prof. douchemann:

Welcome. I look forward to some good conversations as we gleefully mock the 'bags.

Ashfish:

Yeah - the Parisians are more "aloof" and tend to be a bit more standoff-ish than the rural French. I do recommend Paris in the late spring - May is Fantastic. August, however, sucks great steaming turds.
 

Professor, we're glad to have you here. Baghunting and douche mocking should be activities enjoyed worldwide.

I'd call for these to be Olympic sports but the 'bags would look upon the medals as bling. The subject has been kinda sorta brought up here before, after all.....
 

http://www.edhardyenergydrinkparties.com/gallery.php?e_id=2

there is no god...

i found this poo at my local corner store and gave a can of this 'tattoo for your tongue' to my brother as a joke gift. it will remain unopened.