Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Jesus Criss
Celebudouche is always hard to quantify.
Does being famous inform scrotal facepuddery? Or is the need to shave patterns in the chin pubes and dress like a name brand refugee merely the mark of narcissistic ambition writ literal?
Pictured here we have noted scrotal prestidigitator, Criss Angel. We've previously seen Angel douching it up on the site here and here.
If John Mayer is conceptual douche, Criss Angel is the physical manifest. The Ghost of Douchemas future.
Mayerbag and Angelbag thus operate by what I like to term the Mangelbag Principle: the polarities at either end of the celebuscrotal spectrum that work in concert to spray putridude across our pop-culture wasteland.
Mayerbag embodies douchebag attitude as "sensitive irony" and without physical mark (until he added the sleeve tatts). Criss Angel is the inverse. Douche Manifest. Assbaggery gone supernova.
Between Mayerbag and Angelbag, we find the entire spectrum of celebutard paradigm. Scrotal performance in service of macking on Hollywood's Five Easy Pieces (Simpson, Hilton, Spears, Lohan, Kardouchian).
And within their rainbow skittles of performative designer brand fakery, lies the entire paradigm that influences the mass replication of viral rankpooery.
Which is a roundabout way of saying he sucks.
h/t Go Fug Yourself
Comments:
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I've heard Mayer on the radio show "Loveline". He's cooler than you think. But Angel...heh..Angel is a fuggin Douche squared. You're a magician, disappear!
# posted by 
: 2:15 PM
: 2:15 PM 
Who's the pregnant milf next to him?
Criss Angel's greatest feat of magic? Tranformation from UberDouche to normal guy. It can't be done. Considered too dangerous to attempt.
Criss Angel's greatest feat of magic? Tranformation from UberDouche to normal guy. It can't be done. Considered too dangerous to attempt.
Chris Angel isn't a Douchebag per se... he's a Magic Nerd. Me thinks he wraps himself in all the regalia to hide that very fact. Here's the deal Chris... you aren't a fucking Rock Star... you have a vegas magic act. Now go slide out of the gear and into a tuxedo. Don't forget to stick a couple doves up your sleeves for good measure.
- Douchey Smurf
- Douchey Smurf
# posted by : 2:31 PM
: 2:31 PM
...and this year's Douchey award for most ridiculous bondage bling goes to...Criss Angel!
# posted by : 2:31 PM
: 2:31 PM
meh - he gets paid to be a fuckwitted hero to the millions of douchebags in the world. he is a parasite more than a douchebag.
# posted by : 3:02 PM
: 3:02 PM
Go to the Rants and Raves of Craigs List in Las Vegas... Every once in a while, you'll see the pre-teen girlies that think this supra-douche is the king singing his praises. It'd be funny, were it not so damn sad.
As for Angelbag himself, having seen him around the Aladdin (when it was the Aladdin, before Planet Hollywood), I can say with one hundred percent conviction that the douche is a douche. Although the concept of hiding himself away in the rags of doucheness to cover his essential nerdiness does sound convincing. The duality of man being that he really wants to be something else, much cooler than he currently is. In Vegas, this is definitely possible. Everyone is a millionaire five minutes from their apartment. Angelbag seems to have made this construct pay off in spades. And by spades, I mean seriously hot hotts (Cameron Diaz, the Ms. Nevada woman, etc.)
As for Angelbag himself, having seen him around the Aladdin (when it was the Aladdin, before Planet Hollywood), I can say with one hundred percent conviction that the douche is a douche. Although the concept of hiding himself away in the rags of doucheness to cover his essential nerdiness does sound convincing. The duality of man being that he really wants to be something else, much cooler than he currently is. In Vegas, this is definitely possible. Everyone is a millionaire five minutes from their apartment. Angelbag seems to have made this construct pay off in spades. And by spades, I mean seriously hot hotts (Cameron Diaz, the Ms. Nevada woman, etc.)
# posted by : 3:23 PM
: 3:23 PM
Go to the Rants and Raves of Craigs List in Las Vegas... Every once in a while, you'll see the pre-teen girlies that think this supra-douche is the king singing his praises. It'd be funny, were it not so damn sad.
As for Angelbag himself, having seen him around the Aladdin (when it was the Aladdin, before Planet Hollywood), I can say with one hundred percent conviction that the douche is a douche. Although the concept of hiding himself away in the rags of doucheness to cover his essential nerdiness does sound convincing. The duality of man being that he really wants to be something else, much cooler than he currently is. In Vegas, this is definitely possible. Everyone is a millionaire five minutes from their apartment. Angelbag seems to have made this construct pay off in spades. And by spades, I mean seriously hot hotts (Cameron Diaz, the Ms. Nevada woman, etc.)
As for Angelbag himself, having seen him around the Aladdin (when it was the Aladdin, before Planet Hollywood), I can say with one hundred percent conviction that the douche is a douche. Although the concept of hiding himself away in the rags of doucheness to cover his essential nerdiness does sound convincing. The duality of man being that he really wants to be something else, much cooler than he currently is. In Vegas, this is definitely possible. Everyone is a millionaire five minutes from their apartment. Angelbag seems to have made this construct pay off in spades. And by spades, I mean seriously hot hotts (Cameron Diaz, the Ms. Nevada woman, etc.)
# posted by : 3:23 PM
: 3:23 PM
Sorry for the double post. Can anyone get that outta there and make me look like less of a douche? Thanks!
# posted by : 3:24 PM
: 3:24 PM
Arg, I just smashed my knee under my desk, it just automatically jerks upwards when looking at a douche of this caliber in hopes of connecting with a set of balls. Chris Angel is what would happen if we rehydrated Steven Tyler. Only difference is I actually like Aerosmith and Steven Tyler. Ugh, his vest cant even hold his titties in. And by the looks of it, its a woman's vest. So is the haircut and hat. Fuck, even his SHOES are girl shoes. MEN DO NOT WEAR PLATFORMS!!! Unless you want to take a trip to funky town and get down with your bad disco self. God, my soul hurts because of this one.
For chrissakes, he's 40! That adds to the douchiness AND creepiness factor. Oh yeah- and he has the same effeminate lisp as Paul Stanley. Truly an archetype of scrote.
# posted by : 4:04 PM
: 4:04 PM
God I would love to make a bullet disappear in his fuckin melon.
Scrote Von Douchemarck
Scrote Von Douchemarck
# posted by : 7:24 PM
: 7:24 PM
Great Essay DB! ........ maybe the best I have ever read about a
Cele-BRA-douche!!
Cele-BRA-douche!!
# posted by : 7:39 PM
: 7:39 PM
@anon 2:15
With all due respect, I offer this simple equation:
"Your Body Is a Wonderland" = douche
Note that "Your Body..." can be replaced with any song whose primary artistic goal is to get 13-year-old girls wet.
With all due respect, I offer this simple equation:
"Your Body Is a Wonderland" = douche
Note that "Your Body..." can be replaced with any song whose primary artistic goal is to get 13-year-old girls wet.
All magicians are douches. From Angel and Blaine to Copperfield, to the ped working 7 year old's birthday parties. The question, bag hunters, is which came first---the card tricks or the black painted fingernails? The three celebrity magicians mentioned above have all seen better ass than the shitter at the Playboy mansion, and more of it. And, they're fuckin' douche magicians.
your sister's 1st
your sister's 1st
# posted by : 7:58 PM
: 7:58 PM
I think it was Gertrude Stein's hot little sister Gina who once said "a douche is a douche is a douche is a douche."
Anon 12:15, If you think that Mayerbag's a righteous dude, check out his blog on a Japanese tech/lifestyle site where he flaunts his new Blackberry Bold. Not on the market yet, but he's got one. And he whines aobut why people call him a douche.
Just like the way he showed off his iphone before it was available to the little people.
Scrote.
Anon 12:15, If you think that Mayerbag's a righteous dude, check out his blog on a Japanese tech/lifestyle site where he flaunts his new Blackberry Bold. Not on the market yet, but he's got one. And he whines aobut why people call him a douche.
Just like the way he showed off his iphone before it was available to the little people.
Scrote.
Oh, and the chickadee is Poppy Montgomery. Not a great pic of her. She usually looks much hotter:
http://www.maxim.com/girls_of_maxim/girl_template_magnified.aspx?id=1097&ind=7
http://www.maxim.com/girls_of_maxim/girl_template_magnified.aspx?id=1097&ind=7
If Mayer's not a douche than neither am I!
Yours Truly,
Fishslap
(Scrote Von Douchemark)
Yours Truly,
Fishslap
(Scrote Von Douchemark)
# posted by : 9:10 PM
: 9:10 PM
There is a wrongness about this picture that can only be righted with a flamethrower. I hate this fuckin bag and want to force him into a commercial wood chipper face first.
# posted by : 12:27 AM
: 12:27 AM
The Hott MILF's inner monologue:
"Thank god I've already given birth, because just the thought that this douche was the one who knocked me up would make me take a coat-hanger to my womb.
Also, now I have to get deloused. My agent is SO FIRED!!!"
"Thank god I've already given birth, because just the thought that this douche was the one who knocked me up would make me take a coat-hanger to my womb.
Also, now I have to get deloused. My agent is SO FIRED!!!"
# posted by : 2:52 AM
: 2:52 AM
If Criss Angel was a breakfast cereal, he'd be Lobster Flavored Ass Bombs.
Goes great with 2% milk. Poo and lobster. Yummy.
Goes great with 2% milk. Poo and lobster. Yummy.
Didnt they use to burn witches and magicians in the middle ages? Now there a law I vote to bring back.
Mimes suck but they are way cooler then this bag.
Mimes suck but they are way cooler then this bag.
# posted by : 4:24 AM
: 4:24 AM
What a fucking tool.
Michael Vick called and wants his dog chains back.
What a fucking tool.
Michael Vick called and wants his dog chains back.
What a fucking tool.
# posted by : 4:34 AM
: 4:34 AM
Wonder what this tool and his boyfriend practice hiding/make disappear???
Wish this bag would try whatever trick would get him killed fastest!!!
Wish this bag would try whatever trick would get him killed fastest!!!
i think his pants are awesome.
kidding. Criss Angel is a fucking douchebag. "If John Mayer is conceptual douche, Criss Angel is the physical manifest." no truer words have ever graced this website. well done DB1.
kidding. Criss Angel is a fucking douchebag. "If John Mayer is conceptual douche, Criss Angel is the physical manifest." no truer words have ever graced this website. well done DB1.
# posted by : 6:52 AM
: 6:52 AM
As I've stated on other posts before... a little goes a long way. The difference is where I may sling on "a" bracelet or necklace... Criss crawls out of bed, shuffles outside into his driveway, where a waiting dump truck, full to the brim with trinkets, dumps its payload on him. When he climbs out of the pile what ever doesn't fall off he wears for the day... and then he goes back inside to eat his Cap'n Crunch with the showgirl he banged the previous evening.
- Douchey Smurf
- Douchey Smurf
# posted by : 7:10 AM
: 7:10 AM
Pfah: When did you and Mrs Pfah travel to Baghdad? I hear that's quite a lovely vacation spot. Very romantic.
If he is a illuionist, then it's no illusion that he is a douche.
He even looks greasey.
He even looks greasey.
# posted by : 7:17 AM
: 7:17 AM
either blogger's fucked up, or db1 overdosed on night train last night. guess ill have to find some other place to waste my work day today.
Well folks, the worst publishing software in the world, Blogger, is freezing and broken again this morning. My posts aren't showing up, but I'm trying to find a workaround. Total ass.
- management
- management
That will teach you to fuck with a magic user, DB1. Criss Angel just destroyed your shit.
# posted by : 9:06 AM
: 9:06 AM
From Wikipedia:
Christopher Nicholas Sarantakos (born December 19, 1967), better known by his stage name Criss Angel is an American magician, musician, escapologist, stunt performer, and the physical manifestation of all that is douche-y...
Christopher Nicholas Sarantakos (born December 19, 1967), better known by his stage name Criss Angel is an American magician, musician, escapologist, stunt performer, and the physical manifestation of all that is douche-y...
Top five douchiest 'entertainment' professions.......
1. Dane Cook
2. magician
3. clown
4. mime
5. celebrity impersonator
I guess Cook's profession is being Dane Cook. He certainly isn't a comedian, as comedians make people laugh, not want to brush their teeth with a loaded, hair triggered 44 mag.
IFYM
1. Dane Cook
2. magician
3. clown
4. mime
5. celebrity impersonator
I guess Cook's profession is being Dane Cook. He certainly isn't a comedian, as comedians make people laugh, not want to brush their teeth with a loaded, hair triggered 44 mag.
IFYM
# posted by : 9:16 AM
: 9:16 AM
@danny noonan.....nice one. that's Venice Beach, not Baghdad ya 'tard. of course, Venice Beach is almost as sketchy.
# posted by : 9:17 AM
: 9:17 AM
Pic caption:
"Shaggy gave Scooby's head a fond stroke as he slowly licked the peanut butter out of his crack..."
"Shaggy gave Scooby's head a fond stroke as he slowly licked the peanut butter out of his crack..."
I am so glad that you gave a shout out to the GFY girls. I am a daily reader of you both. And together you are working to rid the world of its cultural ills. Thank you DB1 and GFY (Heather and Jessica). As Kevin and Bean would say..."you're doing the lords work."
Mickey McDouche
Mickey McDouche
# posted by : 11:38 AM
: 11:38 AM
@ Caption :
After having one arm lengthened by trying to literally wear a grandfather clock on his wrist, this douchebags' douchebag casually explains " Yo that's just how I roll"....
Roll on DB1.. Roll on
After having one arm lengthened by trying to literally wear a grandfather clock on his wrist, this douchebags' douchebag casually explains " Yo that's just how I roll"....
Roll on DB1.. Roll on
I have never considered myself homosexual at all but I gotta say, if I were to ever bang a guy in his ass until I shot my load all up in there, this guy would be the one.
He kinda looks like a chick too so it might be easy to transition to, like having sex with a tranny. And he's magical, i wonder if he could magically wrap his starfish around my dong while floating in the air!! Probably!
He kinda looks like a chick too so it might be easy to transition to, like having sex with a tranny. And he's magical, i wonder if he could magically wrap his starfish around my dong while floating in the air!! Probably!
# posted by : 1:01 PM
: 1:01 PM
I saw this guy once in Vegas and he really is crazy! He made a lightbulb appear out of nowhere and then he made someone rise from the dead!!!! I was so scared that I ran away from him and out of the theater, others were running away too, screaming!
I think he is the devil!
I think he is the devil!
# posted by : 1:53 PM
: 1:53 PM
@Mr. Belvedere and Anon 1:53. A 2nd "Ummmmmmmmmm."
- Douchey Smurf
PS
How the fuck am I supposed to wile away my Friday afternoon at work BLOGGER! You sorry motherfuckers want me to actually work don't ya? I refuse.
- Douchey Smurf
PS
How the fuck am I supposed to wile away my Friday afternoon at work BLOGGER! You sorry motherfuckers want me to actually work don't ya? I refuse.
# posted by : 2:24 PM
: 2:24 PM
Mr. Douche Belvedere:
I don't mean to alarm you, but your cock might be gay.
The best defense you have against it spreading to the rest of your body is to stick it in Lindsay Lohan and wait 3 days for it to turn black and fall off.
I don't mean to alarm you, but your cock might be gay.
The best defense you have against it spreading to the rest of your body is to stick it in Lindsay Lohan and wait 3 days for it to turn black and fall off.
and Anon 1:53:
I know where he made the light bulb appear from. Hint: There's no magic involved, unless you consider his asshole to be magic. Like Mr. Belvedere does.
I know where he made the light bulb appear from. Hint: There's no magic involved, unless you consider his asshole to be magic. Like Mr. Belvedere does.
wow....he has his own womens panties, fishnet stockings, and $100 shirts. Like to see the BLEETHS who sport this crap!
# posted by : 3:19 PM
: 3:19 PM
Jesus, Criss. Why are you a charicature of humanity, you fucking tool? Nice posture - you look like you're having a petit mal seizure. Or you rode the short bus to the awards.
Industrial-sized cross and skull, spray painted on his pants with a stencil. Very creative and subtle too. That would have looked possibly cool to someone who enjoys watching the Power Rangers. Aka, a small child, or a monkey.
Tard.
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Industrial-sized cross and skull, spray painted on his pants with a stencil. Very creative and subtle too. That would have looked possibly cool to someone who enjoys watching the Power Rangers. Aka, a small child, or a monkey.
Tard.
# posted by : 10:47 AM
: 10:47 AM << Home
