there is no way this can be completed while i'm in my office. this is going to need a friday night and a bottle of captain.
 

hottest hott must include veronica.

best golden globes should include smeerkat
 

that being said i agree with BCS. need captain and a lot of time to myself
 

Douchiest TV Show. Diners Drive-Ins and Dives. A show about food hosted by th eking of TV douches Guy Fieri. Bleached Hair, White sunglasses always worn on back of head, Sweat band 1/3 of way up arm, Quotes such as "money" when describing some grandmothers macaroni and cheese recipe.
 

douchiest tv show? the hills. just give them the fucking award.
 

which also answers the next category, douchiest celebrity couple. heidi and spencer. hands fucking down.
 

Douchiest HCwDB Celebrity Couple of the Year should certainly go to Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. mainly because they symbolize everything i despise.


well, except Heidi's big fake boobies. those can stay.
 

get out of my fucking head bcs.
 

hottest hott -- 1/28/08, the Patriots girl in "The Dreadlocks" photo.

hottest girl-next-door hott -- 2/27/08, the blonde in "Stonebag"
 

Douchiest TV Show of the Year:

anything on MTV. pick any show.
 

bag huntress nominees are of course ashfish, amanda, medusa, hypersexual girl, a few others. ashfish has been around a long long time, so long time regulars might give her the nod. medusa is into bondage and leather and rips up the comment threads...amanda is obviously the model and the up and coming l.a. starlet, but her defense of douchebags and her offer of a date with donkey douche was quite disturbing. then again, hypersexual girl, UM. Uh....

tough call.
 

Hypersexual Girl's blog...the source of many an inappropriate office boner.
 

Can I put forward for Mooby for "Best Golden Globes"?
 

guggenheim obviously should go to still life with coors light
 

Most Annoying 'Bagling:

He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks
 

DNA Dan should win somethin.
 

is it possible to come up with a category for Spurs Fan?
 

Best Stalker Award?

Doc.
 

Hottest Hott:

The Boulder Head hott from this past June. whoa!
 

"Douchiest HCwDB Celebrity Couple of the Year"

Who is that couple that are in the MTV reality show the Hills? (I think its called the Hills)

I breifly saw something on TV about them and thought what a fucking putz. the girl is hot as shit and he is her makeup artist, professional movie director, light and boom coordinator, dress designer, writer, producer, manager, boyfriend, stunt double, auto mechanic, chef, lobbyist, etc.....Jack of all trades master of being a douchtwat
 

that's pretty funny within 5 minutes of this post there have already been 3 mentions of heidi and spencer from the hills. gee, wonder who's gonna win?
 

Best 'Bag Hunter of the Year (Comments Threads).....

Gotta be DarkSock for this genius:

[She is clearly cock blocking.
# posted by Blogger DarkSock : 6:35 AM]

The fact that I remember that comment from 5 months ago is testimony to DarkSock's cleverness.

And yes, I'll wipe his DNA off my lips now.
 

@ BCS: "guggenheim obviously should go to still life with coors light." Absolutely, in a walk.

Celeb Couple: John McCain & Sarah Palin

Greatest Crisis of Modernity: Hate Assbury

Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: Droopy McScrote
 

A systematic review of the past year would take a level of focus and time I rarely possess. So like any good American facing an important election, I will vote randomly and haphazardly.

Douchiest TV show: The Hills is a strong cotender, but we should not neglect Paris Hilton: My New BFF.

I think all of our huntresses should be nominated. And they should submit tasteful nudes for judging. Except for Medusa. She can post something totally filthy. And I'll enjoy it.
 

most annoying bagling...


d.j. bello/bobby batz
 

DNA Dan for the natural selection category.

His librarian hott should also be in the running.
 

I would like to add an award:

"most ticklish douch"

And while I'm at it, I'll just give the award to The Gator.
 

Celebridouche couple: Criss Angel and Holly Madison.

Most Annoying Bagling: HJBBAD

Most Innovative New Bag Manuever: The belt buckle side tilt
 

Smells Like Poo: Small Package
Best Golden Globes: Boobie Ephiphany or Unnecessary Point
Hottest Girl Next Door Hott: Surfer Kelly
Huntress: Amanda (and I may have a lead on a picture of her if I can find a full episode of a certain TV show)
Hottest Hott: Polka-dot bikini from this week.
 

i think hottest hott should go to deathtongue's hott

that girl takes my breath away.
 

Exhibit B

deathtongue hott, amazing.
 

Quato's model hott for hottest hott. Yummy.

And can I vote for a threesome for Celebri-douche? Bono-bag and his underage gal pals.
 

I wish there was a search function to find douches
 

side note, where in the fuck has Mitch Meats been?
 

@bcs

A half dead, rotting-in-the-sun wildebeest takes your breath away.
------------------------------

A fly taking a shit takes your breath away.
--------------------------------
Maggots on raw meat takes your breath away.
--------------------------------
darksock's mom eating a pastrami sandwich takes your breath away.
 

Samarai Scrote has to be nominated somewhere...

also, Surfer Kelly for hottest hott
 

I don't know what happened to the "Most Deserving of a Trashcan to the Head" category from last year, but Scroteboy Slim and his illiterate babble about going to Cornell has to be in the running...

...and by running, I mean running for his life. Him and is stupid tattoo.
 

@pfah

Where the FUCK has squatch been?!?
 

Douchiest Hair:

Fung or Wheatstalks
 

Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott:

Mary-Kate Molson from March. plus, she's playing pool. i'd put my 2 ball in her middle pocket.
 

I don't see any categories here that he would fit in, but I really hope Fist of Power gets a nomination.
 

Douchiest TV Show: the newly premiered "From G's to Gents." Only the douchiest, most retarded fools try to act like gentlemen, and fail miserably.
 

it's almost lunchtime here on the Right Coast.



and i'm thinking cheeseburger.
 

Hottest Hott - Deathtongue's Girl. I don't care who the other nominees are...

I'm still dreaming about her.
 

smearkat hott gets golden globes.
 

DB1 you need a category for douchiest accessory for 2008 - the wristdanna.
 

Fung transcends all categories. Fung...........Fung.
 

douchiest hair goes to wheat stalks that also contains one of darksocks most funniest comments ever, which he should also get best baghunter...or pfah or mr. white or there are so damn many...
 

Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection of the Guggenheim in 2023:


Man Junk
 

Smells Like Poo:

The Scrotal Spitsacks from July.
 

douchiest hair- clearly hawk has to be in the running.

Douchiest celeb: I don't know if they were ever posted, but really, shouldn't brian austin green and meagan fox be in there....the dude's initials spell bag for godssake.

Bag hunter: Include Pfah, if only for his harrowing experience with SS a few weeks ago.

Bag huntress: Amanda should probably be in there for her 5 part pictorial...classic. Also...Mrs. White for putting up with Mr. White.
 

this picture should get some sort of award for christ sake.
 

Douchiest facial expression: Melvis.

Douches rush in.
 

TV show:
is entourage still on?

greatest crisis of modernity:
crucial head
 

bag hunter:

bootywackmackdaddy or spurs fan
 

@Douchelexic...you are too kind sir. i am just happy to be alive.
 

best ass.
 

I only started posting on here over the summer so I'm probably skipping a few.

Still Life With Coors Light has to go to the Guggenheim.

Smearkat's hott gets the golden globes.

Douchiest TV show? How about Ghost Adventurers? Wherein a douchebag taunts "ghosts" and generally acts like a pussy.

Hottest Next Door Hott: The redhead with Malignant Melanoma. I have dreams where she comes out of a fog riding a stallion and carries me off into a lake. Or wrestles me in a vat of crisco. Depends on the day, really.

Best 'Baghunter, I'd say a tie between Crucial Head and Baron Von Goolo, just by a smidge.
 

Hottest Hott: Hour Glass, but that's subject to change as I over look them some more.

Best Golden Globes: Four Points cause they're real

Smells Like Poo: Artificial Douchetelligence

Most Expensive First Date Hott:Hamster Hott (aka Amanda), cause she looks like I would have to take her to something classier than an Olive Garden

Douchiest Hair: The Hawk- Oct.

Douchiest Facial Expression: Short Boat

Most Annoying 'Bagling:
The Ricky (aka "Douchiest Everybag"): Can I vote for DJ Bello? If not, HJBBaD

Greatest Crisis of Modernity: The Four Horsemen. Those boobies didn't stand a chance.

Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott: Old Chap's Hott

Most Innovative New 'Bag Maneuver: The "hold my shirt up with my mouth, while the two bleeths who I have my arms around point at my abs" by Mencken in Sept.

Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection of the Guggenheim in 2023: Mooby

Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: Scroteboy Slim? Not exactly sure what this category is looking for, so I went with the Douche that's trying to evolve (ie go to college)

Best 'Bag Hunter of the Year (Comments Threads): Darksock. I think I explained it well when I said his comments make you feel like you just stepped in poop. Awkwardly enjoyable. Then we made the poo sock club...

Best 'Bag Huntress of the Year (Comments Threads): Medusa Oblongata

Douchiest TV Show of the Year: From G's to Gents

Douchiest HCwDB Celebrity Couple
of the Year: I don't follow celebrities enough to know...but whoever John Mayer is with, or if anyone is soiling the nethers of Natalie Portman anymore. Or whoever Criss Angel is dating.
 

Honorary "Best 'Bag Huntress of the Year" should go to Elizabeth Banks for her unexpected plug of the site on The Tonight Show. Not only did she claim to be inspired, she also reveled in mocking the bags while explaining it to Jay Leno.

In addition, her asking of "Whyyyyy?" would also apply to Marissa Miller's inexplicable affinity for douchebags. (See above photo examples)
 

i agree w/ mike - still life with coors lite is THE best photograph qua photograph on the site and needs to win the Guggenheim. If Diane Arbus were still around, she'd have taken that photo - it's just that good.

I need some time and a lot of likker to figure out the rest of them. It'll take some serious research. And when I say Research I mean massive hango over inducing drinking binge, because otherwise I would simply pass out or kill myself after exposing my self to that much scrotewankery and boobage. (pronounced: boo-bahzh)
 

Awesome!! I can’t even begin to put forth any nominations at this point. I need to do some research. And by research, I mean alcoholic beverages.

I’ve been traveling to various jobsites throughout the Southwest for work the past few days. Gotta make sure my erections don’t fall down, if ya know what I mean. Which, I hate.

The traveling I hate. Not the job, nor the erections.

I. Need. A. Drink.

Is it Friday yet?
 

Elizabeth Banks should be recognized as a great Celebrity Anti-bleeth, but she didn't post in the comment threads. Otherwise I agree with you Don't Wheeze.
 

Troy Tempest
post a link to the Still Life with Coors, would ya?
 

I love this site. ; )
 

(Yes, I cheated.)

; )
 

Archidoucheis, I just think the lovely Ms. Banks should at least receive an Honorable Mention, but not an actual award per se.

Unless, of course, she does begin posting here. That would kick ass!
 

Good enough for me Don't Wheeze
 

I agree. She should get a "Behind Enemy Lines" award for being an anti-bleeth in the epicenter of bagidness. And for being hot.
 

the brainpower necessary to cull a list of nominess together will indeed require the midwifing services of a gallon of jameson, a handful of tylenol 4's, rubber gloves, a subscription to horse society, and a shorn lemur. in other words, a regular friday evening at chateau douchetoevosky. check with me then.


however in advance of that my nominees for bag hunter of the year (in no particular order):

BVG
Darksock
Mr. White
Crucial
pfah
Steve Zodiac
BCS
 

I hereby nominate Melon Butt for Best Golden Globes, because it didn't specify that said globes must be of the frontal chesticular variety.
 

I hereby nominate Melon Butt for Best Golden Globes, because it didn't specify that said globes must be of the frontal chesticular variety.
 

I nomminate 'The Dreadlocks' apache-indian hott for Hottest Hott of 2008.
 

Douchiest TV Show? The Pickup Artist. Hands down. Teaches relatively normal guys to be douche bags. ugh.
 

I agree with pfah on Mary Kate Molson...an underappreciated delight...

I'm also fond of the Sultry Ski Bunny of Perfection. And Zippy's Hott makes my pants fit differently.

HJBBAD and DJ Bello are neck and neck for Most Annoying 'Bagling.

Jacques should be considered for Smells like Poo and/or Douchiest Facial expression.

And I could see Millennium Bag in the Guggenheim.
 

Acey Douchey has to win something. No matter how staged that pic seemed.
 

-

F U N G

-
 

@douchetoevsky

Hey haven't seen you in a minute! I'll take a shot with you, but you're on your own with the horses...I prefer dolphins myself.

@Crucial Head

Yea I'm right there with you...I'm gonna have to give this some thought. And by thought I mean, throw rotten chunks of Mahi Mahi at this list on my screen and whoever it sticks on wins.
 

i'll be waiting for the nominations to come in. sadly enough, i've been out of the loop for too long to speak with authority here.
 

Kelly HOTT and Carly HOTT get my vote!!!
 

will there be a category for group scrote? i rather enjoyed the douche platoon last year.

tv show: the pick-up artist, seriously how could anything else even come close?

celebrity couple: marissa miller makes a strong case above

guggenheim: still life w/ coors

maneuver: the headlock/chokehold thing, i don't remember if this was as popular last year, at least it seems newer

hot: deathtongue's

natural selection: dna dan...or perhaps this is proof against?
 

I have to think about my nominee choices for awhile. There is just so much douche to choose from.

Best bag hunter should probably be between:

Darsock, Bcs, Mr. White, Crucial, and pfah.

Best bag huntress should probably be between:

Amanda,Medusa, and Buffy the Scrotebag Slayer (haha, that's me)

Hey DB1, you should post pictures of the hunters and huntresses if you have any of them. That way we could place a face to the glory.
 

Looks like I didn't vote for most annoying bag correctly as I messed that up with The Ricky

Most Annoying Bag: DJ Bello, or HJBBaD (if the DJ is either not able to be voted for, or if he's getting recognition some other way)

The Ricky: Scroteboy Slim


I'd also like to add the hott from 1994's Muggs and Alba back in July for Hottest Hott.
 

How about a best Mail'bag letter? Readers vote on whose write-in was best.
 

I think FUNG should win the "Smells Like Poo" award, theres no one remotely close to smelling as poopy as him.
 

Ok here we go, hopefully I didn't miss too many:

Hottest Hott:
Hourglass
Boston Teat Party
Deathtongue's hott
The Yak's hott

Most Expensive First Date Hott:
Ms. Hamster
Zippy's hott

Golden Globes:
4 Points, end of discussion

Poo:
Bagwatch Nights
Predatorbag
Fung

Douchiest Hair:
The Torch
Hair Supply (not a fan of the Hawk)

Douchiest facial expression:
X-Lax
Metaphysical Hooligan
Crawdaddy
Scrotey Mariner

Most Annoying:
Crotch Grabber
O-Prune
Droopy McScrote

Everybag:
Midwestern Bag
Herb the Office Boy

Crisis of Modernity:
The Dingo
HJBBAD

Girl Next Door Hott:
Stonebag
Chick from fanmail on 10/30
Bagling Hunters on 9/2

Worst New Bag Maneuver:
Mencken's mouth shirt-pull
Sideburn Harry's fake phone call pose
Samurai Scrote, you know . . .

Guggenheim submission:
Millenium Bag (still futuristic even then)
Acey Douchey (so many of the right characteristics, easy to use as learning tool)

Proof of Natural Selection:
DNA Dan
Crapser
Fung
Flex 'N' Face

Celebrity Bag:
Kriss Angel

Best Ass:
Ass Not What Your Country Can Do For You . . .
 

Douchiest TV Show: The Pick-up Artist. It's a douche training course. And one word: Mystery(not to mention his side-kick The Matador, really you call you self The Matador, wow)
 

BTW Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection of the Guggenheim in 2023:

Still Life w/ Coors Light

FTW!
 

Douchiest HCwDB Celebrity Couple of the Year: Mayerbag & Any bimbo with a pulse
 

Ok. Umm yeah... I'll have to abstain from voting this year because I feel that the further glorification of any douchebag will only serve to inflate said douchebags already inflated ego. Furthermore the objectification of young ladies on this site is both deplorable and despicable, with the exception of Flyteeth and maybe sock I'm quite certain that all of you crawled out of a woman's womb shortly before you took your first gasp of air. Your mothers/sisters/cousins/wives should be ashamed of all of you. I refuse to participate in another annual event that will only serve to increase the degradation of our collective moral fabric.

That and BCS is totally effin right! Deathtounge's hott FTW!!

And since I missed most of the year due to uhhh work, drugs, being duct taped and stored in a closet for most of the year, I am giving my proxy vote to BCS for any and all categories.

@BCS good call on Deathhott man! I would say that I totally forgot about her but that's not entirely accurate. I've single handedly kept Kleenex's stock moving in a positive direction to her all year.
 

yeah, deathtongue's hott deserves her own temple in egypt.
 

I know it's not a "Celebrity Couple", but Steelers kicker Jeff Reed has to take home some sort of award. Even his pic on TV when they played the Colts had a "blowout."
 

smells like poo award goes to turd flush, hands down
 

I thought about turd flush too for the smells like poo award. Him and Appendix Albert, and Don. Cause Don's just so Fred Flintstone goes on an all night meth binger funny looking.
 

Clearest proof of natural selecton: PUMPY
Golden globes: Brian Earlicker and Lila's Alzadoes
Smells like poo: crapster the unfriendly douche
Guggenheim: Fung. Kenner can be put in some other wax museum.
Annoying bagling: he just bangs bitches and drinks
Most expensive first date: little carmacita smells poo
hottest girl next door hott: crapster's mamacita
hottest hott: purg hottie or FSDU's hott in the costume contest
Greatest Crisis of Modernity: brothabag leon
 

@ douchetoevosky

I agree with your worthy nominations for bag hunters as the names on your list dole out the jabs on a consistent basis however I am all for the "open format" popularized by tennis and golf.

Match ups may be tough depending on the draw but I also think a bracket set up like the NCAA basketball playoffs .

New guys like yours truly would be a 16 seed for sure but catch a guy on a bad day or with a topic right up your alley and an intersting scrum could be enjoyed.

Or does that make too much sense?
 

Regarding the celebridouche couple category, do both parties have to be celebs? If not, then I nominate Marissa Miller and Ass Pimple.
 

Can I nominate THE HOOLIGAN for a clean sweep?
 

okay i said i wasn't gonna weigh into this nomination process, but now i have to nominate skanky redhead from Douchestral Cycle II as Most Expensive First Date Hott. or some other category to honor this skanky bitch. there. i said it.
 

As Requested:

Still Life With Coors Lite

It is a work of art. I've been an active professional artist for decades. I know my brake fluid and this is the real stuff.

If Diane Arbus did colour and lived in Las Vegas, she would have shot this picture.
 

Don't forget Highly Doucherous for his aweful acid reflux expression while surrounded by two yummy bikini babes for Douchiest Facial Expression
 

Yes, I said "aweful" a contraction of awesome and awful
 

Going back over the archives , January '08 was a stellar month for Db1 for G/B couplings
 

Douchiest TV show of the year:
Million Dollar Listing
Pick Up Artist 2
Rehab (a show about Rehab on TruTV)
 

Greatest Crisis of Modernity: Post Firecracker Exploded Ants Brown Mushy Paste, Why There is No Hope for Mankind

Best Golden Globes: Bag/Not a Bag, January 16, left hott; Smearkat's hott, Ass Not What Your Country Can Do For You

The Ricky: Midwestern Bag, Herb the Office Boy

Douchiest Facial Expression: The Lizard Scrote, Wednesday Limerick, February 20; Shortboat

Hottest Hott: Eurobag/Not a Eurobag, January 4; 2001: A Space Douche hotts, Homies in Da Lobby hotts

Girl Next Door Hott: Grenade Tosser Hott, Sultry Ski Bunny of Perfection, Halo Angel

Douchiest Hair: Turtleman, Eraserhead, The Metaphysical Hooligan

Most Innovative Maneuver:
Wednesday Limerick, February 6; Flex n' Face, Mencken

Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: DNA Dan, Smog Magogs

Most Expensive First Date Hott: Frankie the Water Guy hott

Smells Like Poo: The Bagnana Daiquiri, Miami Scammy, The Turd Flush

Guggenheim: HJBB&D's writing(February 28, specifically), Still Life with Coors Light

Most Annoying: HJBB&D, DJ Bello, Donkey Douche

Bag Hunter: Crucial Head, Darksock

Bag Huntress: Medusa Oblongata

TV Show: The Hills, The Pick-up Artist

Celebrity Couple: Spencer & Heidi
 

Baghunter

Darksock
pfah
crucial
 

Hottest hot/golden globes: Unnecessary point, ftw
 

Douchiest TV show

there were too many comments for me to check to see if this was already there but:

THE PICKUP ARTIST 2

Taking poor socially crippled well meaning dorks and making them don the trimmings of douche. Also I can't even believe Mystery is real and personally as a woman, I would spontaneously combust if I saw him walking on the street. If he tried to hit on my I would start bleeding from my eyes, s**t from my mouth and vomit from my ass.
 

Didn't Brett Michaels use his notoriety [sic] in a reality TV series to get some poon?

He's a douche but did they have any hotts on it?
 

The Guggenheim in 2023 cannot be without The Blowfish - April 08. That guy haunts me.

Hottest Girl-Next-Door must include The Yak's girl in early April.

DB, if you have a girl next door category, let's have an opposite Dirty girl category - that's Veronica, hands down.
 

Okay, I've scrolled right down and skipped reading the others, for now at least.

Whatever category she is, and I'm not sure, you just gotta include Ass Pear.

I say that as I munch sweetly and quietly away on a tasty Bartlett, although an Anjou is fair competition. Whatever HERS is, it belongs in YOUR competition.
 

why on John Lennon's death date, DB1? ... so be it...
 

i've got a category: douchiest band. and avenged sevenfold wins!
 

Still Life with Coors is indeed a great photo, as I continually wonder about her: is she a tranny, or is tha a huge ostomy bag in her underbelly skirt folds??

Indeed, Arbus quality.
 

hair=Wheatstalks. Nothing more to say there.
Celeb couple=Katie Price (Jordan) and her homo husband Peter Andre (there was a cowboy pic with them earlier in the year)
crisis of modernity=HJBBAD
Anything you can't fill= HJBBAD
 

What about an "Everything Wrong With America" award, and we'll use it to dis/honor competitive eating. Anybody with me?

C'mon, it is kind of douchey.
 

There is but one word.

Hourglass.

I haven't slept since she came into my life, a shadowy, wraith-like vision of suckling roundness.

Her thighs taste like papaya juice and self-loathing. mmmmm.......
 

darksock and crucial head are the same people. or sucking each others balls.
 

If we can vote for Halloween pictures, I'd like to throw in Asian Sailorette for hottest hott.
 

How about a category for "Most Improved Douchebag"? Maybe a scrote who was just an average douche last year, but this year he broke the wall and became an all-star.
 

Allrighty then.

Hottest Hott
After last year's Douchies, there were a couple of times that I said to myself "I need to remember this pic for next time." On 8/11/08, The Hourglass was one of those times.

And I always know what time it is when I look at her. Time to buy more Kleenex.

Best Golden Globes
Inflation's doe-eyed, thunder-breasted überhottie from 3/20/08 was another one of those times. One quarter turn to the left and I'm confident this wouldn't even be a contest.

Smells Like Poo
The Earwig (7/24/08). I keep scrubbing my computer but I can still smell it.

Most Expensive First Date Hott
Inflation's hottie could sweep all hotegories as far as I'm concerned but failing that, the young lady accompanying the Four Horsemen of The Douchepocalypse on 9/19/08 would pretty much drive away with my car in exchange for a hearty handshake if she played her cards right.

Douchiest Hair
Hair Supply (3/28/08). Seriously, how do you even do that? Besides by seeing a ghost in a Little Rascals short, I mean.

For facial hair, the Japanese rock garden slash Skrull beard of The Blowfish from 4/3/08. And you know if that camera was further back his melon would be sporting some amazing Flock of Seagulls, soft-serve cone fever dream. Epic.

Douchiest Facial Expression
Whether you're looking at his HCWDB of the Month pic from April or the reprise from 5/21/08, Tighty Armani's condescending lip purse is asking for a hobnail boot filled with ball bearings like so few before him.

Most Annoying 'Bagling
I've seen numerous nominations for HJBBaD for this category. I cannot agree. Anyone with HJBBaD's record, repertoire and resume is no mere 'bagling. 'Baglings are larvae, not fully formed, perhaps even redeemable. The only thing that could redeem HJBBaD is a length of piano wire and a shallow grave.

I'm going to go with the Guidics from 5/29/08. Because they're orange. And it's past their bedtime.

The Ricky (aka "Douchiest Everybag")
My otherwise innocuous Portland homeboy "Brandon" from 7/26/08's pic captioning, pulling off a very public doggy'bagging. I know Trainwreck and you, sir, are no Trainwreck.

Greatest Crisis of Modernity
Any of the writings of HJBBaD. He is a vector. I consider myself to be a reasonable, sobering voice among the posters here that just yell "fag" at the drop of a hat, but even I hate this bilious choadwank. The government should call an airstrike on his grandmother's basement.

Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott
I am still smitten by the basebally, apple piey, Chevrolety goodness of gabechuod's canvas clad cutie from 1/2/08. I have no problem imagining her in a pair of Daisy Dukes and a gingham half shirt, sitting astride a hay bail at golden hour. And by "hay bail" I mean my junk.

Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection of the Guggenheim in 2023
"Still Life With Coors Light" seems fairly inevitable in this category.

Clearest Proof of Natural Selection
The universal reaction to HJBBaD's writings must be genetic. There is an invader in our hive, and his jacket was $11 at ROSS.

Best 'Bag Hunter of the Year:
It can only be darksock. For as often as he posts, no one else is even close to being as insightful, quick witted or scathing. I even chuckle when he talks about peeing in butts. Hell, I chuckled just now when I typed that.

Best 'Bag Huntress of the Year:
Hypersexualgirl. Mainly cuz I'd like to pee in her butt.

Douchiest TV Show of the Year:
The Pickup Artist. Made by douchebags, for douchebags, about how to be a better douchebag. 3 points, no net.

Douchiest HCwDB Celebrity Couple of the Year
McCain/Palin. I still can't believe that doddering dickhole wanted to put that moose-witted harpy one heart attack away from the Presidency. I weep for Bizarro America.

And I don't know what category he's best suited to - maybe all of them - but please, let us not forget Dog from 4/10/08. Please. He's brilliant.
 

Seeing I'm a total newcomer, I started feverishly perusing the archives in order to nominate at least somebody. That's when I came across Exxon Valdouche.

Is that pre-haircut Samurai Scrote or am I having a stroke?

(Just wanted to share that with y'all)
 

@Pencil Doucher, 3:05 a.m. -

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, though Exxon appears to have forsaken the headband.

However, he is rather slim, a la the Holy Samurai. Maybe he shaved his head and.....and.....?
 

Oh, the Douchies are on the horizon,
and 'tis winners that we be a-sizin'
Peruse long and hard
at ev'ry hott and 'tard
Oh yes, that's wot I'd be advisin'
 

Douchies upcoming
have us all in a titter -
mainly, the boobies.
 

There's something about the slanty forehead, the hairline, the teeth-guard protrusion of the kisser, the Jizz Catcher underlip pubes, the concentration camp survivor physique...

If you shaved Exxon and slapped some tiedanna on his mug, you'd get S. S. I'm 99% sure. That 1% is fear of S. S. waking up sleeper alien sex-robots "War of the Worlds"-style to ravage my behind in case I'm wrong.

Speaking of that: I humbly nominate the Fondle of Wrong Hott for the H. H. That Bod is a proof that there's God. Also, the toes are yummylicious.
 

While you Yanks blissfully slept, us Euro newcomers diligently perused the 2008 archives: a superhuman and masochistic endeavor that deserves some sort of reward in and of itself. I went January-September in one sitting.

So, bleary-eyed, with Ab Lobster abs from all the dry-heaving, and barely coherent from the mental pollution, I present to you what little picks I’ve managed to muster.


Best Golden Globes:
Saved by Her Bells

Most Expensive First Date Hott:
Wall Street McSilk

Douchiest Hair:
”Urcheon“

Douchiest Facial Expression:
Tonge-Stick, 2, 3

Most Annoying 'Bagling:
The Cheeks

Greatest Crisis of Modernity:
God's sneeze
Nipsy's Bitchez

Most Innovative New 'Bag Maneuver:
'Ceps-danna
Deathtongue, 2
Flex n' Face

Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection of the Guggenheim in 2023:
Tarzan
Mooby

Clearest Proof of Natural Selection:
???

This nameless dork was featured in a Friday Haiku. Don’t know if it’s so much a “clear” proof as it is a perplexing one, but this turd's obviously managed to pulled more pneumatic females than any other ‘bag that’s ever polluted these pages. An unlikely Alpha that’s most likely to procreate in the most copious of amounts.

That's it from me. Now excuse me while I go recuperate Abe Sapien-style.
 

*managed to PULL. Singlehandedly, at that.
 

Not sure about the others, but I know right now, Hottest Hott is Hourglass. Wow, I still can't get over her.
 

After reading BVG's definition of Most Annoying Bagling, I'm gonna instead nominate "The Cheeks" because they're still young. And also because DJ Bello is well beyond redemption.
 

Hottest Hot BY FAR!!!!!

DeathTongue's chickee!!! :)

http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2008/02/deathtongue.html
 

Here's my passing swipe:

Hottest Hott - So many Hotts, so few hours in the executive washroom: I reckon I’ll spank at BCS’s bank and go with
DeathTongue’s Hotttt

Best Golden Globes - Smearkat's Hott

http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2008/05/hcwdb-of-week-smearkat.html?showComment=1212071580001

Smells Like Poo -
Small Package

Most Expensive First Date Hott -
Earlick’s Hott

Douchiest Hair -
Fung, and his sponsor, Pennzoil (New Jersey Home Office).

Douchiest Facial Expression - Fung,
a thousand times; Fung.

Most Annoying 'Bagling -
He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks , aka Pharoah Phuckstick.

The Ricky (aka "Douchiest Everybag")-
DNA Dan

Greatest Crisis of Modernity - Lest we never forget:
Sundays in the Park with Jorge

Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott -
Four Points Hott(thanks for the mammaries)



Most Innovative New 'Bag Maneuver -
Moobyshould get the Admiral Hamilton ManTitty memorial award.

Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection of the Guggenheim in 2023
• Still Life with Coors Light.

Clearest Proof of Natural Selection -
Droopy McScrote (runner up – Plinky’s Mom)

Best 'Bag Hunter of the Year (Comments Threads)-
Baron Von Goolo FTW for THIS scathing screed against the inane gibbering of “He Don't Need No Bitch In His Life":

“Sweet baby christmas.

In what sort of soulless, dystopian wasteland is a ham-necked bridge troll like this allowed access to a keyboard? It's as if random words were being pulled from a hat by a spider monkey and then loosely held together in sentences by a paste of its own filth. Diarrhetic blathering like this should be quarantined, just like Asian schoolchildren stricken with bird flu or fans of the Bill Engvall show, so that right thinking peoples are not forced to expend the critical life energy required to ignore it.

I pine for this world. PINE, I SAY!!!”

Brilliant.


• Honorable mentions:

BCS – Most hilarious-yet-fucked-up person I am aware of in existence, who should receive The Rotten.com clicked-link of eternal regret award, presented by Tub Girl.

Crucial Head – Functioning Alcoholic/Sam Scrote diesel engine award

Pfah – I.O.B. award for being lamp-raped by a semi-diety.

Mr. White – I.P. Freley Fellowship

Steve Zodiac (aka Troy Tempest) – Essays that move you like a good laxative award

Best 'Bag Huntress of the Year (Comments Threads) - While I appreciate the rapier intellect of Medusa O, Idaho Hott, Amanda, etc. I have to go with my conscience, and by conscience I mean granite-hard IOB: HSG.

Douchiest TV Show of the Year - The Pickup Artist. Duh-huh.

Douchiest HCwDB Celebrity Couple of the Year - McCain/Palin

ADDITIONAL CATEGORY SUGGESTIONS:

Boston Buttsteaks Award -
ASS PEAR!

Where are they now memorial montage: Douche Vader, KellyBelly, Batou, iDouche, Danny Noonan, etc…

Douche on.
 

Silly me. I didn't know what a "tub girl" was so I looked it up.

The bleach stings my eyes but I know it's my only recourse.
 

Depraved Indifference of a Douche Award: DJ Bello
 

To constitute depraved indifference, the defendant's conduct must be 'so wanton, so deficient in a moral sense of concern, so lacking in regard for the life or lives of others, and so blameworthy as to warrant the same criminal liability as that which the law imposes upon a person who intentionally causes a crime. Depraved indifference focuses on the risk created by the defendant’s conduct, not the injuries actually resulting.
 

douchiest TV Show:

don't know how this slipped under the radar, but is 'bag-ness personified:

Rehab: Party at the Hard Rock Hotel

"Plenty of hot bodies in swimsuits, high rollers throwing around gobs of cash, wild celebrities, unlimited amounts of alcohol, and the beautiful Hard Rock pool…as the weather turns colder in many parts of the country, this sounds like the perfect show to keep Vegas on the minds of those who watch.
truTV will air Rehab: Party at the Hard Rock Hotel Tuesday nights at 10pm. For more on the show, visit the truTV website"


FTW!!!!
 

Smells Like Poo:

Turd Flush

c'mon, it's in the name people!
 

Good Lord.

Pencil Douche's epiphany at 3:05 A.M. (?!?) is a find on par with the discoveries of electricity, penicillan and the Clitoris.

Not only does Pencil Douche deserve a supreme baghunter pin, but with two pictures SS now has a "body of work", which is a prerequisite for......dare I utter it.....nomination into the hallowed Hall o' Scrote.

@ BVG - Sorry about popping your Tubgirl cherry. Forget the bleach; try twisting the splintered dry end of an oak limb into the ruined tattered pus swamp of your shattered (shittered?) ocular orbs like a spaghetti fork and tossing the slimey detris into a tub of starving ferrets.

My bad.
 

Golden Globes:

Smearkat's hott
 

Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott:

Zippy's Hott


she's a little slice of yummy on a stick
 

Most Innovative New 'Bag Maneuver:

Mooby

lactation will never be the same
 

I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight if I didn't make it known that I'd like to see Mooby nominated for every douche-based award in this whole damned awards ceremony.
 

Greatest Crisis of Modernity:

Millennium Bag

if Elroy Jetson blossomed into full douche-hood
 

Douchiest Hair:

Turtleman

his hott should get Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott consideration as well.....
 

I'm new 'round these parts, so my exposure to these 'bags is limited, but here's my take (in no random order):

Guggenheim: Still Life with Coors Light

The Ricky: Scroteboy Slim

Greatest Crisis of Modernity: HJBBAD

HCwDB Celebrity Couple: I was gonna say Criss Angel & Holly Madison, but since Spencer from "The Hills" is the Patron Saint of Doucebags, I'm going with Spencer & Heidi

Most Annoying 'Bagling: DJ Bello

Smells like Poo: Donkey Douche

Best Golden Globes: I'm not a lezzie (not that there's anything wrong with that), but Hourglass Hott is smokin'...
 

Shit, that should say IN RANDOM ORDER...I think my brain is still frozen from the Steelers/Bengals game...
 

@DB1:

I am so wasted right now, I’m having to drink fermented arugula to maintain my buzz. But, I believe Pencil Doucher at 3:05am, via Darksock’s catch, has revealed a second Samurai Scrote sighting. I am flummoxed; I am flabbergasted; I am filibustered; I am filleted, and I am freshly flatulent!

The results of our most excellent eagle-eyed Pencil Doucher’s findings, reveal Samurai Scrote’s once dreaded inevitability as HOS Overlord, by some heretics, to now be a mere shoe-in.

This. Changes. Everything. DB1.

Samurai Scrote should not be included in the ‘Bag of the year competition. HOS for Sam, and let the rest nibble each other’s Ax laden ankles.

…now, back to my nominee deliberations…
 

Do you think the Guggenheim has a performance art space?

If it does I want to nominate my own piece entitled "Douchebags of the Living Dead" as glimpsed on 10/14/08. And
here.

I know it's gauche to toot my own horn. But honk honk, motherfuckers.
 

Shit. I recant my previous vote for the Guggenheim and change it to the BVG setpiece. And if it doesn't win then I nominate it for the Bilbao Guggenheim. It's a cooler building by a better Frank anyway.
 

DB1: As you know, with most Marathons, the winners are usually world class elite athletes. However, most marathon organizers recognize that you need to have categories based on age to attract broad participation.

In light of the fact that there is a category for baglings; and after seeing Wednesday's "Caption this Pic"; in all fairness and in an effort to avoid unnecessary controversy you really need to add a "Seniors" award.

-Bagwan Singh
 

Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott: I'd have to cast my vote for the Alba Hott attached to the Frosted Flake from 1/23/08. She is the highest evolution of sexy housewife hott.
 

Most Innovative New 'Bag Maneuver:

Kissyface Nelson with the bluetooth/Asianboobiegrab combo.
 

Hottest Hott: I was gonna say Surfer Kelly, but then I remembered Deathtongue's hott. I dont' know how i could have forgotten her though. I would brave the hand gestures of 1000 douchebags just to clean her shower drain.

Best Golden Globes: Hourglass. Yum.

Smells Like Poo: DJ Bello.

Most Expensive First date hott: Hamster Douche's Purple dress hott, whose name I can remember but whose hair and clothes I can't forget.

Douchiest Hair: WHEATSTALKS. That's also currently my favorite cussword.

Douchiest Facial Expression: Yankee Douchal Dandy, from August. Nasty.

Most Annoying Bagling: He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks. He's too young and stupid to take seriously, but he cannot be ignored either.

Hottest Girl Next door Hott: Trashbag's hott from July. She was a turquoise bikini-clad cutie, pure like snowflakes no one could ever stain.

Most Innovative New 'Bag Maneuver: Mooby's manboob exposure. And by innovative, I mean vomit-worthy.

Clearest Proof of natural selection: Droopy McScrote. No way was Surfer Kelly doing that guy. I doubt anyone else is either. He will never procreate.

Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection of the Guggenheim in 2023: Still Life with Coors Light! Nothing else comes close.

Best 'Bag Hunter of the Year: Darksock (who DOESN'T want to pee in his butt?), Mr. White, Don't Wheeze the Douche, and Crucial Head.

Bag Huntress: Medusa's pretty damn funny

Douchiest TV Show: ???

Douchiest HCwDB Celebrity Couple of the Year: John Mayer/Jennifer Anniston
 

I forgot...

Best Bag Hunter-Pfah, Plinky, BvSB

and since I can't choose, can I have all three of you at once? :)

<3
 

This comment has been removed by the author.
 

This comment has been removed by the author.
 

This comment has been removed by the author.
 

This comment has been removed by the author.
 

Alright, after four tries at posting this shit, here goes.

Ahem, so after a few hours of inebriated deliberation, here are my nominees. I put a lot of thought into this, so don’t second guess my judgments dammit! And by ‘thought,’ I mean whiskey that ain’t cheap folks. I like to think of it as: doing my part to keep the distilleries of America fully functional. Without too much commentary, here are the nominees:


Hottest Hott: Old Chap’s Hott.

Best Golden Globes: SmearKat’s Hott.

Smells Like Poo: Crapser; he represents most of the filth I grew up with.

Most Expensive First Date Hott: Where’s Waldouche, 04/18/08.

Douchiest Hair: Strobe Light Dip.

Douchiest Facial Expression: Fung.

Most Annoying 'Bagling: He Just Bangs Bitches & Drinks out of Tang™ juice boxes .

The Ricky (aka "Douchiest Everybag"): Don “The offspring of The Dude and Dee Snyder.” – comment by our most glorious Pfah.

Greatest Crisis of Modernity: Jorge.

Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott: Halo Angel’s Hott.

Most Innovative New 'Bag Maneuver: Mencken’s no hands barred mouth grab.

Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection of the Guggenheim in 2023: Douchebag’s of the Living Dead. And those who vote otherwise should be penalized with severe erectile malfunctions. May you shoot your involuntary loads on your Thanksgiving turkeys every time someone asks you to pass the yams.

Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: Ned’s Fantasy Camp.

Best 'Bag Hunter of the Year (Comments Threads) : DarkSock. His “fellatio handlebars” comment from the ‘Caption This’ thread on 07/19/08 should be canonized in the annals of comedic gold forever and ever. Plus, I once peed in his butt at an AIA meeting, while Bobby Ivy jerked off his non-hirsute 1/8” flesh scale in the corner. Mr. White’s “Glory Hole Doily” comment should be second on that list; followed by Creature’s “Jamaican scratch-hole posse.”

Best 'Bag Huntress of the Year (Comments Threads) : IdahoHottPotato

That’s right. She says, “I have an art education degree, and the first time I went into a gallery where Godard's work was shown, I remember thinking, this stuff is cutesy shit. Terrible art, but then I thought, nah... perhaps the wine has just clouded my taste. I went back the next day, sober. It was still shit.”

If IdahoHottPotato was single and straight (I’m not sold on either, but support both); and if I didn’t have my own wife and child at the present time, I’d be proposing marriage this instant.

Douchiest TV Show of the Year: I would like to nominate Extreme Makeover, Home Edition. And I’ll gladly lick the flames of Hades for this nomination.

Douchiest HCwDB Celebrity Couple of the Year: Paris Hilton & Benji Madden.
 

I think Fung should win every single catagory - regardless - please give him all awards.
 

Paris Hilton and Benji Madden(who?) broke up last week...

Why I know this? I don't know...
 

Can we have an award for Ricky Bottles from that horrible movie/documentary about those Wall Street starfish sniffers. I think it was back in Sept or Oct
 

I nominate Fung for all possible categories. I'd hate for his achievements to go un noticed. And by achievements I mean heinous crimes against nature.

Adolf Skroatler von Baggenstein for best hunter for the Short boat vid.

Hottest hott- the chick in the happy halloween post, in the kitty costume, oct 31st

Golden globes- Hott from 'Fan Mail' oct 30th.

Greatest crisis of modernity- DJ bello, or Fung, take you pick

I feel Foglizard should pick up an award of some sort to for their contribution to the world of baghunting.
 

Douchiest Hair:

Metaphysical Hooligan

he.has.a.star.on.his.fucking.head.
 

Best 'Bag Huntress of the Year (Comments Threads):


Medusa Oblongata

she had me at "back of the knee"
 

Hottest Hott:

Holly's Bag Tag.

I bit of a reach, but goddamn they are both still make my shorts vibrate ...
 

Most Annoying 'Bagling:

HJBBaD in a landslide
 

Category suggestions:

-Stupidest retort by a 'bag (Spurs Fan, I am loking in your direction)

-Best write-in rant by a DB

-Award for overall literary achievement by a DB (I suspect HJBBAD is a shoo-in, but I say give Donk a shot)

-Most offensive use of tongue

-Most likely to still be a virgin (I mean that among DBs, not Bag Hunters. Although that might be interesting.)

-Most pitiable apartment backdrop (don't cry 'DJ Bello' until you've given this a full review, hunters, there's some sad shit in here)

-Most disgusting DB-Hott age gap
 

there is no way I would sift through that garbage, even if you sprayed them all with Axe Body Spray

good luck
 

I would like to nominate this month's Jerz Ooze for 'Bag Maneuver for the P4 (Porsche Pal Poon Paw) and its glaring bankruptcy of subtlety.
 

I've waited a long time for this... My vote is for Droopy McScote. By an Uber long shot.

Surfer Kelly is bang bangin'. I don't care what they win, just make it happen.