If there's one American comic strip of the past fifty years that should jump to mind when you think of douchebags, it's gotta be The Family Circus.

Now I know what you're thinking.

How could such a charming All American Family of heteronormative whiteness that perpetuates outdated gender stereotypes and patriarchy contain any signs of modern douchebaggery?

The answer is clear: Jeffy.

Jeffy is douchebag.

Oh sure, Billy seems the obvious choice. Billy's more aggressive with the ladies. Billy's got the comb-forward fauxhawk. But Billy is simply 'bag wannabe. 'Bagling if you will.

Example #1: Billy The 'Bagling


In the picture featured here, Billy's detailed global search to determine the name brand of his shirt suggests the Armani-Exchange club culture from whence all of modern 'baggery has sprung.

But Billy is simply searching.

He is an aspirant.

Note his father's blank Norman Rockwell stare. A stare that says, "There are no black people in my America."

His father is unthreatened. Because Billy is bland.

Blank.

As such, Billy hasn't touched true douchebaggery.

The douchebaggery of Jeffy.

Example #2: Hip-Hop Jeffy

This picture demonstrates the complexity of Jeffy's douchuous maturity, even at his early age.

Note Jeffy's in-your-face aggressiveness.

His macho preening.

Jeffy is hip-hop. Jeffy is gangsta. Jeffy is pounding the rhythmic tribal beat of the new douche review.

Jeffy isn't afraid to bang his proverbial bongo, even in the face of his cartoonist father's generic passive-aggressive reach.

Jeffy holds his sticks authoritatively. As if to say, "Step back, yo! Or I will shove this stick up your ass, old man."

But the key to Jeffy's douche is in the rebelliously stylish pants-suit roll up move.

He is Fly.

He is Fresh.

He is ready to party.

Example #3: Jeffy Macks the Hott

Here's the mark of a true 'bag in action.

Jeffy sees his mama-hott paying attention to someone else.

Unafraid, he interrupts and demands he been seen. Not only that, he makes the horribly crude double entendre about her open mouth.

He is busting classic aggressive douchal masculinity in the presence of a curvy hott.

Now I know what you're thinking: That's his mom, dude.

And yes, for the purposes of this example, it is.

But in the larger context of Jeffy's powerful douche maneuvers, it illuminates.

Note also Jeffy's clenched fist. He will not be denied the affections of the hott. Even if he has to interrupt and point to get it. A hallmark of any hyper-aggressive 'bag.

Example #4: Jeffy Tells Authority to Step-Off

In this final example, Jeffy interrupts his father's story about the merits of the Ku Klux Klan to inform his father that he sleeps with "purple dragons."

As any urban scholar knows, "purple dragons" is street slang for "Hispanic hookers."

With one aggressive sentence, Jeffy shatters his father's white suburban construct and announces he is rebelling.

Jeffy has no need for authority or boundaries.

He only needs slick leather pants.

And purple shoes.

It won't be long until Jeffy is fist pumping to Kanye remixes while grinding his package into a 17 year old from the Valley named "Sharon."

You go with your bad self, Jeffy.

Jeffy from the Family Circus. The True Douche of American Comics.


So to recap. Signs that Jeffy is douche:

1. Obsession with Lego bling
2. Pushyness and aggressive male posturing
3. A tendency to cry when confronted
4. Leather pants
5. Shaved patterns in his hair
6. Manipulating mom-hott to cop a feel
7. Psychologically destroying his sister Dolly through vicious innuendo until her low self-esteem sends her bulimia careening out of control
8. The weekend in Tijuana with that hooker and donkey
9. The fourteen bottles of Grey Goose hidden behind the fish tank
10. Vanilla Ice "Cooler Than Ice" limited edition pajama one-piece
11. Doing the Guido Dance for 3rd Grade show and tell
12. Extensive collection of vintage Matchbox muscle cars

Jeffy.

Total and complete douchebag.

Next week: Jughead.