What is it with these douches taking pictures in parking garages? Are parking garages the new Rehab?

And why is Irish McLime Green wearing gym shorts from the 70s? Is it really necessary that she distract me away from her melons and force me to think of dodgeball trauma from my youth?

So many questions.
 

It looks like Dr Moreau is still trying to perfect his pig man
 

I get chicks when I go out and I don't look like a douchebag. Then again my type is not bleethed out whore. Maybe if it was I would dress like a douchebag
 

god i got a things for redheads, and this chick is perfect. i bet she has big beautiful areolas
 

The juxtaposition of of light and dark staggers the mind. Has her skin ever seen the light of day? I'm guessing that pig man (good call anon) has some sort of necrophiliac fetish and chose to dig this one up just for this pic.

It's easier to score with dead chicks than it is with the barfly's you slip roofies to.
 

She's pretty cute in that trailer-trash-on-the-side you don't want your friends to know about kind of way. If only she'd made it past the sixth grade she might have learned:

a) how to dress trampy/camp, not slutty/cheap
b) not to accept rides in an '89 Olds Crapluss GT 'Sport'
c) not to fuck her retarded cousins on her daddy's auntie's husband's coonhound's nephew's side.
 

I think that's Vanilla Ice's 5.0 with the ragtop down so his hair can blow in the background.
 

You know, maybe anon db is right.

Maybe I should quit my job that requires thought, spend my savings on axe, grease, a Hyundai, white belts, torn jeans, various douchey T's, douchey accessories, a lifetime Bally's membership, and then get a job delivering pizzas so I can get hotter hotties. Then I can brag about it so I feel I have a reason to live. Sounds fantastic, doesn't it?

Amerigo Vesdouchey
 

My guess at anon d-bag's profile:

Age: 38
Height: 5'6"
Weight: 260
Hair color: None, scalp
Residence: Parents' basement
Occupation: Radio Shack Asst. Mgr.
Moob cup size: C
Recent purchase: Spock ears
Hobby: Clarinette
Number of ass kickings received in high school: Too numerous to count
Favorite quote: Leave Brittney alone.
 

amerigo

Don't forget that these douchebags are hard workers. On top of their pizza delivery jobs, they also chase down people from kiosks in the mall and try to sell them chintzy jewelry, no name watches, or last year's cell phone models.
 

Well, since we had Enik the Sleestak from Land of the Lost appear here a few months back it was only a matter of time before Chaka the Pakuni made an appearance here.....our little boy is all grows up, and he grows up and he grows up!

Here's what I thing of you, Grown-Up Chaka:

http://www.stickerguy.com/stikweek/sleestak-big.gif

Yeah, BCS, gingers are hot, but in 5 years this one will look like Large Marge from Pee Wee's Big Adventure.
 

@ darksock ... I'm loving the Land of the Lost throwdowns. Loving them. Marshall, Will and Holly, on a routine expedition, baby.
 

Yeah, kiosk 'bags are the worst. They act like you owe it to them to stop and listen to their BS. Damn them.

AV
 

Does Quasimodo ring a bell??
 

I've seen this guy's face somewhere. Where ... think a minute ... where exactly have I seen this face?

Oh yeah, I was watching a documentary on the Discovery Channel about baboons. Now I remember.
 

@nostradouchemus

I think you hit the nail on the head with the trailer-trash-on-the-side description. She'd be a lot of fun in the sack, but then when it's all over, she starts talking about her waitressing job at Denny's, telling stories punctuated with racial slurs. There's an awkward moment while you try to think of a reason to leave. And then there's another awkward moment when you run into her mother in the hallway, who heard all of your love-making noises because the walls between her trailer's rooms are made of cardboard.
 

then she pops her dentures out and puts them in a glass of diet pepsi by the bed.
 

It's the leer moms gives you in the hallway that's awkward... especially because moms is Large Marge.
 

"Because guys that look like that when they go out, including myself, get chicks."

The be-all, end-all of male douche existence: GET CHICKS! (brah optional)
 

Cindy Wilson of the B52's hoppin' in that big-as-whale Chrysler to get on down to the Love Shack.

the douchess of kunt
 

Her hair's redder than OJ's face at a Brown family reunion.

the douchess of kunt
 

Uh....so is this guy actually saying if we Doucheout we can get girls that look like this drunk enough to slober on our pillows?

No thanks Dbag.

Im going to stick to chicks that don't look like lifting their drunken ass out of the last guys bathtub and walking to this parking garage, to grind with your dumbass, are the only workout they have gotten in a month.
 

you sound like you're all douchebags to me since apparently the only thing you care about is how hot a girl is. this site is about girls' looks but guys' personalities. the girls are probably female douchebags. so really it's just douchebags coupling with douchebags. also, she isn't that pale. i can see a tan on her. i'm guessing you only like orange ladies.
 

you fuckers stop bashing this redhead i would bask in the glow of her firecrotch and motorboat in her giant buttermilk breastses!
 

You guys are forgetting that the mother-in- law is carrying a shotgun and, since "yer uh reel Castanover. Yeer not leevin hear till ah get sum." They like to share...

She then proceeds to take said DB into her cardboard box room and, while some people enjoy banging with guns involved, I'm pretty sure the DB will be weeping.

After which, she will beat him with a belt because he left her pillow all soaked with his tears.
 

"Cause were getting laid and your not."

That's great.

Just like a chick's insecurity is blatantly obvious when you can tell her she's pretty and bone her 10 minutes later, it seems that the modern douchebag's insecurity is just as transparent by the constant commenting on how he is getting laid and others aren't.
 

i would take her back to the bone zone. and by bone zone i mean her trailer.
 

Unbelievable!
 

Hey, BCS, we're not saying that wouldn't play "Who's Your Daddy? No, Really, Do You Know Your Daddy?" with Tiffany, here. It's just that after a night of greasin' Denise's Grand Slam, here, while listening to a Brooks & Dunn/Faith Hill/David Allan Coe mixtape we want to be able to make smooth crack-of-ass getaway without a "How you want yo' eggs?" request from Mother Marge or banging our shins on '89 5.0 'Stang on blocks in the front yard.
 

This comment has been removed by the author.
 

Don't worry bcs, I'm definately feeling this girl. Call me Moses, because her burning bush is speaking to me.
 

Becky Sue fucked all three guys in her graduating class at Tractor U and after a long period of abstinence she began experimenting with household objects. Finding the need for greater stimulation she transitioned, naturally, to barnyard sex and by barnyard sex I mean intercourse with animals. Which is where our orange-otang friend comes in.

BTW that is the shittiest John Travolta impersonation I've ever seen Guido. If you have to do it at least douche it right in the white jumpsuit number.
 

she's a sweet girl! sweet i tell you. i wanna have multiple babies with her, and just throw out any of the ones that come out redheaded.

i cant stop thinking of those boobies. i have to know what those nipples look like. so help me god, if its the last thing i do, i will know.
 

@ anon 12:43

yes, we all are douchebags.

yes, we only care about the girl looks.

and i would disagree that this site is about guys personalities. for all we know, the prompa twins, xenu, glinty, are all great guys. but the fact is they have made themselves look foolish and ridiculous.

thank you for defending my redhead
 

Actions speak louder than words

I'd say by this guy's actions his personality hovers right around douchebag.
 

I would anonymously send her strawberries and red tone enhancing shampoo just for a chance to watch the sun gleam in her beautiful ginger locks while she confusedly bends down to pick up the basket.

I would kick him in the nads so hard they traveled up to his head and dropped down out of his nose.
 

@ BCS

Rest assured they are pink and firm, and as she would ride you like a monkey on crack rodeo style , they would be bouncin like superballs in a cement mixer.

AKA: firmus, pinkus, erectus, rotundous.
 

You had me at...

"the only thing you care about is how hot a girl is"

What the hell else am I supposed to care about?
 

My love of the red actually outweighs my hatred of douche on this one.

She's like a white trash Barbara Gordon.
 

Maw open partly
Douche-face orange in color
Green redhead tasty
 

That's a nice shiny tongue ring she has.
 

The Douche looks like he works as a chimney sweep. "Mornin' govenah' mind if I take the chambermaid to the bone zone for a little bit of the old in and out"?http://www.imdb.com/gallery/mptv/1386/Mptv/1386/3581_0029.jpg.html?path=gallery&path_key=0058331
 

Umm.. as far as bragging about the "hot" chicks these guys get is concerned, all that I can say is I am still waiting to see one. All I ever see is total ugly worthless garbage can whores, with faces that look like a donkey's ass, and bodies that are seriously laughable.

Sorry little fag, but nobody is impressed with your STD honey.

HADLEY
 

Pigman ZombieDouche is so totally about to eat her brains.

Her miraculously slim thighs might not be strong enough to propel her away from him in time.

And she might trip, turning an ankle, while one of her shoulder straps slips off.

She probably had sex in an earlier scene. Yeah, she's pretty much doomed. Damn horror flicks.
 

@BCS-
Keep hoping, dawg. I understand, I really do. After all, I'm still holding onto the possibility that Bree is a sweet and innocent girl with a great personality that just likes to get "gussied up".

I'm thinkin' this dude is the love child of Michael Richards and a chimpanzee.

I'd bet 10 dollars that she loves, and I mean LOVES pork rinds.
 

Um. As a female (I suspect one of the few females who visits this site with any regularity), I can without a doubt proclaim that I don't know a single self-respecting woman who would ever sleep with one of these guys. The only girls who would even consider it are far too intoxicated to be judged for their actions. Luckily though, the Long Island Iced Tea that the dbags have been forcing down their throat all night will result in these gals passing out after giving their douchebag of choice a bad blowjob, and no sex will actually occur.
 

I don't know what there is to "learn" as the anonymous douchebag states. These chicks are attracted to guys like that and I don't think attraction is a choice per se. Its all fucked up, I don't get it.

And my date appears to have completely disappeared for tonight. :(....
 

Tori, some men may argue that there is no such thing as a bad blowjob, but I think it's awesome that you're into quality control. Good on ya!

You're right in saying that women with real self-respect are more resistant to the lure of the douchebags. It's wrong to blame it on the booze, though. Booze is our friend.
 

Of course John, Booze is everyone's friend. Let's just blame it on the roofies then. ;)
 

A Friday haiku in honor of our new drinking/hunting buddy:

Tori, friend to booze
critiques douchebags and roofies
quality control
 

That's the most awesome haiku anyone has ever written me.
 

Now hold, I say hold the phone. I'M a douchebag (tho perhaps not to the axe, bling, and hair gel level of some of these monstrosities), and women (for reasons logic, common sense, and science have yet to determine) are attracted to me. And self respecting hotties at that. Not ONCE have I had to drug a girl. Get 'em drunk? Well yeah.
So all I'm sayin' is that there really MUST be some strange yet to be discovered force that causes women, of ALL types, to flock to douchebags like the salmon of Capistrano. Or maybe it IS just the liquor. I'm fine with either.
 

Maybe it's your odd self-awareness of being a douchebag. Most of these guys don't seem to know. Maybe women are turned on by your honesty. Or maybe it's because 90% of guys that lurk around bars and clubs now look/dress/act this way. So maybe it's either sleep with these guys or don't have sex. The world will never know.
 

I guess its a mixed bag of reasons why HC's hook up with DB's....Daddy issues, low self esteem, shallowness that so often is nurtured by physical beauty, "bad boy" syndrome, "I-can-change-him" issues, etc. etc.

Alls that to say: the arm candy with these douchebags are often damaged goods.

Every woman I've been with, including Mrs. Sock, has been well above my reasonable range, which ought to be somewhere between Janine Garofalo and Daria from Beavis and Butthead, because they liked talking to me and I made them laugh. After the hangover's lifted and fleeting sheen of youth has evaporated like a Tag body shot, the HC's and DB's have nothing. I wouldn't trade places with them.

But here's something more philosophical:

Blowjobs are like pizza and Tarantino movies; even when they're bad, they're still pretty good.

"Now hold, I say hold the phone"...having a Foghorn Leghorn moment, Vader?
 

Actually Daria's pretty hot. Not as hot as Betty Rubble, who I would totally ride like a Shetland Pony, but hot nonetheless.
 

@vader: nice Dumb and Dumber pull. "A land where the beer flows like wine and the women flock like the salmon of Capistrano....Aspin!"

I have to agree with Darksock that laughter is the key. I have seen some train-wreck couplings where dude looks like Smigel and the HC is, well, a HC (insert your favorite HC here...I'll use Elsa Patakay/Eva Mendes/Ali Larter/Jessica Biel/Eliza Dush...shit). But, almost without fail, the dude is funny and confident.

He's usually a bit of an asshole in the offset, just to change the confidence balance and get the HC wondering, "Why is this (relatively) physically unattractive guy not sweating me? On top of that, he is actually putting me down. OMG! Who does that? I'm hottt...ttt. Maybe I should bang him. That'll put me back on top."

I happen to have spent many of my formative years afflicted with niceguy-itis. Let's put it this way, I'm probably one of the few schmucks that can go for his first time to a strip club, spend no money (and HAVE no money, so that throws Sugar Daddy out the window), and leave with a stripper that wants a serious relationship.

Anyway, watching this asshole/hottie-with-confidence-issues dance for so long (I have had a few a-hole friends), I've realized that it all is part of a happy mix. Being a good genuine person, but making your, um, target work for YOU, as well as laugh, is the way to go. Once that mix is achieved, it's tough to stop.

So, for those that might look at these bags and think that adorning yourself with Tag, jewelry, more sticky in your hair than a sperm bank, a stupid facial expression, dumb hand signs, a waxed chest/open shirt combo, and most of all, the lack of brain use (for things like spelling, complete sentences, ability to give change to the drive thru customer, etc.) just to get women...don't. There is another way.

Save your dignity.
 

DB's have no dignity, big dbowski, they have only ego.
 

BCS:

Her name is Ginger.....Ginger Vitus.
 

@ tori - ...and no sex will actually occur.

That's only if you count assisted masturbation (masturbating when someone is helping) as "no sex"...since the girl is probably passed out/drugged out of her skull, I don't count it as sex.
 

Shadow-
Any activity for which a person would be prosecuted under US Law is regarded as "not sex" as far as I'm concerned. This of course includes any activity for which the girl is not concious/not legally able to consent.
 

Tori:

I'm no lawyer but I think a woman coupling with this tool would be dabbling in bestiality, technically, which is illegal everywhere but the rural south and Hollywood.
 

@clementine: I stand corrected. Please forgive my transgression.
 

@darksock,

If memory serves, that dude who died from massive colonic trauma from sex with a horse, was in Oregon or Washington State. Rural southerners may have sex with sheep and goats, but at least we're heterosexual about it.
 

I perused the preceding posts so if this was already mentioned, my apologies.

Responding to Anondabags email: I once took a picture of myself in front of a tree. That does not mean I scaled it to the top.

So for Candy at Bee 96, Johnny Blaze and his Merry 'Bags of Blow, and you Anondabag please stop using a picture of you and a Hott as some kind of empirical proof you get laid. You could just as well have had your penis removed off in a weird colonoscopy exam and are overcompensating.

I don't know and don't care. I hate the Red Sox almost as much as you.

- Ryan Seadouche
 

Fair enough, Tori...wanna join me for some "not sex" soon? ;P I'll get blasted out of my gourd, so it's all good.
 

Hello my redheaded goddess. Just stopping by to see if you need anything. Another Guinness perhaps? What's that?

Geez...I dunno if we're ready for reverse cowgirl, but I'm willing to give it a shot.
 

Ed:

That's correct; only hetero sheep love; after high school ball games it was always a footrace to the sheep pens; no one wanted to get stuck with an ugly one...
 

darksock,

I preferred the shorn ones myself...of course with a narrow landing strip. Aaaahh...high school.
 

Hey, easy now! I love those cute little "fuck me" shorts; and there is no such thing as bad pussy. It's all good and better.
 

Does anyone else notice that Thade's nose is bleeding?
 

DB1 is too good!!!
 

DB1 you are god.
 

She's gross and kind of chunky. I thought this was hott chicks with d-bags... not mediocre chunkers in trashy clothes with d-bags.