Monday, March 31, 2008
HCwDB of the Week
While there were a few of the stronger Vegas uberdouche from last week to pick from, this week's Weekly is for the everyman. The average douched up schlub. The anonymous working class scrote, doing their small part to contribute to a larger world. And by world, I mean ass pimple.
So while your humble narrator in all things ankle-chain/Affliction, The DB1, nurses a mild hangover due to excess sugar high during drinking last night(stupid Twinkies), here are your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Ned's Fantasy Camp
We all gotta give it up to Ned.
It's not every day that, when the rest of the Dunder Mifflin office is worried about their March Madness picks or their fantasy baseball draft, Ned is taking his two week vaca to douche it up Hard Rock Style.
You go with your awkard henna tatt, your bizarre freedom trail, and your saggy flaccid nipples that look vaguely like the evil creatures from The Dark Crystal, Ned. It's impressive. And by impressive, I mean not impressive.
Heck, ya got two sexy, slutty Vegas cocktail waitresses. So I guess your fantasy camp beats the one where you get to play slow pitch softball with Marty Barrett.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Nighthawk aka Balboabag
Sly Spittoon isn't one of the harsher dbags we've featured in recent weeks. But the chin pubes + chest reveal are enough for him to qualify as an everybag.
And for the Asian fetishists in our midst (you know who you are), tasty Sue Kim is a Dim Sum of delight.
Seriously. Her legs can cure rickets.
As to Cobrettibag, do not underestimate the power of the possessional ass pat for its douchey power. For there's nothing more annoying than Stallonebags in Don Johnson attire patting down the ass of their date while giving you a look that says, "I may sell used cars, but she's not smart enough to know she can do better."
Indeed she isn't, Nighthawk.
Indeed indeed.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Turtleman
At first I wasn't sure if Sweet Polly Stateschool would be enough to carry Turtleman to a finals appearance.
But I was pleased to see Polly got the love she deserved, even if her posture is a bit awkward.
As to the superhero myth and legend that is Turtleman, what more can be added?
He fights crime.
And by crime, I mean bling.
And by bling, I mean pop.
And by pop, I mean yellow patch in hair.
Yellow patch in hair.
Is that really necessary, Turtleman?
Really?
Yes. I suppose it is.
So them's your finalists. Three enter, only one can transcend. Which one? That, my friends and fellow 'bag hunters, is up to you.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
So while your humble narrator in all things ankle-chain/Affliction, The DB1, nurses a mild hangover due to excess sugar high during drinking last night(stupid Twinkies), here are your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Ned's Fantasy Camp
We all gotta give it up to Ned.
It's not every day that, when the rest of the Dunder Mifflin office is worried about their March Madness picks or their fantasy baseball draft, Ned is taking his two week vaca to douche it up Hard Rock Style.
You go with your awkard henna tatt, your bizarre freedom trail, and your saggy flaccid nipples that look vaguely like the evil creatures from The Dark Crystal, Ned. It's impressive. And by impressive, I mean not impressive.
Heck, ya got two sexy, slutty Vegas cocktail waitresses. So I guess your fantasy camp beats the one where you get to play slow pitch softball with Marty Barrett.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Nighthawk aka Balboabag
Sly Spittoon isn't one of the harsher dbags we've featured in recent weeks. But the chin pubes + chest reveal are enough for him to qualify as an everybag.
And for the Asian fetishists in our midst (you know who you are), tasty Sue Kim is a Dim Sum of delight.
Seriously. Her legs can cure rickets.
As to Cobrettibag, do not underestimate the power of the possessional ass pat for its douchey power. For there's nothing more annoying than Stallonebags in Don Johnson attire patting down the ass of their date while giving you a look that says, "I may sell used cars, but she's not smart enough to know she can do better."
Indeed she isn't, Nighthawk.
Indeed indeed.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Turtleman
At first I wasn't sure if Sweet Polly Stateschool would be enough to carry Turtleman to a finals appearance.
But I was pleased to see Polly got the love she deserved, even if her posture is a bit awkward.
As to the superhero myth and legend that is Turtleman, what more can be added?
He fights crime.
And by crime, I mean bling.
And by bling, I mean pop.
And by pop, I mean yellow patch in hair.
Yellow patch in hair.
Is that really necessary, Turtleman?
Really?
Yes. I suppose it is.
So them's your finalists. Three enter, only one can transcend. Which one? That, my friends and fellow 'bag hunters, is up to you.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Comments:
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This is a weak week. None of them make me want to practice throwing ninja stars at them or fire up the woodchipper. But, I must say, Turtleman moderately pisses me off and his hott reminds me of Tyra on Friday Night Lights, so, Turtleman FTW.
I agree with Dan Noonan: I don't get that familiar wave of nausea I normally get when I visit HCwDB.
That being said, I still hate them all.
Turtlehead, er, Turtleman FTW.
That being said, I still hate them all.
Turtlehead, er, Turtleman FTW.
# posted by 
: 7:08 AM
: 7:08 AM
Turtleman is this close to emo-ness...which is exactly 180 degrees away from doucheness. So he's out.
Nighthawk has arguably the sweetest hott of all the 3 finalists. And he definitely qualifies for douche status. However...
In NO universe known to man is Ned NOT the winner. The fauxhawk, the tit tattoo he stole from Christina Ricci, the KFC cup he's brought to the pool, the awful facial hair. Yes his two hotts are on the wrong side of Bleethed out strippers (one on the right's side tat almost undoes what the left's cleavage did ) and they can't compare to Balboabag's Sweet & Sour Delight.
But it's not a contest gentlemen. It's not a debate. It's not a question.
Ned ftw...come collect your award!
Nighthawk has arguably the sweetest hott of all the 3 finalists. And he definitely qualifies for douche status. However...
In NO universe known to man is Ned NOT the winner. The fauxhawk, the tit tattoo he stole from Christina Ricci, the KFC cup he's brought to the pool, the awful facial hair. Yes his two hotts are on the wrong side of Bleethed out strippers (one on the right's side tat almost undoes what the left's cleavage did ) and they can't compare to Balboabag's Sweet & Sour Delight.
But it's not a contest gentlemen. It's not a debate. It's not a question.
Ned ftw...come collect your award!
# posted by : 7:09 AM
: 7:09 AM
As much as I'd like to smack Ned with a freshly killed Carp and steal his two uber-Hotts, they clearly aren't with him, and we have more of a p2p situation. Sure, they're so hot, Dante would forget about his obsession with Beatrice just for a chance to be dragged through the ninth circle with their fat friend. But Ned doesn't enrage me nearly as much as Turtleman. I would personally rip out each individual blonde hair from his head if I saw him. And Sarah Michelle Gellar/Polly Stateschool's skirt gets me more excited than Kirstie Alley at Old Country Buffet. My vote's for Turtleman.
# posted by : 7:12 AM
: 7:12 AM
Can I put in a write in vote for Farmer Ted? NOne of the 3 nominees really personify scrote like he does.
I mean Ted had the CHIPs sunglasses, the unbutton shirt showing off the hairless chest, all the while having a migit's penis hanging on a chain.
Plus, he has that look in his face like he really believes he is all that, which the other nominees can't bring to the table.
I mean Ted had the CHIPs sunglasses, the unbutton shirt showing off the hairless chest, all the while having a migit's penis hanging on a chain.
Plus, he has that look in his face like he really believes he is all that, which the other nominees can't bring to the table.
# posted by : 7:14 AM
: 7:14 AM
Facial expressions carry a lot of weight when it comes to measuring douchiness and Ned and Turtleman don't seem all that douchey to me. Turtleman is young and not jaded enough to be a full-blown douche---though he may have been fully blown an hour or two after this pic was taken...good for him.
And Ned is just feeling lucky to be in the same frame as that pair of Real Dolls.
I vote for Nighthawk for the chest reveal and the Miame Vice duds, but mostly for the 'bag smirk.
And Ned is just feeling lucky to be in the same frame as that pair of Real Dolls.
I vote for Nighthawk for the chest reveal and the Miame Vice duds, but mostly for the 'bag smirk.
Ned for the win. His douchiness has a transcendence that surpasses the others . . . he knows not what he douche.
douche equis
douche equis
# posted by : 7:25 AM
: 7:25 AM
FIRST!
@ anon 7:09 Emo is code for high school douche. Most of us remember dressing like that to be Different. Find an Emo kid and say "Joy Division" and they'll blankly stare while lisening to She Wants Revenge loops.
Thus, Turtleman gets my vote. I was going to go with Chef Boy-Ar-Dee, aka Ned, but I almost feel happy for him: he has photo proof of touching a pretty (if whorey) girl at least once in his life. Then, on top of that, anon 7:09 went and attempted to make a case for high school losers finally makin' it with the ladies.
Whie there may be hope for him, right now he's just broke-down.
Bust out the wax, Turtleman's got that douchey sheen!
@ anon 7:09 Emo is code for high school douche. Most of us remember dressing like that to be Different. Find an Emo kid and say "Joy Division" and they'll blankly stare while lisening to She Wants Revenge loops.
Thus, Turtleman gets my vote. I was going to go with Chef Boy-Ar-Dee, aka Ned, but I almost feel happy for him: he has photo proof of touching a pretty (if whorey) girl at least once in his life. Then, on top of that, anon 7:09 went and attempted to make a case for high school losers finally makin' it with the ladies.
Whie there may be hope for him, right now he's just broke-down.
Bust out the wax, Turtleman's got that douchey sheen!
if you weren't ananymous i would launch into all the reasons emo's can be douches...
but i come to bury skeezer not to praise him...
all in all the dungeonmasterness and constipated stare into the camera of ned doessn't ring as hollow or insincere douchebaggery to me...i mean seriously how much of this guys life is about chasing tail, i think we are seeing all of it...
smarmy nighthawk and the asian could make me hit for the cycle of non-drug felonies in a single evening, but in the end it would probably just make me drink more...
the most off-pissing bag and hott combo has to be turtleman..
the chelsea clinton in kreosote mascara and a blonde wig hot does something onlyt a slightly socially ackward girl who woke up one day and decided to be sexy can...the most annoying thing about turtleman is you know he fakes complete sincerity with that golly gee grill that totally defeats the intent of siouxie sioux hair and attepmted preppy rebellion...this guy has turned his douchebaggery into the most successful part of his marketing strategy...most bags scrote to attract the bleeth...this guy not broadens his appeal through baggery, but he opens new markets for scrotes everywhere...screw you danny zuko bag turtleman ftw
nobd emeritus
but i come to bury skeezer not to praise him...
all in all the dungeonmasterness and constipated stare into the camera of ned doessn't ring as hollow or insincere douchebaggery to me...i mean seriously how much of this guys life is about chasing tail, i think we are seeing all of it...
smarmy nighthawk and the asian could make me hit for the cycle of non-drug felonies in a single evening, but in the end it would probably just make me drink more...
the most off-pissing bag and hott combo has to be turtleman..
the chelsea clinton in kreosote mascara and a blonde wig hot does something onlyt a slightly socially ackward girl who woke up one day and decided to be sexy can...the most annoying thing about turtleman is you know he fakes complete sincerity with that golly gee grill that totally defeats the intent of siouxie sioux hair and attepmted preppy rebellion...this guy has turned his douchebaggery into the most successful part of his marketing strategy...most bags scrote to attract the bleeth...this guy not broadens his appeal through baggery, but he opens new markets for scrotes everywhere...screw you danny zuko bag turtleman ftw
nobd emeritus
# posted by : 7:33 AM
: 7:33 AM
I was going to go with Ned, but Turtleman is the obvious choice here. He's got that robo-homo look to him, much like the ever-creepy Millennium Bag.
# posted by : 7:35 AM
: 7:35 AM
Tough call, but I'm going to go with Ned. I see either a sit-com featuring him as an "Office"-style everyman who chucks everything and moves to Vegas, where he hooks up with two meth addicts. Alternatively, I see him in an Oscar-worthy drama about an everyman who chucks everything and moves to Vegas, where he hooks up with two meth addicts. It'll be like "Leaving Las Vegas," instead of intending to kill himself, the two whores will do it for him.
I have to give my vote to Nighthawk.
The open shirt/white jacket/Asian Hott combo is unbearable. This hott should channel her inner O-Ren Ishii and do us all a favor.
The open shirt/white jacket/Asian Hott combo is unbearable. This hott should channel her inner O-Ren Ishii and do us all a favor.
# posted by : 7:48 AM
: 7:48 AM
I'm giving the nod the Ned. Turtles worst feature is his hair, and the hair appears to be computer generated to me.
# posted by : 7:48 AM
: 7:48 AM
This week sucks. I mean some of the regular posters are douchier than this lot.
I would say Turtleman but he appears to be a gaybag. Aw fuck it, Turtleman gets the vote. I like that chick.
I would say Turtleman but he appears to be a gaybag. Aw fuck it, Turtleman gets the vote. I like that chick.
# posted by : 7:53 AM
: 7:53 AM
Ned FTW
When I am in my fantasy world, imagining that I am in the presence of these two breathtakingly hots. Ned is the last person I expect to find. Although not the typical douchebag, Ned gives this vibe like he just ate my first born child. And for me, baby-eaters are douchebags...also Ned has some turd shaped like a crescent roll on his chest.
When I am in my fantasy world, imagining that I am in the presence of these two breathtakingly hots. Ned is the last person I expect to find. Although not the typical douchebag, Ned gives this vibe like he just ate my first born child. And for me, baby-eaters are douchebags...also Ned has some turd shaped like a crescent roll on his chest.
# posted by : 7:53 AM
: 7:53 AM
@ anon 7:09 — How is emo 180 degrees different from douche? I'd say, if anything, it's douche's depressed cousin. Ugh, I feel grimy just for reading a vague justification of emo.
My vote's for the Turtleman. The Hollister pu-pu platter was all I needed to see until I made my way up to his Dragon Ball Pee haircut. I mean, it's so out there, man! Is his natural hair blue or blonde? We may never know!
Plus, wallet chains are so fucking douche it makes my tears cry.
My vote's for the Turtleman. The Hollister pu-pu platter was all I needed to see until I made my way up to his Dragon Ball Pee haircut. I mean, it's so out there, man! Is his natural hair blue or blonde? We may never know!
Plus, wallet chains are so fucking douche it makes my tears cry.
# posted by : 7:56 AM
: 7:56 AM
the two Bleeths in Ned's photo will carry him into the winner's circle.
Ned.
but no matter who wins this Weekly, they will get their ass kicked in the Monthly. so this is a vote for futility.
Still, Ned gets my nod.
Ned.
but no matter who wins this Weekly, they will get their ass kicked in the Monthly. so this is a vote for futility.
Still, Ned gets my nod.
# posted by : 8:01 AM
: 8:01 AM
Shirt + Striped + Pink + Popped = Douche.
And that's not even multiplying by the hair factor, the chain wallet, the designer ripped jeans, the jewelry, and the mysterious bottle of kitchen and bathroom cleaner in the background.
Plus, I'm in love with Sweet Polly Stateschool.
Turtleman.
And that's not even multiplying by the hair factor, the chain wallet, the designer ripped jeans, the jewelry, and the mysterious bottle of kitchen and bathroom cleaner in the background.
Plus, I'm in love with Sweet Polly Stateschool.
Turtleman.
# posted by : 8:06 AM
: 8:06 AM
it's totally Turtle Man for me. the first guy just got a pic b/c he bought those chicks drinks, i'm afraid. and the second one, while douchey, could be worse. he's just not as funny.
but Turtle Man.....he's got so many douche elements working for him that i almost fear what will happen when he actually goes through puberty. instead of going to the tanning bed weekly....will he.....buy his OWN tanning bed?!
but Turtle Man.....he's got so many douche elements working for him that i almost fear what will happen when he actually goes through puberty. instead of going to the tanning bed weekly....will he.....buy his OWN tanning bed?!
# posted by : 8:16 AM
: 8:16 AM
Turtleman. Not even a contest in my mind. Ned is clearly a loser, but is he a classic douchebag? No. Turtleman has the earrings and other bling, the popped collar, some of the douchiest hair we have ever seen and a potential fake tan. The only thing missing is the doucheface and hand gesture.
Turtleman FTW. He looks like a normy trying desperatley to be something more. But thats the power of being so normal - you'll never be anything more than normal. This dreg needs to learn that and cut it with the ripped and faded jeans, wallet chain, pink shirt, popped collar, and faggy hair cut. He is infact more of a douchebag than I first thought.
# posted by : 8:23 AM
: 8:23 AM
To me, "emo" is all about being whiny, depressed and trying to be different just for its own sake. "Douche" is all about trying to be the biggest guy at a party.
Emos say "don't look at me, I'm unique" while Douches say "look at me! i rock!!!!"
Emos say "don't look at me, I'm unique" while Douches say "look at me! i rock!!!!"
# posted by : 8:24 AM
: 8:24 AM
However, in the light of day (and after 3 cups of coffee) I may have to reconsider my vote...completely missed the pink popped collar.
# posted by : 8:25 AM
: 8:25 AM
@clementine of cappadoucha......thanks! this is a pretty weak Weekly, but perhaps DB1 is still not feeling 100%. i mean hell, not all Weekly's can be as strong as a few weeks ago, you know?
# posted by : 8:25 AM
: 8:25 AM
turtlemans gay, neds just some lucky fat guy, nighthawk is barely offensive.
a weak week indeed. my vote is a write in for friday haiku douche and his space whores.
a weak week indeed. my vote is a write in for friday haiku douche and his space whores.
"Like, Oh my God!" Turtleman and the suburban Lois Lane remind of Nick Cage and Deborah Foreman in "Valley Girl". However, judging by the relative sterility of the family room I don't think her father smokes rope and owns an organic foods store.
This dude must be the hit at the Applebees he works at.
Terrapin to win baby!
This dude must be the hit at the Applebees he works at.
Terrapin to win baby!
# posted by : 8:31 AM
: 8:31 AM
I see nothing wrong with a fatass like Ned scoring some play from two porn chics on a bad dare and hyped up on coke and meth. With that kind of action going on he'll be out of the gene pool shortly. I say let nature take its course.
Turtleman looks like he is into some heavy Japanese animation I.E. the fuc*ed up hair he looks like Yuggio on crack I also believe that’s his sister because she is not really into “the turtle” at all.
So that leads me to “Nighthawk” aka Balboabag this dude is true scrote he's got facial pubes, the smirk and chest hair revel plus this hot is really digging him and that makes me angry. Angry enough to want to run him over three times with a semi and then go eat some tacos at the nearest Tacquriea.I would imagine running down douche like him would increase my appetite, Oh did I mention his hot would be accompanying me willingly or not I'll buy her a bowl of Menudo.
* Velvet Jones and Balboabag would make an awesome duo for a Nighthawks remake…I’m just sayin.
Turtleman looks like he is into some heavy Japanese animation I.E. the fuc*ed up hair he looks like Yuggio on crack I also believe that’s his sister because she is not really into “the turtle” at all.
So that leads me to “Nighthawk” aka Balboabag this dude is true scrote he's got facial pubes, the smirk and chest hair revel plus this hot is really digging him and that makes me angry. Angry enough to want to run him over three times with a semi and then go eat some tacos at the nearest Tacquriea.I would imagine running down douche like him would increase my appetite, Oh did I mention his hot would be accompanying me willingly or not I'll buy her a bowl of Menudo.
* Velvet Jones and Balboabag would make an awesome duo for a Nighthawks remake…I’m just sayin.
# posted by : 8:34 AM
: 8:34 AM
I know I'm supporting a lost cause here, but Nighthawk gets my vote. I feel like I'm voting for Ralph Nader, but Ned just doesn't look as incredibly douchy to me as he seems to look to everyone else. I agree Turtleman looks douchy with all his accessories, but Nighthawk has the douche face. And douchiness is not just a wardrobe, it is a lifestyle. And Nighthawk's face shows he lives and embraces the douche.
Plus, I have yellow fever.
Plus, I have yellow fever.
# posted by : 8:35 AM
: 8:35 AM
Ned because he got his hair cut like so for Rehab. He could have just embraced his mechanic persona, but instead succumbed to the pressure to douche it up at the Rehab jizz/piss pool. What will all the boys in Wisconsin say now?
# posted by : 8:42 AM
: 8:42 AM
He's got the stalagmite hair spikes with partial dye, the pink shirt douched out with the popped collar, a necklace that should be showing off HER plunging neckline, wallet chain, intentionally torn jeans, THE WORKS! I hope this emodouche, while trying to do something to "feel alive," winds up stiff as a board. The least we can do to help the blonde babe out is to take this loser and make him a winner. Turtleman for the win!
# posted by : 8:52 AM
: 8:52 AM
In reverse order:
Ned comes in at number three. Part of being douchey is to be fakin', and, he's not fakin'....that is who he is, and give him creds for for just NOT CARING.....put the boobies from the left hott on to the right hott, and, well...you know
bringing us to Turtleman. He' got the bling, all right, stupid spikey hair, collar pop and some sort of really insane, cross-eyed stare. His hott is too cute to really be hott, in a few years she'll be dragging his or some other dude's kids to soccer practice, he'll have his degree and be working in collections 9 to 5.....
Nighthawk...I'm almost 100% sure he does underwear ads, which means he's probably not even into the hott, but just fakin' it. I feel my anger rising...he's the dude in the turbo Carrera...he's the dude in the Scarab speedboat, he's the dude that loses this month's dividend at the no-limit Blackjack table and doesn't care, he needs to be slapped with a fish, and his hott properly drilled by a construction worker, while he watches....Nighthawk FTW!
Ned comes in at number three. Part of being douchey is to be fakin', and, he's not fakin'....that is who he is, and give him creds for for just NOT CARING.....put the boobies from the left hott on to the right hott, and, well...you know
bringing us to Turtleman. He' got the bling, all right, stupid spikey hair, collar pop and some sort of really insane, cross-eyed stare. His hott is too cute to really be hott, in a few years she'll be dragging his or some other dude's kids to soccer practice, he'll have his degree and be working in collections 9 to 5.....
Nighthawk...I'm almost 100% sure he does underwear ads, which means he's probably not even into the hott, but just fakin' it. I feel my anger rising...he's the dude in the turbo Carrera...he's the dude in the Scarab speedboat, he's the dude that loses this month's dividend at the no-limit Blackjack table and doesn't care, he needs to be slapped with a fish, and his hott properly drilled by a construction worker, while he watches....Nighthawk FTW!
# posted by : 8:55 AM
: 8:55 AM
Gotta give it to Nighthawk, I don't know what's going on with Ned, I imagine $$ exchanged hands or it should have in any fair universe.
As for Turtleman he's clearly fighting against all the abuse he took in junior high for being "different" Poly is there more as a pity date than anything else. But Nighthawk, god damn I hate that smirk he wins by a mile.
As for Turtleman he's clearly fighting against all the abuse he took in junior high for being "different" Poly is there more as a pity date than anything else. But Nighthawk, god damn I hate that smirk he wins by a mile.
Obviously between hawk of the night or head of the turtle- but I have to give the lean to NIGHTHAWK, because even though turt has the hair of pure douchery, the Hawk has the style down to an art.
Winner- Nighthawk
Winner- Nighthawk
# posted by : 9:13 AM
: 9:13 AM
Easily turtleman. He can't even get his genres straight, and i would give Sweet Polly Stateschool a whole roll of free moustache ride tickets. Admit one indeed.
has to be turtleman for the win!
you have to take into account that he IS the guy in the friday haiku picture. it ties in all other adoucherments that are missing from this pic, ie: bare shaven greased chest, douche face, and douche hand gestures, posing with the paid to pose promo hos. which puts this baggling over the top. hair up or down he has it all... the "the works" you might even say.
yes the WORKS.
turtlepoo FTW
~grammas jizzlet gravy~
you have to take into account that he IS the guy in the friday haiku picture. it ties in all other adoucherments that are missing from this pic, ie: bare shaven greased chest, douche face, and douche hand gestures, posing with the paid to pose promo hos. which puts this baggling over the top. hair up or down he has it all... the "the works" you might even say.
yes the WORKS.
turtlepoo FTW
~grammas jizzlet gravy~
# posted by : 9:25 AM
: 9:25 AM
Ned, because I hereby declare war upon his raisin-sized nipples, which stare at me defiantly like two flaming ruby eyes set amidst a field of marshmallow, the innie belly button approximating an alien mouth agape.
I kind of root for Ned, to be honest. Go on, Ned. Pay one of those girls an absurd amount of money for a no-touchey lapdance. You deserve it.
Turtlebag, please. I like the ones that hit close to home, and while occasionally Quan's Kitchen in North Attleboro displays the kind of coupling you see with Stallonebag and his Asian hott, and while I actually go to a fancy private liberal arts hippy school and not the proper environment for mildly-awkward-in-an-attractive-way State School Hotts, I know college douches. This is the kind of guy who would come to my fancy private liberal arts hippy school, thinking that since everybody here is so (fake) deep that his shallowness would really "bring something to the table"- and five'll get you ten people would buy it and he'd have the closest thing my school has to offer to a State School hott on his arm.
And I would grind my teeth, read my Fanon and sip my White Russian, annoyed.
Turtlebag, please. I like the ones that hit close to home, and while occasionally Quan's Kitchen in North Attleboro displays the kind of coupling you see with Stallonebag and his Asian hott, and while I actually go to a fancy private liberal arts hippy school and not the proper environment for mildly-awkward-in-an-attractive-way State School Hotts, I know college douches. This is the kind of guy who would come to my fancy private liberal arts hippy school, thinking that since everybody here is so (fake) deep that his shallowness would really "bring something to the table"- and five'll get you ten people would buy it and he'd have the closest thing my school has to offer to a State School hott on his arm.
And I would grind my teeth, read my Fanon and sip my White Russian, annoyed.
# posted by : 9:38 AM
: 9:38 AM
In keeping with the self-proclaimed week of the 'Everyman', Ned must be declared the winner.
Not since watching the changing of the guards at Buckingham palace have I seen a stare so vacant... Almost grasping at the concept of becoming an uber-douche but knowing that the poor choice of tat and addiction to the double-double animal style will lead him to a life of medi-douchity.
While I have to wonder if the red-eye reduction was actually on for creepy-devil-bag, the lack of additional hand gesture or hat tilt leaves me wanting more.
Turtleman... Oh Turtleman... The Wallet-chain/shark tooth/dog tags combination brings in the state schoolers, but oh, the damage you'll do. Baggin it up with exposed pocket and "The Works" cleaning supplies ensures another girl-next-door thrown to the wolves.
DB1 - Ned wins the prize
Not since watching the changing of the guards at Buckingham palace have I seen a stare so vacant... Almost grasping at the concept of becoming an uber-douche but knowing that the poor choice of tat and addiction to the double-double animal style will lead him to a life of medi-douchity.
While I have to wonder if the red-eye reduction was actually on for creepy-devil-bag, the lack of additional hand gesture or hat tilt leaves me wanting more.
Turtleman... Oh Turtleman... The Wallet-chain/shark tooth/dog tags combination brings in the state schoolers, but oh, the damage you'll do. Baggin it up with exposed pocket and "The Works" cleaning supplies ensures another girl-next-door thrown to the wolves.
DB1 - Ned wins the prize
Nighthawk ftw, but this is a very disappointing selection from a week that saw many more deserving scrotes.
I mean, Milli Vanilla should be in the HoS immediately and they don't even get a chance in the weekly?
I mean, Milli Vanilla should be in the HoS immediately and they don't even get a chance in the weekly?
# posted by : 10:04 AM
: 10:04 AM
The free pass being granted to Nighthawk this week is disturbing.
Ned's an anti-douche. 'Bags show off their freshly-waxed six-packs, not their treasure-trailed flab. Plus, those hotts may be pros, so I call disqualification. Turtle doesn't bother me that much - while Polly is definitely a prime example of Midwest Innocent Hott, Turtle's awkward pose with her gives me more of a "Polly, go get a picture with your cousin" vibe.
But Nighthawk...
The fact that Nighthawk knows enough to omit the more clumsy examples of douchery only makes him more dangerous. That white coat...open display of chest hair...subtle scrote patch...liberal use of hair gel...but most of all, the look on his face. That self-satisfied smirk speaks to me. And it says, "even though you have schooled your girlfriend in the ways and tactics of the douche, I have designed my game to slip under her defenses. She sees no hand gestures, no bling. You will only know the true measure of my 'bagdom when you walk in on me piledriving her on your bathroom floor after her girls night out...and then of course, it will be too late."
Nighthawk FTW
Ned's an anti-douche. 'Bags show off their freshly-waxed six-packs, not their treasure-trailed flab. Plus, those hotts may be pros, so I call disqualification. Turtle doesn't bother me that much - while Polly is definitely a prime example of Midwest Innocent Hott, Turtle's awkward pose with her gives me more of a "Polly, go get a picture with your cousin" vibe.
But Nighthawk...
The fact that Nighthawk knows enough to omit the more clumsy examples of douchery only makes him more dangerous. That white coat...open display of chest hair...subtle scrote patch...liberal use of hair gel...but most of all, the look on his face. That self-satisfied smirk speaks to me. And it says, "even though you have schooled your girlfriend in the ways and tactics of the douche, I have designed my game to slip under her defenses. She sees no hand gestures, no bling. You will only know the true measure of my 'bagdom when you walk in on me piledriving her on your bathroom floor after her girls night out...and then of course, it will be too late."
Nighthawk FTW
# posted by : 10:10 AM
: 10:10 AM
Nighthawk.
Ned's fantasy camp is not really a douche just a guy who looks like he won a kissing contest. A week later he'll return to his D&D hobby.
Ned's fantasy camp is not really a douche just a guy who looks like he won a kissing contest. A week later he'll return to his D&D hobby.
# posted by : 10:26 AM
: 10:26 AM
Nighthawk.
Ned's fantasy camp is not really a douche just a guy who looks like he won a kissing contest. A week later he'll return to his D&D hobby.
Ned's fantasy camp is not really a douche just a guy who looks like he won a kissing contest. A week later he'll return to his D&D hobby.
# posted by : 10:26 AM
: 10:26 AM
This week left a lot to be desired, and by that I obviously mean more boobies. Alas, I must choose Turtleman FTW, for he is the douchiest of the douchies.
# posted by : 10:33 AM
: 10:33 AM
turtleman FTW, simply because the combination of ripped up jeans, chain wallet, pink popped collar shirt and the douchiest emo hair to be seen since David Bowie in the Labyrinth ( http://i.imdb.com/Photos/Ss/0091369/060622_02.jpg ), makes this kid deserving of the victory, and by victory, I mean he deserves to be doused in kerosene and lit ablaze, then extinguish the fire with battery acid. Seriously, cut your fucking hair you dick licker, you grew up in the suburbs and you are NOT oppressed.
I can't vote for Ted. He is a nimrod, but not a douchebag. He is not orange, nor is he doing a stupid hand gesture or making "pouty lips".
Turtlehead, with his manufactured ripped-up blue jeans, the popped collar and blond highlight...total douchbag!
Turtlehead, with his manufactured ripped-up blue jeans, the popped collar and blond highlight...total douchbag!
Ned FTW.
Nighthawk need only shave his chin pubes, lose the bling and button his shirt and he wouldn't be douchey at all. Okay, maybe a different color blazer would help his cause as well. If he did all that he would just be like any other guy: sitting at the bar with a gin & tonic, grabbing the ass of his Filipino mail-order bride.
Turtle'bag is just a wee 'bagling. He knows not what he does. And whatever the fuck is going on in his girls mouth (4,5,6) gives me the willies. The heebee jeebees, even.
Ned is not rocking a faux-hawk. That is a real mohawk. But it comes off looking like more of a dorsal fin. He has a souvenir sport bottle to tote his quaff. Sure they are P2P skanks, but still simply skanks. And who doesn't like skanks?
Nighthawk need only shave his chin pubes, lose the bling and button his shirt and he wouldn't be douchey at all. Okay, maybe a different color blazer would help his cause as well. If he did all that he would just be like any other guy: sitting at the bar with a gin & tonic, grabbing the ass of his Filipino mail-order bride.
Turtle'bag is just a wee 'bagling. He knows not what he does. And whatever the fuck is going on in his girls mouth (4,5,6) gives me the willies. The heebee jeebees, even.
Ned is not rocking a faux-hawk. That is a real mohawk. But it comes off looking like more of a dorsal fin. He has a souvenir sport bottle to tote his quaff. Sure they are P2P skanks, but still simply skanks. And who doesn't like skanks?
# posted by : 11:04 AM
: 11:04 AM
@scrotisserie:
Don't diss Bowie's hair, dismiss it.
What I found most disturbing about that movie was the excessive amount of codpiece shots.
http://www.sweatpantserection.com/labyrinth-david-bowie.html
Well hung, snow-white tan indeed.
Don't diss Bowie's hair, dismiss it.
What I found most disturbing about that movie was the excessive amount of codpiece shots.
http://www.sweatpantserection.com/labyrinth-david-bowie.html
Well hung, snow-white tan indeed.
Tough call, as none of these 'bags makes me want to shoot them. Or myself.
I almost want to give Ned a high five...if it wasn't for his hair and fag drink.
Turtleman is just young...and isn't yet sure of his sexual orientation. I'd say his hott thinks he's gay.
So, I have to go with Balboabag. Because of the greasey forehead and exposed chest pubes. And that jacket. And those chin pubes. Crap, I think I do want to shoot him. Or myself.
That's one for Balboabag.
Nice Dark Crystal reference, DB1. Another of my childhood fav's.
Amerigo Vesdouchey
I almost want to give Ned a high five...if it wasn't for his hair and fag drink.
Turtleman is just young...and isn't yet sure of his sexual orientation. I'd say his hott thinks he's gay.
So, I have to go with Balboabag. Because of the greasey forehead and exposed chest pubes. And that jacket. And those chin pubes. Crap, I think I do want to shoot him. Or myself.
That's one for Balboabag.
Nice Dark Crystal reference, DB1. Another of my childhood fav's.
Amerigo Vesdouchey
# posted by : 11:42 AM
: 11:42 AM
I really believe Turtleman is not getting the props he deserves. Has the popped collar on a pink shirt really become so commonplace here that we ignore it? Or does his douchey Good Charlotte haircut take the viewers attention away? Don't forget dog tags and vacuous stare. The hott is a cutey too.
#1 is pure p2p and #2 doesn't really stand out imo.
+1 for TM
#1 is pure p2p and #2 doesn't really stand out imo.
+1 for TM
# posted by : 11:56 AM
: 11:56 AM
Ned is obviously with rentals and looks to sloppy to project the proper aroma of scrote to win.
Turtleman would normally be my choice, but the Nighthawk is the one I want to take an ice pick to for about an hour and a half. His lizard-like sheen, his meaty paw clutching at the lovely short skirted hott, the chin pubes that look more like a small cockroach lurking under his douchey smirk.
Nighthawk is pure douchey evil.
Turtleman would normally be my choice, but the Nighthawk is the one I want to take an ice pick to for about an hour and a half. His lizard-like sheen, his meaty paw clutching at the lovely short skirted hott, the chin pubes that look more like a small cockroach lurking under his douchey smirk.
Nighthawk is pure douchey evil.
# posted by : 12:23 PM
: 12:23 PM
Ned: Where are the tan and the bling? He's as much a dork as he is a 'bag. I say leave Ned be. So he went to Vegas. Big deal.
Nighthawk: You don't need to be a douche to score a hot Asian chick, but you generally do need money (or a very convincing illusion of it). Yeah, his shirt is open and there's the lip hair, but he's not offensive. He gets a pass.
Turtleman: C'mon, people. Look. At. Him.
Turtleman. How can there be any doubt?
Nighthawk: You don't need to be a douche to score a hot Asian chick, but you generally do need money (or a very convincing illusion of it). Yeah, his shirt is open and there's the lip hair, but he's not offensive. He gets a pass.
Turtleman: C'mon, people. Look. At. Him.
Turtleman. How can there be any doubt?
Who else feels Moon Under Miami should have been included. The mere sight of him reminds of the scarlet whore of Babylon, that is said to invade the earth during the end times. Just look at him not only is his forehead glistening, but his whole face. While it is true that the "hots" could be much hotter it must count for something that four and I repeat four hots allowed themselves to be in his presence. YUCK!!!
# posted by : 12:39 PM
: 12:39 PM
Which of these three is not like the others? It's Ned, man. He retains the air of assumed superiority without possessing the genetic gifts or narcissistic efforts to back it up. Truly repulsive douchebags always outperform the metrosexual salon dwellers.
Of course its Turtleman. Honestly if someone told you that this was indeed a weird butch-lezzy type you would totally believe it. He even has the bottle of cleaner he used to get that skunk stripe still in the background of the pic.
Must... be... Ned. He impresses by being neither fat nor fit, neither thin nor thick. If it were not for the unholy triumvirate of head / face / pube hair, I don't think poor Ned would exist at all. And if that's not enough, who here wouldn't spend an eternity cleaning chest hair from Richard Simmons' bath drain for the chance to sniff rightmost hott's fragrant side-boob floral tatoo? Mmm... Gardenias.
# posted by : 12:50 PM
: 12:50 PM
Turtleman ought to run away with this one. I don't see anything particularly douchey with Ned, and Balboabag is just kind of there - not a remarkable sneer, he has a shirt. But come on, the Pete Wentz douche that is Turtleman ought to go down in history.
# posted by : 1:01 PM
: 1:01 PM
I believe Ned is being ignored because of the public's ignorance of the redneck douche subgenre. I assure you, it exists. Do not penalize the taint for his carefree attitude towards his physique. I also detect a tanning design on his right teat that has been overlooked. Ned out of these three, although I'm not sure how Miami became an also-ran.
And the Maryland terrapin should be disqualified for not being of age. Those two are clearly in fucking junior high.
...Turtleman.
Agh that was a tough one to let Neddy slip, but I mean....there are millions of Neds out there, and that's part of his appeal, but I mean...just look at this kid.
He is everything we are going to remember with disdain and embarrassment when we look back on the trends of the early 2000's. Kind of like how we remember boybands or Ratt.
Agh that was a tough one to let Neddy slip, but I mean....there are millions of Neds out there, and that's part of his appeal, but I mean...just look at this kid.
He is everything we are going to remember with disdain and embarrassment when we look back on the trends of the early 2000's. Kind of like how we remember boybands or Ratt.
My vote for Turtleman. He's just far too over the top not to vote for him, or her, or whatever the hell that thing with the pink shirt is.
# posted by : 1:29 PM
: 1:29 PM
In the absence of a clear cut douche-winner I will invoke the Summarize Proust Rule and award the trophy to the girl with the biggest tits - congratulations Orange Bikini girl; Ned wins by default.
Sorry, got to go with Ned's Fantasy Camp. Turtleman looks like he just stepped out of Speed Racer, which while douchey is also too cute, so don't cut it. Balboabag looks like he's desperately suppressing a grin, leaving him looking awkward and lost--not douche. Ned, though, is unafraid to let the beer belly loose and still show the douche sneer-of-entitlement. Sue Kim IS fine, but Ned's got a twofer. Whassup, Ned!
I say it has to be Turtleman, if only because the Hott had to stash a bottle of cleanser to drink after the pic was taken.
# posted by : 1:48 PM
: 1:48 PM
Turtleman by a long shot. Ned may be fat but he's not as actively obnoxious, and Nighthawk is just generically douchey. Turtleman's facial expression really makes it, and everything else about him is just icing on the douche-cake.
TURTLEMAN.
He is the posterboy for all gay Dragonball Z wannabes who spend way too much time shaving their chests and putting on their jewelry. He has one tuft of blond hair for fucks sake!
This man is their God.
He is our Douche of the Week.
He is the posterboy for all gay Dragonball Z wannabes who spend way too much time shaving their chests and putting on their jewelry. He has one tuft of blond hair for fucks sake!
This man is their God.
He is our Douche of the Week.
# posted by : 2:26 PM
: 2:26 PM
Turtleman FTW. Although the other two sport higher quality hott, Turtleman oozes douchosity like an inflamed pustule. His douched-out emo hair, ridiculous popped collar, and unnecessary wallet chain scream toolbag. And what's with the multiple necklaces...Not even the industrial cleaner "The Works", showcased on the table behind him, can clean off the horrid nature of his over the top emo-douchitude.
# posted by : 2:58 PM
: 2:58 PM
sweet polly stateschool does it for me... mostly because of the lil' lacy see-thru thingy at her waistline
turtle just reminds me of my toilet brush following it's biannual swirl around my camode
t-man ftw
turtle just reminds me of my toilet brush following it's biannual swirl around my camode
t-man ftw
# posted by : 3:13 PM
: 3:13 PM
Gotta vote for Turtleman. Given that the blonde is his math tutor since he's clearly failing Algebra II, I can only imagine the rise in douchitude that's going to occur in a few months when he sets foot on [Insert State Here] State University's campus and realizes that his competition is much stronger than at [Insert Rural Town Here] High School.
This 'bagling will come into his own in the coming months. We will be seeing more of him.
Turtleman for the win. Any by win, I mean I wish I could launch a huge pile of horseshit at him.
This 'bagling will come into his own in the coming months. We will be seeing more of him.
Turtleman for the win. Any by win, I mean I wish I could launch a huge pile of horseshit at him.
What we have a is a duel between two separate levels of doucheyness:
Ned is dressed for halloween - ab by dressed I mean "not covering enough skin"
Nighthawk: The older, more accomplished 'bag - the "confident in my attire, attitude and my forehead shine" 'bag of experience.
And Asian boobs atop lovely legs like a couple of blow pops in a dress.
Turtleman: The younger, trying harder 'bag - the "confusion of hair style, gap shirt with POP collar, hemp necklace and trucker wallet chain and torn denim (whom I'll guess is dripping in Tag body spray - the preferred body spray of wannabe 'bags everywhere)" beginner 'bag.
And Sweet Perky Pushup - a vision of teeth and cleavage wrapped in sequins & lace, dipped in denim.
Who shall win in this battle of the strut? I fear we must look inside of them for the answer...at least they are shallow men so we don't have to go to deeply.
Nighthawk reveals himself with his eyes - they say, "Yeah, I'm a 'bag - you know I'm a 'bag."
Turtleman also reveals himself with his eyes - they say, "Holy SHIT! I'm really K.D. Lange!"
Age and guile over youth and agility - and by agility I mean ripped pants.
Nighthawk FTW
Ned is dressed for halloween - ab by dressed I mean "not covering enough skin"
Nighthawk: The older, more accomplished 'bag - the "confident in my attire, attitude and my forehead shine" 'bag of experience.
And Asian boobs atop lovely legs like a couple of blow pops in a dress.
Turtleman: The younger, trying harder 'bag - the "confusion of hair style, gap shirt with POP collar, hemp necklace and trucker wallet chain and torn denim (whom I'll guess is dripping in Tag body spray - the preferred body spray of wannabe 'bags everywhere)" beginner 'bag.
And Sweet Perky Pushup - a vision of teeth and cleavage wrapped in sequins & lace, dipped in denim.
Who shall win in this battle of the strut? I fear we must look inside of them for the answer...at least they are shallow men so we don't have to go to deeply.
Nighthawk reveals himself with his eyes - they say, "Yeah, I'm a 'bag - you know I'm a 'bag."
Turtleman also reveals himself with his eyes - they say, "Holy SHIT! I'm really K.D. Lange!"
Age and guile over youth and agility - and by agility I mean ripped pants.
Nighthawk FTW
Ned: I can't hate on a man that fat and ugly when he's surrounded by beautiful women no matter how he did it.
Nighthawk: If he shaved the soul patch (and the only white guy cool enough for a soul patch is Tom Waites so the rest of you should stop it) and used one more button on his shirt he'd just be a guy.
Turtleman: The douche is strong with this one. I can smell the Axe Body Spray and hair gel from her.
Nighthawk: If he shaved the soul patch (and the only white guy cool enough for a soul patch is Tom Waites so the rest of you should stop it) and used one more button on his shirt he'd just be a guy.
Turtleman: The douche is strong with this one. I can smell the Axe Body Spray and hair gel from her.
Hands down its Nighthawk.
The chicks with Ned are clearly pros and - while he is a bag - that sort of takes the whole HCw part out of the equation.
Turtle is so young, it could be just a phase. Definitely not honed over time and attempted PUA-skills development like the Nighthawk.
Nighthawk's douche reigns supreme if only because he reminds me of some dude I dated a few times - yeah, he was always slick, horrible coif, open shirt, smirky grin over getting a nice piece... But the kicker is that anytime a camera came out he always had to force his face near mine and squeeze way too hard, I swear I had fingerprints on my ass or waist everytime a pic was taken. Just look at his expression, the way he is forcing himself on her... ewwww I need to bathe in Lysol just thinking about it.
so, bad memories and all = Hawk all the way!
The chicks with Ned are clearly pros and - while he is a bag - that sort of takes the whole HCw part out of the equation.
Turtle is so young, it could be just a phase. Definitely not honed over time and attempted PUA-skills development like the Nighthawk.
Nighthawk's douche reigns supreme if only because he reminds me of some dude I dated a few times - yeah, he was always slick, horrible coif, open shirt, smirky grin over getting a nice piece... But the kicker is that anytime a camera came out he always had to force his face near mine and squeeze way too hard, I swear I had fingerprints on my ass or waist everytime a pic was taken. Just look at his expression, the way he is forcing himself on her... ewwww I need to bathe in Lysol just thinking about it.
so, bad memories and all = Hawk all the way!
# posted by : 3:57 PM
: 3:57 PM
Ned's Fantasy Camp confuses me. On one hand, I sense where everyone can see his douchiness, though I can't quite put my finger on it. And at the same time, I can't help but feel mildly impressed because he looks just enough like a normal guy who managed to land two uber-hotties by some incredible stroke of chance.
Nighthawk, on the other hand, is douche without a doubt. However, he is still only a fledgling, with little more than the semi-exposed artificially hairless chest, slightly greased hair, and a hint of chin pubes. A bag of the future maybe, but for now, there are bigger problems at hand.
Namely, Turtleman. His ripped jeans, dogtags, and unbuttoned shirt with popped collar are all signs of douchiness, but his hair is what really takes the cake (and by cake, I mean poo). It reminds me of a friend of mine who has a relatively hairless back, except for one small patch that has hair growing like crazy out of it. Factor in the blank and yet pompous stare, and you have my vote for the weekly.
Nighthawk, on the other hand, is douche without a doubt. However, he is still only a fledgling, with little more than the semi-exposed artificially hairless chest, slightly greased hair, and a hint of chin pubes. A bag of the future maybe, but for now, there are bigger problems at hand.
Namely, Turtleman. His ripped jeans, dogtags, and unbuttoned shirt with popped collar are all signs of douchiness, but his hair is what really takes the cake (and by cake, I mean poo). It reminds me of a friend of mine who has a relatively hairless back, except for one small patch that has hair growing like crazy out of it. Factor in the blank and yet pompous stare, and you have my vote for the weekly.
# posted by : 5:21 PM
: 5:21 PM
Easy week.
Ned: He's a pasty, fat guy with really unfortunate hair who got his picture taken with Hotts on that vacation in Vegas he saved up so long for. He proudly carries a creased copy in his wallet with him at all times, like a holy relic. We should all be so lucky. He is not The One.
Nighthawk: Harmless Hal Sparks wannabe. In a white sport jacket WITH THE COLLAR TUCKED UNDER -- polar opposite of douche. Soul patch gets a pass. Chest reveal is a minor offense, maybe like 100 points. Hair is natural color and less than three inches high. Unembellished jeans. Aside from a pair of relatively ordinary ear studs, NO BLING OR VISIBLE TATTS. He drinks either gin and tonic or vodka tonic, the drink of the stand-up guy. And he's got hisself a lovely China doll. No hating from this corner.
And lastly, Turtleman: He exhibits reason number 475 (of 1,394) on why Hollister truly sucks. Popped collar earns him a gift certificate for the beat down of my choice.
Chain drive wallet doesn't rock; instead, it's smartly placed to get stuck under the escalator hand rail at the old Sears store at Teaberry Plaza.
Strategically weathered and split jeans (also probably Hollister) cost him two-thirds of his last paycheck from salad prep at Carraba's.
Wearing a necklace with a rune doesn't emit an aura of mysticism. Bearing the Norse symbol for "scrote", it radiates poo vibes.
Ice bling lobe lights alert oncoming traffic of an approaching opportunity to practice their "Grand Theft Auto" skills.
And finally, anime hair looks best on two-dimensional, oddly-proportioned characters.
Aside from him.
Ned: He's a pasty, fat guy with really unfortunate hair who got his picture taken with Hotts on that vacation in Vegas he saved up so long for. He proudly carries a creased copy in his wallet with him at all times, like a holy relic. We should all be so lucky. He is not The One.
Nighthawk: Harmless Hal Sparks wannabe. In a white sport jacket WITH THE COLLAR TUCKED UNDER -- polar opposite of douche. Soul patch gets a pass. Chest reveal is a minor offense, maybe like 100 points. Hair is natural color and less than three inches high. Unembellished jeans. Aside from a pair of relatively ordinary ear studs, NO BLING OR VISIBLE TATTS. He drinks either gin and tonic or vodka tonic, the drink of the stand-up guy. And he's got hisself a lovely China doll. No hating from this corner.
And lastly, Turtleman: He exhibits reason number 475 (of 1,394) on why Hollister truly sucks. Popped collar earns him a gift certificate for the beat down of my choice.
Chain drive wallet doesn't rock; instead, it's smartly placed to get stuck under the escalator hand rail at the old Sears store at Teaberry Plaza.
Strategically weathered and split jeans (also probably Hollister) cost him two-thirds of his last paycheck from salad prep at Carraba's.
Wearing a necklace with a rune doesn't emit an aura of mysticism. Bearing the Norse symbol for "scrote", it radiates poo vibes.
Ice bling lobe lights alert oncoming traffic of an approaching opportunity to practice their "Grand Theft Auto" skills.
And finally, anime hair looks best on two-dimensional, oddly-proportioned characters.
Aside from him.
I must concur with my brethren, not the finest of weeks to throw down on. However, this is the life we choose, and as such, a winner must be crowned before he gets his ass kicked in the monthly. I opine...
Ned - I'm kinda down with Ned, he reminds me of B-Real from Cypress Hill for some reason. These two "women" are very clearly not with him (notice red hott isn't actually touching him, and right hott looks like she's got a knife in her hand in case he starts shit).
Nighthawk - Ah Balboa Island, the downfall of my youth. However, again, I kinda dig this guy, there's nothing awful about him. Yeah he's rocking an open shirt like some kind of 70s bag, and the soul patch should have gone out with the gheri curl, but overall, I could see this guy being a pretty nice dude. He's got a smile on his face, he's not trying to out-pose his beautiful young lady, and yes, a straw in a drink, that's not helping much, but overall, I'm sure Chet here is a pretty good dude.
Turtleman - I give him the win kinda by default, as Winston Churchill said "Democracy is the worst form of government except for all those others that have been tried." - this is the same feeling I get about him, he's the worst, but just by lack of a major winner this week. I think the thing that pisses me off most about him is that he's wearing a ring, and really any dude that gets to go home with that girlie every night has my eternal hatred. Especially when that gentleman looks like a former member of "Dead or Alive". "I ran, I ran so far away" indeed.
So Turtle for the win, if only because he's rocking Sally from Springfield on a nightly basis, and while he has a clean house, he didn't clean up the cleaning supplies, and every douche knows the jobs not done until you clean up the supplies.
Ned - I'm kinda down with Ned, he reminds me of B-Real from Cypress Hill for some reason. These two "women" are very clearly not with him (notice red hott isn't actually touching him, and right hott looks like she's got a knife in her hand in case he starts shit).
Nighthawk - Ah Balboa Island, the downfall of my youth. However, again, I kinda dig this guy, there's nothing awful about him. Yeah he's rocking an open shirt like some kind of 70s bag, and the soul patch should have gone out with the gheri curl, but overall, I could see this guy being a pretty nice dude. He's got a smile on his face, he's not trying to out-pose his beautiful young lady, and yes, a straw in a drink, that's not helping much, but overall, I'm sure Chet here is a pretty good dude.
Turtleman - I give him the win kinda by default, as Winston Churchill said "Democracy is the worst form of government except for all those others that have been tried." - this is the same feeling I get about him, he's the worst, but just by lack of a major winner this week. I think the thing that pisses me off most about him is that he's wearing a ring, and really any dude that gets to go home with that girlie every night has my eternal hatred. Especially when that gentleman looks like a former member of "Dead or Alive". "I ran, I ran so far away" indeed.
So Turtle for the win, if only because he's rocking Sally from Springfield on a nightly basis, and while he has a clean house, he didn't clean up the cleaning supplies, and every douche knows the jobs not done until you clean up the supplies.
I'm gonna go with Ned. Although its concievable that Ned is more of a doofus than a hardcore 'bag, red bikini hott is going to get him my vote for all the wrong reasons. And by wrong I mean boobs.
# posted by : 6:26 PM
: 6:26 PM
Turtleman FTW. He'll get owned in the Monthly, no doubt. Pfah in his eloquence refers correctly to this exercise in futility.
I dig the lace adorning the bottom of his hott's shirt, fo sho.
I dig the lace adorning the bottom of his hott's shirt, fo sho.
@a pragmatic bengals fan...."eloquent"?!?? thank you kind sir. that was uncalled for and much appreciated.
much like the lace that this girl is wearing.
ifyaknowwhati'msayin'.
much like the lace that this girl is wearing.
ifyaknowwhati'msayin'.
# posted by : 6:58 PM
: 6:58 PM
Dressing up like Naruto is only cool at anime conventions.
And even then, to lots of people, it's still not cool.
And by that, I mean Turtleboy gets my vote.
And even then, to lots of people, it's still not cool.
And by that, I mean Turtleboy gets my vote.
# posted by : 7:33 PM
: 7:33 PM
I don't know if anybody else noticed this but turtleman is in the same house as HJBBAD. Anyone who willingly goes to a poetry reading by that douche is an automatic winner
# posted by : 7:45 PM
: 7:45 PM
Not a tough one this week. Ned is a flabby 'bag with a couple of pro P2P porn skanks. Turtleman is about a month away from coming out of the closet although I like Polly stateschool hott breast, I mean best.
Balboabag has all the douche indicators especially the "please punch me in the face" smirk and the mid 80s Douche Johnson jacket. He must have left his Z Cavaricci pants at home next to the acid washed denim shorts. While she is indeed cute, Asian hotts just aren't my cup o' tea.
Balboabag FTW
FFS
Balboabag has all the douche indicators especially the "please punch me in the face" smirk and the mid 80s Douche Johnson jacket. He must have left his Z Cavaricci pants at home next to the acid washed denim shorts. While she is indeed cute, Asian hotts just aren't my cup o' tea.
Balboabag FTW
FFS
# posted by : 8:36 PM
: 8:36 PM
Ned FTW. Simply because he has C cups and the brunette has B's. Ugly sack of s&#t right there, between 2 hotts. Nazzzzzzztinesssss
# posted by : 9:38 PM
: 9:38 PM
I'm sorry - and by that, I mean I'm not - but I have to go with Ed. I mean, seriously: What. The. Fuck?
You stand between two gorgeous slabs of hottness - I'm not really a boob-guy, but how could you not appreciate the pontoons in red on the left? - and you're not even embarrasaed that you look like a beached narwhal...? Have you not one iota of self-respect? "You're a god-damned disgrace. Now drop and give me 20." Even if he tried, I think his gut would extend farther than his arms.
If the name of this site is "Hot Chicks with Douchebags" - and I believe it is - then you _have_ to go with Ed. There are two of 'em, they are definitely hot, and he is clearly a douchebag of Galactus proportions. I just wish I were the Silver Surfer, with the Power Cosmic, so I could blast that shart stain off this planet.
You stand between two gorgeous slabs of hottness - I'm not really a boob-guy, but how could you not appreciate the pontoons in red on the left? - and you're not even embarrasaed that you look like a beached narwhal...? Have you not one iota of self-respect? "You're a god-damned disgrace. Now drop and give me 20." Even if he tried, I think his gut would extend farther than his arms.
If the name of this site is "Hot Chicks with Douchebags" - and I believe it is - then you _have_ to go with Ed. There are two of 'em, they are definitely hot, and he is clearly a douchebag of Galactus proportions. I just wish I were the Silver Surfer, with the Power Cosmic, so I could blast that shart stain off this planet.
# posted by : 9:44 PM
: 9:44 PM
I see all these votes for Turtleshit, or whatever. Are you people insane? Ok, don't answer that. Turtlesnap just dresses the part. C'mon, tell me you can't see that. I almost wonder if it was a Halloween party, or sumpin. He's clearly not gettin' freaky with his douch self. He's just a poser - don't be fooled, people. Though, yes - oh, yes - she is definitely cute. Worth two rub-outs in rapid succession.
# posted by : 9:52 PM
: 9:52 PM
Turtleman is just a closet case: the look on the hott's face conveys pity rather than any sort of attraction, and Ned is a fat idiot who paid to pose with some strippers. Nighthawk, on the other hand, has the self assured, yet vaguely bemused look of someone who has achieved a sure thing hookup with a very foxy (and not too worse for the wear, a rarity amongst Asian tramps) hott. Lucky bastard and a surefire winner for HCwDB of the week.
# posted by : 10:30 PM
: 10:30 PM
Ned FTW. He is everyman-douche. He knows he can't roll with the big douches but he's in the game anyway. Admit it, there's a little Ned in all of us.
# posted by : 11:36 PM
: 11:36 PM
Ned is just a regular guy with a beerbelly who payed some pornstars for a photo-op. Ned is not a bag, and I almost feel sorry that this will be the highlight of his life and will be the picture he rubs one out too every night. He is so not living the dream and not even close to being the winner.
As for Nighthawk I am just not seeing it. Normal jeans, hair, no fake tan, no ridiculous look and he actually has his priorities straight with his hand on her ass. He actually looks like he appreciates the hott and that he is going to go home and make me-so-horny earn her five dollars to make you holla. Good for him.
Then I come to Turtleman and my stomach starts to turn. He could be a normal kid with a hott but instead every conscious decision he makes is so wrong. The hair, the pink, the pop, the necklace the walletchain, etc. etc. Every possible offense on the douchebag checklist. He is still lacking the testerone production for a physique but believe me when his balls drop the shirt will be unbuttoned. What bothers me most is sweet Polly is so girl next door hott and still can be saved from bleethdom. The cute face, a God-given hardbody, a natural tan, and that sexy lace bottom to her shirt. Oh what I wouldnt do to Polly, and yet she is going to get her two minutes of loving from turtlebag who is going to prematurely ejaculate imagining that he is doing her brother. That is why I hands down declare turtlebag HCwDB winner of the week in a landslide. Oh the inhumanity, back to drinking the pain away.....
As for Nighthawk I am just not seeing it. Normal jeans, hair, no fake tan, no ridiculous look and he actually has his priorities straight with his hand on her ass. He actually looks like he appreciates the hott and that he is going to go home and make me-so-horny earn her five dollars to make you holla. Good for him.
Then I come to Turtleman and my stomach starts to turn. He could be a normal kid with a hott but instead every conscious decision he makes is so wrong. The hair, the pink, the pop, the necklace the walletchain, etc. etc. Every possible offense on the douchebag checklist. He is still lacking the testerone production for a physique but believe me when his balls drop the shirt will be unbuttoned. What bothers me most is sweet Polly is so girl next door hott and still can be saved from bleethdom. The cute face, a God-given hardbody, a natural tan, and that sexy lace bottom to her shirt. Oh what I wouldnt do to Polly, and yet she is going to get her two minutes of loving from turtlebag who is going to prematurely ejaculate imagining that he is doing her brother. That is why I hands down declare turtlebag HCwDB winner of the week in a landslide. Oh the inhumanity, back to drinking the pain away.....
# posted by : 12:28 AM
: 12:28 AM
If Ned's girls weren't PTP, I'd vote for him. But I'm DQ'ing him on account of that, even though I think he's a total waste of oxygen.
Nighthawk annoys me, and his girls legs call me. He's wannabe-yuppie-douche, which I can't stand, but almost feel like its just a phase for him. Although if that's what it takes to get the cute Asian, maybe he'll be that douchey forever.
Turtleman is modern douche. Your college-freshman, frat-pledging, assnoodle. It's all downhill for him from here.
One vote for Turtleman. May a giant tortoise take a dump on his face.
Nighthawk annoys me, and his girls legs call me. He's wannabe-yuppie-douche, which I can't stand, but almost feel like its just a phase for him. Although if that's what it takes to get the cute Asian, maybe he'll be that douchey forever.
Turtleman is modern douche. Your college-freshman, frat-pledging, assnoodle. It's all downhill for him from here.
One vote for Turtleman. May a giant tortoise take a dump on his face.
As has been said ad nauseum here today. This is a rather week pool of jackassery and douchiness. With such a lack of obvious uber-douchiness, I will go to Tiebreaker B according to my Voyager's Guidebook, Flip open my Omni and jump ahead to see which hott I am married to/banging mercilessly while hubby is at work/stalking after in the shadows. And this week it clearly goes to Nighthawk's hott. Words cannot efficiently describe the monstrosities I would perpetuate on her pure as the driven snow, virginal self. So, I vote for Nighthawk.
# posted by : 8:47 AM
: 8:47 AM
balboabag wins. Ned isnt doing anything to piss anyone off in that picture and there is probably a flock of douches just out of view eye-fucking those waitresses and talking shit on our boy Ned. Yeah he looks retarted but thats only 95% his fault. Turtle is weak plain and simple.
Balboabag with the KO
Balboabag with the KO
Turtleman, but only because they are in someone's living room. Guys like him do not exist in my paradigm of living rooms. Now my paradigm has shifted...with no clutch.
I just like to imagine the parents. It'd be awkward like prom, but even more so because the guy is...that guy.
I just like to imagine the parents. It'd be awkward like prom, but even more so because the guy is...that guy.
Look at Ned and Balboa; it's easy to know where they came from. It seems like the Turtle's girl knew him from before, when he had the same vacant expression but not the hair. He takes it because he made that transformation when he could have chosen another road (sometime long ago).
# posted by : 4:56 PM
: 4:56 PM
Wow, I have to respectfully say, DB1, that this is the weakest field since I started visiting about six months ago.
Contestant #1 just reminds me of Milton on Office Space. I feel more sorry for him than anything.
Contestant #2 is just not really that offensive and his hott is only lukewarm.
Contestant #3 is so cute and non-threatening. How could you get mad at such a wittle baby?
So I vote for NONE of the above and write-in Milli Vanilla. I don't care if they're with Pam Anderson, both are so douche in their own specially scented poo sort of way.
Contestant #1 just reminds me of Milton on Office Space. I feel more sorry for him than anything.
Contestant #2 is just not really that offensive and his hott is only lukewarm.
Contestant #3 is so cute and non-threatening. How could you get mad at such a wittle baby?
So I vote for NONE of the above and write-in Milli Vanilla. I don't care if they're with Pam Anderson, both are so douche in their own specially scented poo sort of way.
# posted by : 9:22 PM
: 9:22 PM
I was between Turtleman and Ned. Turtleman is just very confused about his sexuality, if there is any there. Now Ned, frickin' Ned, God help us NED, does not deserve to be near such scrumptous melons. So therefore, the rage and unfairess factor leads me to vote for Ned. The bastard.
# posted by : 6:50 AM
: 6:50 AM
Ned FTW, Turtleman a very close second. It was a very difficult decision, though. =)
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: 8:21 PM << Home
