Thursday, May 22, 2008

 

Zippy


At first, Zippy's deceptively undouchey. Just your average Bennington student after a long round of herb enhanced Ultimate Frisbee.

Then you notice them. The unmistakable signs of douche. Hidden star tatts that summon the ethos of Fish Slap and Bra. Goofy ass hair bandana. Stupid wristband + watch combo.

Total douche? Not at all. But definitely stage 2.

I would slay Corsicans at the Battle of Ponte Novu while beat boxing in Gaelic just for the chance to tongue scrub Princess Hott's linens after a sweaty and sleepless night. Hotts like that start wars.
Comments:
Look! It's the ubiquitous red cup's little brother!
 
Ah Hells Yeah! Back up and running. That's one hot HOTT. And that's one smirky looking bra... bro. But you know what? He's prolly an alright joker. Bet he can play beer pong like nobodies biz. Pong on "White Wrist" pong strong.

- El Doucho Le Smurfizzle
 
Yeah, this one's all about the Hott. On the off chance that some of her underwear may have been in them, I would collect all the dryer lint from the laundry nearest to her house and pack it into my poopchute.
 
Browsing this site has made me ill. Physically ill.

Thanks a lot.
 
I just vomited a little...in my mouth. Not cool.
 
@Anon 5:58 and 59.... Don't let the old screen door tap you on your ass on the way out. You just have ta get into it broski.

- Douchey Smurf
 
oh.... my..... god.....

forget him. she is smokin.
 
You know, I can't hate too much on our friend here, although men should never EVER wear a headband that pulls back his hair. Plus, it's a good thing he has that sweatband on his wrist, he looks like he's really exerting himself puffing out his chest.

Now, I'd like to say some words about this girlie here, nay, this woman... Damn, she is damn near perfect despite her tragic case of Diminished Gluteal Syndrome. If I was going to nail down my perfect girl, I think I'd start with her and build from there. Truly we are in the presence of true beauty, dare I say the most truly beautiful girl who has appeared on this site.
 
there is onlt 2 types of tattoos. type 1: an attempt to make yourself look harder than u actually are.
type 2: a symbol that means something to the wearer.
so wat the fuck is the deal with this star tattoo phenom?? only a douche can answer that. or maybe he cant, maybe hes such a douche he doesnt even know why the fuck he got stars tattooed on his shoulder...
on a lighter note, wat a Hott!
 
slight resemblance to joaquim noah?
 
Thank you DB1, for the hott.

The drought has ended.
 
i'd gladly be a douchebag for a woman like that.
 
i would skin a live rabid badger for a chance to nibble on her lovely hip bone, that curvy area just peeking out from the top of her shorts.

my goddness, she is lovely.
 
With that goofy cauliflower rubber band in his hair, he looks like Tempest Bledsoe, ca. 1988. Somebody shoot him in the face.
 
Gaelic beat boxing...brillian, DB1, simply brilliant. You never run out. On another note, sex-kitten-next-door is amazing. I would change her litter box any time. And by that I mean I would beg her not to call the police after she catches me going through her underwear drawer.
 
I was going to take a night off...
Nevermind. She changed my mind. Off to get a sock...
 
@Anon, 6:47 p.m. - Using such an extreme to support your argument isn't a good idea. Now, no one would begrudge you a desire to, for instance, be swallowed by a blue whale to find the bikini bottoms this hott abandoned while deciding to skinny dip.

But you never, *ever* want to be a douchebag. That's just going too far.
 
zippy, i hate you
 
Sweet pencil thin douche strap with a touch of scrotic zirconia!!!
 
Looks like a creolechoad creepin up on a young lovely hott....


Creolechoad....part black....part white.....black guy hair....pulled back.....with a scrunchie....stylin and profilin in yo big ass stunna shades....so nobody sees your lazy eye....
 
I'd gladly start a war with the Spartans in order to steal Helen of Troy hott, even if it made me look queer like Orlando Bloom.
 
"Certified Douchebag"

written by Karl Rove

this for all you choads!


Oooohhhh baby...she walks down the street just feelin the beat/

suddenly he creeps upon her/

she looks around and sees this clown/

scrunchie in his hair hold down a cup of Gin & Perrier/

Ohhhh girl you better watch out/

Before he whips out his.....camera/

Because He's a Certifed Douchebag!/

"Douchebag!"

A Certified Douchebag!/

"Douchebag!"

Girl you messin with a Certified Douchebag/

"Douchebag!"

A Certified Douchebag!/

His name is Chase and he grabs your waist/

He reeks of Axe body spray/

You want him to go away but he has this strange charm/

Baby don't become a bleeth!

His breath so stank it melts his teeth!/

Because he's a Certified Douchebag!/

"Douchebag!"

A Certifed Douchebag!/

"Douchebag"

Baby jus run away before its too late!

Because he's a Certified Douchebag!/

"Douchebag!"

A Certified Douchebag!/
 
Does the choadwhore have a star tatoo on his right shoulder?
 
I would gladly be flogged with a jagged stone, stretched until my skin was nearly ripped apart, and then hung out to tan in the arid heat just for a small piece of me to be woven into the front of her leather belt.

He is a mini bra... smaller stars, coke cup in hand... puffed chest... and total choad.
 
It is true, vermont is a hell that collects stoners like this. Maybe not a douche but most def smells of pot, sweat, and looks very unclean and makes others feel that way when they see him.

Why were the massive "I had 50 cents left over and was at walmart" gay-ban glasses not addressed in the discription?
 
"just for a small piece of me to be woven into the front of her leather belt."

And by small piece of me... I mean my trouser trout.
 
Star tats? Maybe he's a Cowboy fan, "America's team" (ugh).

Tooloose Ladouche
 
Zippy is my hero.
 
dude looks like a hater I flipped at Bennigan's last night. wait, make that a waiter I tipped at Bennigan's last night.
 
Holy christ is that one screamin Hott. Hottentott hott oughta shot dis dickslot....
 
The excessive manscaping screams douche..guys that wax their arms and shave their pits might as well go ahead and get a brazilian for the mangina.
 
I am with Ano 9:35: This fagtastic glasses really push this dude over the edge and by edge I mean pulling his face over some razor edges.
 
Liquor and this hott drunkened me!
 
@douche quixote

Maybe she's confused--maybe somebody told her, "Girl, you got to get yourself an ass," and so she picked up this guy. Tragic.
 
He never parties without his back door buzzer.
 
for some reason this chick reminds me of kelly lynch in drugstore cowboy.

which is good. and by good, i mean wood.
 
a cross-breeding of Claudio from Coheed and Cambria and "Spanish" from Old School.

Doucheface Killah
 
Zippy is a true douche's douchebag.

At first he appears to be a harmless bozo, but then the longer you stare at his puffed out waxed chest, mini red cup, the shitty star tatts, the slightly arrogant smirk, the georgeous hott, the undeserved sense of entitlement, the more an otherwise sane individual becomes filled with a homicidal or douchecidal rage (thanks scrotten), convinced that any jury would clear one of any wrong-doing if you were to slather this choad in rancid pork brine and feed him to the crocodiles in front of his maternal grandmother.

ahhh, princess...
 
Nice chest stubble, choad.

I'm selling real estate in that little space between the top of her shorts and her delicious, firm, silky, springy, lower abdomen. Inch-square lots start a $1 million.
 
I would chug rancid hair-tainted goat milk out of a sick pig's asshole just for the privilege to suck her plumber's unwashed fingers; for those filth-crusted sausages are relics that have touched the porcelain throne that has held aloft the highest wonder. And poop.

But I would never go as far as Anon 6:47. That's just sick.
 
How do idiots this get babes? It's mind boggling.

I hope that bridge from "War of the Worlds" in background gets shot down by aliens and falls on him.
 
This may have been mentioned above (too lazy to read 40+ comments. The part that disturbs me the most is that this douchenozzle has less body hair than she does.
 
I love the gap where her hooch is. It has just enough space to put my hand down there and check the oil.

As for the douche - Paris Hilton called. She wants her sunglasses back.
 
I hope the bartender spit in his drink. This Slacker Douche didn't even have the common sense to get a Ubiquitous Red Cup! Effin' DUMBass.
 
@Jizztastic
That gap is the best indication of a good bouncing girl, that has no belly and weighs no more than 95lbs
To the GAP!!!! GULP!!!
Nammer
 
his mom is going to ground him when she finds out her son stole her sunglasses and used her venus razor on his chest.
 
The girl is truly gorgeous and this tool has no shot with her. Guaranteed. Girls like this require a bare minimum of a BMW 5 Series, Aryan good looks and and a bottomless checking account courtesy of mommy and daddy. Geo metro, Joakim Noah wannabe and a few hundred bucks from selling tainted E to junior high kids just won't cut it for this caliber of female.
 
I had to run it through picture manager and brighten up the background to be sure, and yes, sure enough, Tempest Butthole has a really douchey looking Afro above his elastic headband.
 
I went to Bennington.

Bennington has douchebags too.

More than you'd think.

Way more.
 
The hott is super-ouch-I-just-burned-my-fingers hott.

The douche is very douchey - he has all the parts, but I get the impression he's play-acting. Do the math:

red cup. Check.
wrist band. check.
wasxed chest. check.
waxed armpits. check.
smirky fucked up smile. check.
dorky cloth on his head. check.
welding goggles. check.
dopey earring. check.
worthless star tats. check.

BUT: he just doesn't read "douche". As much as I want to bitch slap this little freak (and he IS little, or the hott is seriously tall) I just get the impression that he's just some insecure jewish kid (check the jewfro) from Millburn, New Jersey, who thinks if he has all the signifiers of doucheness, he will attract hotts. And obviously, he did. So, it worked. But I get the impression that after graduation, he'll go to med school and specialise as a podiatrist. He'll never marry the shiksa here. So, he'll bang her skinny little butt for a while and then settle down with Rachel from Metuchen.
 
I'd say, nottadouche, could be way off the mark but he looks as though those star tats could form a southern cross, slightly more meaningful to the australasian viewer but still a douchey tat, the headband and so forth is a typical trait among the islander community here, really not a show pony/douchey thing.

watch/sweatband combo.... unexcusable... and the pose for the camera.... really wouldnt say much of a douche
 
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