If they're scrotey enough and look like they'd enjoy to kick your ass, a little passive aggressivity goes a long way. You have done well, Douche-hopper...
 

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well done, Jon!

any chance we cloud fit Peaches in one of those ovens?
 

Gotta love a touching Good Samaritan story. Nicely done, Jon!

Although, in the douche's defense (I know, I know...) the name on his tattoo could be his mother, daughter, grandmother, sister, best friend who died in Iraq, etc. I have a tattoo that says Elaine, in honor of my grandma. Just sayin'... I hope any future hot chicks I hook up with don't get upset about it.

Of course, everything else you described about him. Yes. Douche. Hummer-driving scrote. Hunt on, young Jon. Hunt on.
 

I like your style, Jon, but it seems like it's time for you to make a move on the hott. Like right now before her bad tastes in men get the better of her.
 

You can't even take a Hummer on a test drive without signing releases and passing a background check to prove your an asshole. Any normal human just goes apoplectic at the waste of it all.

I like your style, Jon. I do indeed.
 

Ah, what the hell, it was only a douche, but, I agree with Azhid above... make your move, and tell her the story of after she left...it might the trigger to some good good times.
On the other hand, messin' with a man's pie, I don't know, that's pretty mean. If it was my pie, I'd have been pissed, and, everybody in the store inc the manager would have heard about it for sure, might have cost you, a gutsy move.
I hate when restraunt people fuck with my food, so, it all depends, if it was his hard earned money, or just the dividend check or daddy's cash, if you see what I'm sayin'. All in all, B+, nice job!
 

DB1,

OK, nice enough story in the reader mail and all, but did you really have to do this?

A Sunday morning, and a photo of Peaches is anything but 'easy'.

Seriously, why? In fact, this is one of the more rage inducing Peaches photos in existence, which says something. Look at the Hott: Not only is she off the charts, but looks as if she's found the love of her life in this photo. No real signs of Bleethiness either.

Might as well bring on Monday morning right now. My weekend is over.
 

I don't know about this one. I mean, Jon works in a Little Caesar's pizza -- so ANYONE who even owns a car and has a date with a girl is a douche to him.

After Jon's shift is over, he's out in the parking lot drinking Schlitz with his loser high school buddies.
 

Incidentally, I see Peaches is all douche, all the time. Only a complete and utter choad would wear half a tuxedo to a redneck bowling alley. We can only hope that after this picture was taken Ol' Number Eight back there wailed on his greasy ass for buying him a Cosmopolitan.
 

Nice work, Jon. You have a bright future ahead of you.
 

Get a pic with her, and prove her hottitude.
 

im proud of you sir jon, that story touched my heart in so many ways
 

So you could say, "He's got pieces of April/But it's (not) a morning in May."
 

Wow, it's gay-marriage proponent, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, and Total Gym spokesperson Christie Brinkley.
 

Kudos, Jon.

But I have to ask, just how "complex" is this pizza? I can understand the difference between pulling a ready-made pizza from the oven vs. making one to order, but you said it was "the most complex" pizza available. What is it?
 

Maybe the tattoo signifies April the month--maybe that is a seminar month for him.

Like, maybe it's the month he got his first tattoo...which said..."April"...
 

Peaches. Urgh.
 

@massengill--

You are correct--unless a pizza is served with duck pate' and is flambe'ed at your table with Everclear on a little French tableside service cart, I can't see how pizza could get that "complicated."

I mean the most complicated pizza I have ever had is a CALZONE--where you flip the dough over and make it like a sandwich.

But even that does not involve Differential Calculus, as I recall.
 

@ massengill

It's a complex pizza if it has more than four toppings; remember, "Jon" works at a Little Caesar.
 

RFC: They were together, but placed separate orders, and she had to pay for hers?
Even if they were taking the pies to their respective homes, shouldn't a Humme driving man offer to pay for his Hott's pizza?
I'm with ian, send in a pic of 'Heather'.

I know it's difficult, but look closely at the pic.
The Hott is actually using her teeth to pull a string through Peaches' ear from her hand on the other side of his head.

Ta Da!
 

Ha ha! Peaches. Oh, Peaches... it's been a while. I think Peaches is probably my favorite douche. And by 'favorite' I mean 'goddammit.'
 

Well done, Jon! I didn't even know Little Caesar's pizza was still in existence! You know what though, you did great because he's got enough money to get a lot of tattoos and drive a Hummer, yet he's too cheap to go to a better chain pizza place like Papa John's.

As far as the Douche's tattoo saying April, I can only guess that you ran into one of the Ninja Turtles.

Let me guess: Douche got the "Meat Lovers" pizza with extra scrote.

I'm proud of you Jon (wipes away tear).
 

Hey slick. Moving the pizza toppings around and not cutting it doesn't really strike me as busting the guys chops.

You slide a bear trap into his pie the next time and we can talk.

- Douchey Smurf
 

@ Douchey Smurf

I reiterate...Jon works at a Little Caesar.

But, good point. The bear trap in the pie is a classic gag, D.S.

Maybe you should call yourself, "Jokey Smurf."

HEEE YAAAA YUCKLE YAKA YUCKLE!!
 

Do you seriously feel good for wrecking that guys pizza? Did you seriously get pissed for having to work at work? No wonder the job you got is a night shift at a fastfood place.

How can a guy that looks like Zoolander be a douche? ;)
 

Jon, not bad my fellow 'bag hunter. I am proud of you that you didn't allow any semen or feces to be included on that complex pizza.
 

wtf, is this pic a caricature? blue steel with the straight eyebrows! only a cartoon figure could pull this off...
 

I believe that the "complex" pizza is Little Caesar's famous Fractal Feast, which features an infinite number of toppings geometrically decreasing in size. The only way to prepare it correctly is to do it so quickly that you actually travel backwards through time so that, in effect, it's ready before you know you want it.

So Jon's a liar. It was probably just double pepperoni.

And I too would have driven back and beaten our young hero like a dogskin rug if he'd messed with my pie. That was a bold, bold move.
 

@Anon, 10:15 a.m. -

What if this is Jon's first job and he's 16? Perhaps everyone is a douche in his eyes - it's the customer service industry, after all, so that's not a stretch.

I'm glad to see someone going out of his/her way to piss off a douchebag. It's what 'bags deserve, even if it's with a pizza. Mmmmmm.....pizza.....
 

Seeing Peaches again makes me realize I need to leave San Diego...Peaches give it up buddy, 40 is a'coming and one day it'll all be over...maybe she will reeact the scene from Single White Female with that heel into Peach's ear and do us all a favor....
 

Hey at least your working. I gotta at least give you some credit for admitting where. As for the story, anyone that tattoos a girls name right below the neck is automatically a douche. Well spotted young jedi.

The picture here is more offensive than I could possibly imagine. I want to bust this fu**ing wannabe GQ losers teeth out just for looking so damn stupid. You know how some people are obvious asses even without having ever spoken to them? Yeah... that's this guy to the letter. Way to go dumbass, now I have to go hurl my freakin lunch up.
 

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the real douche in the story is jon. he seems bitter because he has to work at a crappy ass pizza joint making $3.75 a year. i think hes just a hater, plain and simple. very much like his life. if that were my pizza you made i would have gone back and threw it on your face.
 

I'm totally gonna screw this asshole!

TOPPING SHIFT!!!

@bvg
Hilarious. All I had was "solve for Pi."
 

Combating the DB by being the passive aggressive prick that fucks with peoples' food...I really don't know what's worse.
 

Passive aggressivity is the way of the world, where as true aggression is often against the law. He messed with douche food, not peoples. A douche, is not a person, but a member of the species scrotimus maximus.
 

Hey, when you work a crappy minimum wage job and you see a person who is a total jerk come in, messing with their food is a very subtle means of protest. I can sympathize with Jon on this one.

On a side note, what made this pizza from Little Caesar's complex is probably the fact that it tasted like pizza as opposed to their usual variety which just tastes like cardboard.
 

this is Peaches scrotiest look...he calls it "blue ballz"
 

I'm with country o. g.
the hott is both flossy her teeth & the empty interior of Peaches head simultaneously
 

1. never fuck with the people who bring you food or cut your hair.

2. you own a hummer and you take your date to little ceasers? really?


really?
 

how do you ID someone that orders pizza without coming across as a stalker
 

I always knew the employees at Caesars were on the level :) Their bread sticks are so fucking good at only 2 bucks a bag.
Great job man, the question still remains as to why such a big baller would take his date to the cheapest place. You need to totally ask her out and save her from losers like him. We're pulling for ya :)
It's obvious that a rich yuppie with a hummer and ridiculous tattoos has similar things in common with a fellow employee of Little Caesars, so you aren't out of your league anymore!
 

@douchetoevsky

Yes, even if you were in some other ridiculous ride, you take this little slice of heaven wherever she wants to go. And by wherever I mean straight home to keep her away from all the rest of you pervs! ;)

Jon, you are now officially a member of 'Project DoucheCleanse' . Well done, i'd say more but...

You do not talk about 'Project DoucheCleanse'...
 

Pizza Pizza indeed! A scrote wiping well done.
 

nice one
 

Come on Peaches you've got ex gymnast but still pretty flexible hot nibbling on your ear lobes and you still look like some monkey with bowel cancer, smile you git!!!
 

jon's a loser than the douche he messed with......so bitter about his crappy life that he has to mess with someone....i'm sure the hott will be interested in hooking up with a cashier from little ceasars. logic also tells me that if this really did happen, he wouldn't wait for days or week to tell the story ("hott has been back three times". for jon's pathetic sake, let's hope he is working his way through college.
 

I can attest from my teen summers at Mazzio's that the most dreaded complex pizza is: Mexican.

mix da refried beans + sauce, put onna pie, add toppings and cheese, run tru da oven, chop lettuce, tomato, black olives, cheddar, onions, AND crumble da nacho chips, pulla pizza out da oven, put the aforementioned onnit, and....done.

That summer at Mazzios sealed the deal for college for me. Fuck a buncha makin' pizza.
 

@ Anonymous 9:02

If there is no signiture on the back of a credit/debit card you are technically supposed to ask for ID.
 

Great job Jon -

While it may not constitute a true 'bag tag (as a corresponding photo is missing), still no doubt a job well done. I nominate you immediately for Employee of the Month, and think you should tell your story to upper management, and see if you can be the catalyst for a change in Little Caesar's Operating Procedures.
 

Next time tell him he is the 10,000th customer and you need to take his picture.

Just a thought...
 

I feel a great disturbance in the force, as if millions of voices cried out "Douche!" and then suddenly were silenced. Methinks Anon 4:55 on this posting is Little Red RidingScrote, disguising himself as one of us so he can throw us under the bus. Exhibit A: spelling out John's motivation for his pizza gag as the act of "a hater" who can't get girls. The prosecution rests.
 

Forgive me, a "bitter" "hater" because he works at a crappy job. Girls were never mentioned, and I must have followed the Scrote logic to its douchevitable conclusion. Though it wasn't mentioned, it surely would have been, had Anon 4:55's lack of opposable thumbs not frustrated his efforts at the keyboard.
 

Peaches has graduated to pointing with a hott's shoe. I wouldn't have guessed he possessed the capacity to innovate.
 

@Anon 6:38
If she paid with credit, there's no need to ID. The name is on the card.

Also, why would you think they're on a date? They came with two different cars to Little Cesar, paid seperately and left seperately...
 

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Jon is my new hero.
 

I'm with douchetoevsky..

Don't be a dick to people you want something from, and they won't treat you like the prick you are.

Well done Jon, now get her e-mail, social security, street address and favorite lipstick color and mail it to me at iwantherboobies [at] onmyfacenow [dot] com
 

Douche or not, messin with his food, that's just cold. Can't you just steal his girl?